It's January 1st and everyone is making their typical New Years resolutions, or even resolutions for a whole new decade. I've decided to try something different this year. Yesterday, I was reading an essay on "Habits" for a History of Psychology class I'm taking and while I initially dreaded reading 24 pages on the subject, I found it rather interesting. It talked a lot about the science behind the formation of a habit, comparing it to water cutting a course out of a new terrain and then finding it easier to follow that exact same path the second time.
If you think about it, everything we do in our daily lives is the result of habit formation, most of which were formed when we were kids. Walking, eating, getting dressed...all of these things have becomed so ingrained in our subconscious that we don't even really have to think about it to do it anymore. And while most of us probably couldn't say off the top of our heads which order we wash our bodies in in the shower or which pant leg or shoe we put on first...it's almost guaranteed that we do it the same every time. Out of habit.
Now, while it's obviously much harder to form a new habit as a fully formed adult, it's not impossible. And I've decided that instead of making resolutions this year...I want to create some new habits. This essay, by William James, stated that it's crucial not to "slip up" in the early stages of habit formation as doing so can make it harder to ever start over again and make it to completion. He says that it's better to suffer acutely for a little while in the beginning in order to be "free" later on. Perfect example of that for me would be any and every time I've tried to completely cut sugar out of my life. The second I slipped up, those old habits came back like it was yesterday. I don't do well with extreme changes or deprivation, so this year I'm trying to see it and even word it...differently.
Here are a few things that I am going to strive to make a habit in 2020. This doesn't mean they will be done to perfection forever, but I know that it's crucial to have a strong start for at LEAST a few weeks. James' said one way to help form a habit is to make a public declaration...so here we go:
1) Personal prayer and 10+ minutes of scripture study daily.
2) Making my bed and straightening my room daily.
3) Drink 100 ounces of water daily before allowing myself any other sort of beverage.
4) Eat at least 1 fruit and 1 vegetable a day.
This is a short list, but I know better than to overwhelm myself before I've even begun, especially since I'm already trying not to feel overwhelmed with the whole work/school/single mom combination. Firstly, I've learned over the past year that when I'm more invested and involved in my relationship with my Heavenly Father...I'm happier. I'm lighter. So I want to really try and make that a habit instead of a "when I remember to" kind of thing. I've also learned that when I start my day off with a made bed, my stress levels are way lower. Go figure! As far as eating...I'm not going to put any deprivations on my list like "no sugar" or "no carbs" or "no soda", but instead focus on these habits of things that I WILL do and see how they affect everything else first. The thing that will help the most with some of these is that my parents and I have agreed to focus on healthier eating together. Having 3 adults living in the same house (plus 2 teenagers and a 5 year old) makes it hard sometimes to keep the junk out of the house, but we're going to try. We know that for all 3 of us...if something is in the house, we're going to eat it. So if we just don't allow things like soda, chips, sweets to be in the fridge/pantry then that's a start. The kids aren't thrilled, but they could do with a few less cans of soda too these days haha.
Goals aside, I'm excited for a new year and a new decade. Life is finally starting to look up and we're no longer hyper-focused on the trauma of the past year and a half. Our new normal is finally starting to feel that way...normal. So bring on 2020 and all that comes with it. Happy New Year everyone!
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
The monotony and extreme importance of repetition...
Last night I was having a conversation with my oldest niece about fitness and nutrition and she asked if I was still writing in my blog. I told her I really hadn't been lately because after so many years and so many ups and downs, I'm starting to feel like I'm just repeating myself and not really going anywhere. And then as I headed to bed, I couldn't stop thinking about the concept of repetition and that it's actually not such a bad thing.
When it comes to my own personal journey, repetition means that I haven't given up. Sure, it may bore those who read this blog to read for the umpteenth time about how I've finally gotten myself back to the gym, but to me it's exciting! When we were living in Utah, I was in the habit of spending at LEAST 5-10 hrs a week at the good old Clearfield Aquatics and Fitness Center. Between teaching my own classes and being a student in others, it was my home away from home and it's what kept me sane. It also helped me to keep my eating somewhat in check.
After moving to Florida, our nearest gym was 25 mins away and was (in all honesty) in horrible shape. Old, rusty equipment, broken air conditioning, very few class options and I found it really hard to convince myself to go most days...especially if there wasn't a zumba class. But on July 1st, after watching the brand new construction finally get finished, a beautiful YMCA opened just 10 mins from my parents' home! Brand new equipment, TWO fitness studios, endless class options, and a lot of really friendly staff members.
It's amazing how "new" things bring new motivation and a fresh start. Since its grand opening, I have now been to 3 Zumba classes, a body pump class and a tabata strength class. And there's so many more I want to try! And that repetition is going to make exercising become a habit once again. It will become a NEED. It will finally become a regular part of my routine again and from there I know that other things will slowly start to fall into place.
My mental health has been a wreck for the past 13 months and I know that it will take time to heal...but when my physical health is a priority, my mental health drastically improves. I'm desperate to get back to the best version of myself both for my children's sake as well as my own and I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm off to a good start.
WAKE UP...DO MY BEST...SLEEP...REPEAT!!!
