I don't mean to sound dramatic, but these past 4 days have felt like an eternity of pure hell. My life...my family's life...has been turned upside down in a matter of days and I can feel my sanity cracking and splitting at the seams.
My husband got a job with a company in Canada and left to drive out there this past Wednesday (having been told what paperwork to bring and that he should be granted a work permit at the border without a problem). Upon arriving at the Port Huron, MI entry into Canada, he was denied entrance.....twice. Why? Because he doesn't have a college degree. This wouldn't be a problem if the company that hired him had applied for the proper forms saying that he's needed badly enough that his certifications/experience are enough. But no...they "thought" he'd be okay and didn't bother. So now we hang in limbo. Nathan has already quit his old job and driven 1500 ish miles for this new job only to be told he can't do it just yet? It will take AT LEAST 2 weeks for these papers to come through...assuming they're approved. But what do we do in the meantime?
The amount of stress I feel (and Nathan feels) right now is like nothing I have ever felt in my life and I find myself breaking down in tears without warning because I just can't handle it. If this new job is such a great opportunity for him and for us..why has it been such a bumpy freaking road from the very beginning? Why does the ball keep getting dropped at every turn? Is it a sign? Last night I prayed for the first time in what seemed like ages. I am glad that Heavenly Father understands sobbing and mumbling because that's about all I could manage. I didn't pray for any sort of specific outcome...just for some peace of mind, strength and the knowledge to know what's best for our family at this point. And still I can't stop crying.
What makes all of this worse is that it is very rapidly undoing all the hard work I have put into my weight loss over the past 9 months. My 63 lb weight loss is now a 58 lb. weight loss and probably still declining. I keep convincing myself that my lack of workouts is because of injuries (which is true to a degree...shoulder and shin), but I know better. I'm talking myself out of it because I'm upset and worried about other things and I keep telling myself I'll worry about it when this stuff gets sorted out. But in the meantime, it's caused my eating to go to absolute crap and my sleep on top of that. It's true what they say...stress causes weight gain. Big time. And the weight gain only hurls me into depression which causes me to eat even more. I don't want this! I don't want to go back there! I hated THERE. I hated who I was THERE.
Having to weigh in with my Jilly's Losers every week is normally a great motivator. But this week it just makes me feel like a failure. I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to set the example and show them "it can be done" and all that motivational stuff...right? But tomorrow when I step on that scale and it's up another pound or two, what am I showing them? I know their weight loss journey isn't my responsibility, but sometimes it's hard not to feel like it's on my shoulders if I gain weight and others follow suit. Silly right?
I've worked too hard for this. Nathan has worked too hard for this. We've both come so far...why is it all crumbling suddenly??? And how the hell do we fix it!! I just want my family to be happy. I just want a goal to work towards. And it's hard to do that when you don't even know which direction your facing. Hopefully the world stops spinning soon and we can all regain our footing.
Sorry for the dramatic rant, but hey...it's my blog right? And I feel a bit better now. Time to try and sleep.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Stress or Success
Yesterday ended Season 2 of my Jilly's Losers weight loss competition. It was a long one. 4 months. The top 3 finalists lost a total of 116 lbs..and I couldn't be more proud of their success :) For myself though, this last season was kind of rough. I only lost 15 lbs. The first 3 months were plagued by illness or injury half the time, which made for a nice little roller coaster on my scale. There are few things more frustrating than a plateau after having lost so much weight. Especially when I have a deadline and a goal in mind!
My sister's wedding is in 8 months and I so very badly want to be under 200 lbs by then. But at the rate of 4 lbs a month, I won't even get close. I'm trying not to let that mentality sink in, but it's hard. I want to be able to wear a dress that I actually don't dread wearing and I want to stand up there next to my sisters and not feel like the odd man out anymore. So I just have to keep pushing. I just wish there were someone behind me to help push!
