Here comes the exhale...

This entry is going to be the hardest one I've ever had to write, so please be gentle with your judgements and forgive my scattered thoughts. I'm sure I've said that before...but back then I didn't know how good I had it. I haven't written an entry since April. You could say I've been holding my breath this year. Trying to keep in all of the chaos and trauma and heartbreak and emotion. But it's the end of 2018 and it's finally time to exhale. So brace yourselves. And if you get through this whole entry, then thank you for listening. If not, that's okay too. Either way...as always...I write these for me. And it's time.

At the end of 2016, I was stressed out. My husband's job was being threatened and we were sure he'd lose it. But he didn't. And life went on. At the end of 2017, he DID lose his job and I was stressed out. 2 months later, he got his job back, but it came with a mandatory relocation. Across the country. And I was even more stressed out. Fast forward to now and I'd give anything to go back to just being "stressed out".

Now...this is a health and weight loss blog. So while this is MY blog and technically I can write about whatever I want, I will tell you right now that I'm not going to go into graphic detail about exactly why 2018 was the worst year of my life and the lives of my family. If we are good friends...you probably already know. And if you already know, you know that the "graphic details" should never and will never be aired on social media (if I can at all help it) as it's not solely my story to tell and frankly, as my friends and family keep reminding me...it's not really anyone's business. But 2018 had a profound effect on my health, both physically and mentally, and since writing is my favorite and most effective form of therapy (even my therapist agrees)...that's what I'm going to do.

One thing in 2018 that has had an effect on my health that I WILL tell you all about is the car accident I was in on May 19, 2018. I was rear ended on my way home from the dollar store a mile from my home. At the time, it didn't seem like it was all that bad. Yes, my rear lift-gate was damaged and needed thousands of $'s in repairs, but my airbag didn't go off and no one was severely injured. But within an hour, whiplash set in and I ended up in the ER twice within a week having every test possible run. Of course all that they found was "soft tissue damage" and I was told to ice it and take ibuprofen. That was in May. Now as the year closes out, I still deal with fairly frequent headaches and neck pain that only deep massage and a good snap from my chiropractor can help. I don't tell you all this to complain, but for someone who's life revolved around fitness this time a year ago, it has put a real damper on things. But still...this obstacle, for me, falls under my old definition of "stressed out". The one that really just seems silly now. But having that kind of almost daily discomfort/sometimes pain seems to exacerbate things, so it plays its part.

2018 ripped my life out from underneath me. "New year, new me" is a cliche phrase that we hear every January 1. I'm sure I've even used it in a blog entry at some point. But this year it holds all new meaning.

I am going into 2019 as a newly single, full-time mother of 4. Well...3 and a missionary currently serving in Durban, South Africa.

I am going into 2019 living with my (incredibly selfless) parents in Florida. If you know me, I HATE humidity and this was never in my plans.

I am going into 2019 without the job that I loved and at one time was passionate about.

I am going into 2019 with newly acquired depression and anxiety that push me to my limits on an almost daily basis.

I am going into 2019 without the amazing support system that I had back in UT, though they all do their best to keep in touch via chat/text...and I am struggling to open up enough to try and build relationships like that here.

I am going into 2019 extremely vulnerable and terrified of putting my full trust in anyone.

I am going into 2019 weighing over 290lbs...and at a point where my poor health didn't even rank in the top 5 on this list. This one has been very hard on me considering it wasn't much more than a year ago that I had lost more than 100lbs and was feeling the best I'd felt in my life.

I don't even recognize myself anymore. A year ago, life was amazing. I was happy. I truly had everything I wanted. My family, my job, my friends, my church, my health, my dreams...I was a bit spoiled! In an instant, it was all taken away. 2018 truly broke me. I am not the same Jill I was.

In that instant, it was like everything health related that I had spent the last 7 years of my life learning and building and working towards was forgotten. Lost. Unimportant. Food was once again my best friend. Exercise was an inconvenience. I mean, who wants to drive 25 mins to get to the gym where they don't know anyone? Well, I'm sure some people do, but I miss my workout buddies something fierce. My priorities no longer had any room for ME. For my health.

They say you can only focus your attention and will power on so many things at a time and that has proven so very true this year. But surprisingly (not), the heavier and more out of shape I've gotten since the end of May...the harder it's been to manage all of those things that ARE on my priorities list. Go figure huh? Who knew. *raises hand*. And yet...despite KNOWING that...it didn't matter. The effort that I know it takes for my body to shed weight and be strong and healthy...was no longer worth it to me.

Are ya still reading or have I depressed you enough to quit yet? But seriously...who is this person! This is not me! I'm usually miss optimistic. This is not the me that I worked so hard to bring out! It's not fair! I know change is supposed to help us grow and adversity make us stronger but THIS IS NOT FAIR! This trial can be over now...please and thank you. Because I don't know how much more I can take.

But if I've learned anything this year...it's that I am incredibly strong. Even when I really, REALLY don't want to be. My lock screen on my phone has said "I can do hard things" for almost 7 months now and it won't change anytime soon. Because I need that daily reminder. I can do hard things. And that includes finding a way to take what I've been given and using it as the first step on this all new path I've been set on. I can't control the things that have happened/were done to myself or to my family, but I can control how I let it determine the rest of my life. And while I know 2019 will still have many days where the fetal position is the only appealing course of action...it is going to be better than 2018. It has to be.

So to add to my list above:

I am going into 2019 with new opportunities and possibilities for the future.

I am going into 2019 as a certified Personal Trainer/Group Fitness instructor/Licensed Zumba/Pound Instructor.

I am going into 2019 as a BYU undergrad on track to (finally) finish her Bachelor's degree in Psychology.

I am going into 2019 with the most amazing and resilient children you will ever meet (I'm a tad biased, but it's true nonetheless) and I'm going to watch them overcome their own nightmares to do amazing things with their lives.

I am going into 2019 with great friends. Both old, new, and those still to come.

I am going into 2019 with 2 parents and 3 sisters who love me unconditionally despite my current state...and who have taken my kids and I in and helped us to find a new life here in good old FL.

I am going into 2019 with an understanding that I will probably never be back at a weight that appeals to the general public...and that's okay.

I am going into 2019 with the same food addiction issues I've struggled with my whole life, but with a desire to continue fighting against them. I'm not ready to give up.

I am going into 2019 with 2018 in my rear view mirror as much as possible. I know that 2018 will be a year that bleeds into every other year going forward, but it will not define me or my children.

*inhales*

*exhales*

Let's do this.