When it comes to my own personal journey, repetition means that I haven't given up. Sure, it may bore those who read this blog to read for the umpteenth time about how I've finally gotten myself back to the gym, but to me it's exciting! When we were living in Utah, I was in the habit of spending at LEAST 5-10 hrs a week at the good old Clearfield Aquatics and Fitness Center. Between teaching my own classes and being a student in others, it was my home away from home and it's what kept me sane. It also helped me to keep my eating somewhat in check.
After moving to Florida, our nearest gym was 25 mins away and was (in all honesty) in horrible shape. Old, rusty equipment, broken air conditioning, very few class options and I found it really hard to convince myself to go most days...especially if there wasn't a zumba class. But on July 1st, after watching the brand new construction finally get finished, a beautiful YMCA opened just 10 mins from my parents' home! Brand new equipment, TWO fitness studios, endless class options, and a lot of really friendly staff members.
It's amazing how "new" things bring new motivation and a fresh start. Since its grand opening, I have now been to 3 Zumba classes, a body pump class and a tabata strength class. And there's so many more I want to try! And that repetition is going to make exercising become a habit once again. It will become a NEED. It will finally become a regular part of my routine again and from there I know that other things will slowly start to fall into place.
My mental health has been a wreck for the past 13 months and I know that it will take time to heal...but when my physical health is a priority, my mental health drastically improves. I'm desperate to get back to the best version of myself both for my children's sake as well as my own and I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm off to a good start.
WAKE UP...DO MY BEST...SLEEP...REPEAT!!!
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Don't tell me I can't...
I know that when people look at me nowadays...at 290+lbs...their mind doesn't go immediately to... "I bet she's a fitness instructor!" Believe me. I know this. Upon first glance, most people who don't know me would assume I've never worked out a day in my life and eat Big Macs for every meal. Now this isn't me trying to put myself down...and if you are honest with yourself, you've probably misjudged someone the same way at least once in your life. I have most certainly been guilty of that myself in the past. I know better now.
I also know that when I was at my healthiest...after losing 123lbs...that people looked at me and couldn't believe there was a time when I was over 330 lbs. A time when I wasn't in the gym every day or teaching fitness classes or coaching others in how to make changes in their own lives.
But I've been both of those people! I've been the extremely obese woman who never worked out, who ate thousands of calories a day and was miserable all the time. And I've been the strong, healthy, skinnier (for me and my height) fitness instructor who ate healthy more days than not and helped other people to do the same. The only difference is that now I'm a combination of both of those women and people aren't really sure what to make of that. What they first see with their eyes tends to win out over anything else.
This past year has been pure hell for me and my family and I took comfort in eating. I'm not proud of it and of course food doesn't fix anything...but that's what I did. I quit going to the gym at all for several months and I ate what I wanted because I "deserved it" after everything I was going through..and still am. But after a few months of this self-loathing and punishment, I realized that I really did NOT want to go back to who I was at 330+lbs and I went back to the gym. I found a Zumba class/instructor that I loved and I dove back in to running my weight loss group. But the damage had already been done.
In the past year I've put on 50+lbs and my body is feeling the strain. I can't jump quite as high or do as many jumping jacks or dance a salsa at quite the same speed. I become breathless much more quickly now...but in my head, I am still the same person I was a year ago. I can still choreograph a fun playlist for a Zumba class and then TEACH every single song. I can still plan a good, hard HIIT workout for a client. I can still coach someone on how they can improve their eating habits or ways to change up their workout regimen. I still have the licenses to teach Zumba/Zumba Gold and Pound classes. I still have the certificates saying that I can not only teach a group fitness class, but also be a personal trainer. I am still CPR/AED certified and I am still a nutrition coach. I may not look like I take my own advice, but I am still damn good at what I do when it comes to other people.
So don't tell me that I can't. Sure, many people benefit from working with a trainer who looks the part. My sister, Heidi, is herself one of those amazing trainers. She has worked hard for YEARS to get the body she has, but her body isn't what makes her good at her job. It's what's inside! She is smart and she is fun and most importantly, she knows how to push those she coaches to be their best selves. And that motivates people. Her students absolutely love her for it! But some people (like myself at times) can feel intimidated by coaches who look like my incredible sister. And walking into a classroom and seeing a woman my size at the front...then watching me push through a 60 minute class...makes them see that hey! Maybe they can do this too. Good coaches/instructors come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Some of the best I know have been either senior citizens or pregnant women! And the only way to find out if they're good at their job...is to let them do it.
This 290+ lb woman has helped more than 350 people lose weight and make changes to their lifestyles since 2011. That's not a brag, it's a fact. And a humbling one. 350+ people have trusted me with their most vulnerable selves. With their weights, their full body pictures, their losses and their gains, their triumphs and their pain-filled struggles. And through it all, they've watched me work alongside them and they've seen all of those same things from me. They've seen my ups and downs both physically and emotionally. They've seen that I'm HUMAN! They've seen that it's okay to fall. We all do it. But they've also seen me get back up...over and over again. And hopefully, if nothing else, it helps them to realize they can do the same. It is never too late to try again.
