The spiral to beat all spirals...

This blog entry is really hard for me to write, but that just means I need to do it that much more. I haven't been this embarrassed since I started losing weight to begin with and that's saying something. I've fallen "off the wagon" before, but nothing like this and never for this long. So I'm just gonna say it.

This morning, I saw 268 on the scale. Yes. 268. That's up 46 lbs since Halloween. FORTY-SIX. And at least 20 of that is just in the past month. What the hell happened?? I gave up. That's what happened. The holidays brought your typical treats and food binges, but then my husband lost his job and I let the stress get to me. My food addiction has been in full swing and in complete control for the past several months. I've had bad weeks before but this was unprecedented. I kept waiting for it to "pass", but I just sank deeper and deeper. I...did...not...care. I have seriously never cared less about what I put into my body. As a fitness instructor and nutrition coach who runs a weight loss group...it's horrifying for me to type that.

I'm sure some people are thinking that maybe there's something medically wrong going on in my body to gain so much weight so fast...but if you knew all the things I'd eaten over the past 4-5 months, you'd quickly change your mind. I did this to myself. And it breaks my heart. I've almost completely undone all the hard work I did last year and it makes me SO MAD.

But this isn't about the number on the scale, horrifying as it is. It's about how I feel. And I feel like CRAP.

-I no longer fit into most of my clothes
-Teaching my classes is 10 times harder and I know my students can tell
-I have very little energy to do things and am tired ALL the time
-I don't sleep well anymore
-Sitting in certain chairs has gotten difficult again
-I can't cross my legs the way I used to
-I only work out when I'm being paid to
-I'm lucky if I eat one or two fruits/veggies a week
-I no longer know how to help other people with their own struggles

Trying to run Jilly's Losers started to feel so hypocritical that I put the group on a mandatory break about a month ago. I had to. I couldn't do it anymore. How can I coach and inspire other people to become healthier when I had no desire to take care of ME?

I can't keep doing this to myself. Why can't I find a freaking balance between extremes? I don't do well in moderation. I can't control my sugar/food addiction any more than anyone can control any other addiction. AND IT PISSES ME OFF!!!!

But at least now I can say that some of my surrounding circumstances have changed. Maybe that will help pull me out of this seemingly bottomless pit. Nathan got a job and I quit mine. I will continue teaching Zumba, but I will no longer be working the front desk at the gym. This will allow me to be home for dinner most nights, which I think will make the biggest difference. The last thing I've wanted to do the past few months is cook myself dinner when I get home at 9pm. So it's been quick drive-thru options really late at night....several times a week. Not anymore. Not only has it been adding the lbs back on but it's been extremely hard on my wallet and that has to stop.

Noticing how much sugar we've been having around the house lately, my children have asked if we could all do a no sugar challenge until my birthday in June. I'm glad it was their idea because that's the only way I think I'd ever have agreed. I can do anything for my kids. I know...I should do it for me...but right now, this is all I've got. So starting today, it's all been tossed out. No more desserts. I'm not going to go as extreme as I did this time last year and beat myself up about carbs AND sugar at the same time...I'm just going to give up the sweets and go from there.

I'll add in more fruits and veggies and whole grains...and water. LOTS of water. No more soda for a while. I just need to go back to basics...and more importantly...to fueling my body so that it feels GOOD again. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling strong. I want that back. I don't care what the scale says as long as I FEEL good. So that's my goal. Pamper my body with foods that make it feel good...and get in a few workouts a week that I'm not being paid to do. I miss the workouts I was doing for ME. I love teaching so very much. It is my passion. But when I teach, it's for my students, its' not for me. And I miss that.

So it's back to day 1...again...for the millionth time. And I'd appreciate any support and encouragement I can get. And please...DO NOT BRING MY FAMILY TREATS ANYMORE! haha. It's time to re-learn how to tell myself...NO.