New jeans...How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

So today was the day.  I wanted new jeans.  I earned new jeans.  I went to get new jeans.  Now I am no fashionista and I certainly am not going to spend hundreds of dollars on jeans that I'm determined to shrink out of so I went to Lane Bryant.  Good, fashionable clothes...not cheap, but not kill ya dead spendy either.  I used to be a size 28 in both tops and bottoms.  As I've lost weight, I've lost it from the top down.  Anyone who has seen my face is shocked at how much I've lost.  My chest has also shrunk, though still remains entirely too big for my taste.  My hips, butt and thighs however...have been much slower to follow suit.

I started fitting into size 18/20 (1X) tops about 6-9 months ago and was so excited.  But no matter what I did, I couldn't get below a size 22 pants.  So today I went into Lane Bryant and started looking for size 22's.  Being spring, their selection wasn't much and I was only able to find ONE PAIR.  Pouting, I went to the fitting room and put them on....more easily than expected.  Wait a minute...these fit...and are even a little big! What the crap!!  I was so excited.  I ran back out and started grabbing all the 20's I could find.  Needless to say I was dancing around the changing room like a little kid in a twirly dress, but man I was just so happy!!!  They went on without me having to suck it in or wiggle and jump into them from a high dive.  And it wasn't even just one particular style!  THEY ALL FIT!  I probably could have jammed myself into 18's if I wanted to go for "that kind of look", but I decided comfort was more important than size.  So I got my celebratory, sub-250lb jeans...and I love them.  I had to leave the store quickly before I went on a size 20 spending spree.  New clothes are just too much fun!  So here ya go...these are my new jeans.  Yes, I still have several sizes left to go, but hey...I'm WAY closer than I used to be!

It's okay to celebrate...

Yesterday I hit a pretty huge milestone in my weight loss.  But as I came home from the gym and stepped on the scale and went to tell those I loved...the news came of what happened in Boston and it just didn't seem as important anymore.  Seeing the horrific views of my beloved Boston..a place I spent most of my growing up and a place that holds so many memories for me...it just killed me.  But I realized today that I can mourn and pray for those back "home" and still celebrate my successes at the same time.  Those who were running that marathon were going after their own goals and dreams.  And that's what I'm doing here.  Reaching and working hard for for something I've always dreamed of.  So today, I'm celebrating my big success.

I finally broke 250 lbs.  The scale now stares back at me with a 248.2 and such a "big person number" has never made me so stinking happy.  When I realized yesterday that I had accomplished something I've been straining for and falling short of for the last year...I thought the scale was lying to me.  So I checked again..and then again.  And I had still broken that 250 barrier.  I screamed and smiled...and then I cried.  And then I called my husband and cried some more.  It's just a number.  This is silly right?  But gratitude just overwhelmed me and crying just couldn't be helped.  

Last March when I went to Boston to visit my family, I was at 267 lbs.  At the time, it was the lowest I'd been in over a decade and I was excited.  I was sure I'd be at my goal weight a year from then.  Little did I know that I had in fact hit a really big freaking wall. For almost an entire year, my weight fluctuated between 262 and 268 with a quick drop down into the mid 250's before jumping right back up after our trip to Florida this past January.  I was beyond frustrated.  I was working out 5-6 days a week and eating better than I had in years, but nothing was working.  

Then when I started this current round of Jilly's Losers, I found myself at 264 lbs and feeling like a failure. But this time was going to be different.  I swore it.  My group had swelled with all new members and it was like a brand new fire had been lit beneath us all.  Everyone was so excited and gung-ho and it just made me want to work that much harder.  But I knew that wanting to lose the weight and break through that wall..wasn't going to be enough.  Wanting it badly is important, sure...but not enough.  So I made some changes.  Most of which I've already blogged about.  I changed up my workout routine from doing the same cardio machines and weights to taking classes almost every day at the gym.  I got my sister, Heidi, to write me up some new strength training/cardio interval workouts as well and then I focused on where I knew I was going to need the most work.  My diet.

