I'm sure I've written a blog on this post before, but it's one that bears repeating...several times...until it's no longer an issue (which may be never).
I've always loved food. I never understood those people who could take it or leave it and just eat to live...like you're supposed to. I love it. I enjoy it. I savor it. It makes me feel good and I look forward to it every day (several times a day!). During holidays or special occasions, I'm usually thinking more about what food will be served/available than I am about the people I will be seeing or the fun things I will be doing. But since breaking my foot in January...I've realized more than ever how much of my life it has truly taken over.
I'm not just obsessed with food/eating...I am addicted. Truly, honestly 100% addicted. And it's not my fault.
Now I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol and this is of course not meant to belittle those addictions at all...but I TRULY believe that food addiction is just as horrible.
Why?
- It causes chemical reactions in the body that are ADDICTIVE and make you crave more of it, obviously some foods more than others (flour, sugar, wheat....)
- It shows on the outside. I gain weight, I become more lethargic, depressed, angry....
- I think about it constantly. If I'm not eating, I'm thinking about the next time I'm going to eat and what I'm going to eat.
- I crave things all the time. Usually dessert type foods and carbs (bread, chips, crackers, etc)
- Even when I'm not hungry...I WANT to eat. And not just want...sometimes I feel like I NEED to eat. Even when I know I don't!
- It takes over your life. Truly. Sometimes I find myself sneaking food in my own home just so no one else knows I'm eating it. I no longer go to the drive thru and eat in my car like I did when I was at my heaviest, but I still sneak and hide food occasionally.
- It makes me feel ashamed.
- I desperately want to overcome the control that food has on my life, but something always makes me give up and go on another binge...whether it's after a month, a week..or 5 minutes.
- Will power isn't enough to overcome it.
But in one very important way...it is different from any kind of drug or alcohol addiction. YOU CAN'T JUST STOP EATING!!! Food is necessary to live. It just is. There is no going cold turkey or keeping it out of sight/out of mind. And you don't have to doing anything illegal to obtain it. It...is...everywhere.
I recently decided to look up Food Addicts Anonymous and purchased some literature. Yes...it's a thing. Kind of like Overeaters Anonymous. (And yes, I realize that writing about this makes me not so anonymous...but it's my blog and I can write what I want!) There aren't any meetings in Utah, so I joined the email meetings that go on daily just so that I could start reading what they're all about and hear from people who are like me. But the thing that was made very clear in EVERY single thing I read...is that they preach complete abstinence from 3 things. Flour, sugar..and wheat. Complete..and TOTAL...abstinence.
The people who lead the email discussions are required to be 30 days abstinent before they can even ask to lead a discussion. This overwhelmed me. I mean...REALLY overwhelmed me. One thing I have ALWAYS said, especially within my weight loss group, is that I highly encourage learning to do all things in moderation and that I don't believe in extremes like giving up complete food groups. But most importantly, I don't believe in trying to make changes that people can't/don't want to live with for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. And frankly, to me, the idea of going the rest of my life without a donut or a cupcake just does not sound like something I want to do.
But as with any other kind of addiction...moderation won't help and really isn't possible for a true addict. Especially since having just that one donut causes a reaction within the body that makes it want 2..and then 3. You get the idea. Not to mention, I don't exactly live alone. There are 5 other people in this house, all of whom would give me a beat down if I tried telling them there would be no more dessert...ever.
So what the hell do I do. Seriously? My weight is steadily climbing. I'm 10lbs heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant 2 years ago and my clothes don't fit!!! Sure...in another month or so I MIGHT be able to go back to the gym and get in a real workout again, but it doesn't matter. It won't fix the problem. It won't heal my addiction. You can't outrun your fork. And my fork is out of control.
I'm not ready for abstinence. I'm just not. So for now I guess I just keep trying to watch my carb intake and try to eat more proteins/healthy fats. But "watching" hasn't changed a damn thing thus far. I always find an excuse to have "just one more". I know that if I could live in a controlled environment like I did at the Biggest Loser Resort that I might be able to go through whatever withdrawals I need to to get on a healthier path, but going to "food rehab" isn't an option.
So for now I'll just keep on keepin' on...and pray that I don't see a 3 at the front of the # on the scale again. I couldn't take it. I don't want to go back there. But my body is putting up a hell of a fight and my will power is losing.
No comments:
Post a Comment