2 goals, 1 week!

I love reaching goals.  It used to be that I only had one goal.  "Get to 150-160 lbs....ready go."  But after trying every diet known to man, I kind of realized there had to be some smaller steps taken to get me to that HUGE goal of losing 180 lbs.  180 lbs...wow that's a lot.  But anyway!  I started setting smaller goals...things like "Break 300 lbs" or "Try a class at the gym" or "Run a mile without stopping."  That last one was especially hard for me to reach (which I did about a year ago) due to my chronic bronchitis and still gives me a really hard time now.

I belong to another weight loss group run by my great friend Angie...and she belongs to Jilly's Losers.  Running these groups and joining each other's has been a great motivation for both of us.  And it's given me double the chance to set goals for myself.  At the beginning of her current "season" she asked us all to set a goal to be achieved within the 12 weeks that the season runs.  In the past, I've always chosen a number. I want to reach such and such a weight.  And it's never quite pushed me as hard as I would've liked. So this time around, I told her that I wanted to run/jog a sub 14 minute mile.  I'm sure some of you are laughing and saying "I can walk faster than that!!"  And honestly, I probably can too.  But I wanted to RUN.  And running takes a lot out of me.

My last mile time was taken in February at the beginning of Jilly's Losers season 5 when I challenged everyone to a fitness test (that we're now repeating in our final week to see our progress).  My time in Feb. was 14:40.  That was better than my then "best" of about 15 mins so I was happy with that.  So when I set my goal of beating 14 mins, I thought "This is going to kill me, but I'm going to try it anyway."  And then I got so into zumba that my running training fell flat.

Then my foot started to hurt and I knew I was going to have to come up with another goal.  So I talked to Angie and decided to instead try and beat my best time at a mile in the pool.  I got in a few good, hard workouts in the pool and when this week came I decided to give it a shot.  I pushed myself harder than I have in probably 20 years and I beat my time by a whole minute.  I had reached the goal I set for Angie's group and I was ready to find a new one to move onto.

But then I posted the challenge in my own group.  Time to redo the fitness challenge from 3 months ago.  I'd lost 8 inches total (chest, waist, hips, thighs) and upped my pushups by 10!!  The only thing left was crunches and the mile.  I could have used the "Dr. said I shouldn't" excuse and sat it out, but I'm kinda stubborn....and it's just one mile, right?  So today I decided to suck it up and just go.  I hopped on the treadmill, race-walked for a minute and then started to run.  A 4.8 speed sounds like a joke to most of the people I know, but my lungs disagree.  I ran for 3 minutes then race-walked again....ran for 3 and walked once more.  As I got closer to the finish line I realized I was on track to get that sub 14 minute mile I so badly wanted so I upped my speed one more notch and ran the rest of the way..my eyes on that timer, willing it to slow down.  (I'd like to add that I forgot my headphones today, so I had NO music to inspire me.  It sucked!)

13:43.  I couldn't believe it.  I had taken 57 seconds off my time from just 3 months ago.  I was huffin' and puffin' like nobody's business and you'd think I'd just run a marathon, but I did it.  Two goals in one week.  One day I hope to run a mile under 10 mins and I fully intend on reaching 150-160 lbs...but those are long term goals and I don't need to worry about them right now.  One step at a time is all it takes.  Even if they're little ones.

Setbacks...

I'd mentioned in a Facebook post last week that my Dr. had diagnosed me with plantar fasciitis in my right foot.  What I didn't get into is just how much that diagnosis has upset me and felt like a setback.

I've had friends get this diagnosis before and heard the horrible stories about how they can't walk, let alone workout.  When my foot first started to hurt me, I honestly prayed that it was a stress fracture because at least that would be fixable.  I avoided going to the Dr. because I didn't want to hear that I had to ease up for a few months.  I didn't want to hear "You need to stop working out so hard."  In the past, I would've loved something like this from a Dr.  It's an excuse to avoid the gym!  It's an excuse to mope around and eat what I want and gain a few lbs. without feeling guilty because well...the doctor told me I had to take it easy so there!

