Wednesday, November 21, 2012

New motivation!

So today I joined another weight loss challenge group on facebook.  You're probably thinking "Why?  Don't you already run one of those?"  Yes. Yes I do.  But one of the girls in my group has a group of her own and is doing a 6 week holiday blitz that I am hoping will be the extra push I need to get back on track!  I love running my own group, but I think it will also be nice to have something a little different...and something I don't have to stress over being in charge of!

The challenge for our first week in that group is to give up one bad habit and adopt one good one.  I chose to give up soda.  I gave it up once before and went months without it but for some reason I've gotten back into drinking it.  I don't drink it like water (like SOME people I know...HI FAMILY! haha) but I want to try to erase it from my diet again if I can.  The good habit I'm going to try and adopt for the week is NO eating after 8pm.  If I had to pick one thing that has always been the hardest for me and the biggest ruiner of my's eating late at night.  So no more late night burritos!!  And hopefully not just for this week!  They taste so good though :(  Stupid Betos.

As for my Jilly's Losers group, our challenge this week is to simply have everyone with a loss instead of a gain.  It sounds simple enough, but it's amazing what stress can do.  I gained 2.2 lbs this past week and it makes me really angry.  I worked out 5 days in the gym, but my eating was out of control.  If I hadn't gone to the gym I can only imagine how much higher that number would've been!  I'm glad that Thanksgiving will be here at home this year.  I'll have a lot more control over what's made and eaten and I think I'll be able to control myself a lot better.

Between these two groups, I'm really hoping to shed another 20 lbs before Cami's wedding.  I've got 2 months to do it.  It's completely possible.  I just need to do it.  No excuses.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Gotta buckle down...again.

I should thank my friend Angie for posting her own weight loss blog entry this week because it reminded me that hey...I have one of those!  I didn't realize that my last post was all the way back in JULY!  I really need to start writing again if for no other reason than it helps me to sort out my head and get back on track with my goals.

The good news is that I've now lost 71 lbs, but the bad news is that I've kind of been stuck there for a longgggg time.  I have exercise down to a science now, though I'll admit I'm bored of it lately.  I try to mix up different cardio machines with swimming laps...and regular weight lifting with circuit training but I'm just...bored.  It will be nice when spring comes again and it's warm enough to start doing more things outside.  I'm really starting to hate my gym..though at the same time, I miss it when I don't go.

Food, as always, is my enemy.  When I think I've kicked something, another weakness rears its head.  I can't seem to kick my habit of stress and comfort eating.  And it really doesn't help that my favorite Mexican place is open 24/7!!!  Late night burritos make for a very unhappy next morning.

My sister is getting married in 2 months.  Back when it was announced I thought, "Hey, this is great.  I have plenty of time to get down to 200 lbs and look hot in a dress!!"  And now I'm thinking, "I'm never going to fit into the size 18 dress I bought and I can't even seem to get under 250!!"  This "plateau" of mine is really really frustrating.  I guess I should be grateful that I finally got under 260 after being in the 260's for 6 months, but it's just not enough.

I keep telling myself to just take it 1 day at a time, but I can't seem to have more than 2-3 good days in a row.  I need a good WEEK.  It's been a long time since I had an entire week where I was in the gym 5-6 days and kept myself to that ONE indulgence day/meal.  I need to.  Badly.  Maybe then I'd see a weight change of more than .4 or .6 and it will motivate me to try even harder.  But I have to start somewhere...and it's Monday.

So off to the gym I go!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

No longer on the sidelines...

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted.  I need to be better about that.  (Isn't that how all journal entries start haha).

Life here seems to have mostly gotten back to normal.  Nathan got his old job at Convergys back and the kids are all enrolled in school and we don't have to there's been a lot less stress.  My weight loss is still hovering at 58 lbs, but I'm feeling a lot better about it than I was.  I'll tell you why!

