Oh yeah, I have a blog....

It's been so long since I put my thoughts and feelings down on "paper" that I'm honestly afraid they'll all come out pretty chaotic and jumbled...but even so, it needs to be done.  If this is as far as you read, I totally understand!

So...turns out having a baby changes your life a bit.  Who knew.  You'd think I'd never done this before.  Maybe it's because this was the first pregnancy I've had where I was active and healthy and so I was absolutely certain that the day Cooper was born, I'd hop right back on that weight loss wagon and it'd be cake.  Or baked chicken breast.  Or something healthy, whatever.  My point is....For the months building up to his birth, I was beyond excited to get my body back and to get back into my rigorous workout routine and get back to eating 1500 or less calories a day and lose all the weight I'd gained.  I'm hilarious.  That was a funny joke!  Here's how it's ACTUALLY gone down.

As of my last appointment with my midwife in December, I was 269lbs.  That was about a 55 ish pound gain from when I learned I was pregnant.  Not my worst pregnancy gain, but it was far more than I expected to gain with as often as I was working out.  I was still teaching Zumba until November and working out 3-4 times a week on top of that.  Unfortunately, I let myself eat whatever didn't irritate me or make me feel ill pretty much the whole pregnancy.  I knew what that would do to me, but I accepted my fate.  I was sure that once the pregnancy was over, everything would revert to normal.

(This was me at 209lbs, before I got pregnant)

(This is my before/after pregnancy pic)

(And this is what I look like now...)

My sweet baby Cooper was born on December 22nd just after 5 in the evening.  He weighed 7lbs 15 oz. and was absolutely perfect.  As I was hoping to, I was able to deliver him without any drugs and while it was the most painful experience of my life it was also the most amazing.  I'm grateful that my body (and mind!) were healthy enough and strong enough to get through such an experience. I was up and walking around very soon after and I was sure that was a sign of things to come.  But from day one, I should've realized that life was going to change.  Drastically.

I think I got maybe 10 hours of sleep the entire first month of his life.  Between his jaundice (he had to sleep on a bili-bed for a few days) and trying to exclusively nurse him whereas I'd used bottles with my other babies...it felt like I was living with a little human attached to my body.  It wasn't much different from carrying him inside me!  Not to mention...I'm 35.  I'm no longer in my mid-20's trying to care for a newborn.  No matter what physical shape I was in, it was a LOT harder than I remember it being!  I was exhausted, both physically and mentally and worrying about what went into my mouth was the last thing on my mind.  I continued to just eat whatever I had the time or the stomach for and that was usually something fast, convenient and loaded with calories.

I kept telling myself that once the 6 week mark came and I could get back to the gym...everything would be okay.  Life would go back to how it was.  Wrong again.

6 weeks came and I got the go ahead to work out from my midwife.  I went back to teaching Zumba and taking classes at the gym, but with a baby in tow.  What started out as 4 classes a week quickly turned to 2...and then 1.  I forgot how much STUFF babies have.  Trying to get him changed, fed, dressed, packed up in the car, diaper bag filled and then drag all that up to the aerobics room of the gym was NOT enjoyable for me.  THAT was a workout in itself...and I got sick of it. Luckily he loves Zumba and would sit/sleep happily through the entire hour anytime I did bring him.  But it was just too stressful.  And as has always been the case for me...when I'm not working out hard, my eating suffers as well.

One thing hasn't changed.  I can still start every single day fresh with a healthy breakfast.  And I do.  But guaranteed...4pm rolls around and I throw in the towel.  Add in a newborn and it becomes more like...2pm.  He sleeps a bit better at night, but I still can't get more than 20 mins at a time usually where I'm not having to hold him.  (I'm surprised he's slept the entire time I've been typing this!  That baby swing is a Godsend.)  So it then again becomes... Eat what I can, when I can and feel guilty about it later. I had hoped that I'd be one of those people who, when nursing, burns calories like a mofo and can eat whatever they want and lose a ton of weight.  No such luck.  I, apparently, am one of those people whose hormones get all out of whack when exclusively nursing and is ravenous ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!!  I'm lucky if I can keep my calorie count under 2,000...never mind that 1500 a day nonsense.  And my craving for sugar?  HAHAHAHA.  I have zero control over that little bastard (pardon my language).  But seriously.  I can't even go a full 24 hours without giving in to some sort of treat.

So what do I do?  Cooper is now 4 1/2 months old and cuter than ever.  I am blissfully happy being a "new mom" all over again and I love watching all his milestones and watching my older kids as they learn to take care of him right along with me.  But I need to find a way to make myself a priority again.  Not top priority of course...but at least A priority.  Top 5 at least.  He's 4 months old and I'm still hovering around 265.  Not acceptable anymore.  People are so sweet and keep pointing out that I just had a baby and it's okay and it will take time....and I appreciate that.  But I need some tough love now.  I need someone to crack down on me and stop letting me make excuses.  I'm running out of clothes to wear here people!  I have an entire wardrobe that was bought at 230lbs and I refuse to live in maternity clothes forever. Nor will I go buy all new plus size clothes after I had just gotten rid of them a year ago.  Nope nope.  My only option is to buckle down, get serious, stop making excuses and get healthy again.  No one needs to eat 3 cupcakes in one sitting.  No one needs dessert every single day.  No one NEEDS to eat out several times a week just because they hate to cook.  (that one will be harder to fix...cause seriously...I hate to cook. And that doesn't help me any.)

