"Shaking in my sneakers..."

Tomorrow is a really big day for me.  After an 8 hour Zumba class/instruction/breakdown of all the moves involved, I will officially be certified to TEACH Zumba!  I still can't believe it, honestly.  Never in my life did I aspire to exercise for a living.  But here I am extremely excited about it.  Oh and terrified.  Seriously terrified.

I've told my family and a couple of my friends that my biggest worry about tomorrow is that I will walk into Lifetime Fitness tomorrow morning and be "the fat girl"...that I will find myself surrounded by 110lb petite, athletic, gorgeous women (and maybe some hot guys?  I dunno if guys teach zumba, why not!  The founder does!) all dressed in their cutest workout gear.  And then that when we're all doing a one hour Master class together, I'll be the only one unable to keep up with all their unlimited energy.  Yes, I realize that is a HUGE assumption and exaggeration haha.  But my irrational mind is worried about exactly those things!

My friends and family know what I've been through.  They know that I've lost over 110lbs.  They know that I work out 5-6 days a week, sometimes multiple times a day.  They know that I am healthy and happy and every day getting closer to my goals.  But the Zumba people won't know that.  They'll see a girl walk in who still weighs well over 200lbs, is wearing compression gear for function instead of cute and colorful athletic gear that shows off every curve..and is most likely going to smack herself in the face with her own boobs when the jumping gets going lol.  Some of them will probably have the first thought of, "Hey, good for her!" and some will probably think, "What the hell is that fat chick doing here?"  And all of these things terrify me. It probably isn't helping me to know that the woman teaching the certification class is none other than Lindsey Taylor who is huge in the Zumba world and has even been in a music video with the founder himself. This girl is absolutely gorgeous and extremely fit and talented.  So while I'm SO excited to meet and learn from her (I've seen a zumba workout dvd that she did the teaching on and loved her!)...I'm also very intimidated.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm being silly and that it will be fine...and I know they're right.  But I also know that I'll still be terrified until that first song starts and it's time to work.

The bottom line is this:  I am ready.  I am still 50-60lbs overweight.  I have a lot of excess skin that actually hurts when I jump a lot or shake my hips really fast.  It will be a while before I'm ready to teach any advanced Zumba classes with all the high speed, jumpy/bouncy routines instead of the beginner/Zumba Gold classes.  But I am READY.  I workout 5-6 days a week.  I do strength training 1-2 times a week.  As my mother keeps insisting (and I keep denying) I am the most "Fit" and "healthiest" person in my family (Though I fully expect Heidi to catch up quickly and kick my butt once she's back to exercising!).  I am GOOD at Zumba.  Music and rhythm is in my DNA and while I've got some seriously bad white girl moves, I know how to give someone a good workout and keep the beat while doing it.  I'm ready.  I'm as ready as I will ever be.  And I've had the most amazing mentor to make sure that I'm exactly that. I've been practicing at the gym, I've been practicing in my basement, I've been practicing while doing the laundry!  I hear music and I immediately start thinking about how a routine might play out to the specific beat.  Is it too fast?  Too slow?  Too complicated?  I've only been taking this class for a year, but I'm ready.

I'm ready...and I'm going to rock this!  I hope :)  Now let's just hope I can actually sleep tonight so that I have the energy to show them what I can do...and to show them that I deserve to be a certified Zumba Instructor :)

New Year, Same Me!

2013 was a great year. It feels really good to say that.  It's been a while since I closed out a year and genuinely felt like I accomplished something in my life and didn't just survive another 365 days.  It was truly a GREAT year.

A good friend of mine (Hi Tristan!) posted something online yesterday like "Let the bs about 'new year, new me' commence" and I didn't tell him this at the time, but it got me thinking.  New year?  Yes, obviously.  But new me?  I kinda like the me I got!  I don't think a new year should make people feel like who they currently are isn't good enough and that they have to become "new" people.  That's not to say we can't improve upon the person we are.  Everyone has areas in which they can improve.  Be more kind.  Be more giving.  Be more FORgiving.  Be more selfless.  The list is endless and there is always something we can do to make this year better than the last one.  But I think the way to do that involves something I learned at the Biggest Loser Resort in Chicago this past September. You have to set ATTAINABLE goals.