Sure, my eating is VERY different now than it was 2 years ago.  I don't keep soda in the house anymore, we haven't had white bread around in as long...we make things with ground turkey now instead of beef and I can no longer stomach a Big Mac like I used to (moment of silence please!).  But after losing a lot of weight, my body had adjusted and these changes were no longer enough *mutters*.  So over the last month especially, I've tripled the amount of veggies in my diet (spinach goes in EVERYTHING!) and cut WAYYYY back on my sodium.  I hadn't realized how much I was eating.  I used to eat Subway 3-4 times a week thinking I was being healthy with my 400 calorie meal (no cheese, no mayo, no soda...go me!)  And in comparison to other things...I was.  And for a long time, it helped. But now I look at the sodium in those 400 calories and holy crap.  I haven't been to Subway now in a few months.  But it's not just Subway, I realized.  "But Jill, this is stuff you should have already known!  DUH!"  You might be saying this...and maybe it's true.  But I was always paying attention to the calories and the fat content and the sugar.  Not the sodium!  Who knew!  Not me!  It's like I finally found the thing that was holding me back.  Sodium is now my nemesis!!!

So now when I put things into myfitnesspal.com, I still pay attention to my calories and my fat and my sugar...but my sodium intake has become much more important and just in the last 4 weeks alone, I have lost 12 pounds.  TWELVE!!!  That's a 3lb a week average and I haven't had that since I started all this!  I don't want to jinx it, but I really hope I can keep it up.  My biggest fear is that I'll bounce back up over 250 and have to re-lose it again.  But this is where my main "theme" of this blog was supposed to be (before I started ranting).  It's okay to celebrate....

BUT!  I need to change HOW I celebrate and I need to change WHEN.  I was talking with a couple girlfriends of mine from my weight loss group about this the other day and we realized that we all do it.  For a long time, we were celebrating the smaller things (2 lbs here, 1 lb there)...which is great...but we were doing it with FOOD!  We were yay'ing at our losses and splurging after our weigh'ins to pat ourselves on the back for sacrificing so much all week long, essentially sabotaging all our efforts in a single day.  It's important to celebrate the small steps, of course, but it can make you forget your long term goals and it can certainly hold you back from them for far longer than necessary.  Breaking 250 lbs was a long term goal that I had set.  It's one that most definitely deserves celebration and I fully intend to do so.  But I've learned my lesson.  No more Tuesday splurge day where I come home from a killer workout and plop on the couch with a 1500 calorie meal.  No more going out that night to whatever restaurant catches my eye and eating bottomless fries and a giant milkshake (I'm looking at you Red Robin!!!)  No more ordering pizza with cheese in the crust and eating 3 pieces WITH chicken strips AND a bottle of mountain dew...just because I had a great week and lost 3 lbs.  Nope!!!!  All that gets me is my pounds back and then some...and a massive food hangover the next morning.  So for my 250 lb celebration....I'm getting me a new pair of jeans!!!  Nice jeans.  Not cheap, Walmart jeans that I have to get because nothing else fits.  Jeans that look GOOD and cost me more than $20!!!!  Given, they'll only last me until I drop another pants size or two, but I'm okay with that.  Because I DESERVE IT :)  Now it's on to my next BIG goal.  Breaking 200!!!  48.2 lbs to go!

Accomplishments trump the scale

Since the number on my scale is still slightly above 250 (where it has been fluctuating for the past 8-10 months), I decided that this blog post won't be about the number so much as about other things I have accomplished that I never could before.

Since I haven't written in a while, we'll go back to Cami's wedding and our family reunion in Florida!  For the first time ever, I played a full 18 holes of golf with my parents and new brother-in-law, Matt.  We did use a cart, but I don't think anyone realizes how tiring 4-5 hours of golf can be, even with the cart!  It was so much fun and it felt great to finish it.  I can't wait to play more this summer when my mom comes to visit.  An even bigger "accomplishment" is what we did for Cami's bachelorette party.  You will laugh, but it was just pure awesome-sauce.  My sisters, Cami's best friend Cori and I all took Cami to a pole dancing class. This is something I never had the desire to do and was terrified of every moment until we got there that night.  250+ lb women should NOT be swinging around poles in stilletos.  They really shouldn't.  But I did.  And I did it well!!!  It was a killer workout, but it was SO MUCH FUN!  I don't know that it's something I'll ever use as a regular workout, but it's definitely an accomplishment.  I overcame a fear and had fun doing it.  So glad I sucked it up and went!