So don't tell me that I can't. Don't brush me off just because I'm a little different or a little bigger. I may have a lot of self-work to do, but I still have a lot to offer. And if you can't see that, someone else will. So thank you. Thank you for re-igniting my fire into a raging inferno. I can do anything that I put my mind to and no one is going to tell me otherwise. The number on the scale and the size of my jeans do NOT define me.
I also know that when I was at my healthiest...after losing 123lbs...that people looked at me and couldn't believe there was a time when I was over 330 lbs. A time when I wasn't in the gym every day or teaching fitness classes or coaching others in how to make changes in their own lives.
But I've been both of those people! I've been the extremely obese woman who never worked out, who ate thousands of calories a day and was miserable all the time. And I've been the strong, healthy, skinnier (for me and my height) fitness instructor who ate healthy more days than not and helped other people to do the same. The only difference is that now I'm a combination of both of those women and people aren't really sure what to make of that. What they first see with their eyes tends to win out over anything else.
This past year has been pure hell for me and my family and I took comfort in eating. I'm not proud of it and of course food doesn't fix anything...but that's what I did. I quit going to the gym at all for several months and I ate what I wanted because I "deserved it" after everything I was going through..and still am. But after a few months of this self-loathing and punishment, I realized that I really did NOT want to go back to who I was at 330+lbs and I went back to the gym. I found a Zumba class/instructor that I loved and I dove back in to running my weight loss group. But the damage had already been done.
In the past year I've put on 50+lbs and my body is feeling the strain. I can't jump quite as high or do as many jumping jacks or dance a salsa at quite the same speed. I become breathless much more quickly now...but in my head, I am still the same person I was a year ago. I can still choreograph a fun playlist for a Zumba class and then TEACH every single song. I can still plan a good, hard HIIT workout for a client. I can still coach someone on how they can improve their eating habits or ways to change up their workout regimen. I still have the licenses to teach Zumba/Zumba Gold and Pound classes. I still have the certificates saying that I can not only teach a group fitness class, but also be a personal trainer. I am still CPR/AED certified and I am still a nutrition coach. I may not look like I take my own advice, but I am still damn good at what I do when it comes to other people.
So don't tell me that I can't. Sure, many people benefit from working with a trainer who looks the part. My sister, Heidi, is herself one of those amazing trainers. She has worked hard for YEARS to get the body she has, but her body isn't what makes her good at her job. It's what's inside! She is smart and she is fun and most importantly, she knows how to push those she coaches to be their best selves. And that motivates people. Her students absolutely love her for it! But some people (like myself at times) can feel intimidated by coaches who look like my incredible sister. And walking into a classroom and seeing a woman my size at the front...then watching me push through a 60 minute class...makes them see that hey! Maybe they can do this too. Good coaches/instructors come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Some of the best I know have been either senior citizens or pregnant women! And the only way to find out if they're good at their job...is to let them do it.
This 290+ lb woman has helped more than 350 people lose weight and make changes to their lifestyles since 2011. That's not a brag, it's a fact. And a humbling one. 350+ people have trusted me with their most vulnerable selves. With their weights, their full body pictures, their losses and their gains, their triumphs and their pain-filled struggles. And through it all, they've watched me work alongside them and they've seen all of those same things from me. They've seen my ups and downs both physically and emotionally. They've seen that I'm HUMAN! They've seen that it's okay to fall. We all do it. But they've also seen me get back up...over and over again. And hopefully, if nothing else, it helps them to realize they can do the same. It is never too late to try again.
So don't tell me that I can't. Don't brush me off just because I'm a little different or a little bigger. I may have a lot of self-work to do, but I still have a lot to offer. And if you can't see that, someone else will. So thank you. Thank you for re-igniting my fire into a raging inferno. I can do anything that I put my mind to and no one is going to tell me otherwise. The number on the scale and the size of my jeans do NOT define me.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Here comes the exhale...
This entry is going to be the hardest one I've ever had to write, so please be gentle with your judgements and forgive my scattered thoughts. I'm sure I've said that before...but back then I didn't know how good I had it. I haven't written an entry since April. You could say I've been holding my breath this year. Trying to keep in all of the chaos and trauma and heartbreak and emotion. But it's the end of 2018 and it's finally time to exhale. So brace yourselves. And if you get through this whole entry, then thank you for listening. If not, that's okay too. Either way...as always...I write these for me. And it's time.
At the end of 2016, I was stressed out. My husband's job was being threatened and we were sure he'd lose it. But he didn't. And life went on. At the end of 2017, he DID lose his job and I was stressed out. 2 months later, he got his job back, but it came with a mandatory relocation. Across the country. And I was even more stressed out. Fast forward to now and I'd give anything to go back to just being "stressed out".
Now...this is a health and weight loss blog. So while this is MY blog and technically I can write about whatever I want, I will tell you right now that I'm not going to go into graphic detail about exactly why 2018 was the worst year of my life and the lives of my family. If we are good friends...you probably already know. And if you already know, you know that the "graphic details" should never and will never be aired on social media (if I can at all help it) as it's not solely my story to tell and frankly, as my friends and family keep reminding me...it's not really anyone's business. But 2018 had a profound effect on my health, both physically and mentally, and since writing is my favorite and most effective form of therapy (even my therapist agrees)...that's what I'm going to do.
