Guest Post by the amazing, 104lbs smaller Lindsay!!!

Over the past (almost) 3 years, the members of Jilly's Losers have lost a LOT of weight.  I've seen people reach their goals, lose weight, get healthier, happier...and completely change their lives.  But for the first time in the history of my group (my own weight loss aside)...someone lost 100lbs.  And she did it in 7 months.

I asked Lindsay to share her story with not only me...but with the world (or the world that sees my blog anyway haha) and she didn't disappoint.  This had me in tears.  I see so much of myself in her and I see so many things that make me want to do even better.  Lindsay pushes me as well as the others in Jilly's Losers and I am so grateful to have met her.  I hope you enjoy reading her story as much as I did.  I can't wait to see where she goes from here!


"My Name is Lindsay..."

My name is Lindsay. I am a 29 year old female with a very handsome husband and 6 amazing children ages 1½, 2½, 5, 6, 7, and 8. I have worked 2 nights a week as a registered nurse since I had my first child 8 years ago. I have spent my married life caring for my home, my husband, my children, and forgetting about myself.

 I have struggled with my weight my WHOLE life. I have tried a lot of crazy diets like…all protein, no sweets, cleanses, etc…always able to lose 20lbs or so but always able to gain it back PLUS some.  I have spent my life as a “closet eater”.  From the time I was a young girl I would sneak food and eat it in private. I would hide food under my bed, in my back pack, or my pockets. My older brothers would make fun of me and how I looked and dressed or how much the car went down when I got in it. It hurt my feelings but obviously not enough to make me want to change. When I turned 16 and was able to drive and had my own money this “closet eating” got worse and I would eat in my car all the time. When I started early college at Weber State, as a senior in High School, it got even worse. I would drive to the grocery store late at night and buy a cake, put it in my backpack, and come home and eat it in my car or in my bed. I was an ADDICT...A FOOD ADDICT and I couldn’t stop. After I graduated high school, when I was at my heaviest (250lbs), my mom told me, “You better figure out a way to lose weight or we are going to a doctor in one month.”  I feared going to the doctor and what they would say so my mom and I joined a group called, CHOOSE TO LOSE. It was a group of women who got together weekly to weigh in and encourage each other to make healthy choices.  I lost 88 lbs by eating very little and exercising A LOT.  . However, I was still an addict to food.  I would do great for a few days and then have a “binge” day.  Like I said, I exercised A LOT.  I would walk up to 9 miles a day plus run on the treadmill after school and I loved Tae Bo.  If I had an awful binge I wasn’t afraid to force myself to puke it up.  I didn’t do this daily or even weekly but I did do it every once in a while.  I would hardly eat anything most days and definitely NO SWEETS and then I would break down and binge. So, YES, I lost 88 lbs but I did not do it in a healthy way.  I met my husband 2 months later and by the time we got married, 11 months after that, I was back to 220lbs. UGH!!  Too much eating out and hanging out and making out and not enough exercise. I became that “closet eater” once again (which was now even easier because I lived in my own home and did all the shopping) I would buy 3 boxes of Hostess Swiss Rolls (one of my favorites) and hide 2 of them so if I decided to eat the whole box I could replace them before my husband noticed they were all gone. We had our first baby 9 months later and my final weigh in of my pregnancy was 298lbs. Long story short…after my 2^nd baby I weighed 320lbs. I maintained that awful weight through the next 4 pregnancies. I always tried to lose weight but was never able to break that horrible 300lb barrier. 

My weight has kept me from doing so much!  Too big for airplanes, too big for amusement park rides (I actually got stuck in one of those turn styles that you have to go through to get on a ride…embarrassing), too big to fit comfortably in movie theatre chairs or regular arm chairs at a restaurant, too big to go swimming or go on a water slide.  My seat belt was at its max!!  As my kids have gotten older they have started to ask, “When can we go to Disneyland, Why can’t we go swimming?”  I knew I had to change!!  In fall of 2013 I ended up in the ER twice in one month for blood clots in my legs. I was sure the doctor would explain to me that obesity is a huge risk factor but he didn’t say anything! Why didn’t he say anything?  I had hit ROCK BOTTOM!  I was only 28 and I was going to die if I didn’t change.  He didn’t have to tell me that.