The biggest stressor in my life right now is a possible move for my family. My amazing husband got offered a job in Ontario, Canada. However, we've spent 3 weeks going back and forth with 3 different companies involved, trying to sort out the mess of numbers and information regarding an international move. It's like the whole Amsterdam debacle all over again! My biggest weakness in my dieting is still my eating. I'm a big time stress eater...and when things get this bad...it gets REALLY hard not to just go nuts. I had a gain of 1.6 lbs last week, which isn't too bad..but I know that if I'm not careful it will end up being 20 and then 30. I really don't want to go back there. But it's definitely true what they say. Stress can seriously hamper weight loss efforts. It's gotten so bad lately that I can feel the physical effects of said stress. I'm hoping that by the time we move (assuming everything falls into place) and things start to fall back into a routine..that I won't have gained back 20 lbs in the process. That would only start another vicious cycle for me and I'd rather not have to break it all over again.
I haven't been going to the gym as much lately and I know it's affecting my weight loss. However, a few weeks ago I started the Couch 2 5K program and I love it. I run 3 times a week, so I feel less guilty about not being in the gym for 2 hours a day. I'm now on week 4 of the program and I'm running in 5 minute intervals. I never thought I'd be able to do that. It feels amazing. So even when the number on the scale doesn't show what I'd like it to...I still feel like I'm growing and succeeding in other areas. I'm still reaching goals and striving to be better at certain things and that helps to keep me going when the scale makes me want to quit...and say bad words lol.
So while we try and sort out this Canada mess, my Jilly's Losers will be taking a small break. I plan to keep weighing weekly just to keep myself in check, but I need some time off from running a "competition". This last season was surprisingly more stressful and dramatic, but I just kept reminding myself why I was doing it. And seeing the final numbers and how much it helped myself and so many others...just inspires me to keep going and get ready for season 3! I think I'm going to take some time to change up the rules a bit and try to make it a bit more interesting. It was hard to watch the group go from 27 people in the beginning to only 13 in the end, but as Bob Harper (biggest loser trainer) is always saying... "I can't want it for you." That's been one of the hardest things for me in my weight loss journey and something that everyone has to learn on their own. Wanting it badly enough to go for it.
My sister's wedding is in 8 months and I so very badly want to be under 200 lbs by then. But at the rate of 4 lbs a month, I won't even get close. I'm trying not to let that mentality sink in, but it's hard. I want to be able to wear a dress that I actually don't dread wearing and I want to stand up there next to my sisters and not feel like the odd man out anymore. So I just have to keep pushing. I just wish there were someone behind me to help push!
The biggest stressor in my life right now is a possible move for my family. My amazing husband got offered a job in Ontario, Canada. However, we've spent 3 weeks going back and forth with 3 different companies involved, trying to sort out the mess of numbers and information regarding an international move. It's like the whole Amsterdam debacle all over again! My biggest weakness in my dieting is still my eating. I'm a big time stress eater...and when things get this bad...it gets REALLY hard not to just go nuts. I had a gain of 1.6 lbs last week, which isn't too bad..but I know that if I'm not careful it will end up being 20 and then 30. I really don't want to go back there. But it's definitely true what they say. Stress can seriously hamper weight loss efforts. It's gotten so bad lately that I can feel the physical effects of said stress. I'm hoping that by the time we move (assuming everything falls into place) and things start to fall back into a routine..that I won't have gained back 20 lbs in the process. That would only start another vicious cycle for me and I'd rather not have to break it all over again.
I haven't been going to the gym as much lately and I know it's affecting my weight loss. However, a few weeks ago I started the Couch 2 5K program and I love it. I run 3 times a week, so I feel less guilty about not being in the gym for 2 hours a day. I'm now on week 4 of the program and I'm running in 5 minute intervals. I never thought I'd be able to do that. It feels amazing. So even when the number on the scale doesn't show what I'd like it to...I still feel like I'm growing and succeeding in other areas. I'm still reaching goals and striving to be better at certain things and that helps to keep me going when the scale makes me want to quit...and say bad words lol.
