Wednesday, April 26, 2017

8 weeks, some inches and lots of lbs DOWN!

On one hand I can't believe I've already gone 8 whole weeks with NO sugar and with only a couple of slightly higher carb days. On the other hand....HOW HAS IT ONLY BEEN 8 WEEKS??? UGH! I can honestly say that I have no problem saying no to the sugar anymore. I don't even have to hem and haw about it before saying no. Probably because I'm not allowing myself it's an easy answer. But with the carbs, I'm allowed to have a certain amount per day which means it's harder to say no to the ones that I love. I managed to fit a fried mozzarella stick and 1 tiny onion ring into my macros yesterday and was pretty proud of that...but I have to be careful. Those things can trigger a binge for me if I'm not careful. Luckily my kids had already eaten the rest and that's all that was left, which made it easy haha.

So...8 weeks down and I now weigh in at 265.6! Down 18.5lbs from when I started keto/no sugar on March 1st, 2017 and 65lbs below my heaviest. I am determined to see that overall total get back up over 100lbs lost! 18.5lbs in 2 months is pretty exciting for me. I don't remember the last time I saw numbers that good. As far as inches go...I have to admit I was hoping to see more drastic results, but while I've only lost 7 inches (over the past 8 weeks) it feels like more. My jeans are starting to fit again and my sports bras aren't cutting off my air haha. So at least I know SOMETHING is happening.

I'm going to start adding back in some more strength workouts now to try and help with the toning process while I'm losing. I'm excited to go back to Barre Fusion this morning and have given my foot a stern talking to about behaving. I usually do the class barefoot with everyone else so fingers crossed I don't have to slip into my sneakers. It feels good to be going back to the gym on an almost (week)daily basis. I know it won't be too long before I feel like I'm back in shape again :)

Monday, April 24, 2017

Days 50-55...Eating out and TEACHING MY OWN CLASS AGAIN! YAY!

I'm going to skip to the end first cause I'm too excited to wait. Today...I got to return to teaching :) I literally just got home (and showered, so I'm not dripping sweat onto my laptop) from the gym and I...AM...BEAT! Last night I slept like it was the night before basically...I didn't. And when I did, I had weird dreams. You'd think I'd never taught a class before, but I was seriously terrified. And all morning I had butterflies and a giant pit in my stomach. I was excited to get back to what I love, but scared too. I was afraid my foot wouldn't be able to handle it (it did), I was afraid I'd forget my choreography (I didn't) and I was afraid I was too out of shape (I was...). I am SO grateful that my dear friend and fellow instructor, Dee, was there to teach the last 25 minutes of class because I really did start to struggle. I couldn't catch my breath and felt a bit dizzy and as per usual, my face was red as a tomato (and still is an hour later). I had forgotten how HARD it is to yell out cues while dancing at the same time. I've been working out more the past couple of weeks, but it's obvious that I still need to do some healing and work on my endurance...because holy crap. I don't know how I will teach the whole 60 minutes next week!

I felt so blessed today though. I was afraid no one would show up for my class, but I ended up with 12...which is GREAT! And the best part was that one of my very best friends in the world, Kate Sweitzer, came to my class for the very first time. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends who support me when they know I need it the most. And the girl's got some moves! It meant the world to me to have her there along with all of my other wonderful students who were understanding of my limitations and just made the class FUN. I truly truly missed it and it feels good to be back.

Okay now backing up a bit haha. On Friday night our girls were out babysitting, so I went to dinner with all of my boys! Eating out has become kind of a game for me the past couple of months. It's kind of fun trying to find something on the menu that is low carb, but that I will still enjoy. We went to Outback Steakhouse and I strictly forbid the purchase of a bloomin' onion or aussie fries because I just don't have the strength to say no to those hahaha. But I did get the Alice Springs Chicken with some grilled asparagus and WOW! Was it always that good??? Chicken breast with bacon, sauteed mushrooms which normally I HATE) and melted cheese over the top with a little honey mustard for dipping. I'm sure I was making inappropriate happy noises with each bite, but it was amazing. Being able to enjoy eating out like that definitely saves me from giving up or feeling left out. I will definitely be trying to make something like that at home, though I doubt it will be nearly as good.