We have all heard the cliche New Years resolutions that more often than not..get left by the wayside after a week (or less).  Lose weight.  Go to the gym 7 days a week.  Stop smoking/drinking.  Make xxx amount of money.  <Insert any level of reach for the stars goal here>.  And sure, reaching for the stars is great...but it can also be very overwhelming.  What we learned at BLRC is to take smaller steps towards our "end goals" rather than trying to see the big picture all the time.  If you want to lose 100 lbs, start with 10.  If you want to go to the gym 7 days a week, start with 2-3.  If you want to eat healthier every single day, start by making little changes to your diet instead of trying to completely overhaul it.  Smaller goals are much easier to achieve.  AND...they add up to a lot!

I've decided to write down some of the things I achieved in 2013 followed by a list of some of the things I really would like to/and think I CAN achieve in 2014.  I'm pretty sure I won't make a million dollars, though a girl can dream right?

In 2013, I (in no particular order):

*Flew on an airplane and was able to both buckle my seatbelt AND put both arm rests down!
*Took a pole dancing class with my sisters
*Went to my baby sisters wedding and actually DANCED instead of hiding in a corner somewhere
*Wore my first pair of high heels in over a decade
*Got my first ever pair of high heeled boots..and they zip over my calves!
*Played a full 18 holes of golf and didn't completely suck
*Lost 40lbs
*Hit 100lbs total lost
*Sucked it up and took my very first group fitness class...Zumba! (and fell completely in love)
*Took my first spinning class
*Shopped on the OTHER side of "Dress Barn"
*Fit into size 16 jeans! (I started in 28-30)
*Fit into my high school volleyball t-shirt and windbreaker outfits
*Started to see myself as "pretty"
*Lost almost 20 inches off my body!
*Met Jackson Carter from Biggest Loser season 14!
*Won a trip to the Biggest Loser Resort in Chicago
*Got to meet my idols, Hannah Curlee and Olivia Ward AND workout with them!
*Did a box jump without killing myself
*Chopped off my hair and went blonde(ish) to go with my new wardrobe!
*Celebrated 2 years of running "Jilly's Losers" and helping myself and others get healthier!
*Ran a mile without stopping.  Slowly...but still.
*Bought our first house.  It's not directly fitness related, but it's made me healthier emotionally! And it's great!
*Met and spent a week working out alongside one of my very best friends, Amy Linton, at BLRC
*Bought my first fancy dress since my wedding and felt sexy in it!
*Celebrated wearing my BodyMedia Armband for 2+ years and then switched to Fitbit!
*Took my kids to the park and actually played with them instead of sitting to watch
*Went 3 full months without a binge
*Moved lower than my hubby on the scale for the first time EVER!
*Went to a birthday party and had NO cake (I deserve a reward for that, seriously)
*Hiked a trail I hadn't hiked since I was a teenager...and loved it
*Drove a race car at Boondocks because my butt fit in it and I COULD!
*Ran my 2nd annual Pioneer Day race with my great friend Shawna!
*Started attending church again on a semi-regular basis.  Again..emotional health :)
*Got a personal trainer..who has become one of my dearest friends and has changed my life
*Heard my sweet Grandma tell me how proud she was of all my hard work before she passed away this Oct.
*Started playing volleyball again
*Started studying to become a group fitness instructor :)
*Counted my calories almost every single day
*Gave up soda
*Became a HAPPIER ME!

(I could list so many more, but I'm sure most of you already quit reading so let's move on haha)

In 2014, I would like to:

*Become officially certified as a group fitness and zumba instructor (zumba happens in 2 days! AHH!)
*Get a JOB!  My first in 14 years.
*Blog more often.  I'd say "every day", but we just talked about setting realistic goals...and that is not at all.
*Go skiing for the first time in 15 years
*Ride a horse for the first time in over a decade
*See a 1 at the front of my weight!!
*Hike with my family up to Timp Cave so my kids can see what I did as a teenager!
*Get into size 12-14 jeans
*Have more good eating days than bad every single week (this will be a tough one haha)
*Be able to do MAN pushups!
*Learn more healthy meals to cook for my family
*Get my family to be more active with me
*Get serious about writing a book (I keep starting and then getting stuck!)
*Finally move out of the "obese" category with my BMI (Body Mass Index)
*Help more people on their own journey to health and weight loss
*Try every fitness class at my gym at least once
*Play volleyball on a more regular basis (I got asked to join a league! YAY!)
*Work on my shyness and anxiety in social situations. I'm sure teaching will help that!
*Have regular date nights with my husband. They're great for my mental/emotional health!
*Buy a bike and use it on the trail by our house
*Golf more often than just when my parents visit! Then maybe I can beat them someday.
*Start saving money for the skin removal surgery I know I'll need (and want) someday
*Be able to hold a plank for 2 minutes
*Get rid of my plantar fasciitis so I can get back to "attempting" to run! Ugh!
*Remember how hard I have worked and how far I have come
*Continue loving life and living it every day instead of just being on the sidelines! :)