Something has to change. I am still running Jilly's Losers, which I love doing...but if I'm being honest with myself, it's not helping me like it used to.  It's SO wonderful to watch how it's helping others and it inspires me every day...but after 17 seasons, I no longer feel that accountability that I used to.  I feel so loved and accepted by these people that it no longer scares me to weigh in or post full body pictures in front of them.  I'm completely nonchalant about it and that's not good.  I talked to a good friend of mine yesterday about the possibility of trying Weight Watchers.  I need to physically go to a place where I have to step on a scale in front of strangers and be held accountable for my choices each week.  Maybe counting points instead of calories will help (although with a year and a half streak going on myfitnesspal.com, I'm not likely to stop doing that anytime soon).  All I know is I have to figure out what will light my fire again because it's almost gone out and the thought of returning to 330+lbs terrifies me. Needless to say, it's hard to try and motivate other people when I can't even motivate myself.

Nathan has a new job now that has him working from home.  This means I no longer have to drag the baby and all his belongings with me to go workout.  This is a good start.  In the last week, I was able to get in a couple extra workouts and was genuinely sore for the first time in a year.  I can't spend hours a day working out like I used to, but I am hoping that if I can at least get back to working HARD in the time I do have...it will start a cycle that will help with the eating part of things as well.  You know things have gotten bad when your children come to you and beg you to make something healthy and turn down dessert because "We've eaten too much bad stuff lately mom."  I know better.

So there you have it.  Hopefully putting all of this out there will help me to feel a bit more accountable again.  It's why I started this blog in the first place.  It helps me.  I'm grateful for all of the blessings in my life.  Life is amazingly good right now.  I just need to re-learn how to live it to the fullest.  Change doesn't have to be the undoing of years of hard work.  Right?

So before I end this, I want to make myself a goal..publicly.  I usually tell my group folks to set goals that aren't scale related, but in this case...I need to make an exception.  I want to lose 10lbs by my birthday (Which is 1 month from today).  And by the time our family reunion rolls around in August, I would like to re-hit my 100lbs lost mark (230.6).  Now I realize that this may not happen and I am not going to beat myself up if I don't quite get there.  35lbs in 3 months is a big goal.  But right now I think I need to have a big goal. Now if only I could come up with an equally big reward that would actually push me! We'll see how it goes. In the meantime...if you see me eating a cupcake, slap it out of my hand.  You have my permission.

Jilly's Losers Season 15 starting soon!

I can't believe we're already on Season 15 of my little weight loss group on Facebook.  I've seen some amazing people make incredible changes as well as watched my own life ride quite the wild roller coaster of both weight loss, weight gain and health/lifestyle changes.  It's been a truly wonderful experience and I'm excited to get in one more season before this baby comes in December!  If you've ever wanted to give Jilly's Losers a try, but were too shy, this is a great season to start with.  We'll be split into teams and will even have our own version of "comeback canyon" just like on the Biggest Loser tv show!  It should be really fun.  All the rules are below and anyone is welcome to join.  Just let me know!

1. Season 15 will begin on Tuesday, October 14. It will last 8 weeks and our final weigh in will be on Tuesday, December 9. Please know that this will be the last official season for 2014 as I am due to have a baby around Christmas. I will most likely be starting season 16 in mid-January (so that I can actively participate!) but during the hiatus, everyone is still welcome and encouraged to weigh in weekly and post challenges in order to keep us all accountable. There will just be no prize pot or rules.
2. The buy-in fee this season will be $25. Fees should be sent via Paypal to Jillyslosers@gmail.com with the note “buyin fee”. All fees must be paid by October 21st.
   3. This season will be a teams season! We've done this once before and it was (in my opinion) the most fun season we've ever done! Here's how it will work.
   