Another big milestone for me this weekend was going for a walk with Nathan, Cooper and our dog (Otto). Since breaking my foot, I hadn't done more walking than I would do in a grocery store...and it was always pretty painful by the time I was finished. But we went for a 2 mile walk and while it was slow...I didn't want to cry when it was over. My physical therapist would be so proud lol. I don't imagine I'll be doing any running anytime soon (mostly because I hate it and running is stupid....Sorry to my runner friends! hahaha)...but at least I'm getting to be outside and enjoy walks with my family again...even if I do have to ice my stupid foot after everything I do. At least I'm doing stuff.

Life is good again and I'm loving where it's headed :) I'm grateful that I found the strength to start doing Keto 2 months ago because I know that getting back to the gym would've been 10 times harder if I hadn't lost the weight I have thus far and I know there's more coming off every week! Baby steps are starting to get bigger and I love it :)

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Week 7 results and a little bit of volleyball!

Week 7 was pretty anti-climactic weight wise. I was up 0.6lbs for the week, but considering my "dessert" binge (I put it in quotes because a friend informed me that if it has no sugar you cannot call it dessert haha) and a few carb-heavy days...I'm not really surprised. I'm already down much more than that today after getting right back on track :)

I may still have the occasional bad day, but I know I'm improving when I'm right back on task the next day and my binge doesn't turn into a week long pity party that spirals into a depression I can't get out of. So I'm calling this one a win :)

Season 30 of Jilly's Losers started and my team of 4 is made up of some of the most amazing women I've had the pleasure of knowing. We all met in Zumba class and they have each played a huge role in motivating me over the past few years. I'm lucky to have such amazing women who I know will push me to be my best self over these next 8 weeks. The final weigh-in for season 30, however, falls 1 week after my planned birthday indulgence. I'm seriously considering "postponing" my birthday a week just so that I don't negatively impact my team due to copious amounts of sugar. But we'll see.

Last night...I got to play volleyball for the first time since December!! When I broke my foot on January 3rd, I was less than a week away from starting a new season with my amazing team, The Bombers...or as we've affectionately renamed ourselves due to a typo in our group text...The Perky Boobers. Yeah...we're super fun and you're jealous ;) So I spent our winter season cheering my team on from the sidelines, which was hard to do. But last night I finally got to rejoin them on the court for our first game of the spring season. My surgeon cleared me to start building up to jumping, so I had to keep my feet on the ground...but I still played. Another week or two and I should be back to full form. Unless you play volleyball, you can't understand how hard it is to NOT jump. Especially when you're up at the net...and the other team passes the ball too hard and it comes right over the top of the net and you know you could jump up and just wail it back in their faces..... *sigh*. I gave into the urge once and maybe got about an inch off the ground...but after a scolding from my teammates, I made more of an effort to stay down haha. We didn't win, but it was a good workout, a TON of fun...and it just felt good to know that my body is healing to where I can almost be back to normal again.

Getting back to normal has me a bit nervous though if I'm being honest. I'm terrified of injuries now. This was my 2nd big injury in 12 months and I know if I have another one then I'm going to have to seriously reconsider some things. I'm also terrified to teach my first class in 4 months! I need to remind myself of my choreography so that I don't look like a complete newbie come Monday. But I've missed it...and I'm excited despite my nerves. This has been the longest 4 months and I long for the day when I no longer have to worry about how much my foot hurts as I'm living my life.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Day 48...My demons are far from gone...

Yesterday was eye-opening for me. It was the first time I'd actually felt shame since starting the keto diet almost 7 weeks ago. I had mentioned making a low-carb dessert for Easter and how excited I was at the prospect of doing so...and only having a little bit. Right? Well yesterday I proved to myself that I'm just not ready for that. I maybe never will be.

When I made that dessert, I doubled it so that it would make a full 13x9 pan. Bad idea. That meant that yesterday there was still half a pan left. And all day long it was literally ALL I could think about. I lost track of how many times I went over to that pan with a spoon and scooped another bite into my mouth. I'm sure it was pushing 1000 cals worth, but I honestly didn't count. I didn't want to. Maybe it wasn't even as bad as I thought...but it made me FEEL horrible.