So while we try and sort out this Canada mess, my Jilly's Losers will be taking a small break. I plan to keep weighing weekly just to keep myself in check, but I need some time off from running a "competition". This last season was surprisingly more stressful and dramatic, but I just kept reminding myself why I was doing it. And seeing the final numbers and how much it helped myself and so many others...just inspires me to keep going and get ready for season 3! I think I'm going to take some time to change up the rules a bit and try to make it a bit more interesting. It was hard to watch the group go from 27 people in the beginning to only 13 in the end, but as Bob Harper (biggest loser trainer) is always saying... "I can't want it for you." That's been one of the hardest things for me in my weight loss journey and something that everyone has to learn on their own. Wanting it badly enough to go for it.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Moving at a snails pace...
It's been a rough few weeks weight wise...up down up down. I've now lost 61 lbs, which is a huge accomplishment, but it felt like it took FOREVER to break out of the 270's. However, there are some things to celebrate and I've also had some help to shake things up a bit!
I just got back from a trip to Boston. I hate flying. If you've been reading my blog all along, you know I've mentioned my biggest anxiety about flying is not fitting into my seat and crowding the person next to me. Well this may sound silly, but this time...when my seat belt clicked shut and I had to tighten it a bit...I wanted to jump up and down and scream. When I was able to put the arm rest down all the way and not have to cuddle up to the guy next to me...I couldn't stop smiling. To anyone who's never been 330 lbs, or even 280 lbs...you may think it's such a small, silly thing to get excited about. But it's a huge accomplishment for me. It changed my whole outlook on travelling. I was able to relax and just enjoy the flight (as much as anyone can anyway)...and not constantly be apologizing to my neighbor or trying to suck in my fat or lean harder against the window to give them room. This...was awesome.
My trip was great. It was a lot of much needed family time and lots of fun with my nieces and nephews. But the part that will shake things up for me the most was my personal training sessions with my sister Heidi. She...kicked...my...ass. Our first workout was the hardest thing I've ever done. I imagine it was about what life would be like on the Biggest Loser ranch, except the person training me was someone I have to keep loving after they kill me haha. I think I told her "I hate you" once or twice though lol.
I've been using nautilus machines for months now and so Heidi taught me how to workout my entire body using free weights and resistance bands. It was amazing how much harder it was and how much longer afterward I was feeling sore. As payback, I made her run on the treadmill with me for a bit...which she hated as much as I do. But it was great haha. I'm excited to be back home and put everything I learned to use and see if it kicks my weight loss back in gear.
While in Boston, my family took a lot of pictures together. Seeing myself next to my sisters still depresses me a bit. It made me see how far I still have to go. But they reminded me that the last time we took pictures together, I was infinitely bigger and that I should celebrate the difference. So I'm trying to not dwell on how far I have to go so much as how far I've come.
I have 9 months until Cami's wedding and I'm determined to look good in my dress if it kills me! I want to show up in Florida and blow them all away with how different I look. It's nice to have a goal in mind. It really helps drive me. So here's hoping. Aiming to hit 200 lbs by the end of December. That's asking a lot, but I know it's possible!
I just got back from a trip to Boston. I hate flying. If you've been reading my blog all along, you know I've mentioned my biggest anxiety about flying is not fitting into my seat and crowding the person next to me. Well this may sound silly, but this time...when my seat belt clicked shut and I had to tighten it a bit...I wanted to jump up and down and scream. When I was able to put the arm rest down all the way and not have to cuddle up to the guy next to me...I couldn't stop smiling. To anyone who's never been 330 lbs, or even 280 lbs...you may think it's such a small, silly thing to get excited about. But it's a huge accomplishment for me. It changed my whole outlook on travelling. I was able to relax and just enjoy the flight (as much as anyone can anyway)...and not constantly be apologizing to my neighbor or trying to suck in my fat or lean harder against the window to give them room. This...was awesome.
My trip was great. It was a lot of much needed family time and lots of fun with my nieces and nephews. But the part that will shake things up for me the most was my personal training sessions with my sister Heidi. She...kicked...my...ass. Our first workout was the hardest thing I've ever done. I imagine it was about what life would be like on the Biggest Loser ranch, except the person training me was someone I have to keep loving after they kill me haha. I think I told her "I hate you" once or twice though lol.