   All those participating will be divided into two teams. They will be divided fairly so that each team will have about the same total weight (Or as close as I can get it anyway!) This basically consists of listing out invididuals by weight and then sorting: 1 person here, 1 person there...all the way to the bottom of the list. Got it? Teams will be created after everyone has weighed in on our starting day. As the season progresses, there will start to grow a third team via weekly eliminations. Being eliminated in Jilly's Losers does not mean you're removed or that you can no longer compete. I think it's silly to do that in a group where you are paying to join and the objective is to get healthier. So here's how eliminations will work (with a twist this time!)
   ELIMINATIONS: Depending on how many people we have joining us this season (The objective is to end up with no more than 2-4 people on teams 1 and 2 by the final weigh in. They will be competing for the top prizes)...every week the 2/3/etc people with the lowest % of weight loss will be “eliminated” from their original team and moved to team #3. However, if you've been watching the new season of Biggest Loser, you know that there is something called “Comeback Canyon”!! And this season, we'll have our own version of that! Second Chance Sanctuary! Between the two original teams and dropping down into team 3...is Second Chance Sanctuary. Let's say after week one, two people from each original team are “eliminated”. They will drop into “second chance sanctuary” for that following week. At the next week's weigh-in, the person who loses the highest % of those 4 eliminated people...will remain in second chance sanctuary. The rest will drop down to team 3 for the remainder of the 8 week season. This will happen each week. Those who are in second chance sanctuary will compete head to head with one another. For what, you ask? When we reach our second to last weigh-in...the last man/woman standing in second chance sanctuary will get to return to their original team to compete for their teams % of the prize pot!! Hopefully this will make a bit more sense as we go along, but I'm hoping it will provide some friendly competition and a lot more fun!
   4. Prizes: 45% of the prize pot will go to the person from team 1 with the highest % of weight loss at the end of 8 weeks and 45% to the winner on team 2. The remaining 10% of the pot will go to the winner from team 3 (the eliminated participants). This means that while you will be working together as a team this season, you will also be competing against one another within your own team for that prize!!
   
   (NOTE: All prizes are given after 10% is taken out of the pot for myself as insisted upon by you brats a few seasons back *grumbles*.  Thank you lol)
   5. Regarding weigh-ins:  We will still have mandatory weekly weigh-ins every Tuesday.  As for strikes...since this is a longer season I will allow 2 missed weigh-ins per person. That's 1 per month (or 2 in a row). On the 3rd missed weigh-in, you will be disqualified and you will not get your $ refunded. (You may continue to stay in the group and weigh-in but you will not be eligible to win any $) Remember that weigh-ins must be a picture of the # on your scale. Not just a post of your weight. This season I will also allow a picture of any weight watchers weigh in stickers as I know a few people in our group participate in those weekly weigh-ins and I know they are legit. Just make sure that you use the same scale all season.
   
   NOTE:  For those of us who are current group members returning for season 15...your starting weight will also be your final weight for season 14 as posted on October 14th.6. Before and After pictures are MANDATORY. The pictures may be with or without a shirt (you'll notice more of a change if you do it without), but they must be full body pictures. If your before picture is not submitted within the first week of competition, you will be disqualified. (If you submitted an "after" picture for season 14, that will count as your "before" picture for season 15) Those who win prizes at the end of the season will not receive their prize money until their after pictures have been submitted and must do so within 48 hrs of the winning announcement.
   NOTE: Newcomers to this group always worry that their pictures posted in the group will show up for the public to see.  This group is secret.  As long as you are on the group wall BEFORE posting your pictures, no one will see them but those in the group.  Your pictures will show up on your own feed when you view it, but I promise you no one else can see it!
   7. Starting and final weights will be confirmed with a KEY WORD.  This is to ensure that starting and ending pictures are truly taken on the day of the weigh-in and not before.  I will post the KEY WORD in this group the night before the first and last weigh-ins.  It should be written on a piece of paper or notecard and placed at your feet in the front of your scale before taking your picture.
   8. We will continue doing weekly challenges. After 14 seasons, I have to admit I'm very burnt out on ideas, but this season I will be planning all challenges. Ideas are always welcome though (My pregnancy brain is even less creative than my regular one!) Challenges will vary from individual to team ones. (Team ones are more fun!) Challenges are (usually) posted on Monday and will run from Tuesday through to the following Monday. They will be pinned at the top of the group feed as well as pasted onto the Challenges document under the “Files” tab.
   9. Remember that this group is about gaining health and losing weight through eating right and exercising. Extreme/fad diets are not allowed. Weight Watchers and things like that are fine, but no pills/drops/etc.
   10. This group is only for those who will be actively participating in the competition this season, so while I hope everyone will stick around, please know that if you choose not to join us this season, you will be removed from the group. You are always welcome to join us in later seasons :)

Mini-update

I'm feeling much better since my last blog post/long-winded whiny rant.  I honestly think that's why I wrote it in the first place.  I tend to feel much better after I get things down on paper (even if virtually so).  

I'm feeling much healthier in my relationship with food this week and am grateful for that.  I still have my cravings and I'm still enjoying certain things, but I'm not beating myself up over it like I was a week ago.  I did gain a lot of weight in my first trimester, but over the last 2 months, I've only gained about 3-5lbs...which is actually pretty great.  Average is a gain of 1 pound a week at this point in pregnancy, so I'll be happy if I can just keep up with that.