Another big accomplishment for me was taking my first group class at the gym.  I've always had a horrible fear of working out alongside other people with my fat flapping all around and sweating like crazy.  I was afraid I'd embarrass myself.  So I made a deal with myself that when I hit 250 lbs, I was going to go.  But the closer I got to 250, the more I found I was sabotaging my efforts and keeping just far enough from 250 that I never quite hit it.  After talking to a few friends I decided to just GO.  So I swallowed my fear and went to zumba.  I fell in love with it from the first class and have been going 2-3 times a week ever since.  I still haven't quite hit 250, but fear is no longer the reason.  I'm so grateful to have a new way to workout.  Treadmills get old!

My most recent one is something I have already shared, but will elaborate on a bit anyway because it was a huge one for me!  The challenge in Jilly's Losers this week was posted by my friend Shawna...and she challenged us all to do a mini-triathlon.  That's a 5K run/jog/walk, 14 miles on the bike and a mile in the pool.    Originally, the idea was to just split it up over the course of the week and to just get it all done however we wanted to.  I was good with that.  That would've been easy spread out over 7 days.  But then she added another challenge.  She would put even more money in the prize pot for anyone who did the entire thing in one sitting!  AND....offered an even bigger prize to anyone who could beat her time!  Now I was motivated.  But terrified.  That's a lot of working out.  Because of my chronic bronchitis, I can't run for very long and biking has never been a very fast thing for me either.  I knew the swimming would be the easiest for me, since I'd grown up doing that...so I decided to do that part last.  The night before, I had nightmares about doing this damn thing.  That's how terrified I was.  I wasn't sure I could push myself that hard for that long and I was just sure I was going to get sick or pass out.  But I woke up determined to at least try, even though I was sure I'd never finish.

I got on the treadmill and did my 5K in intervals.  I'd run for as long as I could stand and then walk until I was ready again...managing to finish 3.1 miles in just over 50 minutes.  My goal was to do it under an hour, so I was happy with that.  On the bike, I felt like my thighs were on fire the entire time and my butt was so sore I wanted to cry...but I finished 14 miles in an hour and I felt good about that too.  As I changed into my swimsuit for the last leg, I was already feeling like jello and red-faced and sweaty.  A lady in the locker room said to me, "If you get in that water, it's going to wear you out!"  I said, "Oh, I'm already worn out.  It'll be great."  haha.  And surprisingly, it was. The water felt good on my over-heated skin and I finally felt like I was in my element.  I'm no runner and I'm no cyclist...but I am most definitely a swimmer.  I've swam a mile a few times before and was always around the 42 minute mark.  But this time...I finished in 39 minutes.  I couldn't believe I set a personal best while already so worn out.  I felt like jello the rest of the day and my body refused to be satisfied by any amount of food for several hours afterward, but I had finished.  My time of 2 1/2 hours wasn't great by any means...but I FINISHED.  Not many people my size can say that.  I guess not many people smaller than me can say that either.  I was so proud of myself and I fully intend on doing it again sometime just to see if I can beat it.

So while my scale and I are in a disagreement about my weight...I know that I am still on the right road.  My life is SO very different now than it was at 330 lbs and when I want to throw my scale out the window...these are the things I need to remember and hold onto.  It may take me another couple of years to hit my goal weight, but I'm okay with that. Because there is so much more to this journey than a number.

New motivation!

So today I joined another weight loss challenge group on facebook.  You're probably thinking "Why?  Don't you already run one of those?"  Yes. Yes I do.  But one of the girls in my group has a group of her own and is doing a 6 week holiday blitz that I am hoping will be the extra push I need to get back on track!  I love running my own group, but I think it will also be nice to have something a little different...and something I don't have to stress over being in charge of!

The challenge for our first week in that group is to give up one bad habit and adopt one good one.  I chose to give up soda.  I gave it up once before and went months without it but for some reason I've gotten back into drinking it.  I don't drink it like water (like SOME people I know...HI FAMILY! haha) but I want to try to erase it from my diet again if I can.  The good habit I'm going to try and adopt for the week is NO eating after 8pm.  If I had to pick one thing that has always been the hardest for me and the biggest ruiner of my diet...it's eating late at night.  So no more late night burritos!!  And hopefully not just for this week!  They taste so good though :(  Stupid Betos.

