Frustrated with success...

That sounds so stupid now that I've written out the words.  It really does.

Today I finally broke the 220's.  I have been stuck there for months and today I finally weighed in at 218.6, which is a huge deal for me.  So why am I not jumping for joy and being happy about that?

I've lost 112 lbs to date, and that's great.  But it's also been a VERY slow process.  That's healthier, right? But still, this hasn't been an overnight thing for me.  I have had lots of plateaus and I've lost the same 10 lbs over and over at different points in my journey.  In any given week, I usually have more good days than bad when it comes to my eating, but I can rarely go more than a few days without either going out to eat or indulging on something that's on the less healthy side.  And despite that, I've always managed to lose a pound or two and press forward.  So why am I throwing a fit now?

I'll tell you!!!

3 weeks ago, I started a 4 week mini season in Jilly's Losers.  Winner take all, hardcore, kick your butt every day kind of season.  I have never won a single season of Jilly's Losers and that's okay because it's never been about the money.  But this time I really wanted to win it!  Mostly because that would mean that I was able to really buckle down and tough things out and do well for more than a handful of days at a time.  So I told myself that it was just 4 weeks and I wasn't going to go out to eat and I wasn't going to have a weekly cheat day where I go nuts.  I was just going to go balls to the wall and give it my all for those 4 weeks.

And I have.

There was one bad day in the last 3 weeks where I was stressed over something and may have eaten half a bag of Wavy Lays and a slice or two of cake. But that was it.  Other than that one wobble, I have been very near perfect with my eating.  I haven't eaten out.  I've made sure to eat a good healthy breakfast and then eat something every 3-4 hours (always a protein with a carb!!).  I've not eaten after 8 or 8:30pm.  I've not given in to late night cravings.  I've been drinking 100oz of water a day.  I've kept to my workout schedule, usualling logging at LEAST 8 hours a week in the gym or with my trainer.  I've gotten my 8 hours of sleep.  Life has been incredibly good.  My husband and kids have been VERY supportive and helpful and I made it through Halloween without eating a single snickers or reese's pb cup.  I may have snuck a few tootsie rolls, but that's not nearly the same!!  These past 3 weeks have very literally been the best I have had since I started this journey.

With all of that, I was sure I'd lose insane amounts of weight.  And the first week I did.  I lost 4.8 lbs.  That's INCREDIBLY good for me.  I think the most I've ever lost in a week is 5 something.  I was really excited. And then several people in my group started posting losses of 8-12lbs!!  I was SOOOO happy for them!  It's so incredible to watch people start their journeys and to see that it's working.  I can't describe the beaming pride I feel watching people change in my group.  But I'd also be lying if I said that I wasn't totally jealous! haha.  I've never seen numbers like that.  Not even when I first started.  But I kept going and made it through week 2.

Week 2 I lost 3.4lbs.  Another great loss for me.  2 great weeks in a row is really rare for me and I was so proud of myself.  And then again everyone else posted these huge inspirational numbers!  And I watched as my name slowly dipped down the list.  But again I told myself it wasn't over yet and I wasn't going to give up.

Week 3 was a bit tougher workout wise because my trainer/zumba instructor was out of town on vacation which threw me off a bit.  I still got in 8 hours at the gym though, which I'm pretty proud of!  My eating was still pretty near perfect though.  No wobbles.  So when I weighed in today I expected another 3-5lb week.  I had EARNED a 3-5lb week!  My face completely dropped when I saw I was only down 1.4.  I'm pretty sure I swore at my scale.  I checked it 4 or 10 times and the number wouldn't change.  1.4lbs in 7 days is pretty damn awesome and if anyone in my group lost that much and was upset about it I'd be telling them to celebrate their successes!!!  And yet here I was about to throw my scale out the window.

I was really mad.  I just could not understand how I could be working so hard and doing so well and the scale still won't do what I want it to.  Everyone else was having 2-5lb losses and here I was sliding even further down the totem pole.  UGH!

For about 30 seconds I was saying eff it.  I'm done.  I'm not going to win this so why even bother trying.  I'm going to McDonald's for a Big Mac (which by the way would make me physically ill now if I tried to eat one).  And then I took a breath and remembered WHY I created Jilly's Losers in the first place.  It's not about the number on the scale...and my number is 112 lower than it was when I started!  It's definitely not about the money, though nobody hates that part I'm sure haha. It's about changing peoples lives.  It's about changing MY life.  It's about becoming the best version of ourselves and being HAPPY with who we are.  It's about being healthier and living our lives to the fullest.

So I shrugged off the McDonald's talk and made myself a wrap and some baby carrots for lunch and chugged down my Vitamin Zero...and I felt better. Because even if after this last week of competition...I don't end up the winner?  I'll be able to say that I was successful.  I'll be able to celebrate a great month of weight loss that was a result of great decisions...and I will know that I did my very best.  And THAT is all that matters.