I've had so many wonderful friends and people at my gym who tell me I look amazing for being 6 months along and while my first instinct is to not believe them, I'm learning to trust that they're not just being nice and that maybe I'm not doing as horribly as I once thought.  As previously mentioned, I do seem to be gaining most of it in the right places, so hopefully it will come off quicker than I'm worried it will.

I had to go buy a few more items of maternity clothes this week and that helped boost my confidence a bit too.  Before pregnancy, I was fitting in size XL clothes from Old Navy.  I'm still able to do so as far as tops go, which is great. Unfortunately, I did have to make the jump from XL back up to 1X in pants (which was hard to do mentally after working so long to get out of plus size clothing) but I'm okay with it and I know it's not forever :)

26 weeks, 14 to go!  I have my glucose screening test with my midwife next week and everything is going great. Second trimester is pretty awesome.  Gonna go enjoy it before things get hard again!

Time to vent...

I gotta say...this hormonal pregnancy stuff is NOT my favorite part of growing a little life inside of me.  I'm pretty sure I hate it.  Things have been a bit rough for a few weeks now, but today felt a bit like a breaking point.  With actual tears and everything.  But maybe that's a good thing.

I'm not even sure I can really find the right words for how I'm feeling, but I'm going to try...mostly because I need to get it all out for my own sanity.  I know most people do/will roll their eyes when they realize I'm getting upset about my weight while I'm pregnant, and that's fine.  Roll away.  But if you had been on the journey I've been on and fought the mental and physical battles that I've fought with my weight and health...you'd understand why I feel the way I do.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and to date, I've gained about 30-35lbs depending on which scale I use or what time of day it is.  People say, "So what!  You're pregnant!  Enjoy it!  You're allowed to gain weight and eat what you want.  It will all come off quickly after the baby is born, etc."  And honestly, that's what people SHOULD say...because the last thing any normal person wants to do is piss off a pregnant woman by telling her she's fat or that she's gained too much weight.  So I get it.  But at the same time, that response only enables me to do what I had sworn at the beginning of my pregnancy..that I wouldn't do!  It's a tough balancing act.

To be fair, I do know that not all of those pounds gained are my fault.  I AM growing another human being inside of me, and that little guy takes up quite a bit of room already.  I also know, at least by the fit of my clothes and the way I look in the mirror/pictures, that I seem to be (for the most part anyway) gaining the weight in my belly and chest which is where it should be going.  But 30-35lbs is normal for an entire pregnancy.  And at this rate, it terrifies me to think of where I will be come the end of December.

Sure, I still work out regularly...modifying what I need to to keep myself and the baby safe.  And no, I'm not eating out 3 meals a day and enjoying an entire sheet cake in bed while I watch tv at night. It's not gotten THAT extreme.  But I'm finding that the will power and the drive that I had before just seems to be constantly eluding me.  Maybe I'm just tired. I eat a healthy breakfast pretty much every day.  Lunch too.  But the second I become responsible for feeding anyone but myself, it's like I forget how to do it.  I HATE cooking.  I mean seriously hate it.  If it takes me more than 10 minutes to prepare, I literally get angry at it lol  (again, I'm sure the hormones aren't helping here).  I just don't have the patience, the creativity, the know how...or the desire.  By the time dinner comes around, I'm just exhausted and I just plain don't wanna.  So my pregnancy becomes an excuse...and more often than not...I just don't do it.  Now before I get accused of being a horrible mother...I still feed my kids!! haha.  But we eat out more often than we should/can afford...or I throw a concoction in the crock pot...or they get spaghetti and garlic bread twice a week while I resort to a bowl of cereal.

BUT JILL!  You're pregnant!!!  Stop being so hard on yourself!

Yes, I know.  And you can keep saying that to me, but it won't change my brain's chemistry or suddenly make any of this easier.  My biggest fear from day 1 of this pregnancy was that once the baby comes, I will be back where I started with my weight (or close to it).  The weight is coming on faster now that the baby is growing exponentially and it absolutely terrifies me.  Even on the days when I feel like I've eaten healthy and exercised plenty...my body seems to hold onto the weight differently than it did before...like my weight gain has an unstoppable momentum.

I realize now that I'm rambling and all the thoughts/emotions inside are just spilling out in no particular order.  I'm sorry for that.  I just don't know what to do.  One day I'll turn to Nathan and tell him that I'm just going to stop stressing over my weight gain because my midwife will tell me if it's an issue and I'm just going to enjoy this pregnancy.  And then the next day I'll ride that mentality all the way to pizza hut, completely binge...and then wake up the next morning feeling guilty and realizing that I can't just "do whatever I want"...because while it might be more relaxing and enjoyable for the next 3 1/2 months...it will send me into a severe depression when January comes and I have 50+ pounds that I have to lose all over again.

I just wish I could find some sort of balance. That's all.  I never realized that being pregnant after such a huge weight loss would have so many of its own struggles to come with it.  But I guess it is just another lesson for me to learn.  More experiences for me to struggle through and overcome.  Maybe the balance should just be to have more good days than bad ones on any given week.  Because I will go crazy (and drive my family crazy in the process) if I can't find some happy medium in this pregnancy.

