I wanted to write this post a few days ago when this incident occurred, but I decided to do what my dad always taught me...which is to let myself calm down before writing/publishing something. He's a smart man. So lucky for you, there will be less swearing involved haha.
This past Saturday, I received a text from a Utah phone number that I didn't recognize. I asked who the person was and got no response. I am still unsure who wrote it. Here's what it said (though, the text itself was in ALL CAPS)
":You are a strong woman who went from being weak to food to being addicted to micromanaging your weight. You are beautiful and a great mother but your children and family are paying for your new addiction. Enjoy life and all of your blessings. Your appearance is not as important as important as they are" (typos were left in)
My initial reaction was along the lines of, "Who the hell are you to throw around sugar coated accusations?" Well...actually my initial reaction was, "Is this spam?" but those I've spoken to agree that it's far too personal to be spam. I was angry. Not knowing who sent it was the main reason for my anger. As I told my friend Kate that day, "If I knew who it came from, at least I would know the context of my relationship and where they might have been coming from with these statements." But I don't. For whatever reason, this person felt that their words would be better received anonymously. Because they have chosen not to reveal themselves and have a private conversation with me about their feelings, I'm resorting to a public blog where I can address what was said whether they choose to accept/acknowledge/understand it or not.
I will try to address this message one point at a time. So here goes:
1) "You are a strong woman who went from being weak to food...."
I am still weak to food. This has not changed. I am, and will always be, a food addict. I have a very hard time saying no to the things I love, and sometimes, even eating them in moderation isn't enough. I still have bad days and I still binge on occasion. Especially now that I'm 20 weeks pregnant...my food addiction seems to be 100 times worse!
2) "...to being addicted to micromanaging your weight."
First of all, this statement tells me that this person must not realize I'm pregnant. And they also must not realize that in the past 4 months, I have gained 25lbs already. Yes. 25. I weighed in today in my weight loss group for the first time since getting pregnant and it was a wake up call. So micromanaging my weight loss is the last thing I've been doing. Yes, I run a weight loss group. But the "management" I do in there is not just about the number on my scale or anyone elses. Anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes in that group can tell you that it's about changing the way you live. It's about learning a healthier lifestyle and learning to be happy with who you are. You can do those things and still celebrate the number on the scale going down. It is not a crime to lose weight or to want to do so. It is also not a crime for me to LOVE helping others do so. If anything, that is what I'm addicted to. I love watching other people change right before my eyes into someone that they WANT to be. They work hard and it pays off.
If I were in fact micromanaging my weight, it wouldn't have taken me 2 1/2 years to lose 100lbs. I would have broken into the 100's by now. I would live at the gym. I would obsess over every little calorie that went into my mouth. I would spiral into fits of black depression anytime I gained an ounce. I would never let chocolate pass my lips (among many other things which I promise have passed my lips on a far too regular basis haha). I am simply living my life and trying to not do it mindlessly. I am trying to be more conscious about what I am doing.
3) "You are beautiful and a great mother but your children and family are paying for your new addiction."
Thank you. For the first time in my life, I DO feel beautiful. And I DO feel like a great mother. And you know why that is? Because I changed my life, lost weight and became healthier. My "addiction" to exercising and eating better has made me and my family happier than we've ever been together. Why? Because I'm no longer the fat mom who sits on the sidelines while her family has all the fun. I go on roller-coasters, I jump on the trampoline (when not pregnant anyway), I put on a swimsuit and go in the pool....I actually live my life now. Instead of hiding away from the world in my bedroom with a bag of chips or on my computer in a game world where no one can see what I look like...I actually spend TIME with my family. I went from being depressed, miserable and absolutely hating my life...to having happy, involved kids...real live friends...and a marriage that sees a lot more action than it ever did at 330lbs. (Right baby? *winks*) This is how my family is "paying for my new addiction." And I won't ever go back.
4) " Enjoy life and all of your blessings. Your appearance is not as important as important as they are."
AMEN. In case it wasn't clear enough in the last section...I am enjoying my life. Finally. I'm pregnant with my 4th child, I'm teaching Zumba, I'm going out with friends, I'm spending a lot of quality time with my family...and life is AMAZING! My family is more important to me than anything else in this world. If I had to weigh 600lbs to keep them, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But luckily, I don't. Yes, they are more important than my appearance, but it's true what they say about needing to learn to love yourself before you can truly love others. And that's what I needed to do. Of course, I have always loved my husband and my children! Always! But NOW...I love them better. Not more....BETTER.
So to the anonymous person who thinks they know me....maybe now you know me a little better. I wish you a happy life with YOUR family. May it be happy, healthy and full of all the things you want for yourself and for them.