Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Such thing as too much?

So yesterday I did something I haven't done since my high school volleyball tryouts. I did 2 workouts in one day. I was only able to withstand 30 mins on the elliptical yesterday morning...so I did another 45 late last night right before bed and ended up tossing and turning all night with cold sweats. I didn't feel like I'd overdone it yesterday, but with the lack of sleep and soreness, I only managed 20 mins on it this morning before I felt like I was going to collapse. So is there such a thing as too much? I didn't think an hour-ish of cardio was a huge deal. Maybe I'm not ready for that much yet. Who knows. For now I'll slow it back down I guess...long as I'm exercising every day.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Long freaking day...

So I woke up sore as hell this morning. I knew it wouldn't be enjoyable, but I knew the best way to get over it would be to force myself to workout. I only managed 30 mins on the elliptical today but it's still something, so I'm proud of myself for that. I also finally got the chance to go use the coupon I got from Nathan for a pedicure and took Emma with me to get her nails painted. (bright pink of course!) That was fun..and relaxing.

But then it was like the day went into overdrive and now I just want to kick something. (and ruin my purdy toenails in the process probably). The rooms that were spotless just a day ago are now trashed and it seems our vacuum has decided it will no longer suck. (Or just suck completely, depending on the definition of the word). We also decided it was a good day to change out the cat litter box. It's a huge box..and we keep it stored in our tiny laundry room where the furnace also resides. Yeah...bad idea. Apparently my son hadn't been as thorough about cleaning it out as he said he had been the last 2 weeks and with his help, I spent 2 HOURS sweeping and mopping up cat crap from tiny little spaces and from under the edges of the furnace. My mood quickly turned as foul as the stench in that room.

In my crankiness, I did pop a fun size reese's pb cup and an almond joy in my mouth...but I still put them into my food journal and am still doing pretty well on calories for the day. I'm just...pissed off in general. I want Nathan to come home...I want to have a body that doesn't depress me every day...and I want my house to stay clean for more than 5 minutes. I know these are all problems that other people have, but they're completely overwhelming me at the moment and I don't know why.

Okay, I think that's enough venting on my blog for one day :D At least I kept my swearing in check!

Sunday, March 13, 2011


With all the depression and eating I've had/been doing lately, I've stayed away from the scale. I knew I was creeping closer back towards 300 lbs. and didn't want to see that and hurl myself into a deeper depression. But after watching 3 episodes of Biggest Loser yesterday and seeing how much weight these women were losing...I was thinking to myself, "Okay..enough. You're going to get on that scale and face what you've done to yourself the past month and then FIX IT." I decided that if I can't lose 7 lbs by myself with lots of exercise and eating right (like I supposedly had trained myself to do)...then I'm going back on the drops and doing it the hard way.

So I stepped on the scale this morning and managed to not break into tears when I saw 298.8 show up. That means that since I went off the drops last time, I've gained back 10 lbs...6 of which were just from my horrible comfort eating/being sick over the past month. I'm glad I didn't quite hit 300, but I'm beyond upset with myself for letting this happen. Nathan comes home in 3 weeks and I want to look smaller, not bigger. So now I'm going to hop on my elliptical (after popping some fruit and almonds down the hatch) and watch some more Biggest Loser while I do it. My workout is going to come from sheer anger today and disappointment in myself.

I WILL NOT GO BACK TO 300 LBS! I won't. I can't.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Cookie Dough is the Devil

So last night I made chocolate chip cookies. I hadn't baked any in a while and the kids were so good for me yesterday. I needed that...so I wanted to make them a treat. I need to find better ways of rewarding them that don't involve nummy, chocolatey cookie dough within my reach *grumbles* It's always been a weakness of mine. It's easy to resist it when I'm on the drops. Everything is easier to resist. But right now I'm running on sheer will power and it's still a bit low with everything going on.

I did manage to get my girls to go for a walk with me though to get in a little exercise and fresh air. That felt good. I am so excited for warmer weather to set in so that I can do it more often.

Today's off to a good start so far. I got in my eggs and fruit for breakfast and I decided to forgo the bread for this meal cause I know I'll have plenty of carbs later...but hopefully the better kind. The only kind of bread I buy my family anymore is the Sara Lee 45 calorie bread...so at least I don't have to feel guilty when I make a sandwich! Another thing I hadn't been doing was drinking all my water. So I bought some new water bottles and I'm going to get back into drowning myself in H2O.

Just need to take this one day at a time :)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Time to kick my own butt...

More and more people are pointing out to me that I haven't written on my blog in quite a while. The guilt is sinking in and I decided it was time to do it. As I'm sure most of you guessed...I wasn't writing because I wasn't proud of what I was doing.

Since Nathan left for Amsterdam, my stress and depression levels have climbed and I fell back on my all time favorite comfort. Food. I'm not proud of it, but it did it's job...temporarily anyway. Luckily over the past month I only gained a couple pounds. I'm around 294 right now. Considering the gross amount of food I've taken in since Nathan left, I'm amazed and lucky that it's not more. Well, let me rephrase that. It's not so much the amount of food as WHAT I've been eating. Between being sick and being depressed...nothing was off the menu. But then of course there were also days where I didn't eat anything at all until dinnertime...which isn't any better for my body either.

Today I had the first protein shake I've had in weeks. I also went grocery shopping and bought some more healthier options for snacks and stocked up on fruits and veggies. It's a start. Within the next few weeks, I plan on going back on the hcg drops and getting my butt back in gear so that I can start losing again.

My dad pointed out to me something that is very true. While the comfort eating may be comforting (for now)...if I undo all the hard work I did, I'll be SO disappointed in myself. And it was hard work. I earned every pound I lost and if I hit 300 lbs again, I know I'll sink into a depression I will have a hell of a time climbing back out of.

So enough with the compulsive eating. I need to remember that it's okay for me to still have the things I like, I just need to balance it out in moderation and make sure I'm eating all the other things I'm supposed to be. The carbs won't kick my ass if I'm making sure to eat all my protein too.

So there ya have it...I wrote on my blog. Hopefully I'll do it again tomorrow...and the day after that. Accountability is a huge part of why this has been working for me...so good or bad days, I need to write them down! Thank you guys for reading and supporting me. It helps more than you know.