Monday, July 22, 2013

Crash and burn...and move on.

Crash and burn...or at least that's what it feels like.

I can't really pinpoint one specific thing that sent me off the proverbial rails.  I can guess at several, however.

- I had family in town for over a week which meant a change in my usual routine
- I hadn't eaten out or had soda/sugar in weeks and allowing myself to do those things after so long, triggered an unhappy chemical reaction within me that made me crave it WAYYYYY too much
- We've been working towards closing on our new house and packing up our apartment
- Jilly's Losers season 6 ended and I had "a week off"
- Nathan was working in SLC for the week, so he was home by dinnertime, which he usually isn't.

All of those things, as well as others I'm sure, piled up over a few weeks time to create a perfect storm of horrible horrible choices and food obsession.

I finished season 6 of Jilly's Losers at 227.2lbs for a total loss of 103.4lbs since I began this crazy ass journey.  I pushed harder this season than I had in ages.  I didn't have a single gain and I went hardcore on the challenges..not to mention restricting my diet more than I ever had.  That was great for the number on the scale and the inches on my waist, sure...but mentally, I had no idea I was just pushing myself towards the ledge.

The last day of the season, I was VERY close to the weight I needed to be to lose my 6%, so I did a double workout that morning.  I took my very first step class and then stretched for 20 mins before going to my usual zumba class.  Without properly hydrating, I was exhausted and barely survived the 2 1/2 hours at the gym.  I came home and weighed and barely reached my goal, but then I could almost physically feel the stress and the weight I'd been carrying...cause my will to crumble beneath those 227.2 lbs.  I was ravenous for food and I wanted Zupas.  I hadn't had it in a LONG time and I had earned it dammit!  I got a sandwich, some soup and a brownie.  As I ate, I got full quickly.  It happens when you shrink.  But I ignored it.  I kept going until every bite was gone (though I saved the brownie for later in the day).  I kept within my calorie limit for the day and while my stomach wasn't happy with me, I didn't feel guilty about it.  It was my first "cheat meal" in what felt like forever and I had no guilt.

Before I knew it, that "cheat meal" had become a cheat week.  That first meal lit a hunger within me that I could not seem to fill no matter what I ate.  I hadn't felt urges or cravings...really at all...for 3-4 weeks and suddenly it was as if I was going to die without some carne asada fries from Betos.  Seriously.  Every single day I would wake up feeling sick to my stomach.  My lovely friend the food hangover.  And every single day I would resolve that that day would be the day I broke the cycle.  Every single day started well with a good, healthy breakfast and a workout (most days)...but by dinner time I had NO will power.  None.

What was wrong with me!!!!  Things hadn't been this hard in I don't know how long.  I could physically feel depression seeping in.  I could feel my desire to lose weight slowly fading.  I very much did not give a !$@# what I put in my mouth at that point.  I was very frustrated and disappointed in myself.  I couldn't seem to get back on track no matter what I did.  A track that I've practically lived on for the last 2 years.

And then this morning, I heard the same thing twice.  One of my very best friends, Amy, told me that the most important thing to do right now is to just ...move on.  She told me not to let it get me down anymore. She reassured me that I have the ability to turn this around quickly.  I knew she was right, but I was still wanting to kick myself.  And then I picked up the book I've been reading the past week...  "Fit2Fat2Fit".  Within a page or two, Drew Manning was saying the same thing.  "Move on."  We are human.  We make mistakes.  We cheat on our diets, we skip days at the gym.  But if we spend all our time beating ourselves up over something that's done and over will only make it worse and make the downward spiral last even longer.  "Move on," he said.  Just let it go.

So I did.  I couldn't go to the gym this morning as I always do on Mondays due to my daughters having their annual well child visits at the Dr.'s, but I made sure to start my day with LOTS of water and ate a good balanced breakfast and lunch.  Nathan's back to his normal work schedule this week and Jilly's Losers season 7 starts tomorrow.  I'm sure I'm up 10 lbs from where I was last week, but I also know that most of that is water weight.  There is no way I ate 35000 extra calories.  I counted.

So I'm going to start over.  I'm going to breathe.  I'm going to sweat.  I'm going to drown myself in water. And I'm going to move on.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Alternative forms of exercise...

I absolutely loved having my parents around this past week.  I may be at the gym 5-6 days a week, but in my normal every day days are pretty boring and I don't get in much more activity/steps than I do while at the gym.  But when my parents are around it's a whole other ball game and I love it!

I still got in a few zumba workouts because let's face it...I'm obsessed.  I even got my mom to come with me, which was great!  You can tell she used to teach aerobics as she picked it up really quickly.  Not to mention having her next to me pushed me harder so I could "show off" a bit haha.  But the calorie burn didn't stop after we left the gym most days!

The thing my parents love the most about Florida (I think) is the fact that they can golf year round.  They are both AMAZING golfers and have been giving me lessons over the past couple of years.  Losing weight (especially in the...AHEM...chest area) has really helped to make the game easier, not to mention less tiring and a lot more fun!  My sisters haven't gotten much into the game, but I absolutely love it and wish I could go more often.  So my mom and I got up at 5:30 one morning and walked 9 holes at Schneiter's Bluff in West Point.  It was absolutely beautiful out and even though I didn't play well (I stopped keeping score after the 4th hole when my back/hip started screaming at me) I still had a blast.  I'll never understand how people can sit for hours and WATCH it on television, but I've quickly grown to love playing.  And it's a great workout!!