As for my Jilly's Losers group, our challenge this week is to simply have everyone with a loss instead of a gain.  It sounds simple enough, but it's amazing what stress can do.  I gained 2.2 lbs this past week and it makes me really angry.  I worked out 5 days in the gym, but my eating was out of control.  If I hadn't gone to the gym I can only imagine how much higher that number would've been!  I'm glad that Thanksgiving will be here at home this year.  I'll have a lot more control over what's made and eaten and I think I'll be able to control myself a lot better.

Between these two groups, I'm really hoping to shed another 20 lbs before Cami's wedding.  I've got 2 months to do it.  It's completely possible.  I just need to do it.  No excuses.

Gotta buckle down...again.

I should thank my friend Angie for posting her own weight loss blog entry this week because it reminded me that hey...I have one of those!  I didn't realize that my last post was all the way back in JULY!  I really need to start writing again if for no other reason than it helps me to sort out my head and get back on track with my goals.

The good news is that I've now lost 71 lbs, but the bad news is that I've kind of been stuck there for a longgggg time.  I have exercise down to a science now, though I'll admit I'm bored of it lately.  I try to mix up different cardio machines with swimming laps...and regular weight lifting with circuit training but I'm just...bored.  It will be nice when spring comes again and it's warm enough to start doing more things outside.  I'm really starting to hate my gym..though at the same time, I miss it when I don't go.

Food, as always, is my enemy.  When I think I've kicked something, another weakness rears its head.  I can't seem to kick my habit of stress and comfort eating.  And it really doesn't help that my favorite Mexican place is open 24/7!!!  Late night burritos make for a very unhappy next morning.

My sister is getting married in 2 months.  Back when it was announced I thought, "Hey, this is great.  I have plenty of time to get down to 200 lbs and look hot in a dress!!"  And now I'm thinking, "I'm never going to fit into the size 18 dress I bought and I can't even seem to get under 250!!"  This "plateau" of mine is really really frustrating.  I guess I should be grateful that I finally got under 260 after being in the 260's for 6 months, but it's just not enough.

I keep telling myself to just take it 1 day at a time, but I can't seem to have more than 2-3 good days in a row.  I need a good WEEK.  It's been a long time since I had an entire week where I was in the gym 5-6 days and kept myself to that ONE indulgence day/meal.  I need to.  Badly.  Maybe then I'd see a weight change of more than .4 or .6 and it will motivate me to try even harder.  But I have to start somewhere...and it's Monday.

So off to the gym I go!

No longer on the sidelines...

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted.  I need to be better about that.  (Isn't that how all journal entries start haha).

Life here seems to have mostly gotten back to normal.  Nathan got his old job at Convergys back and the kids are all enrolled in school and we don't have to move...so there's been a lot less stress.  My weight loss is still hovering at 58 lbs, but I'm feeling a lot better about it than I was.  I'll tell you why!

When I really started losing my weight, I'd made a list of things I want to be able to do once I'd lost enough weight...preferrably this summer. Well over the past few weeks, my mom and my sister Heidi and her family have been in town.  And I got to cross a few of those things off my list!!

Over the past 10-12 years, I've always had to sit on the sidelines when my family went to amusement parks or did fun, physical activities because I was either too big to do them or just didn't have the energy.  It was always very depressing and I hated feeling so left out.  Well with 60 lbs less of me, it's amazing what I've been able to do in the past 3 weeks.  I may have a lot left to lose, but it felt wonderful to be able to celebrate how far I've come..with the people I love most!

On July 6, with all of my kids, my husband, my mother, my sister and her hubby and kids...not to mention a bunch of my Heaton cousins...I hiked the "Y" in Provo.  I've hiked it before, but not since I was much younger and much skinnier.  The last few times my mom took the kids, I sat it out and cheered them on when they got home.  This year, I was determined to do it, no matter how long it took me.  I had to use hiking sticks and I was the last one up and last one down...but I did it.  And it felt AMAZING!  Talk about a calorie burn.  I was sore for days, but I cannot tell you how immensely proud I felt when I was sitting at the top and looking out over the valley while the sun came up.  It was the most beautiful sight.  And next time, I aim to do it even faster :)

Later that same day, we took all the kids to Seven Peaks water park.  Also something I've done before, but usually as a spectator or someone in charge of watching the towels or babies. I couldn't fit in the inner tubes and was scared I'd break the slides or get hurt.  Not this time!!  Not only did my butt fit (YAY!), but I was able to keep up with the kids and go on almost every slide there was.  (I still avoided the tall, scary ones cause I hate them haha).  But it felt great and I wasn't worried about how fat I looked the whole time.  It sounds silly, but to me that was a huge deal.  I just had fun..and it was wonderful.