Every time I left the kitchen, I couldn't stop thinking about going back for another bite. Just one more bite and then I'll be satisfied. I haven't had a real dessert in so long, this one won't hurt me if I have a bit more. There's no actual sugar in it, so it's fine. Excuse after excuse after excuse until the pan was empty again. It's a good thing my kids asked for some when they did or I am sure I would haven eaten the entire half pan all by myself. The moment that last bite was gone and the pan was in the sink mind cleared and I wasn't thinking about it anymore. It was so bizarre. WHY DO WE DO THAT! Why does it have to be completely GONE for me to not want it anymore?? Why can't I just have a little and be okay with that? Why can't that be enough??

So no more baking for a while. I just can't have things sitting on counters that tempt me. That was an issue before and it's obviously an issue now. I am not strong enough to do that yet. I hope one day I am. But for's back to single serve fat bombs and not letting the words "sugar free" tempt me into thinking they're okay to eat.

I'd say I'm curious to see how this will affect me on the scale, but I'm really not. I don't have to weigh to know that it probably won't be great. I can feel it. Time to get serious again and show my demons who is boss!

Monday, April 17, 2017

Days 45-47...carbs, carbs more carbs and Easter...

This weekend was hard. I don't know why especially, but it was. Nathan and I went to Station Park on Friday to do some last minute Easter shopping for our kids and our favorite sushi restaurant just happens to be there. I told myself that I'd been working really hard at staying low carb and avoiding sugar and that it'd be okay to have one roll and some grilled veggies. I knew I'd be over on my carb count by quite a bit, but for some reason in my mind I'd decided it was okay. Maybe having the lasagna and breadsticks the night before set something off in my brain...I don't know...but I was suddenly finding 40g net carbs hard again.

The sushi was amazing as always, but I ended up over 100g net carbs for the day and I haven't done that since I started 6 1/2 weeks ago. Having that many carbs 2 days in a row (especially from sources such as pasta, rice and bread) knocked me right out of ketosis and the scale started to inch up again.

Things like this are why I always set a gain cap for my group in between seasons. This season it's 2lbs. So if I gain more than 2lbs when we have our starting weigh-in tomorrow, it will change my official starting weight. Doing this helps keep me motivated to not go nuts in between seasons. And I don't feel like I've gone "nuts" in comparison to season's past...but compared to the past 6 weeks, I definitely went over the top.

Easter was wonderful. It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed it as a family...but as with all holidays, I knew it'd be a struggle with food. What is it about holidays and food?? My family has always had the tradition off ham, sour cream potatoes (funeral potatoes), rhodes rolls and my Grammy's chocolate mousse for dessert. There is only one thing on that list that fits into my plans right now! The ham! So I knew we'd have to change things up.

I had Nathan cut me some ham before glazing it to cut down on sugar and it was still just as good. Instead of making potatoes, I made deviled eggs which have become an almost weekly favorite in our house! I still made the rolls, but I only made enough for Nathan and the kids to have 2 each...and I made the decision immediately that I would split one with Nathan. I ate that thing slower than I've ever ate a roll in my life, but it was SO good! For 18 carbs it better be. The tough part was dessert. I wanted to make SOMETHING...and not just something that would taste like Stevia with every bite. So I went to pinterest.

I found a recipe for Low-carb carmelitas that turned out AMAZING. You'd never have known there was stevia in them. Almond flour, coconut flour, almonds, unsweetened coconut, butter, sugar-free chocolate chips and caramel was heaven. My girls inhaled it. Of course it was NOT low-calorie and one serving was itty bitty...but it was worth it. I had 2 servings for a total of 400 cals, but only 8g net carbs! I ate it slow and savored every bite and while I know it's not something I can have regularly due to all the artificial was perfect for a holiday treat, especially since the girls had no candy in their baskets.

So now it's Monday and another week is almost over. The scale is up a bit, but I'm hoping that my Monday motivation will kick in and I'll see the # drop again tomorrow. I'm definitely feeling like I'm retaining water today. So it's time to drink lots and really keep the carbs low today after all the extras I had the past week.

It really isn't all about how the scale moves. I realize that I talk about it a lot, but there's so much more to this ketogenic thing. I feel like a completely different person. I have more energy, I'm happier, and for the most part my cravings are gone. It really has changed my life and continues to do so the longer I continue. I'm looking forward to doing my measurements again in another week-ish! I hope to see those numbers dropping too. I LOVE fitting back into my clothes!