I know this is going to be another great year and I can't wait to see what it holds.  What are your goals?

BodyMedia Core Armband vs. Fitbit Force...

So as I already squealed about last week...I finally got my early Christmas present to myself...a Fitbit Force. I was so excited to be able to try it out and see what it's like to use another means of tracking my progress. I've been wearing my BodyMedia armband for over 2 years now (upgrading once in there somewhere) and it has become a regular part of my wardrobe.  Apart from a several month period where I thought I didn't need it anymore, I have worn it 23/7 since I got it in September of 2011.  I have a very visible dent and tan line on my left arm that I honestly expect to have for the rest of my life!

I had heard of Fitbit and I had never had the desire to wear one as I knew it wouldn't be as accurate and I thought having something on my wrist would drive me nuts.  I had originally planned to upgrade to the BodyMedia Core 2, which was "supposed" to come out summer of 2013.  However, they kept pushing the release date back and back...rumor has it...because of a company buy-out.  Here we are in December and there is still no word of when it's coming out.  I was excited about it because it was going to be waterproof.  Not just splash proof like the fitbits are, but you could actually SWIM with it.  That would be amazing!  They were also going to have these fashion bands for them so that you looked a bit "cuter" wearing one.  But mostly I was just excited for waterproof.  So as time went by I started to get impatient.  I wanted to upgrade to something...now.  Enter the announcement for the Fitbit Force.

The Force is slightly bigger than the Flex (which a lot of my friends have), but that's because it has a display screen that actually shows your progress in numbers!  The Flex uses dots to show how close you are to your main goal, but the Force can show the time, my steps, my calories, my active minutes, my distance walked, my flights climbed...AND it tracks my sleep for me.  So basically, it tracks everything that my armband does and then a little bit more.  I was pretty excited.  Add onto all of that that I can wear it on my wrist and I was hooked.  The problem, however, is that I knew before ever putting it on that it would not be as accurate as my armband.

The BodyMedia armband has sensors that actually press against your skin and make thousands of calculations a second regarding body temp, movement and a bajillion other things all scientific like.  It's VERY accurate.  99% I think.  The Force is worn around the wrist and is thus bounced around a bit and not held to the skin.  There are no skin sensors.  It is almost completely based off of your own body movements. This alone tells you it won't be nearly as accurate. The question was...how big would the difference be.  Would it be worth it?

So for 5 days I wore both.  I wore my armband AND my Force.  I must admit I felt a bit silly and my arm felt rather decorated, but no one cared.  Here's what I found.

12/7

Armband 300 calories higher and 100 steps higher

(Workout - Zumba)

12/8

Armband 100 calories higher and 1500 steps higher

(used arc trainer, doesn't count steps as accurately)

12/9

Armband 400 calories higher and 700 steps higher

(Workout - weightlifting, Zumba and bosu boot camp)

12/10

Armband 350 cals higher and 400 steps higher

(Workout - Zumba)

12/11

fitbit 100 cals higher, 200 steps higher

(resting day, walked slowly around house for an hour while making calls)

I found it really odd that the only day the Force won out on numbers was on my rest day.  This showed me that my workouts are really not being tracked as accurately as I'd like.  For things like weight lifting, yoga and pilates where there are not steps involved in the workout...I manually add them to my activities log so that things are as accurate as possible, but the Force still falls a bit behind.

I'm still able to link it to Myfitnesspal.com so it tracks my food and breaks down the nutritional content for me, which is great.  I also like how it tracks my sleep.  I have to view it on my app or my computer, but it tells me how many times I woke up and how many times I was restless.  It seems a bit more accurate in that department than the armband..probably because it's further down my arm where it's moved more if I'm rolling around.