Then this past weekend we went to Lagoon Amusement Park!  Last summer, we took the kids and I walked around with my mom and watched the littler kids go on rides. It was hot and I was miserable and felt like crap the whole time.  I couldn't ride anything except for the ferris wheel and even then I was terrified something would break (which is silly, but anyway).  My goal for this summer was to lose enough weight to go to Lagoon with my kids and to ride on all the scary roller coasters with my oldest.  And I totally did it haha.  We did the upside down loopdey loops and scary, scream your guts out rides and I loved it!!  I did find that aging  has made me more susceptible to headaches and queasiness afterwards, but damned if I was gonna let that keep me from trying at least once haha.  Again, it probably sounds so silly...but to me...this was a huge deal.

I'm far from where I want to be but I am no longer sitting on the sidelines in my own life. I'm having fun with my kids and my husband and I'm living my life.  It's an incredible feeling and I don't know how I went for so long as a spectator.  I can't wait to reach some more of my goals and see all the other things I'm able to do then.  Next up....fit into the size 18 dress I bought for Cami's wedding!!!

Cracking under the pressure...

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but these past 4 days have felt like an eternity of pure hell.  My life...my family's life...has been turned upside down in a matter of days and I can feel my sanity cracking and splitting at the seams.

My husband got a job with a company in Canada and left to drive out there this past Wednesday (having been told what paperwork to bring and that he should be granted a work permit at the border without a problem).  Upon arriving at the Port Huron, MI entry into Canada, he was denied entrance.....twice. Why?  Because he doesn't have a college degree.  This wouldn't be a problem if the company that hired him had applied for the proper forms saying that he's needed badly enough that his certifications/experience are enough.  But no...they "thought" he'd be okay and didn't bother. So now we hang in limbo.  Nathan has already quit his old job and driven 1500 ish miles for this new job only to be told he can't do it just yet?  It will take AT LEAST 2 weeks for these papers to come through...assuming they're approved.  But what do we do in the meantime?

The amount of stress I feel (and Nathan feels) right now is like nothing I have ever felt in my life and I find myself breaking down in tears without warning because I just can't handle it.  If this new job is such a great opportunity for him and for us..why has it been such a bumpy freaking road from the very beginning?  Why does the ball keep getting dropped at every turn?  Is it a sign?  Last night I prayed for the first time in what seemed like ages.  I am glad that Heavenly Father understands sobbing and mumbling because that's about all I could manage.  I didn't pray for any sort of specific outcome...just for some peace of mind, strength and the knowledge to know what's best for our family at this point.  And still I can't stop crying.

What makes all of this worse is that it is very rapidly undoing all the hard work I have put into my weight loss over the past 9 months.  My 63 lb weight loss is now a 58 lb. weight loss and probably still declining.  I keep convincing myself that my lack of workouts is because of injuries (which is true to a degree...shoulder and shin), but I know better. I'm talking myself out of it because I'm upset and worried about other things and I keep telling myself I'll worry about it when this stuff gets sorted out.  But in the meantime, it's caused my eating to go to absolute crap and my sleep on top of that. It's true what they say...stress causes weight gain.  Big time.  And the weight gain only hurls me into depression which causes me to eat even more.  I don't want this!  I don't want to go back there!  I hated THERE.  I hated who I was THERE.

Having to weigh in with my Jilly's Losers every week is normally a great motivator.  But this week it just makes me feel like a failure. I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to set the example and show them "it can be done" and all that motivational stuff...right?  But tomorrow when I step on that scale and it's up another pound or two, what am I showing them?  I know their weight loss journey isn't my responsibility, but sometimes it's hard not to feel like it's on my shoulders if I gain weight and others follow suit.  Silly right?

I've worked too hard for this.  Nathan has worked too hard for this.  We've both come so far...why is it all crumbling suddenly???  And how the hell do we fix it!!  I just want my family to be happy.  I just want a goal to work towards. And it's hard to do that when you don't even know which direction your facing.  Hopefully the world stops spinning soon and we can all regain our footing.

Sorry for the dramatic rant, but hey...it's my blog right?  And I feel a bit better now.  Time to try and sleep.