Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Rebuilding the Wagon

I know that in the 5 years I've been writing this blog, I've written about "falling off the wagon" many times, but that's because this is a lifelong journey. This isn't a diet. This isn't a quick fix. This isn't a race with a finish line. This will last my entire life. And because I'm not perfect, I will occasionally fall off the wagon. Or in this case...fall off the wagon and then burn it down and scatter the ashes :)

It's funny how you can go for 6 weeks with motivation flying high, near perfect eating and lots of good, hard workouts...lose 15lbs and then with one decision come crashing down. 21 day fix got me back on track after several months of zero discipline and horrible eating choices. I rode that motivational pony for 6 good weeks. I lost inches, I lost lbs and I gained confidence. And then it happened.

For the past 6 weeks I'd been really good about allowing myself ONE treat a week. I would go OUT to buy my favorite brownie or fruit bar or whatever I was in the mood for and be done with it. But this week I decided to make one of my all time favorite desserts...at home. BAD IDEA. The problem with making it at home was that it was an entire pan...and it wasn't gone in a day.

I made my Grammy Burningham's chocolate mousse recipe which is essentially a delicious buttery almond crust with cream cheesey, sugary, puddingy, whip creamy goodness layered on top. Having two pieces on my treat day wasn't so bad. Seeing the pan in the fridge the next day completely undid me. The second I gave into day 2 of the craving, it was like someone had cut my brakes and I couldn't stop. I'm pretty sure everyone in my family each had one piece, but I ate the rest (over the course of 3 days). If that had been all I'd done, I'm sure it wouldn't have been so bad...but letting myself give in to sugar on days I wasn't "supposed to", pretty much gave me permission to eat whatever else I wanted too. A late night Whopper, half a bag of chips (WITH dip!), tons of halloween candy, cookies, etc. The proverbial wagon went from being firmly beneath me to being a pile of soot under my butt. Needless to say, I was extremely angry with myself.

I threw a pity party...and ate more in the process...but I knew I couldn't just give up and let this continue. I really didn't want to completely undo what I'd worked so hard for the past 6 weeks. So I grabbed my tools and got to work rebuilding my wagon.

I made my kids hide their halloween candy. If I see it, it's going in the trash. Period. I restarted a new week of 21-day fix and reacquainted myself with my portion containers and food tracking sheets. I kicked my butt in my workouts and I made sure to get in ALL of my fruit and veggie servings every day. And most importantly...I went a whole day without sugar. It's crazy how it seems so easy when you're on a roll and then suddenly you think you're going to JUST DIE!!! if you can't have it RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!!!

I'm grateful that over the years I have learned the tools that I need to get myself back on the wagon when I fall off. It used to be that I'd just give up and go months without even bothering to try. But not this time. I'm determined to finish season 20 of Jilly's Losers this next week with a good loss, but more importantly...self-control. And hopefully, this time the wagon will make it a little further before I go flying off the back again :)