This is the same time my mom told my about Jilly’s Losers, a weigh in group like we had done before, but on Facebook.  I felt sick to my stomach….how could I share my weight with anyone?  I was at my heaviest…327lbs.  NOONE, except my OB/GYN knew how much I weighed and I didn’t want them to.  Finally, the day before the new season started, I decided this was how I was going to change. I WAS GOING TO DO IT!!!! I was tired of people telling me how “pretty my face was” or kids making fun of the size of my butt or telling my kids that they had a “fat mom.” I was tired of being unhappy! So I joined and I posted my before picture and my starting weight (one of the most humbling things I have ever done). I decided at the start that I was NOT going to do any crazy diets or give up sweets. I joined MY FITNESS PAL and started counting calories.  I started walking 3 miles a day, rain or snow. It was December and half the time I did it pushing 2-4 kids in a double stroller or even pushing the double stroller empty just so I wouldn’t slip on the ice. On really bad days I would drive to the mall and do my walk there. I did 20 minutes on my stationary bike (I had to sit on a pillow because it made my butt hurt so bad), and did my 8 minute Tae Bo workout video. I ate breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner.  I stopped eating after dinner and I drank A LOT of water. I have a huge 100 oz mug from Maverick that I kept full of ice water (which I love) and drank it every time I had a craving.  I was amazed after my first week when I had lost a whopping 8 lbs!! Yay!  I was doing it. I continued to count calories daily and never banned myself from treats. Birthday cake was ok and so was a small treat every once in a while. Eventually I started eating wheat bread instead of white, whole grain cereal instead of sugar cereal, brown rice instead of white, and skim milk instead of 1%.  My snacks went from chocolate and sugary treats to fruit, carrots, string cheese, wheat thins, trail mix, yogurt, and Quest bars.  I fought myself daily to stay on track. I forced myself to exercise even if it was 10pm after my kids had gone to sleep.  It all paid off…After my 1^st 8 week season I had lost 30lbs. Now, don’t get me wrong…I wasn’t perfect.  One day I ate a whole 12 pack of snack size milky ways (I think 830 calories) for lunch. I got depressed and mad at myself but I knew the only thing to do was rub it off and keep chugging. I got back on the wagon A LOT and the weight kept coming off.

As of today (7 months into my journey) I have lost 104lbs!!  I continue to follow the same routine… my daily exercise consists of walking 3-4 miles, 30minutes on the stationary bike, and a 25-30 minute circuit training workout video (I do a few different ones to change it up).  Of course there are days when I don’t fit it all in but I do my best. I have learned to love exercise and sweat!  I still eat every few hours and I drink tons of water.  I count my calories everyday and I continue to fight myself daily to stay on track with eating.  As long as I don’t ban myself from sweets all together I am ok.  A small treat here and there keeps me sane! Honestly, I thought the cravings would end but I have come to the realization that they most definitely will not!!  Food is an addiction, my addiction, and it takes constant will power and self control to control it. I keep my healthy treats stocked up and close by so I can grab them when the cravings come. I am feeling so good about myself and I love all the compliments I get from my family and my friends…It keeps me motivated.  We are going to Disneyland in September and I can’t wait.  I am so proud of myself.  I enjoy getting dressed and getting ready for the day.  I finally feel pretty. It’s like my life has started over!  I haven’t reached my goal weight yet and sometimes I get frustrated and tired of the journey because it is HARD, so HARD!  I literally had to have my husband stand by me last Sunday while I cleaned the kitchen because I felt like my self control was gone.  I was jittery and I wanted to eat everything in sight. I told him to stand by me and stop me if I tried to eat anything.  This happens often J and he is happy to help me…Thank goodness! When the scale doesn’t move as much as I think it should I want to quit. When I break down and eat 3 pieces of cake instead of the small one I started out with and when I give into my cravings, I feel like a failure. Then I stand up, start over, and remind myself that I AM IN CONTROL AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME!!!!! 

Jilly’s Losers has been my life saver, literally!  Weighing in each week keeps me on track.  I have lost consistently all 7 months and never POSTED a gain.  Yes, Jill, that’s right…I have indeed gained weight on my journey!  But if I see the gain in the middle of the week it motivates me to kick it up a notch and make sure I have a loss to post for the real weigh in the next Tuesday. I fight hard for those losses and I will keep fighting for my goal weight and, most importantly, for myself!!  I have found the me that has been lost under all that weight for so long and I wouldn’t give it up for anything!  

Where oh where has my will power gone...