Friday, April 14, 2017

Day 44...lasagna and breadsticks :-/

Thursday was tough. I went to Zumba in the morning...which was great. I even got to teach a song in preparation for going back to teaching my class on the 24th. But my foot was sore all day long afterwards. More sore than it's been in a couple weeks (and still am today). I may need to spend the weekend staying off it. Being in pain makes it harder to focus on my eating and that drives me crazy.

My 13 year old and I had a church dinner to attend and I had no idea going into it what would be served. Most things are modifiable. But I went into it starving...and that's never a good idea. As we sat down at the table they brought breadsticks from Little Caesars. Having a son who works there, I know how good those are!! I haven't had bread in a VERY long time...but I had 1 breadstick last night and it was heavenly. And then they brought out dinner. Olive Garden salad and .....lasagna. Seriously? Lasagna? There's no modifying lasagna that you didn't make yourself. So I took a deep breath and just went with it. I had two helpings of salad (after picking off the croutons) and then ate half of my slice of lasagna. I figured if I couldn't control what I was eating, I could at least control how MUCH of it I ate. I ate slow to let myself feel full, instead focusing on socializing with friends... and felt okay about how I did in the end. But eating my first pasta and real bread in 6 weeks made it even harder when they brought out these amazing looking browies, pb bars and lemon bars. I thought poor Ari was going to burst into tears haha. We stayed strong, but was harder than it's been in a long time.

When all was said and done I stayed plenty far under my calorie goal for the day even though I was over on my carbs by about 20g. I'm curious to see if/how that affects my body over the next couple of days...but hopefully it doesn't. It definitely reminded me of how carbs don't keep you full very long though. Since starting on Keto, I've had no problem keeping all my meals between 11am(ish) and 7pm(ish)...but this morning I'm really struggling with hunger pangs. At least I don't feel sick this morning which means I didn't overdo it! When you go a long time eating whole foods and avoiding sugars/processed foods/grains...your body starts to heal itself. Going back to eating those things after a while tends to make me feel pretty freaking miserable, so I'm grateful that didn't happen this time.

I'm also grateful that this way of eating has kept me on track during this week off from Jilly's Losers. In the past when we've had our 1 week break between seasons, I've used it as an excuse to eat everything in sight and then some. So it feels good to still be on track and to be in control. I may even post a loss during our week off and that NEVER happens!

Now it's time to figure out how to tweak our Easter traditions to avoid sugar and some of our usual traditional foods! I'll be SO glad when those huge containers of Cadbury mini-eggs are GONE from the stores!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Week 6 and we're halfway there!

I still have a hard time believing myself when I tell people that I haven't had sugar in 6 weeks. It sounds crazy. Who DOES that?? Sugar is amazing! I love sugar! But I have. 6 whole weeks without a single mess up. *knock on wood repeatedly*. It has truly been an eye opening experience and I have learned that when I say "no" to treats that are offered or available...I don't shrivel up and die.'s not so bad.

Ari and I went grocery shopping the other day and the lady behind us in line had Breyer's Butter Pecan ice cream on the conveyor belt. Ariana started whimpering and pouting at me. I didn't know she had ever even tried Butter Pecan, let alone loved it. But I truly believe that when you haven't had your favorite sweets in a long time, LOTS of things sound good that you maybe never had before. I hugged her and told her that the ice cream would still be in the store's freezer in 6 more weeks when she's done with her no sugar challenge and that seemed to chill her out a bit haha. But it's true and I tell myself that everytime something tempts me. Brownies that I KNOW to be delicious sat on a table 5 feet away from me at a church activity the other night...and I managed to say no. Why? Because I know where I can get them and they will still exist in a few months. I don't NEED them. It makes me glad that my mother isn't coming to visit us until after my birthday so that I can say the occasional yes to treats that I only get when she's here! haha. That's not to say that once June 5th comes I'll go back to eating how I was before. I won't be. But there will be more wiggle room than there is right now.

So 6 weeks have passed and this week I saw the scale drop another 1.7lbs for a total of 15.8 in 6 weeks! At the beginning of week 6, the scale seemed to stall out and I really do think that it was the diet soda *sighs* After I'd had it out of my system for 2 days, the scale dropped again. So I'm going to need to be more careful with that I guess. Stevia doesn't seem to affect my being in ketosis...but apparently aspartame does. It's not good for me anyway, but still. Sometimes I just want a freaking diet coke!

