Saturday, May 19, 2012

Cracking under the pressure...

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but these past 4 days have felt like an eternity of pure hell.  My family's life...has been turned upside down in a matter of days and I can feel my sanity cracking and splitting at the seams.

My husband got a job with a company in Canada and left to drive out there this past Wednesday (having been told what paperwork to bring and that he should be granted a work permit at the border without a problem).  Upon arriving at the Port Huron, MI entry into Canada, he was denied entrance.....twice. Why?  Because he doesn't have a college degree.  This wouldn't be a problem if the company that hired him had applied for the proper forms saying that he's needed badly enough that his certifications/experience are enough.  But no...they "thought" he'd be okay and didn't bother. So now we hang in limbo.  Nathan has already quit his old job and driven 1500 ish miles for this new job only to be told he can't do it just yet?  It will take AT LEAST 2 weeks for these papers to come through...assuming they're approved.  But what do we do in the meantime?

The amount of stress I feel (and Nathan feels) right now is like nothing I have ever felt in my life and I find myself breaking down in tears without warning because I just can't handle it.  If this new job is such a great opportunity for him and for us..why has it been such a bumpy freaking road from the very beginning?  Why does the ball keep getting dropped at every turn?  Is it a sign?  Last night I prayed for the first time in what seemed like ages.  I am glad that Heavenly Father understands sobbing and mumbling because that's about all I could manage.  I didn't pray for any sort of specific outcome...just for some peace of mind, strength and the knowledge to know what's best for our family at this point.  And still I can't stop crying.

What makes all of this worse is that it is very rapidly undoing all the hard work I have put into my weight loss over the past 9 months.  My 63 lb weight loss is now a 58 lb. weight loss and probably still declining.  I keep convincing myself that my lack of workouts is because of injuries (which is true to a degree...shoulder and shin), but I know better. I'm talking myself out of it because I'm upset and worried about other things and I keep telling myself I'll worry about it when this stuff gets sorted out.  But in the meantime, it's caused my eating to go to absolute crap and my sleep on top of that. It's true what they say...stress causes weight gain.  Big time.  And the weight gain only hurls me into depression which causes me to eat even more.  I don't want this!  I don't want to go back there!  I hated THERE.  I hated who I was THERE.

Having to weigh in with my Jilly's Losers every week is normally a great motivator.  But this week it just makes me feel like a failure. I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to set the example and show them "it can be done" and all that motivational stuff...right?  But tomorrow when I step on that scale and it's up another pound or two, what am I showing them?  I know their weight loss journey isn't my responsibility, but sometimes it's hard not to feel like it's on my shoulders if I gain weight and others follow suit.  Silly right?

I've worked too hard for this.  Nathan has worked too hard for this.  We've both come so far...why is it all crumbling suddenly???  And how the hell do we fix it!!  I just want my family to be happy.  I just want a goal to work towards. And it's hard to do that when you don't even know which direction your facing.  Hopefully the world stops spinning soon and we can all regain our footing.

Sorry for the dramatic rant, but's my blog right?  And I feel a bit better now.  Time to try and sleep.