I also LOVE that it automatically syncs to my phone and my computer.  The BodyMedia armband had to be plugged into my computer for me to see ANYTHING as far as progress goes and it also had to be charged every other day or so.  The Force can hold a charge for a week.  It's so nice to not have to hop on the computer to deal with it anymore.  Most of what I need to see is right on my wrist.  As I'm typing this I can push a button on my wrist and see that I've burned 1940 cals, taken 10,359 steps and already walked almost 5 miles just today!  Having all of this so accessible definitely pushes me harder to take those extra steps or climb another flight or two of stairs.  

All in all, I much prefer the Force.  I have it in my head now that I'm basically burning about 300 more calories than it tells me I am, but other than that...the benefits far outweigh the inaccuracy.  Having information right at your fingertips can make all the difference and I love it.  I felt a bit of sadness taking off my armband (and giving it to Nathan!) but I'm excited to see how things go from here. 

And to see if my arm gets its normal shape back ;-)

DISCLAIMER:  All information in this post is purely my own honest personal opinion.  I was not contacted by BodyMedia or Fitbit about this review.

UPDATE: (4/3/14)  The Fitbit Force, from what I understand has been taken off the market due to a small % of people having skin irritation.  I chose to keep mine, rather than return it.  It's never irritated my skin (and I do NOT wear it in the shower or pool) and I still absolutely LOVE it.  I'm just sorry other people can't buy it now!  Hopefully it will be fixed and back on the market soon :)

From weight loss path to career path...

Wow, I am a ball of nervous energy right now.  My life feels like it has finally begun and I'm 34 years old!!  After a chat with my mom, who along with my dad are the two most supportive and loving parents anyone could ask for (And I was not bribed into saying that haha) we got me signed up for a Zumba certification class in January.  And then today...I started on the road to having an AFAA (Aerobics and Fitness Association of America) certification in Group Fitness.  This is really happening.  It's not just a dream anymore. I'm actually going to do it!!

2 1/2 years ago, I was 330+ lbs.  330!!  And I was there for a very very long time.  If someone had told me that one day I'd be preparing myself to teach fitness classes and to help other people lose weight, I would have laughed in their face...a lot.  2 1/2 years ago, I fought exercise like my life depended on it.  I could come up with a million and one excuses why it could wait until "tomorrow".  "Eating healthy" wasn't even on my radar.  Now as I sit here writing this, I've done 4 workouts in the past 24 hours.  Some of my gym friends tell me I'm crazy, but I take it as a compliment!

I still have 50 lbs to lose, but I decided I don't want to wait.  I used to be terrified of taking a fitness class. I didn't want to be the fat jiggly girl flapping around the room while everyone laughed.  I told myself that when I hit 250 lbs, I would get up the guts to take a class.  So I waited...and waited....and I watched the scale go up and down up and down, always staying clear of the 250 mark.  And then a friend told me, "Stop waiting and just do it...or you'll never get there."  And they were right.  Subconsciously, I was avoiding hitting 250 because I was so unbelievably terrified of doing it.  So I did it.  I "sucked it up, buttercup" and took my very first zumba class.  Growing up in a musical family, with a mother who herself taught aerobics classes, I felt like I picked it up fairly quickly and I immediately fell in love.  One zumba gold class became 3 a week.  3 a week then became 3 and a regular zumba class on the weekend.  Then I added yoga.  Then I added an occasional step class...and bosu boot camp...and 6am water aerobics!!  See?  Crazy.  And now that wonderful zumba teacher who took me in for my very first class...is now my personal trainer who I see 5 days a week whether in her own home or for a weight lifting session at the gym or for a fitness class.  Taking that one class...meeting this one person...has changed my entire life.  I know if I wait to get certified until I'm at my goal weight, I will never get there.  The time is NOW!

So now for the first time in my life, I am preparing for an actual career.  Not just a job that helped pay the bills, but a real career that I will LOVE and be beyond passionate about doing.  And it scares the crap out of me.

There's not much to do in preparation for the zumba certification.  The workshop and testing is a 9 hour affair and hopefully I walk away certified to teach it.  The real preparation will come in choosing and preparing music, making up my own choreography (and memorizing it!) and then finally finding a place to actually teach.  Talk about overwhelming.