One thing in 2018 that has had an effect on my health that I WILL tell you all about is the car accident I was in on May 19, 2018. I was rear ended on my way home from the dollar store a mile from my home. At the time, it didn't seem like it was all that bad. Yes, my rear lift-gate was damaged and needed thousands of $'s in repairs, but my airbag didn't go off and no one was severely injured. But within an hour, whiplash set in and I ended up in the ER twice within a week having every test possible run. Of course all that they found was "soft tissue damage" and I was told to ice it and take ibuprofen. That was in May. Now as the year closes out, I still deal with fairly frequent headaches and neck pain that only deep massage and a good snap from my chiropractor can help. I don't tell you all this to complain, but for someone who's life revolved around fitness this time a year ago, it has put a real damper on things. But still...this obstacle, for me, falls under my old definition of "stressed out". The one that really just seems silly now. But having that kind of almost daily discomfort/sometimes pain seems to exacerbate things, so it plays its part.
2018 ripped my life out from underneath me. "New year, new me" is a cliche phrase that we hear every January 1. I'm sure I've even used it in a blog entry at some point. But this year it holds all new meaning.
I am going into 2019 as a newly single, full-time mother of 4. Well...3 and a missionary currently serving in Durban, South Africa.
I am going into 2019 living with my (incredibly selfless) parents in Florida. If you know me, I HATE humidity and this was never in my plans.
I am going into 2019 without the job that I loved and at one time was passionate about.
I am going into 2019 with newly acquired depression and anxiety that push me to my limits on an almost daily basis.
I am going into 2019 without the amazing support system that I had back in UT, though they all do their best to keep in touch via chat/text...and I am struggling to open up enough to try and build relationships like that here.
I am going into 2019 extremely vulnerable and terrified of putting my full trust in anyone.
I am going into 2019 weighing over 290lbs...and at a point where my poor health didn't even rank in the top 5 on this list. This one has been very hard on me considering it wasn't much more than a year ago that I had lost more than 100lbs and was feeling the best I'd felt in my life.
I don't even recognize myself anymore. A year ago, life was amazing. I was happy. I truly had everything I wanted. My family, my job, my friends, my church, my health, my dreams...I was a bit spoiled! In an instant, it was all taken away. 2018 truly broke me. I am not the same Jill I was.
In that instant, it was like everything health related that I had spent the last 7 years of my life learning and building and working towards was forgotten. Lost. Unimportant. Food was once again my best friend. Exercise was an inconvenience. I mean, who wants to drive 25 mins to get to the gym where they don't know anyone? Well, I'm sure some people do, but I miss my workout buddies something fierce. My priorities no longer had any room for ME. For my health.
They say you can only focus your attention and will power on so many things at a time and that has proven so very true this year. But surprisingly (not), the heavier and more out of shape I've gotten since the end of May...the harder it's been to manage all of those things that ARE on my priorities list. Go figure huh? Who knew. *raises hand*. And yet...despite KNOWING that...it didn't matter. The effort that I know it takes for my body to shed weight and be strong and healthy...was no longer worth it to me.
Are ya still reading or have I depressed you enough to quit yet? But seriously...who is this person! This is not me! I'm usually miss optimistic. This is not the me that I worked so hard to bring out! It's not fair! I know change is supposed to help us grow and adversity make us stronger but THIS IS NOT FAIR! This trial can be over now...please and thank you. Because I don't know how much more I can take.
But if I've learned anything this year...it's that I am incredibly strong. Even when I really, REALLY don't want to be. My lock screen on my phone has said "I can do hard things" for almost 7 months now and it won't change anytime soon. Because I need that daily reminder. I can do hard things. And that includes finding a way to take what I've been given and using it as the first step on this all new path I've been set on. I can't control the things that have happened/were done to myself or to my family, but I can control how I let it determine the rest of my life. And while I know 2019 will still have many days where the fetal position is the only appealing course of action...it is going to be better than 2018. It has to be.
So to add to my list above:
I am going into 2019 with new opportunities and possibilities for the future.
I am going into 2019 as a certified Personal Trainer/Group Fitness instructor/Licensed Zumba/Pound Instructor.
I am going into 2019 as a BYU undergrad on track to (finally) finish her Bachelor's degree in Psychology.
I am going into 2019 with the most amazing and resilient children you will ever meet (I'm a tad biased, but it's true nonetheless) and I'm going to watch them overcome their own nightmares to do amazing things with their lives.
I am going into 2019 with great friends. Both old, new, and those still to come.
I am going into 2019 with 2 parents and 3 sisters who love me unconditionally despite my current state...and who have taken my kids and I in and helped us to find a new life here in good old FL.
I am going into 2019 with an understanding that I will probably never be back at a weight that appeals to the general public...and that's okay.
I am going into 2019 with the same food addiction issues I've struggled with my whole life, but with a desire to continue fighting against them. I'm not ready to give up.