Then on the 5th of July, while we were all still down in the Provo area, we went for a gorgeous hike up to Stewart Falls, which is on the back side of Mt. Timpanogos.  We were supposed to be hiking with a bunch of extended family, but after being up late on the 4th, no one else showed but us!  We groaned about having to drag our kids out of bed after only 5 hours of sleep but it was so worth it.  I hadn't done that hike since I was 17 and I'm so glad I got to take my kids.  The hike wasn't easy by any means, but it wasn't so tough that I was hating it the whole way either.  And the falls were beautiful!!  The kids loved dancing in the water and my dad even decided to climb to the top of the waterfall.  Crazy man!  We were sure he was going to fall to his death, but luckily he lived to tell us what he saw at the top.

Yesterday was the day my daddy had to fly home, but not without giving me another lesson at the driving range.  We spent a good hour going over every aspect of my swing and I think we finally managed to figure out why I can hit the ball well, but it always goes to the right!!  The man should give golf lessons, seriously.  By the end, I was able to get in a really great drive or two...and they even went straight!  My goal is to one day beat my parents at 9 holes.  I'll need a lot more practice though.

It really was such a great week and I'm glad that it was so busy!  God knows I ate more than I have in weeks while they were here and I'm already back on track to burn it all off...but it was worth every calorie!

I need to try and get in more alternative forms of exercise.  I love my zumba classes, but I know I should mix it up.  I think I may try a step class in the next couple of weeks and I have a 5K coming up on the 24th so perhaps I should see how my foot handles running now that I've given it some time off!  I could use some more suggestions though.  Not going to wait for another plateau to hit before I change things up!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Triple digits...and I don't mean the weather!

Today has been a very emotional and very incredible day.  Over the past couple of weeks I've been slowly inching towards this huge a pace that would irritate a turtle.  But someone must've had a chat with my scale about behaving and today it finally rewarded me with a number that I've been waiting for for a very long time.

How many girls do you know who will post a picture of their weight online!!! haha.  I've gotten over my shyness of it and now this is a number that makes me SO happy.  With this number on the scale, I have now lost 100.4 lbs total.  That's almost both of my daughters combined!!!  My mother heard me scream from upstairs as I realized I'd finally hit that milestone.  I'm glad someone was home to celebrate with me :)

My parents are in town visiting and they had promised me that if I hit 100 lbs before/during their stay...that my mom would take me shopping for new clothes (which I need...badly.  I'm rocking the homey G look for sure with all my baggy pants!)  So of course, that added to my excitement.  Who doesn't like new clothes?  Honestly...I never used to.  I always hated clothes shopping because it just made me feel fat and ugly and bad about myself.  But today it was just FUN!

Remember those jeans I bought myself when I passed 250 lbs and how I was so excited because they were a size 20?  Today I came home with all size 18's and even a size 16 skirt!!!  The girls at the store were probably thinking my mom and I were nuts hugging each other and giggling.  I was just so freaking happy.  My parents are amazing.  They have been so supportive through all of this and I am truly blessed to have them.  Though next time I need to gag my mother so she doesn't tell everyone we meet how much weight I've lost :P hahaha.

You know what else is cool?  I'm now "light enough" (HA!) that my husband walked up to me and picked me up the other day!  Just grabbed me and hoisted me up!  I was like WHOA!  PUT ME DOWN!  YOU'LL HURT YOURSELF!  I've never had a man pick me up before.  Ever.  And it scared the crap out of me.  And then it just became another thing that made me happy.  It's funny how the littlest things can feel like such a big deal when you've spent most of your life as big as I was.

I don't want to sound like some pretentious actor accepting an Oscar, but I really do have to thank people who have helped me to get this far and who I know will help me lose the rest of the weight that I have to lose. (100 lbs is great, but I still have a long way to go).  My amazing husband Nathan has sacrificed nonstop for this journey of mine.  He's suffered through the changes in my diet (and the contents of our fridge) and suffered through all my emotional ups and downs as the scale has fought me for every pound.  I am grateful to have a husband who encourages and supports me in this.  I love him so much.  Even my kids are adjusting to the health changes in our house and they've been such troopers!  My 13 year old has had to babysit his sisters more than he'd like to just so that I can go to the gym.  I should probably start paying him for that huh? haha.    My sisters have also been extremely supportive and have been my cheerleaders through all of this, but especially Heidi.  She is my own personal Jillian Michaels and without her help, I'd probably still be on that year long plateau.  She helped me figure out what needed to change and she pushed me when I didn't want to move forward anymore.  Thank you Heidi Goo :)

But honestly, the people who have helped me the most are my family of Jilly's Losers.  Especially Angie and Amy who have literally kept me in check every single day and picked me up when I fell off the wagon.  But the group as a whole....members past and what has kept me from giving up and kept me reaching towards new goals.  I can only hope that I have helped them as much as they have helped me.  I never thought that starting a little weight loss group could make such a difference when I had tried every other diet in the world.  But it turned out to be the thing that flipped the switch in my brain and for almost 2 years now, the family I've made within...has been my inspiration.

I can hear the music playing to tell me my time is up, but there are so many people in my life who have played their role in this long, exhausting journey and that's overwhelming to me.  I never knew so many people cared.  It's very humbling.

Next goal...heading into One-derland.  I haven't been below 200 lbs since I first met my husband in 1999 and I would LOVE to be there again.  And I finally realize that it's possible and completely within my reach.  Man life is good!!!