What goes up must come down...

My last few posts have been all "I'm not going to let this beat me!" and "I can do anything!" and "It's gonna be okay!"

Well this one's not.

I try to only write posts that will inspire and motivate those who read them and then tend to go silent when I'm going through a tough time. But a friend pointed out that the bad times are when I need this blog the most. So I guess I'm hoping that by writing some things down, I will get through this rough patch faster and get back to the "I can do anything" attitude that I need to survive these next few months.

Being broken SUCKS. I mean...it really sucks. Yes. I realize there are people in this country and in the world that have it far worse than I do and I am sympathetic to that. But I am a firm believer that it's okay to still be upset about our own bad days despite them maybe not being as bad as someone else's. It's not a competition. And anyone who tells you to "suck it up, it could be worse" could use a little sympathy themselves.

That being said..back to my tantrum. I've been pretty good at hiding it on the outside, but I sunk into a pretty nasty depression over the past few days. I've barely gotten out of bed (though I'm not really supposed to anyway I guess), I've been emotionally eating more than my share of M&M's and cheetos, and I've snapped at people for no reason. I've just...been angry.

I'm angry. I'm frickin' pissed frankly. But maybe with more colorful language.

I HATE being stuck at home in bed (or in the recliner).
I hate that going to the bathroom/showering is basically an acrobatic act.
I hate that I can't do anything without help. (You should see me going up the stairs from the car to the house hahaha)
I hate that my 2 year old is bored to death during the day because mommy just sits there and can't run around with him while everyone else is gone/working.
I hate that my house is a disaster area 90% of the time despite how hard my hubby and kids are working to pick up my slack.
I hate that my amazing husband has to be both the dad AND the mom and take care of me like I'm a 5th child.
I hate that I can't get a good night's sleep.
I hate that I'm in pain most of the time.
I hate that I have to practically live in pajamas because I can't get anything else over my splint/cast.
I HATE HATE HATE that I can't go to the gym.
I hate that I can't be there to teach my Zumba and HIIT classes and probably won't be for a very long time.
I hate that yet again I'm missing a season of volleyball (I play in a league with the most amazing women).
I hate that after the years it took me to get outside of myself and my house to make some friends, I'm stuck back inside alone, staring at a screen most of the day. The days my friends do visit are the absolute best and I'm so lucky to have friends like that.
I hate that I can't drive. I love driving. Not to mention I get headaches/carsick when I'm not in the driver's seat.
I just hate being broken.

I'm sure I could list many more things that have weighed me down these past 3 weeks, but reading back over this I'm just starting to feel like I'm whining and I hate that. I don't want to be that person. I really don't like feeling this way. But I do. It's going to be a long 3 months and it's overwhelming to realize how long that is and how much can happen in that amount of time.

I finally made Nathan take me to church yesterday, wheelchair and all, because I NEEDED something to uplift me. I needed to be surrounded by the spirit I feel when I'm there. I needed to see and hug all my sweet, wonderful primary kids who I've missed teaching more than I thought possible. I needed to do something NORMAL. And it felt wonderful. It was exhausting (and painful towards the end...3+ hrs is a long time), but I'm so glad I went. It was what I needed.

I know things will get better. I know it may be a while, but they will. I am SO grateful for all of the support and help I have had from friends and especially from my husband and children. I am truly blessed to have so many people who love me. I'm overwhelmed by the kind gestures, the dinners, the surprise visits and gifts, the texts and phone calls. I can't imagine how much worse off I'd be without those things and all these amazing people in my life.

This too shall pass. I know. But thank you for letting me vent. Hopefully it won't happen again for a while ;)