But the really tough part in all this will be the AFAA stuff.  In order to teach at the gym I attend (and most likely most other gyms), I need to have a certification to teach group fitness.  This is a lot more involved.  Today I started a pre-requisite course for newbies  that will help prepare me for the real test.  Then once I'm sent all my study materials, I will spend the next 1-3 months studying everything from anatomy and injury prevention to teaching methods and strength training....and on top of all that I'll have to become CPR/AED certified.  Before the test, I'll attend a workshop where I put everything I've studied into practice.  If I haven't learned to get over any shyness by then, I'm sure that will do the trick!  Then when I'm ready, I take (what I think is) a 2 day test..one written and then a practical exam.  I've been told that learning all the science behind it is rather involved and overwhelming, but after being out of school for more than a decade, I have to say I'm excited to get studying again!

I realize that this won't actually become an official career until I get a job and am actually doing what I'm studying to do, but the fact that I'm even on the road to doing so just brings me to very happy tears.  I can't thank my family and my friends enough for their help in getting me here.  I feel very lucky and so so blessed to have that kind of unconditional love and support in my life.  Without it, I know I'd still be that same person I was 2 1/2 years ago both on the inside and the outside.  And life is so much better the way it is now!

BREAKTIME! WOOHooo...??

I've been running Jilly's Losers for more than 2 years now and while I absolutely LOVE doing so, it can get really exhausting.  Weekly weigh-ins, planning challenges, tracking everyone's weight loss and body measurements and all sorts of other numbers....whew, I'm tired just typing it.  It has truly become my "job" and I love it.  I've never been so passionate about anything in my life (aside from my family obviously) and it feels so good to have something like that taking up my time.

But now season 8 is over and I GET A BREAK!!  A two week one at that!!  It's both a great thing and a horrible thing all at the same time.  With Thanksgiving coming up next week, I had to decide if I should start up season 9 right away and make everyone try to be good over the holiday...or if I should wait until the Tuesday afterward.  Normally the plan is to keep going over Thanksgiving and use the weigh-ins as motivation for everyone to go easy on the turkey, potatoes and pie!  But what usually ends up happening is we all have a gain anyway and then we just feel depressed when we have to get on the scale haha.  And since Thanksgiving is traditionally only one day of eating too much, it's usually pretty easy to get whatever is gained right back off.

Christmas time is a whole other story.  Most people tend to see the whole month of December as a free for all with parties every week and plates of goodies passed around...not to mention all the chocolate filling our stockings!! (and our kids stockings...AHEM).  The December holiday period is MUCH harder to navigate on our own so that's when I decided to really focus the next season for my group.

But in the meantime...I have this 2 week break that I have to worry about.  My brain is excited because I don't have to plan any challenges or stress over the day to day of things.  My body excited because I can ease up a tad on the strict diet I'd imposed on myself for the past 4 weeks.  (We'll just say that I had a massive food hangover today from the amount of indulging I did yesterday.)  My body is also excited because while I LOVE working out 6 days a week for 2-3 hours a day...I don't feel like I HAVE to.  I have a serious addiction to it though, so I probably will anyway, but I like having the option haha.  This 4 week season lost me 11.2 lbs and I feel AMAZING...but I also feel very drained.  Physically.  Emotionally. Mentally.  Just drained.  This will be a nice way to re-energize for the couples season that starts on Dec. 3!!

But taking a break that lasts a whole 2 weeks honestly scares the crap out of me.  One thing I have most definitely learned over the last 2-3 years is that if I'm not being held accountable to someone, somewhere...I have a VERY hard time staying on track and I slide right off pretty quickly.  I've been wearing my BodyMedia armband for as long as I've been running Jilly's Losers.  After about a year of wearing it and losing weight, I decided I didn't need it anymore.  I could do it on my own.  I didn't need to track my calorie burn or what I ate.  Nope!  I was a pro!  HAHAHA.  After plateauing for more months than I can remember, I put it back on.  Have worn it every day since.  My arm is dented and it's a permanent accessory on my body but it keeps me in line.