However...I didn't get where I am by sitting around and avoiding the gym and eating what I want.  I've worked painfully hard to lose my 82 lbs and I know how much of that came from working out 5-6 days a week...every week.  My "typical" week usually goes like this:

Monday: 1 hour of zumba, 30 mins run/walk intervals on treadmill
Tuesday: 1 hour of zumba, 30 mins intervals on elliptical, 2 hours of volleyball
Wednesday: Rest or light walk
Thursday: 1 hour of zumba
Friday: 1 hour of yoga, 30 mins on treadmill or elliptical
Saturday and Sunday: resistance/cardio intervals and whatever else I'm in the mood for

Working out is the "easy" part of my weight loss journey now.  I used to HATE it, but now it's the air I breathe.  What scared me the most about this diagnosis is the realization that I'll have to focus that much more intensely on the diet part...on my eating.  As previously mentioned, I've gotten a lot better about what I eat and how much, but I'm far from perfect.  And without the ability to go all out and sweat my ass off in the gym...I'm terrified that if I'm NOT perfect with my food...I'll see the # on the scale start to rise again.

So I ignored my foot.  For 3 weeks, I kept pushing myself and ignored the twinges of pain until I just couldn't take it anymore.  So a few x-rays later, I got my expected diagnosis...and I wanted to cry.  Sure, he told me I can swim...which I love...but doing it every day is not something I would enjoy.  And if I don't enjoy a workout, I'm not going to do it.  But he flat out told me NO to volleyball and NO to running.  I suck at running, so I wasn't TOO sad about that (though it's a great calorie burner for me)...but taking away my favorite workout of the week was just cruel!!  I asked him if I could still do zumba or if it would make it worse.  He said, "Well...you can do it, but you'll know pretty quick if it was a bad idea."

So maybe I'll have to ice and stretch a bit more often, but I decided to keep my zumba.  I went to class today and it felt GREAT!  I know that I need to listen to my body and not overdo it, and I've promised myself I'll do that.  But I've also promised myself that I will do my very best to not let this become...a setback.  Part of me thinks maybe it's even a blessing in disguise as it's really honed me in on my eating habits and taught me even more about what things I can eat without a problem and what things will send that # soaring.  I'm slowly learning to ignore my cravings and late night fast food urges...and I've even started a counter on my phone for days that I've gone without a food binge.

So yes, this whole foot thing SUCKS and part of me wonders why I'm having so many health issues now that I'm healthier and smaller.  But I know that this is all just a bump in the road.  I'm a happier person.  Period.  And I'm not going to let this be the thing that sends me back down that slippery slope into the 300's+.  Been there, done that...threw away the t-shirt.

New jeans...How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

So today was the day.  I wanted new jeans.  I earned new jeans.  I went to get new jeans.  Now I am no fashionista and I certainly am not going to spend hundreds of dollars on jeans that I'm determined to shrink out of so I went to Lane Bryant.  Good, fashionable clothes...not cheap, but not kill ya dead spendy either.  I used to be a size 28 in both tops and bottoms.  As I've lost weight, I've lost it from the top down.  Anyone who has seen my face is shocked at how much I've lost.  My chest has also shrunk, though still remains entirely too big for my taste.  My hips, butt and thighs however...have been much slower to follow suit.

I started fitting into size 18/20 (1X) tops about 6-9 months ago and was so excited.  But no matter what I did, I couldn't get below a size 22 pants.  So today I went into Lane Bryant and started looking for size 22's.  Being spring, their selection wasn't much and I was only able to find ONE PAIR.  Pouting, I went to the fitting room and put them on....more easily than expected.  Wait a minute...these fit...and are even a little big! What the crap!!  I was so excited.  I ran back out and started grabbing all the 20's I could find.  Needless to say I was dancing around the changing room like a little kid in a twirly dress, but man I was just so happy!!!  They went on without me having to suck it in or wiggle and jump into them from a high dive.  And it wasn't even just one particular style!  THEY ALL FIT!  I probably could have jammed myself into 18's if I wanted to go for "that kind of look", but I decided comfort was more important than size.  So I got my celebratory, sub-250lb jeans...and I love them.  I had to leave the store quickly before I went on a size 20 spending spree.  New clothes are just too much fun!  So here ya go...these are my new jeans.  Yes, I still have several sizes left to go, but hey...I'm WAY closer than I used to be!

It's okay to celebrate...

Yesterday I hit a pretty huge milestone in my weight loss.  But as I came home from the gym and stepped on the scale and went to tell those I loved...the news came of what happened in Boston and it just didn't seem as important anymore.  Seeing the horrific views of my beloved Boston..a place I spent most of my growing up and a place that holds so many memories for me...it just killed me.  But I realized today that I can mourn and pray for those back "home" and still celebrate my successes at the same time.  Those who were running that marathon were going after their own goals and dreams.  And that's what I'm doing here.  Reaching and working hard for for something I've always dreamed of.  So today, I'm celebrating my big success.