Funny thing is...I feel like I've become more obsessed over my weight while pregnant than I ever was while losing it in the first place. Maybe that should tell me something.

Vent over.

Unsolicited Advice...

I wanted to write this post a few days ago when this incident occurred, but I decided to do what my dad always taught me...which is to let myself calm down before writing/publishing something.  He's a smart man.  So lucky for you, there will be less swearing involved haha.

This past Saturday, I received a text from a Utah phone number that I didn't recognize.  I asked who the person was and got no response.  I am still unsure who wrote it.  Here's what it said (though, the text itself was in ALL CAPS)

":You are a strong woman who went from being weak to food to being addicted to micromanaging your weight.  You are beautiful and a great mother but your children and family are paying for your new addiction.  Enjoy life and all of your blessings. Your appearance is not as important as important as they are"  (typos were left in)

My initial reaction was along the lines of, "Who the hell are you to throw around sugar coated accusations?" Well...actually my initial reaction was, "Is this spam?" but those I've spoken to agree that it's far too personal to be spam.  I was angry.  Not knowing who sent it was the main reason for my anger.  As I told my friend Kate that day, "If I knew who it came from, at least I would know the context of my relationship and where they might have been coming from with these statements."  But I don't.  For whatever reason, this person felt that their words would be better received anonymously.  Because they have chosen not to reveal themselves and have a private conversation with me about their feelings, I'm resorting to a public blog where I can address what was said whether they choose to accept/acknowledge/understand it or not.

I will try to address this message one point at a time.  So here goes:

1) "You are a strong woman who went from being weak to food...."

I am still weak to food.  This has not changed.  I am, and will always be, a food addict.  I have a very hard time saying no to the things I love, and sometimes, even eating them in moderation isn't enough.  I still have bad days and I still binge on occasion.  Especially now that I'm 20 weeks pregnant...my food addiction seems to be 100 times worse!

2) "...to being addicted to micromanaging your weight."

First of all, this statement tells me that this person must not realize I'm pregnant.  And they also must not realize that in the past 4 months, I have gained 25lbs already.  Yes.  25.  I weighed in today in my weight loss group for the first time since getting pregnant and it was a wake up call.  So micromanaging my weight loss is the last thing I've been doing.  Yes, I run a weight loss group.  But the "management" I do in there is not just about the number on my scale or anyone elses.  Anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes in that group can tell you that it's about changing the way you live.  It's about learning a healthier lifestyle and learning to be happy with who you are. You can do those things and still celebrate the number on the scale going down.  It is not a crime to lose weight or to want to do so.  It is also not a crime for me to LOVE helping others do so.  If anything, that is what I'm addicted to.  I love watching other people change right before my eyes into someone that they WANT to be.  They work hard and it pays off.

If I were in fact micromanaging my weight, it wouldn't have taken me 2 1/2 years to lose 100lbs.  I would have broken into the 100's by now.  I would live at the gym.  I would obsess over every little calorie that went into my mouth.  I would spiral into fits of black depression anytime I gained an ounce.  I would never let chocolate pass my lips (among many other things which I promise have passed my lips on a far too regular basis haha).  I am simply living my life and trying to not do it mindlessly.  I am trying to be more conscious about what I am doing.

3) "You are beautiful and a great mother but your children and family are paying for your new addiction."

Thank you.  For the first time in my life, I DO feel beautiful.  And I DO feel like a great mother.  And you know why that is?  Because I changed my life, lost weight and became healthier.  My "addiction" to exercising and eating better has made me and my family happier than we've ever been together. Why?  Because I'm no longer the fat mom who sits on the sidelines while her family has all the fun.  I go on roller-coasters, I jump on the trampoline (when not pregnant anyway), I put on a swimsuit and go in the pool....I actually live my life now.  Instead of hiding away from the world in my bedroom with a bag of chips or on my computer in a game world where no one can see what I look like...I actually spend TIME with my family.  I went from being depressed, miserable and absolutely hating my life...to having happy, involved kids...real live friends...and a marriage that sees a lot more action than it ever did at 330lbs.  (Right baby? *winks*)  This is how my family is "paying for my new addiction."  And I won't ever go back.

4) " Enjoy life and all of your blessings. Your appearance is not as important as important as they are."

AMEN.  In case it wasn't clear enough in the last section...I am enjoying my life.  Finally.  I'm pregnant with my 4th child, I'm teaching Zumba, I'm going out with friends, I'm spending a lot of quality time with my family...and life is AMAZING!  My family is more important to me than anything else in this world.  If I had to weigh 600lbs to keep them, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  But luckily, I don't.  Yes, they are more important than my appearance, but it's true what they say about needing to learn to love yourself before you can truly love others.  And that's what I needed to do.  Of course, I have always loved my husband and my children!  Always!  But NOW...I love them better. Not more....BETTER.