When I really started losing my weight, I'd made a list of things I want to be able to do once I'd lost enough weight...preferrably this summer. Well over the past few weeks, my mom and my sister Heidi and her family have been in town.  And I got to cross a few of those things off my list!!

Over the past 10-12 years, I've always had to sit on the sidelines when my family went to amusement parks or did fun, physical activities because I was either too big to do them or just didn't have the energy.  It was always very depressing and I hated feeling so left out.  Well with 60 lbs less of me, it's amazing what I've been able to do in the past 3 weeks.  I may have a lot left to lose, but it felt wonderful to be able to celebrate how far I've come..with the people I love most!

On July 6, with all of my kids, my husband, my mother, my sister and her hubby and kids...not to mention a bunch of my Heaton cousins...I hiked the "Y" in Provo.  I've hiked it before, but not since I was much younger and much skinnier.  The last few times my mom took the kids, I sat it out and cheered them on when they got home.  This year, I was determined to do it, no matter how long it took me.  I had to use hiking sticks and I was the last one up and last one down...but I did it.  And it felt AMAZING!  Talk about a calorie burn.  I was sore for days, but I cannot tell you how immensely proud I felt when I was sitting at the top and looking out over the valley while the sun came up.  It was the most beautiful sight.  And next time, I aim to do it even faster :)

Later that same day, we took all the kids to Seven Peaks water park.  Also something I've done before, but usually as a spectator or someone in charge of watching the towels or babies. I couldn't fit in the inner tubes and was scared I'd break the slides or get hurt.  Not this time!!  Not only did my butt fit (YAY!), but I was able to keep up with the kids and go on almost every slide there was.  (I still avoided the tall, scary ones cause I hate them haha).  But it felt great and I wasn't worried about how fat I looked the whole time.  It sounds silly, but to me that was a huge deal.  I just had fun..and it was wonderful.

Then this past weekend we went to Lagoon Amusement Park!  Last summer, we took the kids and I walked around with my mom and watched the littler kids go on rides. It was hot and I was miserable and felt like crap the whole time.  I couldn't ride anything except for the ferris wheel and even then I was terrified something would break (which is silly, but anyway).  My goal for this summer was to lose enough weight to go to Lagoon with my kids and to ride on all the scary roller coasters with my oldest.  And I totally did it haha.  We did the upside down loopdey loops and scary, scream your guts out rides and I loved it!!  I did find that aging  has made me more susceptible to headaches and queasiness afterwards, but damned if I was gonna let that keep me from trying at least once haha.  Again, it probably sounds so silly...but to me...this was a huge deal.

I'm far from where I want to be but I am no longer sitting on the sidelines in my own life. I'm having fun with my kids and my husband and I'm living my life.  It's an incredible feeling and I don't know how I went for so long as a spectator.  I can't wait to reach some more of my goals and see all the other things I'm able to do then.  Next into the size 18 dress I bought for Cami's wedding!!!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Cracking under the pressure...

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but these past 4 days have felt like an eternity of pure hell.  My family's life...has been turned upside down in a matter of days and I can feel my sanity cracking and splitting at the seams.

My husband got a job with a company in Canada and left to drive out there this past Wednesday (having been told what paperwork to bring and that he should be granted a work permit at the border without a problem).  Upon arriving at the Port Huron, MI entry into Canada, he was denied entrance.....twice. Why?  Because he doesn't have a college degree.  This wouldn't be a problem if the company that hired him had applied for the proper forms saying that he's needed badly enough that his certifications/experience are enough.  But no...they "thought" he'd be okay and didn't bother. So now we hang in limbo.  Nathan has already quit his old job and driven 1500 ish miles for this new job only to be told he can't do it just yet?  It will take AT LEAST 2 weeks for these papers to come through...assuming they're approved.  But what do we do in the meantime?