I finally broke 250 lbs.  The scale now stares back at me with a 248.2 and such a "big person number" has never made me so stinking happy.  When I realized yesterday that I had accomplished something I've been straining for and falling short of for the last year...I thought the scale was lying to me.  So I checked again..and then again.  And I had still broken that 250 barrier.  I screamed and smiled...and then I cried.  And then I called my husband and cried some more.  It's just a number.  This is silly right?  But gratitude just overwhelmed me and crying just couldn't be helped.  

Last March when I went to Boston to visit my family, I was at 267 lbs.  At the time, it was the lowest I'd been in over a decade and I was excited.  I was sure I'd be at my goal weight a year from then.  Little did I know that I had in fact hit a really big freaking wall. For almost an entire year, my weight fluctuated between 262 and 268 with a quick drop down into the mid 250's before jumping right back up after our trip to Florida this past January.  I was beyond frustrated.  I was working out 5-6 days a week and eating better than I had in years, but nothing was working.  

Then when I started this current round of Jilly's Losers, I found myself at 264 lbs and feeling like a failure. But this time was going to be different.  I swore it.  My group had swelled with all new members and it was like a brand new fire had been lit beneath us all.  Everyone was so excited and gung-ho and it just made me want to work that much harder.  But I knew that wanting to lose the weight and break through that wall..wasn't going to be enough.  Wanting it badly is important, sure...but not enough.  So I made some changes.  Most of which I've already blogged about.  I changed up my workout routine from doing the same cardio machines and weights to taking classes almost every day at the gym.  I got my sister, Heidi, to write me up some new strength training/cardio interval workouts as well and then I focused on where I knew I was going to need the most work.  My diet.

Sure, my eating is VERY different now than it was 2 years ago.  I don't keep soda in the house anymore, we haven't had white bread around in as long...we make things with ground turkey now instead of beef and I can no longer stomach a Big Mac like I used to (moment of silence please!).  But after losing a lot of weight, my body had adjusted and these changes were no longer enough *mutters*.  So over the last month especially, I've tripled the amount of veggies in my diet (spinach goes in EVERYTHING!) and cut WAYYYY back on my sodium.  I hadn't realized how much I was eating.  I used to eat Subway 3-4 times a week thinking I was being healthy with my 400 calorie meal (no cheese, no mayo, no soda...go me!)  And in comparison to other things...I was.  And for a long time, it helped. But now I look at the sodium in those 400 calories and holy crap.  I haven't been to Subway now in a few months.  But it's not just Subway, I realized.  "But Jill, this is stuff you should have already known!  DUH!"  You might be saying this...and maybe it's true.  But I was always paying attention to the calories and the fat content and the sugar.  Not the sodium!  Who knew!  Not me!  It's like I finally found the thing that was holding me back.  Sodium is now my nemesis!!!

So now when I put things into myfitnesspal.com, I still pay attention to my calories and my fat and my sugar...but my sodium intake has become much more important and just in the last 4 weeks alone, I have lost 12 pounds.  TWELVE!!!  That's a 3lb a week average and I haven't had that since I started all this!  I don't want to jinx it, but I really hope I can keep it up.  My biggest fear is that I'll bounce back up over 250 and have to re-lose it again.  But this is where my main "theme" of this blog was supposed to be (before I started ranting).  It's okay to celebrate....

BUT!  I need to change HOW I celebrate and I need to change WHEN.  I was talking with a couple girlfriends of mine from my weight loss group about this the other day and we realized that we all do it.  For a long time, we were celebrating the smaller things (2 lbs here, 1 lb there)...which is great...but we were doing it with FOOD!  We were yay'ing at our losses and splurging after our weigh'ins to pat ourselves on the back for sacrificing so much all week long, essentially sabotaging all our efforts in a single day.  It's important to celebrate the small steps, of course, but it can make you forget your long term goals and it can certainly hold you back from them for far longer than necessary.  Breaking 250 lbs was a long term goal that I had set.  It's one that most definitely deserves celebration and I fully intend to do so.  But I've learned my lesson.  No more Tuesday splurge day where I come home from a killer workout and plop on the couch with a 1500 calorie meal.  No more going out that night to whatever restaurant catches my eye and eating bottomless fries and a giant milkshake (I'm looking at you Red Robin!!!)  No more ordering pizza with cheese in the crust and eating 3 pieces WITH chicken strips AND a bottle of mountain dew...just because I had a great week and lost 3 lbs.  Nope!!!!  All that gets me is my pounds back and then some...and a massive food hangover the next morning.  So for my 250 lb celebration....I'm getting me a new pair of jeans!!!  Nice jeans.  Not cheap, Walmart jeans that I have to get because nothing else fits.  Jeans that look GOOD and cost me more than $20!!!!  Given, they'll only last me until I drop another pants size or two, but I'm okay with that.  Because I DESERVE IT :)  Now it's on to my next BIG goal.  Breaking 200!!!  48.2 lbs to go!