So to the anonymous person who thinks they know me....maybe now you know me a little better.  I wish you a happy life with YOUR family.  May it be happy, healthy and full of all the things you want for yourself and for them.

Guest Post by the amazing, 104lbs smaller Lindsay!!!

Over the past (almost) 3 years, the members of Jilly's Losers have lost a LOT of weight.  I've seen people reach their goals, lose weight, get healthier, happier...and completely change their lives.  But for the first time in the history of my group (my own weight loss aside)...someone lost 100lbs.  And she did it in 7 months.

I asked Lindsay to share her story with not only me...but with the world (or the world that sees my blog anyway haha) and she didn't disappoint.  This had me in tears.  I see so much of myself in her and I see so many things that make me want to do even better.  Lindsay pushes me as well as the others in Jilly's Losers and I am so grateful to have met her.  I hope you enjoy reading her story as much as I did.  I can't wait to see where she goes from here!


"My Name is Lindsay..."

My name is Lindsay. I am a 29 year old female with a very handsome husband and 6 amazing children ages 1½, 2½, 5, 6, 7, and 8. I have worked 2 nights a week as a registered nurse since I had my first child 8 years ago. I have spent my married life caring for my home, my husband, my children, and forgetting about myself.

 I have struggled with my weight my WHOLE life. I have tried a lot of crazy diets like…all protein, no sweets, cleanses, etc…always able to lose 20lbs or so but always able to gain it back PLUS some.  I have spent my life as a “closet eater”.  From the time I was a young girl I would sneak food and eat it in private. I would hide food under my bed, in my back pack, or my pockets. My older brothers would make fun of me and how I looked and dressed or how much the car went down when I got in it. It hurt my feelings but obviously not enough to make me want to change. When I turned 16 and was able to drive and had my own money this “closet eating” got worse and I would eat in my car all the time. When I started early college at Weber State, as a senior in High School, it got even worse. I would drive to the grocery store late at night and buy a cake, put it in my backpack, and come home and eat it in my car or in my bed. I was an ADDICT...A FOOD ADDICT and I couldn’t stop. After I graduated high school, when I was at my heaviest (250lbs), my mom told me, “You better figure out a way to lose weight or we are going to a doctor in one month.”  I feared going to the doctor and what they would say so my mom and I joined a group called, CHOOSE TO LOSE. It was a group of women who got together weekly to weigh in and encourage each other to make healthy choices.  I lost 88 lbs by eating very little and exercising A LOT.  . However, I was still an addict to food.  I would do great for a few days and then have a “binge” day.  Like I said, I exercised A LOT.  I would walk up to 9 miles a day plus run on the treadmill after school and I loved Tae Bo.  If I had an awful binge I wasn’t afraid to force myself to puke it up.  I didn’t do this daily or even weekly but I did do it every once in a while.  I would hardly eat anything most days and definitely NO SWEETS and then I would break down and binge. So, YES, I lost 88 lbs but I did not do it in a healthy way.  I met my husband 2 months later and by the time we got married, 11 months after that, I was back to 220lbs. UGH!!  Too much eating out and hanging out and making out and not enough exercise. I became that “closet eater” once again (which was now even easier because I lived in my own home and did all the shopping) I would buy 3 boxes of Hostess Swiss Rolls (one of my favorites) and hide 2 of them so if I decided to eat the whole box I could replace them before my husband noticed they were all gone. We had our first baby 9 months later and my final weigh in of my pregnancy was 298lbs. Long story short…after my 2^nd baby I weighed 320lbs. I maintained that awful weight through the next 4 pregnancies. I always tried to lose weight but was never able to break that horrible 300lb barrier. 

My weight has kept me from doing so much!  Too big for airplanes, too big for amusement park rides (I actually got stuck in one of those turn styles that you have to go through to get on a ride…embarrassing), too big to fit comfortably in movie theatre chairs or regular arm chairs at a restaurant, too big to go swimming or go on a water slide.  My seat belt was at its max!!  As my kids have gotten older they have started to ask, “When can we go to Disneyland, Why can’t we go swimming?”  I knew I had to change!!  In fall of 2013 I ended up in the ER twice in one month for blood clots in my legs. I was sure the doctor would explain to me that obesity is a huge risk factor but he didn’t say anything! Why didn’t he say anything?  I had hit ROCK BOTTOM!  I was only 28 and I was going to die if I didn’t change.  He didn’t have to tell me that.