The amount of stress I feel (and Nathan feels) right now is like nothing I have ever felt in my life and I find myself breaking down in tears without warning because I just can't handle it.  If this new job is such a great opportunity for him and for us..why has it been such a bumpy freaking road from the very beginning?  Why does the ball keep getting dropped at every turn?  Is it a sign?  Last night I prayed for the first time in what seemed like ages.  I am glad that Heavenly Father understands sobbing and mumbling because that's about all I could manage.  I didn't pray for any sort of specific outcome...just for some peace of mind, strength and the knowledge to know what's best for our family at this point.  And still I can't stop crying.

What makes all of this worse is that it is very rapidly undoing all the hard work I have put into my weight loss over the past 9 months.  My 63 lb weight loss is now a 58 lb. weight loss and probably still declining.  I keep convincing myself that my lack of workouts is because of injuries (which is true to a degree...shoulder and shin), but I know better. I'm talking myself out of it because I'm upset and worried about other things and I keep telling myself I'll worry about it when this stuff gets sorted out.  But in the meantime, it's caused my eating to go to absolute crap and my sleep on top of that. It's true what they say...stress causes weight gain.  Big time.  And the weight gain only hurls me into depression which causes me to eat even more.  I don't want this!  I don't want to go back there!  I hated THERE.  I hated who I was THERE.

Having to weigh in with my Jilly's Losers every week is normally a great motivator.  But this week it just makes me feel like a failure. I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to set the example and show them "it can be done" and all that motivational stuff...right?  But tomorrow when I step on that scale and it's up another pound or two, what am I showing them?  I know their weight loss journey isn't my responsibility, but sometimes it's hard not to feel like it's on my shoulders if I gain weight and others follow suit.  Silly right?

I've worked too hard for this.  Nathan has worked too hard for this.  We've both come so far...why is it all crumbling suddenly???  And how the hell do we fix it!!  I just want my family to be happy.  I just want a goal to work towards. And it's hard to do that when you don't even know which direction your facing.  Hopefully the world stops spinning soon and we can all regain our footing.

Sorry for the dramatic rant, but's my blog right?  And I feel a bit better now.  Time to try and sleep.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Stress or Success

Yesterday ended Season 2 of my Jilly's Losers weight loss competition. It was a long one. 4 months. The top 3 finalists lost a total of 116 lbs..and I couldn't be more proud of their success :) For myself though, this last season was kind of rough. I only lost 15 lbs. The first 3 months were plagued by illness or injury half the time, which made for a nice little roller coaster on my scale. There are few things more frustrating than a plateau after having lost so much weight. Especially when I have a deadline and a goal in mind!

My sister's wedding is in 8 months and I so very badly want to be under 200 lbs by then. But at the rate of 4 lbs a month, I won't even get close. I'm trying not to let that mentality sink in, but it's hard. I want to be able to wear a dress that I actually don't dread wearing and I want to stand up there next to my sisters and not feel like the odd man out anymore. So I just have to keep pushing. I just wish there were someone behind me to help push!

The biggest stressor in my life right now is a possible move for my family. My amazing husband got offered a job in Ontario, Canada. However, we've spent 3 weeks going back and forth with 3 different companies involved, trying to sort out the mess of numbers and information regarding an international move. It's like the whole Amsterdam debacle all over again! My biggest weakness in my dieting is still my eating. I'm a big time stress eater...and when things get this gets REALLY hard not to just go nuts. I had a gain of 1.6 lbs last week, which isn't too bad..but I know that if I'm not careful it will end up being 20 and then 30. I really don't want to go back there. But it's definitely true what they say. Stress can seriously hamper weight loss efforts. It's gotten so bad lately that I can feel the physical effects of said stress. I'm hoping that by the time we move (assuming everything falls into place) and things start to fall back into a routine..that I won't have gained back 20 lbs in the process. That would only start another vicious cycle for me and I'd rather not have to break it all over again.