I am going into 2019 with 2018 in my rear view mirror as much as possible. I know that 2018 will be a year that bleeds into every other year going forward, but it will not define me or my children.
*inhales*
*exhales*
Let's do this.
At the end of 2016, I was stressed out. My husband's job was being threatened and we were sure he'd lose it. But he didn't. And life went on. At the end of 2017, he DID lose his job and I was stressed out. 2 months later, he got his job back, but it came with a mandatory relocation. Across the country. And I was even more stressed out. Fast forward to now and I'd give anything to go back to just being "stressed out".
Now...this is a health and weight loss blog. So while this is MY blog and technically I can write about whatever I want, I will tell you right now that I'm not going to go into graphic detail about exactly why 2018 was the worst year of my life and the lives of my family. If we are good friends...you probably already know. And if you already know, you know that the "graphic details" should never and will never be aired on social media (if I can at all help it) as it's not solely my story to tell and frankly, as my friends and family keep reminding me...it's not really anyone's business. But 2018 had a profound effect on my health, both physically and mentally, and since writing is my favorite and most effective form of therapy (even my therapist agrees)...that's what I'm going to do.
One thing in 2018 that has had an effect on my health that I WILL tell you all about is the car accident I was in on May 19, 2018. I was rear ended on my way home from the dollar store a mile from my home. At the time, it didn't seem like it was all that bad. Yes, my rear lift-gate was damaged and needed thousands of $'s in repairs, but my airbag didn't go off and no one was severely injured. But within an hour, whiplash set in and I ended up in the ER twice within a week having every test possible run. Of course all that they found was "soft tissue damage" and I was told to ice it and take ibuprofen. That was in May. Now as the year closes out, I still deal with fairly frequent headaches and neck pain that only deep massage and a good snap from my chiropractor can help. I don't tell you all this to complain, but for someone who's life revolved around fitness this time a year ago, it has put a real damper on things. But still...this obstacle, for me, falls under my old definition of "stressed out". The one that really just seems silly now. But having that kind of almost daily discomfort/sometimes pain seems to exacerbate things, so it plays its part.
2018 ripped my life out from underneath me. "New year, new me" is a cliche phrase that we hear every January 1. I'm sure I've even used it in a blog entry at some point. But this year it holds all new meaning.
I am going into 2019 as a newly single, full-time mother of 4. Well...3 and a missionary currently serving in Durban, South Africa.
I am going into 2019 living with my (incredibly selfless) parents in Florida. If you know me, I HATE humidity and this was never in my plans.
I am going into 2019 without the job that I loved and at one time was passionate about.
I am going into 2019 with newly acquired depression and anxiety that push me to my limits on an almost daily basis.
I am going into 2019 without the amazing support system that I had back in UT, though they all do their best to keep in touch via chat/text...and I am struggling to open up enough to try and build relationships like that here.
I am going into 2019 extremely vulnerable and terrified of putting my full trust in anyone.
I am going into 2019 weighing over 290lbs...and at a point where my poor health didn't even rank in the top 5 on this list. This one has been very hard on me considering it wasn't much more than a year ago that I had lost more than 100lbs and was feeling the best I'd felt in my life.
I don't even recognize myself anymore. A year ago, life was amazing. I was happy. I truly had everything I wanted. My family, my job, my friends, my church, my health, my dreams...I was a bit spoiled! In an instant, it was all taken away. 2018 truly broke me. I am not the same Jill I was.
In that instant, it was like everything health related that I had spent the last 7 years of my life learning and building and working towards was forgotten. Lost. Unimportant. Food was once again my best friend. Exercise was an inconvenience. I mean, who wants to drive 25 mins to get to the gym where they don't know anyone? Well, I'm sure some people do, but I miss my workout buddies something fierce. My priorities no longer had any room for ME. For my health.
They say you can only focus your attention and will power on so many things at a time and that has proven so very true this year. But surprisingly (not), the heavier and more out of shape I've gotten since the end of May...the harder it's been to manage all of those things that ARE on my priorities list. Go figure huh? Who knew. *raises hand*. And yet...despite KNOWING that...it didn't matter. The effort that I know it takes for my body to shed weight and be strong and healthy...was no longer worth it to me.
Are ya still reading or have I depressed you enough to quit yet? But seriously...who is this person! This is not me! I'm usually miss optimistic. This is not the me that I worked so hard to bring out! It's not fair! I know change is supposed to help us grow and adversity make us stronger but THIS IS NOT FAIR! This trial can be over now...please and thank you. Because I don't know how much more I can take.
But if I've learned anything this year...it's that I am incredibly strong. Even when I really, REALLY don't want to be. My lock screen on my phone has said "I can do hard things" for almost 7 months now and it won't change anytime soon. Because I need that daily reminder. I can do hard things. And that includes finding a way to take what I've been given and using it as the first step on this all new path I've been set on. I can't control the things that have happened/were done to myself or to my family, but I can control how I let it determine the rest of my life. And while I know 2019 will still have many days where the fetal position is the only appealing course of action...it is going to be better than 2018. It has to be.
So to add to my list above:
I am going into 2019 with new opportunities and possibilities for the future.
