Where oh where has my will power gone...

When things are so rough that I don't want to write a blog about it...that's when I know I need to.  So I'm just going to say this quickly.  Rip off the proverbial bandaid.  Since finding out I was pregnant 8 weeks ago, I have gained 14lbs.  All of which were gained within a 6 week period.  (I've managed to maintain the past two weeks.)  There are a lot of reasons this happened, only a very small percentage is "because I'm growing another human being".

When the pregnancy test showed a positive, it was like some wires in my brain were immediately crossed and all of the healthy eating and exercise I'd spent the last 2 1/2 years working on went out the window.  Well not completely...but a lot of it.  At the time, I was still in the middle of a season of Jilly's Losers and I wasn't ready to tell my group, nor was I ready to give up and drop out.  So I kept weighing in and slowly saw a couple lbs more show up on the scale.  That was hard for me.  Being the leader of the group, I know based on past experience that when "I" am not doing well or am lacking motivation (and gaining weight)...others tend to follow suit.  It's hard to follow a leader who doesn't seem to be succeeding.  I know my group members will tell me I'm being silly and that it's not my fault if people have a bad week, but I am telling you...it doesn't help them.  I toughed out the rest of the season before deciding to tell them (a few weeks before telling the rest of the public world) that I was in fact pregnant.

As the next season began, I decided to sit it out.  I'm still running things, but I'm not eligible for any prizes and I'm not posting a public weight.  I had decided that having the group leader showing a slow gain of 15-30lbs over the next several months wasn't conducive to helping anyone else LOSE weight or become healthier.  Hopefully that was the right decision for my group, but for me...it's been my downfall.  Well...not downfall I guess.  It's not the end of the world.  I haven't regained 123lbs.  But as out of control as things have been, it certainly felt like the beginning of the end.  The problem with not having that weekly accountability is that I completely avoided the scale altogether.  I hear often that the scale shouldn't matter, etc etc...and yes, I KNOW that there is more to my health than the scale.  But for me and my mental health...stepping on the scale every week was a part of the equation that was keeping me in check.  I avoided it for a good month before finally deciding it was time to assess the damage.   And wow.

Before stepping on the scale, I had felt my will power go completely out the window.  Part of it was the "I'm pregnant, I can relax on my eating a bit and I should probably not spend 12 hours a week at the gym, right?" Well that was just silly because my midwife had okay'd me keeping up my exercise routine (minus anything high impact...darn, no jumping jacks) and obviously healthy eating is encouraged...especially during pregnancy.  But it was like something in my brain (and in my family's collective brain) decided it was party time wherever food was concerned. 90% of the time, I was nauseous and the thought of eating anything at all made me want to run to the bathroom.  But the 10% that I was feeling okay...I wasn't grabbing fruit and veggies and protein shakes. Nope.  I wanted sugar and fried cheesy goodness.  The thought of my hard boiled eggs or my green smoothies made me sick to my stomach.  So I used it as an excuse.  Sure, it's true that carbs (ie: saltines) were the only thing that even remotely settled my stomach...but I let that be the reason I ate wayyyyyyyyyy more than any person should.

So there was the cravings.  And then there was the emotional/stress eating.  I have always had problems with this.  Always.  But I'd gotten better at keeping it reigned in and not letting myself just say "screw it".  Well...after finding out I was pregnant, there were lots of emotions and stress thrown in all at once. Am I too old for this? Will the baby be healthy?  My youngest is 7 1/2, is this age gap going to be too big of a problem?  We have no baby stuff, what will we do?  How are we going to afford this? etc etc etc.  And food became my comfort.  Mostly sugar.

And then I stepped on that scale.  When I saw the number 224 beaming back at me it was like it was taunting me.  It was the very hard slap in the face that I needed.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I was about 210lbs.  The lowest I had gotten was 207, but I had had a few rough weeks already before finding out.  When I did find out, I had told myself I wouldn't let myself go over 230, because that is my 100lbs lost mark.  So when I saw 224, knowing I still have a LONG way to go...I panicked.  That was two weeks ago.

It has very much felt like starting all over again...even though it's not.  I realize that very soon here I'm going to have to switch to maternity clothes (as I gave away 90% of my bigger sizes already)...but when my cute size 16 jeans started becoming tight...I wanted to cry.  I am NOT going to repeat my first pregnancy.  I am NOT going to gain 90lbs because I don't feel worthy of something better.  I am NOT going to restart my entire journey all over again for this.  So I've gotten back into my workout routine as best I can.  That's the part I know should be a bit easier for me.  I never STOPPED working out, but I was lucky to hit Zumba twice a week.  This week will be better.  I'm already sore from a great HIIT workout on Saturday and this morning I'm off to lift weights with Dee.  Breakfast will go back to consisting of greek yogurt and muffins (or a little raisin bran maybe....I've been craving that 24/7 for some reason) and a protein shake or salad for lunch more often than not.  I will continue tracking my calories, but they will start including more fruits and veggies and less cupcakes and cookies.  I was 224 at my last visit to my midwife on June 9. By my 15 week visit on July 7, I'd like to be back below 220 if possible.

Now if only I could be okay with this growing out of my clothes thing.  Ugh.  Can I just say that after it taking 2 1/2 years go lose 3 cup sizes and 10 inches in my bust...I am NOT thrilled that they are growing again? Bras are NOT something I want to invest in again haha.  But I guess it is time to go find me a "Bellaband" or whatever those things are called that allow me to keep wearing my own jeans a little while longer. I'm not quite ready for the maternity switch.  I'm excited to be having a pregnancy where I'm healthy from the get go...but man, this is more of a mental game than it's ever been before.  So I need all the help I can get.  12 weeks down (as of tomorrow).  28 more to go.