I haven't been going to the gym as much lately and I know it's affecting my weight loss. However, a few weeks ago I started the Couch 2 5K program and I love it. I run 3 times a week, so I feel less guilty about not being in the gym for 2 hours a day. I'm now on week 4 of the program and I'm running in 5 minute intervals. I never thought I'd be able to do that. It feels amazing. So even when the number on the scale doesn't show what I'd like it to...I still feel like I'm growing and succeeding in other areas. I'm still reaching goals and striving to be better at certain things and that helps to keep me going when the scale makes me want to quit...and say bad words lol.

So while we try and sort out this Canada mess, my Jilly's Losers will be taking a small break. I plan to keep weighing weekly just to keep myself in check, but I need some time off from running a "competition". This last season was surprisingly more stressful and dramatic, but I just kept reminding myself why I was doing it. And seeing the final numbers and how much it helped myself and so many others...just inspires me to keep going and get ready for season 3! I think I'm going to take some time to change up the rules a bit and try to make it a bit more interesting. It was hard to watch the group go from 27 people in the beginning to only 13 in the end, but as Bob Harper (biggest loser trainer) is always saying... "I can't want it for you." That's been one of the hardest things for me in my weight loss journey and something that everyone has to learn on their own. Wanting it badly enough to go for it.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Moving at a snails pace...

It's been a rough few weeks weight wise...up down up down. I've now lost 61 lbs, which is a huge accomplishment, but it felt like it took FOREVER to break out of the 270's. However, there are some things to celebrate and I've also had some help to shake things up a bit!

I just got back from a trip to Boston. I hate flying. If you've been reading my blog all along, you know I've mentioned my biggest anxiety about flying is not fitting into my seat and crowding the person next to me. Well this may sound silly, but this time...when my seat belt clicked shut and I had to tighten it a bit...I wanted to jump up and down and scream. When I was able to put the arm rest down all the way and not have to cuddle up to the guy next to me...I couldn't stop smiling. To anyone who's never been 330 lbs, or even 280 may think it's such a small, silly thing to get excited about. But it's a huge accomplishment for me. It changed my whole outlook on travelling. I was able to relax and just enjoy the flight (as much as anyone can anyway)...and not constantly be apologizing to my neighbor or trying to suck in my fat or lean harder against the window to give them room. This...was awesome.

My trip was great. It was a lot of much needed family time and lots of fun with my nieces and nephews. But the part that will shake things up for me the most was my personal training sessions with my sister Heidi. Our first workout was the hardest thing I've ever done. I imagine it was about what life would be like on the Biggest Loser ranch, except the person training me was someone I have to keep loving after they kill me haha. I think I told her "I hate you" once or twice though lol.

I've been using nautilus machines for months now and so Heidi taught me how to workout my entire body using free weights and resistance bands. It was amazing how much harder it was and how much longer afterward I was feeling sore. As payback, I made her run on the treadmill with me for a bit...which she hated as much as I do. But it was great haha. I'm excited to be back home and put everything I learned to use and see if it kicks my weight loss back in gear.

While in Boston, my family took a lot of pictures together. Seeing myself next to my sisters still depresses me a bit. It made me see how far I still have to go. But they reminded me that the last time we took pictures together, I was infinitely bigger and that I should celebrate the difference. So I'm trying to not dwell on how far I have to go so much as how far I've come.

I have 9 months until Cami's wedding and I'm determined to look good in my dress if it kills me! I want to show up in Florida and blow them all away with how different I look. It's nice to have a goal in mind. It really helps drive me. So here's hoping. Aiming to hit 200 lbs by the end of December. That's asking a lot, but I know it's possible!

Monday, February 6, 2012

To 50 lbs...and beyond!!

Life is great! It just is. I've now lost 58.4 lbs and had a 5 lb loss just this past week! Words can't express how excited I am as I approach the 250 lb. mark. Since I had my first baby back in 2000, I have been over 280 lbs. I gained almost 90 lbs in that one pregnancy alone. To finally be under that...feels amazing. At 272.2 lbs, I still have plenty of things I can't quite do and things I don't fit into...but it's infinitely better than 330!