Accomplishments trump the scale

Since the number on my scale is still slightly above 250 (where it has been fluctuating for the past 8-10 months), I decided that this blog post won't be about the number so much as about other things I have accomplished that I never could before.

Since I haven't written in a while, we'll go back to Cami's wedding and our family reunion in Florida!  For the first time ever, I played a full 18 holes of golf with my parents and new brother-in-law, Matt.  We did use a cart, but I don't think anyone realizes how tiring 4-5 hours of golf can be, even with the cart!  It was so much fun and it felt great to finish it.  I can't wait to play more this summer when my mom comes to visit.  An even bigger "accomplishment" is what we did for Cami's bachelorette party.  You will laugh, but it was just pure awesome-sauce.  My sisters, Cami's best friend Cori and I all took Cami to a pole dancing class. This is something I never had the desire to do and was terrified of every moment until we got there that night.  250+ lb women should NOT be swinging around poles in stilletos.  They really shouldn't.  But I did.  And I did it well!!!  It was a killer workout, but it was SO MUCH FUN!  I don't know that it's something I'll ever use as a regular workout, but it's definitely an accomplishment.  I overcame a fear and had fun doing it.  So glad I sucked it up and went!

Another big accomplishment for me was taking my first group class at the gym.  I've always had a horrible fear of working out alongside other people with my fat flapping all around and sweating like crazy.  I was afraid I'd embarrass myself.  So I made a deal with myself that when I hit 250 lbs, I was going to go.  But the closer I got to 250, the more I found I was sabotaging my efforts and keeping just far enough from 250 that I never quite hit it.  After talking to a few friends I decided to just GO.  So I swallowed my fear and went to zumba.  I fell in love with it from the first class and have been going 2-3 times a week ever since.  I still haven't quite hit 250, but fear is no longer the reason.  I'm so grateful to have a new way to workout.  Treadmills get old!

My most recent one is something I have already shared, but will elaborate on a bit anyway because it was a huge one for me!  The challenge in Jilly's Losers this week was posted by my friend Shawna...and she challenged us all to do a mini-triathlon.  That's a 5K run/jog/walk, 14 miles on the bike and a mile in the pool.    Originally, the idea was to just split it up over the course of the week and to just get it all done however we wanted to.  I was good with that.  That would've been easy spread out over 7 days.  But then she added another challenge.  She would put even more money in the prize pot for anyone who did the entire thing in one sitting!  AND....offered an even bigger prize to anyone who could beat her time!  Now I was motivated.  But terrified.  That's a lot of working out.  Because of my chronic bronchitis, I can't run for very long and biking has never been a very fast thing for me either.  I knew the swimming would be the easiest for me, since I'd grown up doing that...so I decided to do that part last.  The night before, I had nightmares about doing this damn thing.  That's how terrified I was.  I wasn't sure I could push myself that hard for that long and I was just sure I was going to get sick or pass out.  But I woke up determined to at least try, even though I was sure I'd never finish.