This is the same time my mom told my about Jilly’s Losers, a weigh in group like we had done before, but on Facebook.  I felt sick to my stomach….how could I share my weight with anyone?  I was at my heaviest…327lbs.  NOONE, except my OB/GYN knew how much I weighed and I didn’t want them to.  Finally, the day before the new season started, I decided this was how I was going to change. I WAS GOING TO DO IT!!!! I was tired of people telling me how “pretty my face was” or kids making fun of the size of my butt or telling my kids that they had a “fat mom.” I was tired of being unhappy! So I joined and I posted my before picture and my starting weight (one of the most humbling things I have ever done). I decided at the start that I was NOT going to do any crazy diets or give up sweets. I joined MY FITNESS PAL and started counting calories.  I started walking 3 miles a day, rain or snow. It was December and half the time I did it pushing 2-4 kids in a double stroller or even pushing the double stroller empty just so I wouldn’t slip on the ice. On really bad days I would drive to the mall and do my walk there. I did 20 minutes on my stationary bike (I had to sit on a pillow because it made my butt hurt so bad), and did my 8 minute Tae Bo workout video. I ate breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner.  I stopped eating after dinner and I drank A LOT of water. I have a huge 100 oz mug from Maverick that I kept full of ice water (which I love) and drank it every time I had a craving.  I was amazed after my first week when I had lost a whopping 8 lbs!! Yay!  I was doing it. I continued to count calories daily and never banned myself from treats. Birthday cake was ok and so was a small treat every once in a while. Eventually I started eating wheat bread instead of white, whole grain cereal instead of sugar cereal, brown rice instead of white, and skim milk instead of 1%.  My snacks went from chocolate and sugary treats to fruit, carrots, string cheese, wheat thins, trail mix, yogurt, and Quest bars.  I fought myself daily to stay on track. I forced myself to exercise even if it was 10pm after my kids had gone to sleep.  It all paid off…After my 1^st 8 week season I had lost 30lbs. Now, don’t get me wrong…I wasn’t perfect.  One day I ate a whole 12 pack of snack size milky ways (I think 830 calories) for lunch. I got depressed and mad at myself but I knew the only thing to do was rub it off and keep chugging. I got back on the wagon A LOT and the weight kept coming off.

As of today (7 months into my journey) I have lost 104lbs!!  I continue to follow the same routine… my daily exercise consists of walking 3-4 miles, 30minutes on the stationary bike, and a 25-30 minute circuit training workout video (I do a few different ones to change it up).  Of course there are days when I don’t fit it all in but I do my best. I have learned to love exercise and sweat!  I still eat every few hours and I drink tons of water.  I count my calories everyday and I continue to fight myself daily to stay on track with eating.  As long as I don’t ban myself from sweets all together I am ok.  A small treat here and there keeps me sane! Honestly, I thought the cravings would end but I have come to the realization that they most definitely will not!!  Food is an addiction, my addiction, and it takes constant will power and self control to control it. I keep my healthy treats stocked up and close by so I can grab them when the cravings come. I am feeling so good about myself and I love all the compliments I get from my family and my friends…It keeps me motivated.  We are going to Disneyland in September and I can’t wait.  I am so proud of myself.  I enjoy getting dressed and getting ready for the day.  I finally feel pretty. It’s like my life has started over!  I haven’t reached my goal weight yet and sometimes I get frustrated and tired of the journey because it is HARD, so HARD!  I literally had to have my husband stand by me last Sunday while I cleaned the kitchen because I felt like my self control was gone.  I was jittery and I wanted to eat everything in sight. I told him to stand by me and stop me if I tried to eat anything.  This happens often J and he is happy to help me…Thank goodness! When the scale doesn’t move as much as I think it should I want to quit. When I break down and eat 3 pieces of cake instead of the small one I started out with and when I give into my cravings, I feel like a failure. Then I stand up, start over, and remind myself that I AM IN CONTROL AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!!!! 

Jilly’s Losers has been my life saver, literally!  Weighing in each week keeps me on track.  I have lost consistently all 7 months and never POSTED a gain.  Yes, Jill, that’s right…I have indeed gained weight on my journey!  But if I see the gain in the middle of the week it motivates me to kick it up a notch and make sure I have a loss to post for the real weigh in the next Tuesday. I fight hard for those losses and I will keep fighting for my goal weight and, most importantly, for myself!!  I have found the me that has been lost under all that weight for so long and I wouldn’t give it up for anything!  

Where oh where has my will power gone...

When things are so rough that I don't want to write a blog about it...that's when I know I need to.  So I'm just going to say this quickly.  Rip off the proverbial bandaid.  Since finding out I was pregnant 8 weeks ago, I have gained 14lbs.  All of which were gained within a 6 week period.  (I've managed to maintain the past two weeks.)  There are a lot of reasons this happened, only a very small percentage is "because I'm growing another human being".