I am going into 2019 as a certified Personal Trainer/Group Fitness instructor/Licensed Zumba/Pound Instructor.
I am going into 2019 as a BYU undergrad on track to (finally) finish her Bachelor's degree in Psychology.
I am going into 2019 with the most amazing and resilient children you will ever meet (I'm a tad biased, but it's true nonetheless) and I'm going to watch them overcome their own nightmares to do amazing things with their lives.
I am going into 2019 with great friends. Both old, new, and those still to come.
I am going into 2019 with 2 parents and 3 sisters who love me unconditionally despite my current state...and who have taken my kids and I in and helped us to find a new life here in good old FL.
I am going into 2019 with an understanding that I will probably never be back at a weight that appeals to the general public...and that's okay.
I am going into 2019 with the same food addiction issues I've struggled with my whole life, but with a desire to continue fighting against them. I'm not ready to give up.
I am going into 2019 with 2018 in my rear view mirror as much as possible. I know that 2018 will be a year that bleeds into every other year going forward, but it will not define me or my children.
*inhales*
*exhales*
Let's do this.
Monday, April 2, 2018
The spiral to beat all spirals...
This blog entry is really hard for me to write, but that just means I need to do it that much more. I haven't been this embarrassed since I started losing weight to begin with and that's saying something. I've fallen "off the wagon" before, but nothing like this and never for this long. So I'm just gonna say it.
This morning, I saw 268 on the scale. Yes. 268. That's up 46 lbs since Halloween. FORTY-SIX. And at least 20 of that is just in the past month. What the hell happened?? I gave up. That's what happened. The holidays brought your typical treats and food binges, but then my husband lost his job and I let the stress get to me. My food addiction has been in full swing and in complete control for the past several months. I've had bad weeks before but this was unprecedented. I kept waiting for it to "pass", but I just sank deeper and deeper. I...did...not...care. I have seriously never cared less about what I put into my body. As a fitness instructor and nutrition coach who runs a weight loss group...it's horrifying for me to type that.
I'm sure some people are thinking that maybe there's something medically wrong going on in my body to gain so much weight so fast...but if you knew all the things I'd eaten over the past 4-5 months, you'd quickly change your mind. I did this to myself. And it breaks my heart. I've almost completely undone all the hard work I did last year and it makes me SO MAD.
But this isn't about the number on the scale, horrifying as it is. It's about how I feel. And I feel like CRAP.
-I no longer fit into most of my clothes
-Teaching my classes is 10 times harder and I know my students can tell
-I have very little energy to do things and am tired ALL the time
-I don't sleep well anymore
-Sitting in certain chairs has gotten difficult again
-I can't cross my legs the way I used to
-I only work out when I'm being paid to
-I'm lucky if I eat one or two fruits/veggies a week
-I no longer know how to help other people with their own struggles
Trying to run Jilly's Losers started to feel so hypocritical that I put the group on a mandatory break about a month ago. I had to. I couldn't do it anymore. How can I coach and inspire other people to become healthier when I had no desire to take care of ME?
I can't keep doing this to myself. Why can't I find a freaking balance between extremes? I don't do well in moderation. I can't control my sugar/food addiction any more than anyone can control any other addiction. AND IT PISSES ME OFF!!!!
But at least now I can say that some of my surrounding circumstances have changed. Maybe that will help pull me out of this seemingly bottomless pit. Nathan got a job and I quit mine. I will continue teaching Zumba, but I will no longer be working the front desk at the gym. This will allow me to be home for dinner most nights, which I think will make the biggest difference. The last thing I've wanted to do the past few months is cook myself dinner when I get home at 9pm. So it's been quick drive-thru options really late at night....several times a week. Not anymore. Not only has it been adding the lbs back on but it's been extremely hard on my wallet and that has to stop.
Noticing how much sugar we've been having around the house lately, my children have asked if we could all do a no sugar challenge until my birthday in June. I'm glad it was their idea because that's the only way I think I'd ever have agreed. I can do anything for my kids. I know...I should do it for me...but right now, this is all I've got. So starting today, it's all been tossed out. No more desserts. I'm not going to go as extreme as I did this time last year and beat myself up about carbs AND sugar at the same time...I'm just going to give up the sweets and go from there.
I'll add in more fruits and veggies and whole grains...and water. LOTS of water. No more soda for a while. I just need to go back to basics...and more importantly...to fueling my body so that it feels GOOD again. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling strong. I want that back. I don't care what the scale says as long as I FEEL good. So that's my goal. Pamper my body with foods that make it feel good...and get in a few workouts a week that I'm not being paid to do. I miss the workouts I was doing for ME. I love teaching so very much. It is my passion. But when I teach, it's for my students, its' not for me. And I miss that.
So it's back to day 1...again...for the millionth time. And I'd appreciate any support and encouragement I can get. And please...DO NOT BRING MY FAMILY TREATS ANYMORE! haha. It's time to re-learn how to tell myself...NO.