When things are so rough that I don't want to write a blog about it...that's when I know I need to.  So I'm just going to say this quickly.  Rip off the proverbial bandaid.  Since finding out I was pregnant 8 weeks ago, I have gained 14lbs.  All of which were gained within a 6 week period.  (I've managed to maintain the past two weeks.)  There are a lot of reasons this happened, only a very small percentage is "because I'm growing another human being".

When the pregnancy test showed a positive, it was like some wires in my brain were immediately crossed and all of the healthy eating and exercise I'd spent the last 2 1/2 years working on went out the window.  Well not completely...but a lot of it.  At the time, I was still in the middle of a season of Jilly's Losers and I wasn't ready to tell my group, nor was I ready to give up and drop out.  So I kept weighing in and slowly saw a couple lbs more show up on the scale.  That was hard for me.  Being the leader of the group, I know based on past experience that when "I" am not doing well or am lacking motivation (and gaining weight)...others tend to follow suit.  It's hard to follow a leader who doesn't seem to be succeeding.  I know my group members will tell me I'm being silly and that it's not my fault if people have a bad week, but I am telling you...it doesn't help them.  I toughed out the rest of the season before deciding to tell them (a few weeks before telling the rest of the public world) that I was in fact pregnant.

As the next season began, I decided to sit it out.  I'm still running things, but I'm not eligible for any prizes and I'm not posting a public weight.  I had decided that having the group leader showing a slow gain of 15-30lbs over the next several months wasn't conducive to helping anyone else LOSE weight or become healthier.  Hopefully that was the right decision for my group, but for me...it's been my downfall.  Well...not downfall I guess.  It's not the end of the world.  I haven't regained 123lbs.  But as out of control as things have been, it certainly felt like the beginning of the end.  The problem with not having that weekly accountability is that I completely avoided the scale altogether.  I hear often that the scale shouldn't matter, etc etc...and yes, I KNOW that there is more to my health than the scale.  But for me and my mental health...stepping on the scale every week was a part of the equation that was keeping me in check.  I avoided it for a good month before finally deciding it was time to assess the damage.   And wow.

Before stepping on the scale, I had felt my will power go completely out the window.  Part of it was the "I'm pregnant, I can relax on my eating a bit and I should probably not spend 12 hours a week at the gym, right?" Well that was just silly because my midwife had okay'd me keeping up my exercise routine (minus anything high impact...darn, no jumping jacks) and obviously healthy eating is encouraged...especially during pregnancy.  But it was like something in my brain (and in my family's collective brain) decided it was party time wherever food was concerned. 90% of the time, I was nauseous and the thought of eating anything at all made me want to run to the bathroom.  But the 10% that I was feeling okay...I wasn't grabbing fruit and veggies and protein shakes. Nope.  I wanted sugar and fried cheesy goodness.  The thought of my hard boiled eggs or my green smoothies made me sick to my stomach.  So I used it as an excuse.  Sure, it's true that carbs (ie: saltines) were the only thing that even remotely settled my stomach...but I let that be the reason I ate wayyyyyyyyyy more than any person should.

So there was the cravings.  And then there was the emotional/stress eating.  I have always had problems with this.  Always.  But I'd gotten better at keeping it reigned in and not letting myself just say "screw it".  Well...after finding out I was pregnant, there were lots of emotions and stress thrown in all at once. Am I too old for this? Will the baby be healthy?  My youngest is 7 1/2, is this age gap going to be too big of a problem?  We have no baby stuff, what will we do?  How are we going to afford this? etc etc etc.  And food became my comfort.  Mostly sugar.

And then I stepped on that scale.  When I saw the number 224 beaming back at me it was like it was taunting me.  It was the very hard slap in the face that I needed.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I was about 210lbs.  The lowest I had gotten was 207, but I had had a few rough weeks already before finding out.  When I did find out, I had told myself I wouldn't let myself go over 230, because that is my 100lbs lost mark.  So when I saw 224, knowing I still have a LONG way to go...I panicked.  That was two weeks ago.