When the pregnancy test showed a positive, it was like some wires in my brain were immediately crossed and all of the healthy eating and exercise I'd spent the last 2 1/2 years working on went out the window.  Well not completely...but a lot of it.  At the time, I was still in the middle of a season of Jilly's Losers and I wasn't ready to tell my group, nor was I ready to give up and drop out.  So I kept weighing in and slowly saw a couple lbs more show up on the scale.  That was hard for me.  Being the leader of the group, I know based on past experience that when "I" am not doing well or am lacking motivation (and gaining weight)...others tend to follow suit.  It's hard to follow a leader who doesn't seem to be succeeding.  I know my group members will tell me I'm being silly and that it's not my fault if people have a bad week, but I am telling you...it doesn't help them.  I toughed out the rest of the season before deciding to tell them (a few weeks before telling the rest of the public world) that I was in fact pregnant.

As the next season began, I decided to sit it out.  I'm still running things, but I'm not eligible for any prizes and I'm not posting a public weight.  I had decided that having the group leader showing a slow gain of 15-30lbs over the next several months wasn't conducive to helping anyone else LOSE weight or become healthier.  Hopefully that was the right decision for my group, but for me...it's been my downfall.  Well...not downfall I guess.  It's not the end of the world.  I haven't regained 123lbs.  But as out of control as things have been, it certainly felt like the beginning of the end.  The problem with not having that weekly accountability is that I completely avoided the scale altogether.  I hear often that the scale shouldn't matter, etc etc...and yes, I KNOW that there is more to my health than the scale.  But for me and my mental health...stepping on the scale every week was a part of the equation that was keeping me in check.  I avoided it for a good month before finally deciding it was time to assess the damage.   And wow.

Before stepping on the scale, I had felt my will power go completely out the window.  Part of it was the "I'm pregnant, I can relax on my eating a bit and I should probably not spend 12 hours a week at the gym, right?" Well that was just silly because my midwife had okay'd me keeping up my exercise routine (minus anything high impact...darn, no jumping jacks) and obviously healthy eating is encouraged...especially during pregnancy.  But it was like something in my brain (and in my family's collective brain) decided it was party time wherever food was concerned. 90% of the time, I was nauseous and the thought of eating anything at all made me want to run to the bathroom.  But the 10% that I was feeling okay...I wasn't grabbing fruit and veggies and protein shakes. Nope.  I wanted sugar and fried cheesy goodness.  The thought of my hard boiled eggs or my green smoothies made me sick to my stomach.  So I used it as an excuse.  Sure, it's true that carbs (ie: saltines) were the only thing that even remotely settled my stomach...but I let that be the reason I ate wayyyyyyyyyy more than any person should.

So there was the cravings.  And then there was the emotional/stress eating.  I have always had problems with this.  Always.  But I'd gotten better at keeping it reigned in and not letting myself just say "screw it".  Well...after finding out I was pregnant, there were lots of emotions and stress thrown in all at once. Am I too old for this? Will the baby be healthy?  My youngest is 7 1/2, is this age gap going to be too big of a problem?  We have no baby stuff, what will we do?  How are we going to afford this? etc etc etc.  And food became my comfort.  Mostly sugar.

And then I stepped on that scale.  When I saw the number 224 beaming back at me it was like it was taunting me.  It was the very hard slap in the face that I needed.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I was about 210lbs.  The lowest I had gotten was 207, but I had had a few rough weeks already before finding out.  When I did find out, I had told myself I wouldn't let myself go over 230, because that is my 100lbs lost mark.  So when I saw 224, knowing I still have a LONG way to go...I panicked.  That was two weeks ago.

It has very much felt like starting all over again...even though it's not.  I realize that very soon here I'm going to have to switch to maternity clothes (as I gave away 90% of my bigger sizes already)...but when my cute size 16 jeans started becoming tight...I wanted to cry.  I am NOT going to repeat my first pregnancy.  I am NOT going to gain 90lbs because I don't feel worthy of something better.  I am NOT going to restart my entire journey all over again for this.  So I've gotten back into my workout routine as best I can.  That's the part I know should be a bit easier for me.  I never STOPPED working out, but I was lucky to hit Zumba twice a week.  This week will be better.  I'm already sore from a great HIIT workout on Saturday and this morning I'm off to lift weights with Dee.  Breakfast will go back to consisting of greek yogurt and muffins (or a little raisin bran maybe....I've been craving that 24/7 for some reason) and a protein shake or salad for lunch more often than not.  I will continue tracking my calories, but they will start including more fruits and veggies and less cupcakes and cookies.  I was 224 at my last visit to my midwife on June 9. By my 15 week visit on July 7, I'd like to be back below 220 if possible.

Now if only I could be okay with this growing out of my clothes thing.  Ugh.  Can I just say that after it taking 2 1/2 years go lose 3 cup sizes and 10 inches in my bust...I am NOT thrilled that they are growing again? Bras are NOT something I want to invest in again haha.  But I guess it is time to go find me a "Bellaband" or whatever those things are called that allow me to keep wearing my own jeans a little while longer. I'm not quite ready for the maternity switch.  I'm excited to be having a pregnancy where I'm healthy from the get go...but man, this is more of a mental game than it's ever been before.  So I need all the help I can get.  12 weeks down (as of tomorrow).  28 more to go.