I know that when people look at me nowadays...at 290+lbs...their mind doesn't go immediately to... "I bet she's a fitness instructor!" Believe me. I know this. Upon first glance, most people who don't know me would assume I've never worked out a day in my life and eat Big Macs for every meal. Now this isn't me trying to put myself down...and if you are honest with yourself, you've probably misjudged someone the same way at least once in your life. I have most certainly been guilty of that myself in the past. I know better now.
I also know that when I was at my healthiest...after losing 123lbs...that people looked at me and couldn't believe there was a time when I was over 330 lbs. A time when I wasn't in the gym every day or teaching fitness classes or coaching others in how to make changes in their own lives.
But I've been both of those people! I've been the extremely obese woman who never worked out, who ate thousands of calories a day and was miserable all the time. And I've been the strong, healthy, skinnier (for me and my height) fitness instructor who ate healthy more days than not and helped other people to do the same. The only difference is that now I'm a combination of both of those women and people aren't really sure what to make of that. What they first see with their eyes tends to win out over anything else.
This past year has been pure hell for me and my family and I took comfort in eating. I'm not proud of it and of course food doesn't fix anything...but that's what I did. I quit going to the gym at all for several months and I ate what I wanted because I "deserved it" after everything I was going through..and still am. But after a few months of this self-loathing and punishment, I realized that I really did NOT want to go back to who I was at 330+lbs and I went back to the gym. I found a Zumba class/instructor that I loved and I dove back in to running my weight loss group. But the damage had already been done.
In the past year I've put on 50+lbs and my body is feeling the strain. I can't jump quite as high or do as many jumping jacks or dance a salsa at quite the same speed. I become breathless much more quickly now...but in my head, I am still the same person I was a year ago. I can still choreograph a fun playlist for a Zumba class and then TEACH every single song. I can still plan a good, hard HIIT workout for a client. I can still coach someone on how they can improve their eating habits or ways to change up their workout regimen. I still have the licenses to teach Zumba/Zumba Gold and Pound classes. I still have the certificates saying that I can not only teach a group fitness class, but also be a personal trainer. I am still CPR/AED certified and I am still a nutrition coach. I may not look like I take my own advice, but I am still damn good at what I do when it comes to other people.
So don't tell me that I can't. Sure, many people benefit from working with a trainer who looks the part. My sister, Heidi, is herself one of those amazing trainers. She has worked hard for YEARS to get the body she has, but her body isn't what makes her good at her job. It's what's inside! She is smart and she is fun and most importantly, she knows how to push those she coaches to be their best selves. And that motivates people. Her students absolutely love her for it! But some people (like myself at times) can feel intimidated by coaches who look like my incredible sister. And walking into a classroom and seeing a woman my size at the front...then watching me push through a 60 minute class...makes them see that hey! Maybe they can do this too. Good coaches/instructors come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Some of the best I know have been either senior citizens or pregnant women! And the only way to find out if they're good at their job...is to let them do it.
This 290+ lb woman has helped more than 350 people lose weight and make changes to their lifestyles since 2011. That's not a brag, it's a fact. And a humbling one. 350+ people have trusted me with their most vulnerable selves. With their weights, their full body pictures, their losses and their gains, their triumphs and their pain-filled struggles. And through it all, they've watched me work alongside them and they've seen all of those same things from me. They've seen my ups and downs both physically and emotionally. They've seen that I'm HUMAN! They've seen that it's okay to fall. We all do it. But they've also seen me get back up...over and over again. And hopefully, if nothing else, it helps them to realize they can do the same. It is never too late to try again.
So don't tell me that I can't. Don't brush me off just because I'm a little different or a little bigger. I may have a lot of self-work to do, but I still have a lot to offer. And if you can't see that, someone else will. So thank you. Thank you for re-igniting my fire into a raging inferno. I can do anything that I put my mind to and no one is going to tell me otherwise. The number on the scale and the size of my jeans do NOT define me.