That's what weekly weigh-ins with this group do for me.  They keep me in line and smack me upside the head when I mess up.  I'm terrified that if I don't have that accountability looming over me, I'm going to eat my way through every food group (you know...the important ones like chocolate, chips, french fries and CHEESE!) until I've regained all the weight I spent the last 4 weeks losing and probably more.  And believe me, it's totally possible.  I've done it before!

But if I remember correctly, I recently posted that I would really love to be in One-derland by New Years. And frankly, if I'm going to be able to do that...I can't afford a backslide right now.  So I'm especially grateful this Thanksgiving season for the wonderful friends and family in my life who have pushed me and inspired me and sometimes drug me by the hair through the hard times...because I know they'll get me through these 2 weeks and far beyond.  I am truly blessed.

Frustrated with success...

That sounds so stupid now that I've written out the words.  It really does.

Today I finally broke the 220's.  I have been stuck there for months and today I finally weighed in at 218.6, which is a huge deal for me.  So why am I not jumping for joy and being happy about that?

I've lost 112 lbs to date, and that's great.  But it's also been a VERY slow process.  That's healthier, right? But still, this hasn't been an overnight thing for me.  I have had lots of plateaus and I've lost the same 10 lbs over and over at different points in my journey.  In any given week, I usually have more good days than bad when it comes to my eating, but I can rarely go more than a few days without either going out to eat or indulging on something that's on the less healthy side.  And despite that, I've always managed to lose a pound or two and press forward.  So why am I throwing a fit now?

I'll tell you!!!

3 weeks ago, I started a 4 week mini season in Jilly's Losers.  Winner take all, hardcore, kick your butt every day kind of season.  I have never won a single season of Jilly's Losers and that's okay because it's never been about the money.  But this time I really wanted to win it!  Mostly because that would mean that I was able to really buckle down and tough things out and do well for more than a handful of days at a time.  So I told myself that it was just 4 weeks and I wasn't going to go out to eat and I wasn't going to have a weekly cheat day where I go nuts.  I was just going to go balls to the wall and give it my all for those 4 weeks.

And I have.

There was one bad day in the last 3 weeks where I was stressed over something and may have eaten half a bag of Wavy Lays and a slice or two of cake. But that was it.  Other than that one wobble, I have been very near perfect with my eating.  I haven't eaten out.  I've made sure to eat a good healthy breakfast and then eat something every 3-4 hours (always a protein with a carb!!).  I've not eaten after 8 or 8:30pm.  I've not given in to late night cravings.  I've been drinking 100oz of water a day.  I've kept to my workout schedule, usualling logging at LEAST 8 hours a week in the gym or with my trainer.  I've gotten my 8 hours of sleep.  Life has been incredibly good.  My husband and kids have been VERY supportive and helpful and I made it through Halloween without eating a single snickers or reese's pb cup.  I may have snuck a few tootsie rolls, but that's not nearly the same!!  These past 3 weeks have very literally been the best I have had since I started this journey.

With all of that, I was sure I'd lose insane amounts of weight.  And the first week I did.  I lost 4.8 lbs.  That's INCREDIBLY good for me.  I think the most I've ever lost in a week is 5 something.  I was really excited. And then several people in my group started posting losses of 8-12lbs!!  I was SOOOO happy for them!  It's so incredible to watch people start their journeys and to see that it's working.  I can't describe the beaming pride I feel watching people change in my group.  But I'd also be lying if I said that I wasn't totally jealous! haha.  I've never seen numbers like that.  Not even when I first started.  But I kept going and made it through week 2.

Week 2 I lost 3.4lbs.  Another great loss for me.  2 great weeks in a row is really rare for me and I was so proud of myself.  And then again everyone else posted these huge inspirational numbers!  And I watched as my name slowly dipped down the list.  But again I told myself it wasn't over yet and I wasn't going to give up.

Week 3 was a bit tougher workout wise because my trainer/zumba instructor was out of town on vacation which threw me off a bit.  I still got in 8 hours at the gym though, which I'm pretty proud of!  My eating was still pretty near perfect though.  No wobbles.  So when I weighed in today I expected another 3-5lb week.  I had EARNED a 3-5lb week!  My face completely dropped when I saw I was only down 1.4.  I'm pretty sure I swore at my scale.  I checked it 4 or 10 times and the number wouldn't change.  1.4lbs in 7 days is pretty damn awesome and if anyone in my group lost that much and was upset about it I'd be telling them to celebrate their successes!!!  And yet here I was about to throw my scale out the window.

