I gotta say...this hormonal pregnancy stuff is NOT my favorite part of growing a little life inside of me. I'm pretty sure I hate it. Things have been a bit rough for a few weeks now, but today felt a bit like a breaking point. With actual tears and everything. But maybe that's a good thing.
I'm not even sure I can really find the right words for how I'm feeling, but I'm going to try...mostly because I need to get it all out for my own sanity. I know most people do/will roll their eyes when they realize I'm getting upset about my weight while I'm pregnant, and that's fine. Roll away. But if you had been on the journey I've been on and fought the mental and physical battles that I've fought with my weight and health...you'd understand why I feel the way I do.
I'm 25 weeks pregnant and to date, I've gained about 30-35lbs depending on which scale I use or what time of day it is. People say, "So what! You're pregnant! Enjoy it! You're allowed to gain weight and eat what you want. It will all come off quickly after the baby is born, etc." And honestly, that's what people SHOULD say...because the last thing any normal person wants to do is piss off a pregnant woman by telling her she's fat or that she's gained too much weight. So I get it. But at the same time, that response only enables me to do what I had sworn at the beginning of my pregnancy..that I wouldn't do! It's a tough balancing act.
To be fair, I do know that not all of those pounds gained are my fault. I AM growing another human being inside of me, and that little guy takes up quite a bit of room already. I also know, at least by the fit of my clothes and the way I look in the mirror/pictures, that I seem to be (for the most part anyway) gaining the weight in my belly and chest which is where it should be going. But 30-35lbs is normal for an entire pregnancy. And at this rate, it terrifies me to think of where I will be come the end of December.
Sure, I still work out regularly...modifying what I need to to keep myself and the baby safe. And no, I'm not eating out 3 meals a day and enjoying an entire sheet cake in bed while I watch tv at night. It's not gotten THAT extreme. But I'm finding that the will power and the drive that I had before just seems to be constantly eluding me. Maybe I'm just tired. I eat a healthy breakfast pretty much every day. Lunch too. But the second I become responsible for feeding anyone but myself, it's like I forget how to do it. I HATE cooking. I mean seriously hate it. If it takes me more than 10 minutes to prepare, I literally get angry at it lol (again, I'm sure the hormones aren't helping here). I just don't have the patience, the creativity, the know how...or the desire. By the time dinner comes around, I'm just exhausted and I just plain don't wanna. So my pregnancy becomes an excuse...and more often than not...I just don't do it. Now before I get accused of being a horrible mother...I still feed my kids!! haha. But we eat out more often than we should/can afford...or I throw a concoction in the crock pot...or they get spaghetti and garlic bread twice a week while I resort to a bowl of cereal.
BUT JILL! You're pregnant!!! Stop being so hard on yourself!
Yes, I know. And you can keep saying that to me, but it won't change my brain's chemistry or suddenly make any of this easier. My biggest fear from day 1 of this pregnancy was that once the baby comes, I will be back where I started with my weight (or close to it). The weight is coming on faster now that the baby is growing exponentially and it absolutely terrifies me. Even on the days when I feel like I've eaten healthy and exercised plenty...my body seems to hold onto the weight differently than it did before...like my weight gain has an unstoppable momentum.
I realize now that I'm rambling and all the thoughts/emotions inside are just spilling out in no particular order. I'm sorry for that. I just don't know what to do. One day I'll turn to Nathan and tell him that I'm just going to stop stressing over my weight gain because my midwife will tell me if it's an issue and I'm just going to enjoy this pregnancy. And then the next day I'll ride that mentality all the way to pizza hut, completely binge...and then wake up the next morning feeling guilty and realizing that I can't just "do whatever I want"...because while it might be more relaxing and enjoyable for the next 3 1/2 months...it will send me into a severe depression when January comes and I have 50+ pounds that I have to lose all over again.
I just wish I could find some sort of balance. That's all. I never realized that being pregnant after such a huge weight loss would have so many of its own struggles to come with it. But I guess it is just another lesson for me to learn. More experiences for me to struggle through and overcome. Maybe the balance should just be to have more good days than bad ones on any given week. Because I will go crazy (and drive my family crazy in the process) if I can't find some happy medium in this pregnancy.
Funny thing is...I feel like I've become more obsessed over my weight while pregnant than I ever was while losing it in the first place. Maybe that should tell me something.
Vent over.
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