Season 30 of Jilly's Losers is starting next week and I'm really excited for the new format I've come up with! We will be competing on teams of 4 and I put together a team of some of my Zumba friends/students from my gym! I know they will keep me on track through June and it will be fun to have workout buddies who motivate me on a daily basis! We just finished Season 29 and while I was far from winning (since I didn't start getting serious until 1/4 of the way in) was the first season in a long time that I had a good weight loss. It felt good to be in control and to feel like I was setting a good example. There is nothing harder than running my weight loss group when I myself have ZERO motivation to do the things I'm trying to help other people do. So it feels good to be back at the reigns again and to have a desire to do so.

I know motivation comes and goes and that I can't just rely on "feeling like it" to get me to my goals. I'm grateful that things have started becoming habit so that on the bad days, I don't crumble. I still get things done the way they need to be and the scale doesn't run my emotions. Life is good!!

Monday, April 10, 2017

Days 36-40...Xrays, workouts, muffins and burritos!

The biggest news of the past few days was my 12 week post-op visit to my surgeon!

(xray on left from 4/6/17---xray on right from 6 weeks prior)

He was very impressed with the healing my bone has done and says I don't need anymore xrays. The placement of my break was one that is normally extremely hard to heal (hence the screw I had to get put in) and he says I've pretty much made it out in the least amount of time possible. That was pretty great to hear. I'm hoping to start teaching again in 2 weeks when he's given me clearance to start adding some impact back into my routine! That also means I get to prepare for returning to my volleyball team this season which I can't wait for! I have really missed playing. I'm hoping that all of this means I can start to get back into a more rigorous workout routine each week. I still struggle with a bit of pain every day, so I will have to keep listening to my body, but I'm getting there.

My workouts lately have consisted of zumba once a week and pilates. I got to do pilates this past friday with my good friend Amy and it really pushed me harder, which I love. There is nothing like having a workout buddy! It's been so great to feel soreness the past few weeks. I really need to up my strength training again. I've been losing weight the past month without too much exercise, but for sanity's sake, I need to get more of it.

On Saturday we decided to go check out IKEA as a family. I hate to admit this, but I had NEVER been there before. I had kind of built it up in my head after all I'd heard about it and then came out pretty disappointed. At least I got in a lot of steps due to the bizarre layout of the store that forces you to walk its entire perimeter just to get back out. But being there all afternoon meant needing to stop to eat before making the drive back home. One of my biggest triggers in the past for unhealthy eating has always been driving in certain areas because they have some of my favorite restaurants. Usually I have no control when I eat out either. Nathan and I LOVE Freebirds World Burrito and since the closest one is near craving was overwhelming. So we went. But instead of gorging on chips and queso and having a whole burrito by myself, I shared a burrito and a salad with Nathan. I did go over my carbs by about 10g, but that's still pretty good if I do say so myself. I really don't think I'll ever be without cravings for SOMETHING.

I've become a bit obsessed with the "treat" recipes my fellow keto friends have given me in the past week. Chocolate PB fat bombs (agave, unsweetened 100% dark cacao, natural pb & coconut oil), strawberry cheesecake fat bombs...and now blueberry muffins. I wish Almond flour weren't so expensive because I'm starting to use it more often. The blueberry muffins definitely hit the spot and were very low carb! I am still learning to bake with Stevia though and need to cut back on it a bit next time. It's far more potent in its sweetness than sugar is! I have to wonder though if these "Treats" are affecting me on the scale because I've been stagnant for the past 5 days. It may just be the fact that I had 3 weeks of fairly decent losses and now my body is taking a break, but I really don't know the reason. I may have to try cutting the treats back out soon if the plateau doesn't break. I guess we'll see.

Almost 6 weeks down! I can't believe we're almost to the halfway mark. My girls are still staying strong on the no sugar front and have fallen in love with the chocolate peanut butter fat bombs since they're the closest thing to a treat they've had in ages! I don't know that I'd be doing so well without their strength pushing me. Cause man...sometimes I just really want a freaking donut.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Week 5 results!