I was really mad.  I just could not understand how I could be working so hard and doing so well and the scale still won't do what I want it to.  Everyone else was having 2-5lb losses and here I was sliding even further down the totem pole.  UGH!

For about 30 seconds I was saying eff it.  I'm done.  I'm not going to win this so why even bother trying.  I'm going to McDonald's for a Big Mac (which by the way would make me physically ill now if I tried to eat one).  And then I took a breath and remembered WHY I created Jilly's Losers in the first place.  It's not about the number on the scale...and my number is 112 lower than it was when I started!  It's definitely not about the money, though nobody hates that part I'm sure haha. It's about changing peoples lives.  It's about changing MY life.  It's about becoming the best version of ourselves and being HAPPY with who we are.  It's about being healthier and living our lives to the fullest.

So I shrugged off the McDonald's talk and made myself a wrap and some baby carrots for lunch and chugged down my Vitamin Zero...and I felt better. Because even if after this last week of competition...I don't end up the winner?  I'll be able to say that I was successful.  I'll be able to celebrate a great month of weight loss that was a result of great decisions...and I will know that I did my very best.  And THAT is all that matters.

Snap back to reality....

....oh, there goes gravity..  Oops sorry, was channeling Eminem for a second there. But seriously.  Reality.  Ugh.

I've been back from BLR Chicago for about 5 weeks now and it's been really tough.  I did really well my first few days home and then it was like all my cravings kicked in at once and I couldn't eat clean for more than a day at a time!  Talk about frustrating.  The tough workout schedule pretty much stuck with me though and I've been really proud of how hard I've been working.

Right before I left for Chicago, I started getting some personal training from Dee (my zumba instructor) and ended up deciding to stick with that after I got home.  She's amazing.  She's really helped me to strengthen my core and to tone up my body quite a lot over the past month.  On Mondays we lift together at the gym, rotating back/biceps with chest/triceps...and then (usually) on Fridays I go to her house and she spends an hour kicking my butt with all the pilates equipment she has.  I had no idea how hard pilates was.  But the great thing is being able to see the difference in how I do things now vs. the first time I went there.  It's such a great non-scale way of measuring things and I really needed that.

I had hit my 100lbs lost mark when my mom was visiting this summer.  I spent the next few months after that bouncing back and forth between 100 and 104 or so.  Talk about frustrating.  I ran a season of Jilly's Losers in that time and when we did our final weigh out, I'd lost like half a pound.  The only thing that kept me from wanting to just give up was knowing that I had also been gaining muscle.  I can feel it and it's GREAT!

However great the muscle buildup might be though I knew I had to get the scale moving again.  My last plateau lasted almost a year and I was NOT gonna have a repeat of that. So I started up a mini-season of Jilly's Losers. 4 weeks, hardcore, no excuses, winner takes all.  We're talking a decent chunk of change people.  Now...in the 2+ years that I've been running this group, I have never won a single season.  Sure, I've lost the most weight over time, but I've never actually WON.  I've come close...but I want to win!!  And for the first time I really feel the drive to do so.  I'm more determined than I think I've ever been.

So I sat my husband and kids down and told them I needed their help.  They have permission to stop me if they see me reaching for something unhealthy haha.  I also explained to them that we won't be eating out for a month but then we can go celebrate if we all do a good job.  The great thing about this too is that they've been eating more healthy with me!  Having their support has made this SOOO much easier.  This first week of the mini-season I really buckled down.  My workouts were the same as usual, but my eating was near perfect.  And today it paid off on the scale.  4.8 lbs.  I'm down to 223.4 which is the lowest I've been since starting this journey.  107lbs lost now!  I am SO excited to see my hard work paying off again.  It helps me to want to stick with it.  I REALLY want to get out of the 220's.

This won't be an easy season though.  I've got some serious competition!  I have to say it's great to see the motivation coming back in my group.  It was a tough summer for a lot of people and seeing them get fired up again makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I really miss being in Chicago and having my meals planned/made for me, but it's nice to see that I do in fact have the ability to control myself at home when I really put my mind to it.  Now to just keep it up.  Hmm...I wonder if I can break 200 by New Years?