This morning, I saw 268 on the scale. Yes. 268. That's up 46 lbs since Halloween. FORTY-SIX. And at least 20 of that is just in the past month. What the hell happened?? I gave up. That's what happened. The holidays brought your typical treats and food binges, but then my husband lost his job and I let the stress get to me. My food addiction has been in full swing and in complete control for the past several months. I've had bad weeks before but this was unprecedented. I kept waiting for it to "pass", but I just sank deeper and deeper. I...did...not...care. I have seriously never cared less about what I put into my body. As a fitness instructor and nutrition coach who runs a weight loss group...it's horrifying for me to type that.
I'm sure some people are thinking that maybe there's something medically wrong going on in my body to gain so much weight so fast...but if you knew all the things I'd eaten over the past 4-5 months, you'd quickly change your mind. I did this to myself. And it breaks my heart. I've almost completely undone all the hard work I did last year and it makes me SO MAD.
But this isn't about the number on the scale, horrifying as it is. It's about how I feel. And I feel like CRAP.
-I no longer fit into most of my clothes
-Teaching my classes is 10 times harder and I know my students can tell
-I have very little energy to do things and am tired ALL the time
-I don't sleep well anymore
-Sitting in certain chairs has gotten difficult again
-I can't cross my legs the way I used to
-I only work out when I'm being paid to
-I'm lucky if I eat one or two fruits/veggies a week
-I no longer know how to help other people with their own struggles
Trying to run Jilly's Losers started to feel so hypocritical that I put the group on a mandatory break about a month ago. I had to. I couldn't do it anymore. How can I coach and inspire other people to become healthier when I had no desire to take care of ME?
I can't keep doing this to myself. Why can't I find a freaking balance between extremes? I don't do well in moderation. I can't control my sugar/food addiction any more than anyone can control any other addiction. AND IT PISSES ME OFF!!!!
But at least now I can say that some of my surrounding circumstances have changed. Maybe that will help pull me out of this seemingly bottomless pit. Nathan got a job and I quit mine. I will continue teaching Zumba, but I will no longer be working the front desk at the gym. This will allow me to be home for dinner most nights, which I think will make the biggest difference. The last thing I've wanted to do the past few months is cook myself dinner when I get home at 9pm. So it's been quick drive-thru options really late at night....several times a week. Not anymore. Not only has it been adding the lbs back on but it's been extremely hard on my wallet and that has to stop.
Noticing how much sugar we've been having around the house lately, my children have asked if we could all do a no sugar challenge until my birthday in June. I'm glad it was their idea because that's the only way I think I'd ever have agreed. I can do anything for my kids. I know...I should do it for me...but right now, this is all I've got. So starting today, it's all been tossed out. No more desserts. I'm not going to go as extreme as I did this time last year and beat myself up about carbs AND sugar at the same time...I'm just going to give up the sweets and go from there.
I'll add in more fruits and veggies and whole grains...and water. LOTS of water. No more soda for a while. I just need to go back to basics...and more importantly...to fueling my body so that it feels GOOD again. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling strong. I want that back. I don't care what the scale says as long as I FEEL good. So that's my goal. Pamper my body with foods that make it feel good...and get in a few workouts a week that I'm not being paid to do. I miss the workouts I was doing for ME. I love teaching so very much. It is my passion. But when I teach, it's for my students, its' not for me. And I miss that.
So it's back to day 1...again...for the millionth time. And I'd appreciate any support and encouragement I can get. And please...DO NOT BRING MY FAMILY TREATS ANYMORE! haha. It's time to re-learn how to tell myself...NO.
Thursday, February 1, 2018
Week 1...the good the bad and the blah...
So obviously, my schedule these days is not conducive to a daily blog entry and that's okay. It'll make them a little less boring...maybe? Week 1 actually went pretty well. I didn't stick to keto 100% like I did the first time around, but 90% lost me 7.8lbs in week 1 so I'm happy about it! I know it was 7.8lbs that was mostly water and all put on pretty recently, but at least it came back off quickly.
As always, the problem is sticking to it. The problem with NOT going 100% like I did last year is that after I weigh-in with my group on Tuesdays, I tend to reward myself with a treat meal. What's wrong with that? Nothing...in theory...if I kept it at just one meal. And I thought I could. But then Wednesday afteroon, my daughter brought home a box of World's Finest chocolates to sell for the National Jr. Honor Society and the rest is history.
I had 3 chocolate bars (luckily they're skinnier and thinner than the last time I remember eating them so at least there's that...)...and then that set off ALLLLLL the cravings. I think I had an omelette in there somewhere yesterday to pretend I was being healthy...but most of the day was sugar. Tootsie rolls, mini cheesecakes, caramels....and a whopper and fries at 10:30pm cause I was bumming about a rough volleyball game and of course that must mean I'm dying of starvation and need a whopper, right? Cause who doesn't. Also...fry sauce.
Ugh....
Why do I do this to myself? I know I'm not the only one either. I was telling my group this morning that I wish I were one of those people who just really isn't that big into food and only eats cause they need to to live. I mean yes...I am glad I enjoy eating, but wish maybe I just enjoyed it a lot less. I know more people who are food addicts than people who are food toleraters...but they do exist! Strange people they are :P (Sorry Liz! haha) And sometimes I'm jealous.