I've been using nautilus machines for months now and so Heidi taught me how to workout my entire body using free weights and resistance bands. It was amazing how much harder it was and how much longer afterward I was feeling sore. As payback, I made her run on the treadmill with me for a bit...which she hated as much as I do. But it was great haha. I'm excited to be back home and put everything I learned to use and see if it kicks my weight loss back in gear.
While in Boston, my family took a lot of pictures together. Seeing myself next to my sisters still depresses me a bit. It made me see how far I still have to go. But they reminded me that the last time we took pictures together, I was infinitely bigger and that I should celebrate the difference. So I'm trying to not dwell on how far I have to go so much as how far I've come.
I have 9 months until Cami's wedding and I'm determined to look good in my dress if it kills me! I want to show up in Florida and blow them all away with how different I look. It's nice to have a goal in mind. It really helps drive me. So here's hoping. Aiming to hit 200 lbs by the end of December. That's asking a lot, but I know it's possible!
Monday, February 6, 2012
To 50 lbs...and beyond!!
Life is great! It just is. I've now lost 58.4 lbs and had a 5 lb loss just this past week! Words can't express how excited I am as I approach the 250 lb. mark. Since I had my first baby back in 2000, I have been over 280 lbs. I gained almost 90 lbs in that one pregnancy alone. To finally be under that...feels amazing. At 272.2 lbs, I still have plenty of things I can't quite do and things I don't fit into...but it's infinitely better than 330!
This past week in my Jilly's Losers group, a few of us picked out personal goals that we wanted to accomplish for the week. Nathan and I chose to not have any soda for 7 days. I thought it would be extremely difficult and even painful haha...but it was a piece of cake! And I am pretty sure it contributed to my big weight loss this week. Do I think I'll be cutting soda out of my life completely? No. I must've had 3 Mt. Dews last night during our Super Bowl party...but now that I've learned the affect it seems to have on me, I'll sure be drinking less.
My group of Jilly's Losers is doing amazing. It seems we've all had a stressful couple of weeks, but as a whole we've lost more than 220 lbs! That's a whole overweight person! I wish I had thought of doing something like this sooner. It is by far the best motivational tool I have ever found and knowing that it's helping other people is just the best feeling in the world. We still have 3 months to go, so it's fun to see the way the results shuffle every week as everyone fights to get healthy and win the top prize. It's great to see the hard work everyone puts in and the optimism that just flows through that group and keeps everyone going.
I've changed up my workouts a bit. Instead of an hour of straight out cardio, I've now started trying intervals. Things like walking for 3 minutes then sprinting for 1. It gets my heart rate up faster and keeps it up while I'm walking. I sweat harder and seem to burn more calories. Though I can only seem to stand 40 minutes at this pace. I also took one day to swim laps for an hour. Holy crap was that hard. I don't know how I used to do it so effortlessly as a kid. I guess "kid" is the key word there. It really is a great workout and I felt it for days!
Now if only I could get my diet under complete control. I still struggle with getting enough protein and not having too many carbs. Even when I am under my calorie limit, I can't seem to find the right balance my body needs to steadily lose weight. Here's to hitting 60 lbs this week!
This past week in my Jilly's Losers group, a few of us picked out personal goals that we wanted to accomplish for the week. Nathan and I chose to not have any soda for 7 days. I thought it would be extremely difficult and even painful haha...but it was a piece of cake! And I am pretty sure it contributed to my big weight loss this week. Do I think I'll be cutting soda out of my life completely? No. I must've had 3 Mt. Dews last night during our Super Bowl party...but now that I've learned the affect it seems to have on me, I'll sure be drinking less.
My group of Jilly's Losers is doing amazing. It seems we've all had a stressful couple of weeks, but as a whole we've lost more than 220 lbs! That's a whole overweight person! I wish I had thought of doing something like this sooner. It is by far the best motivational tool I have ever found and knowing that it's helping other people is just the best feeling in the world. We still have 3 months to go, so it's fun to see the way the results shuffle every week as everyone fights to get healthy and win the top prize. It's great to see the hard work everyone puts in and the optimism that just flows through that group and keeps everyone going.