Not too much new to report since I wrote a couple days ago, but I'm excited to report that I lost another 2.4lbs this week! That brings my 5 week total to 14.1. I'm pretty happy about it! It still frustrates me to no end that I am still 1 pound over my weight at 9 months pregnant in December 2014, but I know this downward trend will continue and before long that # will be in my rear view mirror.

People keep telling me they can't believe I've gone 5 weeks without sugar and sticking to the ketogenic plan. They say "I could never do that!" 9 times out of 10. 6 weeks ago...that was me. I've watched several friends lose pound after pound after pound doing keto and I always thought "good for them, but they're crazy. I could never do that." Obviously...I can. I just didn't want to. I didn't want to stop eating those things...cause well...they're really good! But I finally realized I NEEDED to. I don't know that I could have lasted this long if I'd told myself I could NEVER have those things again...but I will never be that extreme. But knowing that 2 months from today I will get to have a scone with melted honey butter and some birthday cake makes it a lot easier to say no to those things for a little while.

I've become a big believer in focusing on the short term. The small picture. The big picture just gets too overwhelming sometimes. And I'm okay with that. Goals are goals and I intend to reach mine...a few months at a time :)

Monday, April 3, 2017

Week 5 highlights...birthdays, sweet substitutes sickness and sanity...

Week 5 isn't over yet, but I realized I hadn't posted anything about it yet, so here goes!

This week felt like a bit more of a struggle. We celebrated my hubby's birthday and managed to do it without any sugar!! Well..he got some cookies the kids picked out for him, but since he's not a cake person, I didn't have to worry about that. I took him to our favorite cafe for breakfast, which was a real test of my will power. Sills has the most amazing scones and pancakes in the world. Seriously. Luckily they also have the most amazing bacon, so I ate lots of that with my denver omelette. I told them no toast and no scone on the side and thought I was in the clear. But of course they brought me a plate with like a full pound of hash browns on it, which I also love. Luckily theirs aren't my favorite, so I was able to box them up to take home for the kids without too much whining. Nathan was a real trooper. Even he didn't get a scone, which I'm sure he wanted. Love that man.

On Saturday, we drove an hour to watch my oldest compete in the Utah Colorguard Circuit finals and of course all the snacks they had there were off limits for me. Pizza, nachos, caramel apples. Blah. Luckily none of it was even remotely tempting, but I had forgotten to bring anything that I COULD have, so it was hard to just sit and watch the kids eat them. To make up for it, we stopped at Zupas on the way home. I love that I can still fit some of my favorites into my macros. I've had to change up the salad I get (Their California Protein Cobb has the least amount of carbs), but I still get to enjoy my Wisconsin Cauliflower soup *drools*. Being able to feel like I'm indulging once in a while is key for me. If I feel too deprived then I will quit.

Speaking of feeling deprived, I decided to try a few things this week that I hadn't planned on, but decided that since they fit into my macros and don't have sugar...then I can have them dangit! My awesome friend, Amanda, gave me a recipe for what she calls "fat bombs". At first I told myself I wouldn't make them because they feel like a "treat", but since they're sweetened with agave, which is better than honey as far as sugar content goes...I decided to make them. The girls were especially grateful. They're just agave, natural peanut butter, unsweetened 100% dark cacao and coconut oil. Each serving I made is about the size of one piece of a kit kat bar and has 133 cals, 3.6g net carbs and about 12g of fat. Fat bombs indeed! So when I need a little sweet something, they're perfect. Thanks Amanda!

The second thing I decided to try was almond flour. Since I've been keeping my net carbs under 40g a day, bread/muffins/etc are pretty much out of the question. A single slice of most breads contains over 20g of carbs and it's NOT worth it to me. But yesterday I felt as though if I didn't get SOMETHING that felt carby and comforting, I was going to lose it. So I looked up a recipe for some almond flour muffins that are sweetened with stevia. I decided to make them lemon poppyseed and they were great! Definitely not as good as the high calorie version, but they did the trick and only had about 6g net carbs.

I am loving learning all of these new things that I can fit into keto! The hard thing now will be not turning to carbs while I'm sick. 5 of the 6 of us have nasty sore throats/stuffy noses and the last thing I want to do is cook or worry about what goes into my mouth. But I know I need to. No excuses! I'm hoping that avoiding the sugar and carbs that I'd normally eat while sick will actually help me to get better quicker. I'm so grateful to feel like I have control again. It is truly life changing.