I really don't want to re-gain those 7.8lbs though and I know I'm going to eat some fun things while we watch the Super Bowl on Sunday (GO PATS!!!!) so I need to get back on track HARD today. Stating that outloud (or whatever you call this) helps me to feel more committed in doing that. And it's not just about not wanting to re-gain weight. I feel like absolute crap when I eat that way. If only that were enough to make me stop, right?
So today's a new day. I'll keep it clean and get in a good workout teaching Zumba tonight and then I will NOT have fast food for dinner. Shouldn't be anyway. Need the $.
But man was that whopper good...
As always, the problem is sticking to it. The problem with NOT going 100% like I did last year is that after I weigh-in with my group on Tuesdays, I tend to reward myself with a treat meal. What's wrong with that? Nothing...in theory...if I kept it at just one meal. And I thought I could. But then Wednesday afteroon, my daughter brought home a box of World's Finest chocolates to sell for the National Jr. Honor Society and the rest is history.
I had 3 chocolate bars (luckily they're skinnier and thinner than the last time I remember eating them so at least there's that...)...and then that set off ALLLLLL the cravings. I think I had an omelette in there somewhere yesterday to pretend I was being healthy...but most of the day was sugar. Tootsie rolls, mini cheesecakes, caramels....and a whopper and fries at 10:30pm cause I was bumming about a rough volleyball game and of course that must mean I'm dying of starvation and need a whopper, right? Cause who doesn't. Also...fry sauce.
Ugh....
Why do I do this to myself? I know I'm not the only one either. I was telling my group this morning that I wish I were one of those people who just really isn't that big into food and only eats cause they need to to live. I mean yes...I am glad I enjoy eating, but wish maybe I just enjoyed it a lot less. I know more people who are food addicts than people who are food toleraters...but they do exist! Strange people they are :P (Sorry Liz! haha) And sometimes I'm jealous.
I really don't want to re-gain those 7.8lbs though and I know I'm going to eat some fun things while we watch the Super Bowl on Sunday (GO PATS!!!!) so I need to get back on track HARD today. Stating that outloud (or whatever you call this) helps me to feel more committed in doing that. And it's not just about not wanting to re-gain weight. I feel like absolute crap when I eat that way. If only that were enough to make me stop, right?
So today's a new day. I'll keep it clean and get in a good workout teaching Zumba tonight and then I will NOT have fast food for dinner. Shouldn't be anyway. Need the $.
But man was that whopper good...
Friday, January 26, 2018
Day 3...when your body fights you on it...
Yesterday was another success food wise! I didn't even eat any Halo Top! My good friend, Maren, made me some healthy granola that I was pretty excited about...so I may have eaten an extra serving there, but still kept my macros in check.
Yesterday's issue was more physical. It seems I pulled a glute muscle playing volleyball Wednesday night...and I also have junk settling back into my chest again, so I'm not feeling super fantastic. Both of those things compounding made it hard to teach my Zumba class last night, but I faked my way through it. The hardest thing about not feeling well is avoiding the tendency to comfort myself with food. I wanted to. I really wanted to. But I didn't. I know it would've made me feel better in the moment, but I would've felt yuckier this morning.
Physical ailments also cause severe sleep deprivation, so I'm writing this blog on about 3 hrs of sleep and I'm sure I'm rambling. Sorry about that! But I know how important sleep is to my health and so when I don't get it, it tends to affect my whole day. So this is me telling you that I won't let it do that today. I won't let my lack of sleep become an excuse to eat whatever I want today. I will fuel my body properly because I know it will help me feel better faster. (Yeah, I'm pretty much writing this to convince myself at this point.) I won't eat crap today, I won't eat crap today...
My hubby did find me my new favorite breakfast though. I love omelettes, but suck at making them. He found these things called "Just crack an egg" and they're DELICIOUS! So I'll start there.
Time to end the rambling. Without even reading back I know this blog entry is a mess. Maybe I'll go take a napzzzzzzzzzzzz
Yesterday's issue was more physical. It seems I pulled a glute muscle playing volleyball Wednesday night...and I also have junk settling back into my chest again, so I'm not feeling super fantastic. Both of those things compounding made it hard to teach my Zumba class last night, but I faked my way through it. The hardest thing about not feeling well is avoiding the tendency to comfort myself with food. I wanted to. I really wanted to. But I didn't. I know it would've made me feel better in the moment, but I would've felt yuckier this morning.
Physical ailments also cause severe sleep deprivation, so I'm writing this blog on about 3 hrs of sleep and I'm sure I'm rambling. Sorry about that! But I know how important sleep is to my health and so when I don't get it, it tends to affect my whole day. So this is me telling you that I won't let it do that today. I won't let my lack of sleep become an excuse to eat whatever I want today. I will fuel my body properly because I know it will help me feel better faster. (Yeah, I'm pretty much writing this to convince myself at this point.) I won't eat crap today, I won't eat crap today...
My hubby did find me my new favorite breakfast though. I love omelettes, but suck at making them. He found these things called "Just crack an egg" and they're DELICIOUS! So I'll start there.
Time to end the rambling. Without even reading back I know this blog entry is a mess. Maybe I'll go take a napzzzzzzzzzzzz
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