Monday, July 22, 2013

Crash and burn...and move on.

Crash and burn...or at least that's what it feels like.

I can't really pinpoint one specific thing that sent me off the proverbial rails.  I can guess at several, however.

- I had family in town for over a week which meant a change in my usual routine
- I hadn't eaten out or had soda/sugar in weeks and allowing myself to do those things after so long, triggered an unhappy chemical reaction within me that made me crave it WAYYYYY too much
- We've been working towards closing on our new house and packing up our apartment
- Jilly's Losers season 6 ended and I had "a week off"
- Nathan was working in SLC for the week, so he was home by dinnertime, which he usually isn't.

All of those things, as well as others I'm sure, piled up over a few weeks time to create a perfect storm of horrible horrible choices and food obsession.

I finished season 6 of Jilly's Losers at 227.2lbs for a total loss of 103.4lbs since I began this crazy ass journey.  I pushed harder this season than I had in ages.  I didn't have a single gain and I went hardcore on the challenges..not to mention restricting my diet more than I ever had.  That was great for the number on the scale and the inches on my waist, sure...but mentally, I had no idea I was just pushing myself towards the ledge.

The last day of the season, I was VERY close to the weight I needed to be to lose my 6%, so I did a double workout that morning.  I took my very first step class and then stretched for 20 mins before going to my usual zumba class.  Without properly hydrating, I was exhausted and barely survived the 2 1/2 hours at the gym.  I came home and weighed and barely reached my goal, but then I could almost physically feel the stress and the weight I'd been carrying...cause my will to crumble beneath those 227.2 lbs.  I was ravenous for food and I wanted Zupas.  I hadn't had it in a LONG time and I had earned it dammit!  I got a sandwich, some soup and a brownie.  As I ate, I got full quickly.  It happens when you shrink.  But I ignored it.  I kept going until every bite was gone (though I saved the brownie for later in the day).  I kept within my calorie limit for the day and while my stomach wasn't happy with me, I didn't feel guilty about it.  It was my first "cheat meal" in what felt like forever and I had no guilt.

Before I knew it, that "cheat meal" had become a cheat week.  That first meal lit a hunger within me that I could not seem to fill no matter what I ate.  I hadn't felt urges or cravings...really at all...for 3-4 weeks and suddenly it was as if I was going to die without some carne asada fries from Betos.  Seriously.  Every single day I would wake up feeling sick to my stomach.  My lovely friend the food hangover.  And every single day I would resolve that that day would be the day I broke the cycle.  Every single day started well with a good, healthy breakfast and a workout (most days)...but by dinner time I had NO will power.  None.

What was wrong with me!!!!  Things hadn't been this hard in I don't know how long.  I could physically feel depression seeping in.  I could feel my desire to lose weight slowly fading.  I very much did not give a !$@# what I put in my mouth at that point.  I was very frustrated and disappointed in myself.  I couldn't seem to get back on track no matter what I did.  A track that I've practically lived on for the last 2 years.

And then this morning, I heard the same thing twice.  One of my very best friends, Amy, told me that the most important thing to do right now is to just ...move on.  She told me not to let it get me down anymore. She reassured me that I have the ability to turn this around quickly.  I knew she was right, but I was still wanting to kick myself.  And then I picked up the book I've been reading the past week...  "Fit2Fat2Fit".  Within a page or two, Drew Manning was saying the same thing.  "Move on."  We are human.  We make mistakes.  We cheat on our diets, we skip days at the gym.  But if we spend all our time beating ourselves up over something that's done and over with...it will only make it worse and make the downward spiral last even longer.  "Move on," he said.  Just let it go.

So I did.  I couldn't go to the gym this morning as I always do on Mondays due to my daughters having their annual well child visits at the Dr.'s, but I made sure to start my day with LOTS of water and ate a good balanced breakfast and lunch.  Nathan's back to his normal work schedule this week and Jilly's Losers season 7 starts tomorrow.  I'm sure I'm up 10 lbs from where I was last week, but I also know that most of that is water weight.  There is no way I ate 35000 extra calories.  I counted.

So I'm going to start over.  I'm going to breathe.  I'm going to sweat.  I'm going to drown myself in water. And I'm going to move on.

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