This past week in my Jilly's Losers group, a few of us picked out personal goals that we wanted to accomplish for the week. Nathan and I chose to not have any soda for 7 days. I thought it would be extremely difficult and even painful haha...but it was a piece of cake! And I am pretty sure it contributed to my big weight loss this week. Do I think I'll be cutting soda out of my life completely? No. I must've had 3 Mt. Dews last night during our Super Bowl party...but now that I've learned the affect it seems to have on me, I'll sure be drinking less.

My group of Jilly's Losers is doing amazing. It seems we've all had a stressful couple of weeks, but as a whole we've lost more than 220 lbs! That's a whole overweight person! I wish I had thought of doing something like this sooner. It is by far the best motivational tool I have ever found and knowing that it's helping other people is just the best feeling in the world. We still have 3 months to go, so it's fun to see the way the results shuffle every week as everyone fights to get healthy and win the top prize. It's great to see the hard work everyone puts in and the optimism that just flows through that group and keeps everyone going.

I've changed up my workouts a bit. Instead of an hour of straight out cardio, I've now started trying intervals. Things like walking for 3 minutes then sprinting for 1. It gets my heart rate up faster and keeps it up while I'm walking. I sweat harder and seem to burn more calories. Though I can only seem to stand 40 minutes at this pace. I also took one day to swim laps for an hour. Holy crap was that hard. I don't know how I used to do it so effortlessly as a kid. I guess "kid" is the key word there. It really is a great workout and I felt it for days!

Now if only I could get my diet under complete control. I still struggle with getting enough protein and not having too many carbs. Even when I am under my calorie limit, I can't seem to find the right balance my body needs to steadily lose weight. Here's to hitting 60 lbs this week!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Season 2 Underway!

(Before and after pic...Sept. '11 vs. Jan. '12)

Season 2 of my Jilly's Losers group is finally underway and I'm both overwhelmed and excited by it. My little group of 9 has swelled to 30 participants!! It's a lot to keep track of and a lot of responsibility, but I can't even begin to express how much I love it. Season 2 will go through the end of April and I cannot wait to see the transformations.

My friends and family must think I'm nuts, as much as I obsess about this group and about weight loss now, but I really don't care! haha. I've waited my whole life to have this kind of motivation and now that I've found it, I'm not letting it go. I'm now 2 lbs away from having lost 50 lbs. These last 10 lbs have seemed to take forever. They're making me work for it, that's for sure. But 50 lbs is a huge milestone for me, and I cannot wait to hit it. I now weigh 282.6. I haven't been that low in years, but it's been even longer since I can remember being in the 270's, so I really want to break that barrier if I can this week!

For Christmas I got the Xbox 360 Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout "game". Game my ass. This thing has nearly killed me every time I've done it, but I love it! When I can't get to the gym due to sick kids or whatever's perfect for me. It even has challenges that you can do "for fun" against other contestants. I've never sweat so hard. It's great.

My new big goal, however, is to look hot for my baby sister, Cami's, wedding in 2013! It gives me just enough time to get to my goal weight if I keep up the pace. No one who hasn't been through the same experiences can possibly understand what it feels like to be "the fat sister" in all the pictures. It may sound vain to want to look as gorgeous in those pictures as my other sisters always have, but I really really do! So whatever dress she picks out for us girls to wear, I'm determined to rock it! I haven't rocked a dress since I was 16.

My more short term goal is to make the trip out to Massachusetts to visit my sister Heidi and her family, who just had a brand new baby. I'm so excited to see that cute little munchkin and my other niece and nephew, but I'm also excited to have Heidi take me to her gym and give me the workout of my life. She used to be a personal trainer and has been a huge help for me and my weight loss group over the past several months. Getting to work out with her in person would give me just the push I need...and hopefully give me some new ways to work out back home!

I'm so grateful to have a family who encourages and supports me. Even my kids get in on the workouts with me. And with all 3 of them in school now..I even get a few hours to myself each week! Off to the gym!