UGHHHHH!!!

I know my title is not very articulate, but it's honestly the only thing that describes how I've been feeling lately.  About 2 months ago, I hit my lowest weight of 217.  I've not been able to get below it since.  I go between 222 and 217 over and over and over, no matter what I do.  I've had bad weeks where I ate out too much and gained a couple...and great weeks where I thought I'd done REALLY well and still can't seem to break that barrier.

The problem is...I know what I have to do to break through it and right now I'm just not in the state of mind to do it.  My body has lost so much weight and it has long ago adjusted to my insane workout schedule.  I do mix it up.  I do Zumba fitness, yoga, pilates, strength training, high intensity intervals, cardio machines, walking...I really can't change things up any more than I already have.  So I know it's in my diet.  The problem is, my body has adjusted so well to all the positive changes I've made over the past 2 years, that in order for me to lose weight at this point, it's not about how many calories I eat anymore.  It's about eating extremely clean.  That means lean proteins, veggies, fruits, nuts, and taking out anything even remotely treat like or processed.  The thing is...I don't want to.

For me, eating 100% clean and perfect 7 days a week is NOT something I aspire to do or would ever be able to do.  It's not realistic for anyone, really.  I "could" do it, sure...but I would be angry and miserable and fighting off cravings constantly.  I need to be able to cheat once in a while.  I need to be able to just eat what I want sometimes.  And I used to be able to do that and still lose weight.  But not anymore.  This past week we ate out one single time and split a burrito.  We also had football Sunday where I indulged on some chips & dip and candy.  Nothing too insane.  And yet here I am about to weigh in for the week and I am up a little (though that might change after my morning workout).

How is that fair?  I spend 6 days at the gym.  I workout anywhere from 1-3 hours in a day between gym workouts/classes and working on my own teaching routines at home.  I'm burning WAY more calories than I'm eating.  Shouldn't the math work out in my favor?  It's seriously pissing me off.  And what makes it even harder is watching other people doing the same things I am, and just sliding down the scale.  I know that there was a time in my journey when I could get away with this but I guess that time is over.  Question is, how badly do I want it?  I REALLY want to be under 200 lbs.  And the fact that I can't seem to even get within 10 lbs makes me want to cry.  I'm in a good place physically right now.  I feel healthy and happy and I'm enjoying life.  But I am not willing to stay at a weight where I'm still considered "obese" by my doctor.

I guess it's a new week...again.  And I'll try and take it one day at a time...again.  But this whole journey I'm on is starting to get really old.  I hate getting stuck.  It kills my motivation and makes it hard for me to motivate others.  But I'll keep trying.  I'm definitely not ready to give up.