I've changed up my workouts a bit. Instead of an hour of straight out cardio, I've now started trying intervals. Things like walking for 3 minutes then sprinting for 1. It gets my heart rate up faster and keeps it up while I'm walking. I sweat harder and seem to burn more calories. Though I can only seem to stand 40 minutes at this pace. I also took one day to swim laps for an hour. Holy crap was that hard. I don't know how I used to do it so effortlessly as a kid. I guess "kid" is the key word there. It really is a great workout and I felt it for days!
Now if only I could get my diet under complete control. I still struggle with getting enough protein and not having too many carbs. Even when I am under my calorie limit, I can't seem to find the right balance my body needs to steadily lose weight. Here's to hitting 60 lbs this week!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Season 2 Underway!
(Before and after pic...Sept. '11 vs. Jan. '12)
Season 2 of my Jilly's Losers group is finally underway and I'm both overwhelmed and excited by it. My little group of 9 has swelled to 30 participants!! It's a lot to keep track of and a lot of responsibility, but I can't even begin to express how much I love it. Season 2 will go through the end of April and I cannot wait to see the transformations.
My friends and family must think I'm nuts, as much as I obsess about this group and about weight loss now, but I really don't care! haha. I've waited my whole life to have this kind of motivation and now that I've found it, I'm not letting it go. I'm now 2 lbs away from having lost 50 lbs. These last 10 lbs have seemed to take forever. They're making me work for it, that's for sure. But 50 lbs is a huge milestone for me, and I cannot wait to hit it. I now weigh 282.6. I haven't been that low in years, but it's been even longer since I can remember being in the 270's, so I really want to break that barrier if I can this week!
For Christmas I got the Xbox 360 Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout "game". Game my ass. This thing has nearly killed me every time I've done it, but I love it! When I can't get to the gym due to sick kids or whatever else..it's perfect for me. It even has challenges that you can do "for fun" against other contestants. I've never sweat so hard. It's great.
My new big goal, however, is to look hot for my baby sister, Cami's, wedding in 2013! It gives me just enough time to get to my goal weight if I keep up the pace. No one who hasn't been through the same experiences can possibly understand what it feels like to be "the fat sister" in all the pictures. It may sound vain to want to look as gorgeous in those pictures as my other sisters always have, but I really really do! So whatever dress she picks out for us girls to wear, I'm determined to rock it! I haven't rocked a dress since I was 16.
My more short term goal is to make the trip out to Massachusetts to visit my sister Heidi and her family, who just had a brand new baby. I'm so excited to see that cute little munchkin and my other niece and nephew, but I'm also excited to have Heidi take me to her gym and give me the workout of my life. She used to be a personal trainer and has been a huge help for me and my weight loss group over the past several months. Getting to work out with her in person would give me just the push I need...and hopefully give me some new ways to work out back home!
I'm so grateful to have a family who encourages and supports me. Even my kids get in on the workouts with me. And with all 3 of them in school now..I even get a few hours to myself each week! Off to the gym!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Season 1 ends
I have to say I'm really proud of myself. That sounds like bragging..and I guess it is. But like my Grandpa Heaton always used to say...it ain't braggin' if you can do it! "Season 1" of my Jillys Losers weight loss competition ended yesterday and I just can't stop smiling. It was just a small group of us this time around, but I feel like I did something good. Not only did it help me to lose another 26 lbs (I'm now down 46 from my heaviest)...but it also helped people I love and people that became new friends to lose weight with me. I'm so proud of them that words can't even express.
I've done Weight Watchers before and Jenny Craig and every other weight loss plan in the book. But nothing I've ever done before had this much success. Ever. After 3 months, I have a close knit group of friends who push me like no one ever has. We weigh in every week and give each other advice and pointers and we talk every day. Everyone is held accountable. There's even a little competitive edge to it that makes us all want to try harder every week. I'm just so happy to be a part of something that has improved my life and my health and that of others as well. There's still such a LONG way to go.