I got on the treadmill and did my 5K in intervals.  I'd run for as long as I could stand and then walk until I was ready again...managing to finish 3.1 miles in just over 50 minutes.  My goal was to do it under an hour, so I was happy with that.  On the bike, I felt like my thighs were on fire the entire time and my butt was so sore I wanted to cry...but I finished 14 miles in an hour and I felt good about that too.  As I changed into my swimsuit for the last leg, I was already feeling like jello and red-faced and sweaty.  A lady in the locker room said to me, "If you get in that water, it's going to wear you out!"  I said, "Oh, I'm already worn out.  It'll be great."  haha.  And surprisingly, it was. The water felt good on my over-heated skin and I finally felt like I was in my element.  I'm no runner and I'm no cyclist...but I am most definitely a swimmer.  I've swam a mile a few times before and was always around the 42 minute mark.  But this time...I finished in 39 minutes.  I couldn't believe I set a personal best while already so worn out.  I felt like jello the rest of the day and my body refused to be satisfied by any amount of food for several hours afterward, but I had finished.  My time of 2 1/2 hours wasn't great by any means...but I FINISHED.  Not many people my size can say that.  I guess not many people smaller than me can say that either.  I was so proud of myself and I fully intend on doing it again sometime just to see if I can beat it.

So while my scale and I are in a disagreement about my weight...I know that I am still on the right road.  My life is SO very different now than it was at 330 lbs and when I want to throw my scale out the window...these are the things I need to remember and hold onto.  It may take me another couple of years to hit my goal weight, but I'm okay with that. Because there is so much more to this journey than a number.

New motivation!

So today I joined another weight loss challenge group on facebook.  You're probably thinking "Why?  Don't you already run one of those?"  Yes. Yes I do.  But one of the girls in my group has a group of her own and is doing a 6 week holiday blitz that I am hoping will be the extra push I need to get back on track!  I love running my own group, but I think it will also be nice to have something a little different...and something I don't have to stress over being in charge of!

The challenge for our first week in that group is to give up one bad habit and adopt one good one.  I chose to give up soda.  I gave it up once before and went months without it but for some reason I've gotten back into drinking it.  I don't drink it like water (like SOME people I know...HI FAMILY! haha) but I want to try to erase it from my diet again if I can.  The good habit I'm going to try and adopt for the week is NO eating after 8pm.  If I had to pick one thing that has always been the hardest for me and the biggest ruiner of my diet...it's eating late at night.  So no more late night burritos!!  And hopefully not just for this week!  They taste so good though :(  Stupid Betos.

As for my Jilly's Losers group, our challenge this week is to simply have everyone with a loss instead of a gain.  It sounds simple enough, but it's amazing what stress can do.  I gained 2.2 lbs this past week and it makes me really angry.  I worked out 5 days in the gym, but my eating was out of control.  If I hadn't gone to the gym I can only imagine how much higher that number would've been!  I'm glad that Thanksgiving will be here at home this year.  I'll have a lot more control over what's made and eaten and I think I'll be able to control myself a lot better.

Between these two groups, I'm really hoping to shed another 20 lbs before Cami's wedding.  I've got 2 months to do it.  It's completely possible.  I just need to do it.  No excuses.

Gotta buckle down...again.

I should thank my friend Angie for posting her own weight loss blog entry this week because it reminded me that hey...I have one of those!  I didn't realize that my last post was all the way back in JULY!  I really need to start writing again if for no other reason than it helps me to sort out my head and get back on track with my goals.

The good news is that I've now lost 71 lbs, but the bad news is that I've kind of been stuck there for a longgggg time.  I have exercise down to a science now, though I'll admit I'm bored of it lately.  I try to mix up different cardio machines with swimming laps...and regular weight lifting with circuit training but I'm just...bored.  It will be nice when spring comes again and it's warm enough to start doing more things outside.  I'm really starting to hate my gym..though at the same time, I miss it when I don't go.

Food, as always, is my enemy.  When I think I've kicked something, another weakness rears its head.  I can't seem to kick my habit of stress and comfort eating.  And it really doesn't help that my favorite Mexican place is open 24/7!!!  Late night burritos make for a very unhappy next morning.

My sister is getting married in 2 months.  Back when it was announced I thought, "Hey, this is great.  I have plenty of time to get down to 200 lbs and look hot in a dress!!"  And now I'm thinking, "I'm never going to fit into the size 18 dress I bought and I can't even seem to get under 250!!"  This "plateau" of mine is really really frustrating.  I guess I should be grateful that I finally got under 260 after being in the 260's for 6 months, but it's just not enough.

I keep telling myself to just take it 1 day at a time, but I can't seem to have more than 2-3 good days in a row.  I need a good WEEK.  It's been a long time since I had an entire week where I was in the gym 5-6 days and kept myself to that ONE indulgence day/meal.  I need to.  Badly.  Maybe then I'd see a weight change of more than .4 or .6 and it will motivate me to try even harder.  But I have to start somewhere...and it's Monday.

So off to the gym I go!