It has very much felt like starting all over again...even though it's not.  I realize that very soon here I'm going to have to switch to maternity clothes (as I gave away 90% of my bigger sizes already)...but when my cute size 16 jeans started becoming tight...I wanted to cry.  I am NOT going to repeat my first pregnancy.  I am NOT going to gain 90lbs because I don't feel worthy of something better.  I am NOT going to restart my entire journey all over again for this.  So I've gotten back into my workout routine as best I can.  That's the part I know should be a bit easier for me.  I never STOPPED working out, but I was lucky to hit Zumba twice a week.  This week will be better.  I'm already sore from a great HIIT workout on Saturday and this morning I'm off to lift weights with Dee.  Breakfast will go back to consisting of greek yogurt and muffins (or a little raisin bran maybe....I've been craving that 24/7 for some reason) and a protein shake or salad for lunch more often than not.  I will continue tracking my calories, but they will start including more fruits and veggies and less cupcakes and cookies.  I was 224 at my last visit to my midwife on June 9. By my 15 week visit on July 7, I'd like to be back below 220 if possible.

Now if only I could be okay with this growing out of my clothes thing.  Ugh.  Can I just say that after it taking 2 1/2 years go lose 3 cup sizes and 10 inches in my bust...I am NOT thrilled that they are growing again? Bras are NOT something I want to invest in again haha.  But I guess it is time to go find me a "Bellaband" or whatever those things are called that allow me to keep wearing my own jeans a little while longer. I'm not quite ready for the maternity switch.  I'm excited to be having a pregnancy where I'm healthy from the get go...but man, this is more of a mental game than it's ever been before.  So I need all the help I can get.  12 weeks down (as of tomorrow).  28 more to go.

Putting my weight loss on hold...for good reason!

I've been wanting to write a new entry for a long time.  The problem is...I've been watching the scale slowly going up...and up...and until now I haven't been able to talk about the reason why.  So I felt it best to just keep to myself until I was ready to share our awesome news!!

Turns out there's gonna be a new member of our family coming at the end of this year and I'm SO excited! Nathan and I have been on the fence for quite a while about whether or not we were done with the baby having thing and then when we realized my Nuva Ring (sorry if this is TMI for people but hey, it's the truth) had fallen out somewhere in the midst of things and that it was possible I could be pregnant....we weren't freaked out by it.  We were actually kind of excited.  We realized that was our answer.  We wanted another one.  So we just let things be and now here we are!  As of tomorrow I'll be 11 weeks along...due on December 30th of this year.  That was our first born's due date way back when, which makes it that much more special.  There will be an 8 year gap between Emma and the baby, which means we are really starting over from scratch here...but it will be an exciting adventure.

We found out pretty early on that I was pregnant.  We've known for about 6 weeks now and it's been REALLY HARD to not shout it to the world.  Even my kids have been able to keep it a secret (which I must say impressed me big time).  It feels good to finally be able to share it with everyone (though our families already knew) and to finally explain why I still haven't hit that blasted 200lb barrier!

I'll admit that part of me is frustrated to know that it will be another year at least before I get to that milestone, but if any reason is a good one for it....this is.  The hard thing for me has been trying not to let things get out of hand with my weight.  I am still running Jilly's Losers, but I haven't been weighing in because seeing the group's leader gain weight steadily isn't going to motivate anyone.  The problem with that is that without that accountability, I've found it VERY hard to hold onto any sort of will power.  If I crave it, I eat it.  The "morning" sickness hasn't helped matters either. Most of my old go-to health foods make me feel sick just at the sound of them and carbs are the only thing that even remotely helps my stomach.  Go figure right?  So I have gained about 8lbs in the last 4 weeks.  I am determined though to reign my eating back in and to not let this be the slippery slope that undoes all my hard work of the past 3 years.  I REALLY do not want to have to lose those 120lbs all over again.

I am going to try really hard not to let myself gain more than 25-30lbs this pregnancy.  I am continuing to work out (though not quite as often due to extreme fatigue) and am still tracking what I eat...so with a little motivation, I should be just fine.  I know how to do this..I just need to do it. And not let my cravings win out every time!  Ugh.  Stupid cravings.

So...this blog may have a bit of a different tune to it over the next year, but hopefully people will continue to read and hopefully I can shed a little light on how do do this pregnancy thing the right way.  I will admit I'm really excited to finally have a pregnancy where I am HEALTHY to start out with.  By the end of my other pregnancies I was close to or way over 300lbs.  I never felt I looked "pregnant" just "fat".  I never worked out, I felt miserable all the time...and I just didn't get to truly enjoy it.  I'm excited to see how this pregnancy is different.  I'm at a very different place in my life both physically and mentally and I know that will make for a great experience.  I guess it's a good thing I hadn't yet gotten rid of ALL of my bigger clothes...because those size 16's I was finally fitting into....yeah they're not gonna work anymore.