As a group of 9, we lost over 150 lbs in 13 weeks. It's not quite the same as if we were all on the Biggest Loser ranch, but it's still pretty damn good! We're starting "Season 2" on January 1st and I am hoping to get more of my friends and family involved. I have to laugh..that after trying literally every diet in the book..the thing that worked the best is just regular exercise and calorie counting. I guess I've known that my whole life huh?
46 lbs down...134 to go! I'm determined to look sexy as hell at my baby sister's wedding!
I've done Weight Watchers before and Jenny Craig and every other weight loss plan in the book. But nothing I've ever done before had this much success. Ever. After 3 months, I have a close knit group of friends who push me like no one ever has. We weigh in every week and give each other advice and pointers and we talk every day. Everyone is held accountable. There's even a little competitive edge to it that makes us all want to try harder every week. I'm just so happy to be a part of something that has improved my life and my health and that of others as well. There's still such a LONG way to go.
As a group of 9, we lost over 150 lbs in 13 weeks. It's not quite the same as if we were all on the Biggest Loser ranch, but it's still pretty damn good! We're starting "Season 2" on January 1st and I am hoping to get more of my friends and family involved. I have to laugh..that after trying literally every diet in the book..the thing that worked the best is just regular exercise and calorie counting. I guess I've known that my whole life huh?
46 lbs down...134 to go! I'm determined to look sexy as hell at my baby sister's wedding!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Protein Overdose
...or lack thereof. I lost more weight in 2 weeks at my parents house than I did in almost 2 months time at home and frankly..it's pissing me off. I go to the gym almost daily for at LEAST 90 mins. I eat 16-1700 calories a day..and I still find myself only losing 1.5 lbs a week, if that! My sister Heidi and I have come to the conclusion that my body just has some screwed up super-sensitivity to carbs. And when I don't get enough protein into my system..it doesn't matter how many calories I ate. I won't lose.
Maeli tells me I should be getting in around 180-190g of protein a day (as does every website I've looked at). And it's FREAKING HARD! I got in 105 yesterday...127 the day before. But I'm still struggling with it! In Florida I had both parents helping me immensely by making protein shakes twice a day and always having protein bars on hand. And I was just more careful I guess. Having 8 people in a one floor house tends to make you very conscious about what you eat haha. But I was also a lot more active. Not only did I get in workout time at the gym, but there was always something else going on. Golfing, the beach, bike riding, family outings..you name it. At home, I tend to keep to myself more and with the cold, crappy weather..it's even less incentive to go anywhere!
So this week, Nathan and I decided to pull out our "Iron Will" selves and really get serious about things. No eating after 7. No eating out (unless it's Subway). No desserts and hopefully LOTS of protein. So we'll see how it goes. Our Jilly's Losers competition ends in a little less than 2 weeks and I'm in 3rd place. So, if I want any chance at moving up in the ranks, I need to work my ass off!! So bring on the protein overdose!
Maeli tells me I should be getting in around 180-190g of protein a day (as does every website I've looked at). And it's FREAKING HARD! I got in 105 yesterday...127 the day before. But I'm still struggling with it! In Florida I had both parents helping me immensely by making protein shakes twice a day and always having protein bars on hand. And I was just more careful I guess. Having 8 people in a one floor house tends to make you very conscious about what you eat haha. But I was also a lot more active. Not only did I get in workout time at the gym, but there was always something else going on. Golfing, the beach, bike riding, family outings..you name it. At home, I tend to keep to myself more and with the cold, crappy weather..it's even less incentive to go anywhere!
So this week, Nathan and I decided to pull out our "Iron Will" selves and really get serious about things. No eating after 7. No eating out (unless it's Subway). No desserts and hopefully LOTS of protein. So we'll see how it goes. Our Jilly's Losers competition ends in a little less than 2 weeks and I'm in 3rd place. So, if I want any chance at moving up in the ranks, I need to work my ass off!! So bring on the protein overdose!
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