The beginning of the end...I hope.

I've always watched my friends and family try out this blog thing...I've seen it on movies...and always said, "That's something I could never do." Even sitting here at my computer typing, I'm wondering if this is such a great idea. But I think the reason this will work is that this time I'm doing it for me. If no one else reads it that's fine, but I need to be held accountable to myself at the very least.

"Accountable for what?" you ask. Well..today is officially day 1 of my hcg diet. Basically what hcg does is reset the way you've trained your mind to work over the course of your life. You've taught it your eating habits and patterns and it can make it difficult to lose weight. When hcg is in your system, it causes the fat cells to open and release the contained fat..forcing your body to burn up that stored fat for energy instead of whatever it is you're eating. So on a restricted calorie diet, you end up burning 1-2 lbs of fat A DAY! Obviously this isn't something that you can do every day for the rest of your life. It's done in cycles. So here's what I'm about to embark on!

I started taking the hcg drops (15 drops under the tongue 4 times a day...as opposed to getting daily injections) last night before bed. Today (Thanksgiving) and tomorrow are what are called my "loading days". Basically they're conditioning days to prepare my body for the drop in calories and to let the hcg adjust and begin working within my body. Loading is exactly what it sounds like. I get to eat....a lot. My nutritionist, Maeli, who will be walking me through this whole process...says that if I really want to, I can eat burgers and fries for two days. But...for the next few days when I've dropped to 500 calories and the hcg is working in high gear..I'm going to FEEL like burgers..and fries haha. So I have to eat a lot, but I'm trying not to make it all junk food. But hey, a girls got to have a little fun. It is Thanksgiving afterall.

We're actually having our Thanksgiving meal tomorrow (friday), so I'll load up plenty on turkey and stuffing and potatoes...all the good stuff. Loading is harder than I thought. Already I'm feeling like I'm not very hungry and I'm having to force things down my throat. For breakfast I fried 2 eggs and sprinkled a little cheddar cheese on them. Had two pieces of whole wheat toast with "I can't believe it's not butter" and some strawberry jelly. A big glass of milk and a handful of almonds. I'm supposed to eat all day long and I don't want to anymore haha.

The 500 calorie-a-day cycle lasts 21 days. So for 21 days I can't have ANY sugar, fats, carbs...basically anything really nummy haha. But I can do anything for 21 days. I can. Especially if it means when it's over with I will have lost around 30 lbs. I'll have to do a lot of cycles, but it will be worth it. After the 21 days of hcg, I go into a maintenance period where I slowly work foods back into my diet and go off the hcg. At this point my body has basically reset it's way of thinking and I can re-train it with a healthier diet and not gain back anything I lost. Then after a few weeks of maintenance I can go for cycle 2. The other downside to all this is the cost. It ain't cheap. I'm blessed to have a supportive family to help me manage it.

So why did I name my blog what I did? Well...I've tried everything when it comes to dieting. And frankly, I'm sick of dieting. I'm like my mother. If I don't see results quickly I get frustrated and lose hope and give up. I realize that doing this diet will still require a lifestyle change but it will allow me to see results quickly and to realize that yes...I CAN lose weight and I don't have to be afraid of doing so. This time, I mean business! I've done Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers and eat right and exercise. I've tried slim fast and all those diet pills out there. I even did the Richard Simmons diet once. I've done the gym membership/personal trainer thing and even have an elliptical machine in my own home now, which actually has helped me to lose some weight already. But I'm tired of being fat. Yes..I said fat. I am 5'10" and weigh 330 lbs. Any dr. will tell you that is in the "dangerously obese" zone.

I haven't always been this big, but I have always been biggER. My whole life I've been "the chubby girl" in my family. No, they never called me that nor did they ever make me feel like I was any less loved or special. That is, however, how I felt on the inside. I have 3 younger sisters..all who are tall, skinny and gorgeous. Most of their lives (I know they workout more now) they lived off fast metabolism and could eat what they wanted and not gain a pound. Tiffany used to go to Wendy's daily and it never touched her. Can we say unfair!! Now I know they're human and they all have their own self image issues but I've always been the only one in my family who was ever fat. I weighed about 180 lbs. through high school and then once I had kids..I blew up. In pictures, I'm the fat one...on airplanes, I'm the one no one wants to sit next to...I can't even think about taking my kids on amusement park rides and on the beach or at the pool in the summer I'm always the one who wore t-shirts or wraps around my swim suits. I'M TIRED OF BEING THAT PERSON!!!

So this time...I mean freaking business. (In my head that f word was more vulgar but I'll try to keep this blog tame so I don't get yelled at haha!) I am ready to be skinny. I am ready to look like I belong in family pictures and I'm ready to play with my kids and not get worn out within 5 minutes. I'm ready to buy a whole new wardrobe of outfits that I LIKE! I'm ready to get a social life and stop hiding inside my house because then no one has to look at me or feel uncomfortable around me. I'm ready to shed this outter ickiness and find the Jill that's hiding inside just aching to get out. I want to thank my mother for trying this diet herself and helping me to get started on it myself. I feel very blessed to have parents and sisters who support and encourage me. I'm also grateful for my wonderful hubby (soon-to-be-again?) Nathan for putting up with years of dieting nonsense. I promise you, things are about to change.

So today...is the beginning of the end. I hope. Wish me luck!