So give me all the advice you got people.  I feel like I'm doing this for the first time and it's pretty scary.  11 weeks down, 29 to go! :)

Addiction...

I've written a lot of blogs since I started and honestly, I can no longer remember what I've touched on and what I haven't.  So if things start to sound familiar to you, feel free to hit that little x in the top right corner of your screen haha.  But I felt like this was something I wanted to talk about....so I'm gonna.  Cause I can.

Addiction is seen by most people as a horrible, awful thing.  It's, in most cases, immediately associated with things like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, pornography, etc.  Very rarely do people hear addiction and think "food".  But I do.  It's my addiction.  Now some people may read that and laugh.  "Ha...suck it up girl.  Life could be worse. Be grateful you're not addicted to something that could kill you."  Well to those people I say, "Last I checked, being morbidly obese, having high cholesterol, eating fried/fatty foods every day and thinking dessert is required after every meal....are all things that can kill you."  Got ya thinking now, don't I :)

So what IS food addiction?  Well like most any other addiction, your life revolves around it.  You think about it 24/7.  You plan your day around it.  You look forward to your next "hit".  You squirm and fidget and can't focus when you know it will be a while before you can eat.  FOOD BECOMES YOUR LIFE.  I still to this day...even down 123lbs...see food at the center of my day.  That is one thing that has not changed.  The makeup of my meals may be different than it used to be, but it is still very much my focus. I think about food more than men think about sex, I'm guessing lol.  It's that bad!!

I have some very good friends in my life who have been affected by addiction whether through their own experience or through that of a spouse or loved one.  And it has been a life-changing experience for them.  I've watched them have various reactions to these experiences.  They range from the positive changes of growing stronger and overcoming their addictions to the not so positive reactions that can come from dealing with addiction in your life.  My heart breaks for those who struggle with addiction.  It is a hard hard thing to endure and to overcome or move past.

I got lucky that my addiction didn't end my life, but some people might not appreciate me saying that in some ways, I lump myself in with those people who struggle with those other kinds of addiction.  And in some ways...food addiction is one of the hardest of them all to deal with.  Why would you say that Jill??  Your problems aren't any more special or difficult than someone else's!  Of course they're not.  But let me tell you why food addiction might be harder to overcome than say an addiction to smoking.  (Now I will say here that I have never smoked or had to try and quit smoking so I cannot compare how the two feel, but hopefully you will still understand what I'm getting at here....and that I am in NO WAY trying to lessen the struggles of those who deal with tobacco, alcohol or any other addiction out there.)  Most addictions are to things that you can cut completely out of your life and go on living without.  Cigarettes?  Bye bye, nice knowing you.  Alcohol? You might miss your buzz and think about it 24/7 but if you went a month or a year or a decade without a single drop...you'd live.  But food? No.  Unfortunately for us food addicts, you cannot just cut the problem from your life.  Food is necessary to keep us alive...to provide us nutrients and energy and to help us grow.  Therein lies the added difficulty. And frankly...it sucks.

When it comes to food addiction, there is no "overcoming" or becoming "sober" or "moving past".  There is only "learning to deal with it."  There is learning to eat in moderation and to control portions or count calories.  There is learning to say no to that second donut or that extra slice of pizza.  And sure, you can cut certain KINDS of foods out of your every day diet and live a long, happy life...but it's a lot harder to do.  The body runs on so many different chemical reactions that have us craving different things on different days and then deciding what parts it wants to burn and what parts it wants to turn into more jelly rolls sitting around my middle.  It's like figuring out a puzzle on a daily basis.  What does my body want today?  If I eat that thing I'm craving so badly, will my body punish me for it later?  Will my mind have the power to trust that the body knows what it needs?

My mind and body are CONSTANTLY at war and I don't think that war will ever end.  My mind is slowly catching up to my body in learning what foods make it feel better and what foods will make me feel like death for 24 hours afterward.  But my mind will never let go of certain things that it knows it enjoys.  It's a true, real, certified, 100% serious addiction.  And I have it.  Maybe I should join a program, who knows.  All I know is that the world's view of food addicts is not a kind one and it's hard to be in that club.  And while I know I will never be completely free of my addiction, I am grateful to know that I have improved...vastly.  I am grateful to know that my addiction is no longer killing me...and that because of that, I can give a better version of myself to my husband and my children and to those around me that I love.

