Stupid freaking wagon...

The worst part about falling off the wagon is when you KNOW it's coming...you see it from a mile away...and you still do it.

As my 2 weeks of South Beach phase 1 neared the end, I knew it wasn't going to go well for me.  I knew it. It's my pattern.  And it terrified me, the closer I got.  I was hoping and praying that I'd have the strength to EASE out of it and into phase 2, but no...I had to go down in a blaze of glory.  Every time I manage a streak of perfection I always end it by going to the other extreme. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF!!!!!

During the first week of phase 1, I lost 9lbs. That's pretty freaking amazing.  I was so proud and excited and sure that during week 2, I'd lose another 7-9 and break through that elusive 200lb barrier. But the scale stopped dead in its tracks. 207.  207.  207.  It would NOT move.  I should have stopped weighing myself...and I did for about 2 days.  And then again...207.  I was eating the same, working out the same, drinking enough, sleeping enough....but nothing.  I got really frustrated.  There is nothing worse than KNOWING you are doing everything right and seeing that number stall.

And then on day 13, we decided to celebrate Nathan's birthday.  13 days is close enough to 14, so we went to Tucanos for dinner and it was amazing.  I ate pretty healthy for the most part, though I did OVER eat.  And I had carbs. And a donut.  Happy birthday to Nathan.  That wasn't so bad...but then the next morning (on his actual birthday) my cravings decided to taunt me.  I had my favorite breakfast of homemade apple bran muffins and greek yogurt and thought I was doing just fine.

Three words...

RED VELVET CAKE

My husband decided to sneak out and buy a cake so that I didn't have to bake one.  And he bought my absolute favorite kind.  It was HIS birthday and he got MY favorite cake.  Love that man.  But that cake was my undoing.  Here I am 5 days later and I've had at least 3 separate binges.  It's like all the sugar and carbs in the house that I had no problem avoiding for 2 weeks are suddenly screaming so loudly that the only way to silence them is to eat them...ALL.

Yesterday we sat and watched a movie and ate half a bag of chips with dip and a box of girl scout cookies.  Sure, I've had MUCH worse binges than that.  But the night before that we had pizza (which I haven't had in months) and 3 slices of stuffed crust pizza is enough to throw anyone right off the wagon and onto their ass.

Last night I was deciding what to eat before heading out to teach my Zumba class and a big part of me wanted to say screw it and eat like crap and gain 10lbs, who even cares anymore.  But I do.  I care.  As much as sometimes I get so sick of this whole journey...I very very much care.  I have this horrible habit of self sabotage when I get really close to a big goal.  I did the same thing when I neared 250lbs.  It made me sad to see myself doing that again.  And I really really don't want it to take another 6 months for me to break through 200.

So I made myself a nice thick strawberry/banana protein shake and went off to teach.  I sweat my butt off (and hopefully most of the sugar I'd eaten) and went to bed without eating another cookie.  I had to start somewhere.

This morning I caved and had a little bowl of raisin bran with my hard boiled egg, but my resolve has been renewed and I really want to buckle down.  I did gain back 2-3lbs over the past 5-6 days, but I've become a pro at losing weight that I've already lost.  I won't let it set me back any further than it already has.  But man, I wish there were some way to fix whatever is wrong in my brain that sets me off on these downward spirals.  After experiencing it so many times you'd think I'd have the process perfected by now.  But I'm pretty sure my butt will get a lot more bruises from falling off that wagon.  But at least if I'm falling off....that means I got back on :)