In closing I wanted to post a link to one of my absolute favorite dances that was done on "So You Think You Can Dance."  It was performed to the song "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles with a theme of addiction.  The dance is so powerful that it still moves me years after it was performed.  It speaks far more powerfully than any blog entry I could write.

The Bod Pod...

This....is a Bod Pod

This is what I had to wear to go into the Bod Pod. (Behold all my lovely extra skin!!)

I've been wanting to do this for a very long time, and I really wish I had forked over the dough to do it when I first started losing weight so that I could compare.  But it was still really cool!  (I did find my results from my very first pinch test back in 2010 when I was 330.6lbs and that showed me at 47% body fat, but the pinch test isn't super accurate.) The Bod Pod is the most accurate way to find out your body fat % and weight.  After going through many weeks/months where I wanted to throw my own scale out the window...I'm glad I finally took the time/spent the money to go and find out where I REALLY stand.

You basically step on a scale and then go sit in the pod (which is freezing against your bare skin) for three 40 second timed sessions where they open and reclose it.  It seals up and you can kind of feel/hear it working.  It is measuring the amount of air displaced by your body.  It's quick and painless!

Here's my results!

It's kind of hard to see, but it says that my body fat is 33.5%.  My lean mass is 139.2lbs and my fat mass is 70.1lbs. My weight on their scale was 209.3. (My home scale is only about .6lbs less than that which is great) Can I just tell you how much I squealed and jumped up and down to see that?  Both my scale at home and the body composition tester at my gym have me at about 40.5%.  They are far less accurate.  It was SOOOOOOOOO great to see that I am 7% less than what I thought!  It's also pretty damn great to see that I am only 3.5% away from being in the "moderately lean" category which "indicates general good health".  That is pretty freaking great.  I feel very proud right now!

Another thing I did learn is that with my resting metabolic rate being 1,756 kcal/day...I'm most likely not eating enough.  That's the amount of calories my body burns every day just existing.  I'm only eating about 1,500 calories a day AND exercising on top of that.  But the lady told me if I'm feeling okay and have enough energy doing it that way then I'm fine.  But it's still really neat to see that number and know that even on my rest days (when I actually take one), my body is still burning a good amount of calories!

I highly recommend that anyone trying to lose weight take the time to track down a bod pod screening.  I always tell my Jilly's Losers people that there is SO MUCH MORE to this journey than the number that shows on the scale.  That number doesn't tell you anything really.  You could have 2 people who weigh the exact same, but one of them have far more fat than the other one and you wouldn't know it just by looking at the scale.  Seeing where I really stand has re-motivated me to keep going.  I'm going to do this again in 2 months and see what's changed!

SBD - Take two

So after that horrific fall off the wagon (which lasted a good week and a half), I decided to rewind and go back to phase 1 of the South Beach Diet.  I know that's not how it's intended to be done, but I feel like I had no other choice, honestly.  My cravings were off the chart.  I have had much worse weeks in the past, in that I didn't go on a Big Mac binge or eat out every night.  But I was inhaling sweets like there was no tomorrow.  I can't even tell you how many donuts and girl scout cookies I ate over a one week span.  I'm glad I didn't keep count.

The only GOOD thing about the past week and a half is that I haven't stepped on my scale.  Well okay two good things.  I didn't step on MY scale, but I did do my body composition again at my Burn It class and I've lost another 2% of my body fat in the last 3 weeks.  So I'm glad to see that my binge on sugar hasn't completely ruined me.  I'm not going to step on my scale though until I've got a few good, clean eating days under my belt.

I started yesterday.  And I have to say that doing SBD when your house isn't stocked for it...is VERY hard. And boring.  The grocery shopping for the week had been done while I was hungry and we bought lots of unhealthy stuff.  The next trip isn't until next week.  So I have to make due with what we've got.  I've been eating grape tomatoes like they're candy.  Better than actual candy I suppose, huh?

I really wish I could understand my brain and why I do this to myself.  This self-sabotage stuff is getting really old.  I'm so close to hitting 200 and it's almost like my subconscious is afraid of hitting such a huge milestone. God knows why...it would be AWESOME.  Maybe I feel pressured.  Between my weight loss group and this blog, I know everyone is watching and waiting.  And while I love that support and encouragement, it's also a lot of pressure that I have invited onto my own shoulders.

Why does food have to be such an issue.  Instead of weight loss being 80% food and 20% exercise, why can't it be the other way around?  I'd have this thing done and over with by now!  I used to HATE exercise with a passion and could come up with any excuse to avoid it.  Over time I became addicted to it and refuse to go without it.  Why can't my addiction to food change that drastically?  It's hardly fair.  I mean sure, I don't eat the way I used to with the Big Macs and french fries twice a week.  I don't drink soda except for once in a very rare while and my stomach has begun to punish me for fried foods or overindulgence in dairy. So I guess that's a change...but to me it's not enough.  Why can't I stop craving bakery goods and bready cheesy goodness.  WHY lol.  I know life wouldn't be as fun without those things and that it's okay to have them in moderation blah blah blah.  But that's my problem.  I allow myself to have a little bit and then BOOM!  I've slid down that slope and I'm eating everything in sight.

Maybe one day I'll find a balance between the strict and boring phase 1 of SBD and a healthy diet that includes the occasional splurge.  I always seem to go one extreme or the other and it sucks.

Stupid freaking wagon...

The worst part about falling off the wagon is when you KNOW it's coming...you see it from a mile away...and you still do it.

As my 2 weeks of South Beach phase 1 neared the end, I knew it wasn't going to go well for me.  I knew it. It's my pattern.  And it terrified me, the closer I got.  I was hoping and praying that I'd have the strength to EASE out of it and into phase 2, but no...I had to go down in a blaze of glory.  Every time I manage a streak of perfection I always end it by going to the other extreme. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF!!!!!

During the first week of phase 1, I lost 9lbs. That's pretty freaking amazing.  I was so proud and excited and sure that during week 2, I'd lose another 7-9 and break through that elusive 200lb barrier. But the scale stopped dead in its tracks. 207.  207.  207.  It would NOT move.  I should have stopped weighing myself...and I did for about 2 days.  And then again...207.  I was eating the same, working out the same, drinking enough, sleeping enough....but nothing.  I got really frustrated.  There is nothing worse than KNOWING you are doing everything right and seeing that number stall.

And then on day 13, we decided to celebrate Nathan's birthday.  13 days is close enough to 14, so we went to Tucanos for dinner and it was amazing.  I ate pretty healthy for the most part, though I did OVER eat.  And I had carbs. And a donut.  Happy birthday to Nathan.  That wasn't so bad...but then the next morning (on his actual birthday) my cravings decided to taunt me.  I had my favorite breakfast of homemade apple bran muffins and greek yogurt and thought I was doing just fine.

Three words...

RED VELVET CAKE

My husband decided to sneak out and buy a cake so that I didn't have to bake one.  And he bought my absolute favorite kind.  It was HIS birthday and he got MY favorite cake.  Love that man.  But that cake was my undoing.  Here I am 5 days later and I've had at least 3 separate binges.  It's like all the sugar and carbs in the house that I had no problem avoiding for 2 weeks are suddenly screaming so loudly that the only way to silence them is to eat them...ALL.

Yesterday we sat and watched a movie and ate half a bag of chips with dip and a box of girl scout cookies.  Sure, I've had MUCH worse binges than that.  But the night before that we had pizza (which I haven't had in months) and 3 slices of stuffed crust pizza is enough to throw anyone right off the wagon and onto their ass.

Last night I was deciding what to eat before heading out to teach my Zumba class and a big part of me wanted to say screw it and eat like crap and gain 10lbs, who even cares anymore.  But I do.  I care.  As much as sometimes I get so sick of this whole journey...I very very much care.  I have this horrible habit of self sabotage when I get really close to a big goal.  I did the same thing when I neared 250lbs.  It made me sad to see myself doing that again.  And I really really don't want it to take another 6 months for me to break through 200.

So I made myself a nice thick strawberry/banana protein shake and went off to teach.  I sweat my butt off (and hopefully most of the sugar I'd eaten) and went to bed without eating another cookie.  I had to start somewhere.

This morning I caved and had a little bowl of raisin bran with my hard boiled egg, but my resolve has been renewed and I really want to buckle down.  I did gain back 2-3lbs over the past 5-6 days, but I've become a pro at losing weight that I've already lost.  I won't let it set me back any further than it already has.  But man, I wish there were some way to fix whatever is wrong in my brain that sets me off on these downward spirals.  After experiencing it so many times you'd think I'd have the process perfected by now.  But I'm pretty sure my butt will get a lot more bruises from falling off that wagon.  But at least if I'm falling off....that means I got back on :)