Obsession...

(I had a lot of thoughts that I was struggling to put into words. Hopefully I've done so in a way that makes sense and doesn't end up unintentionally upsetting anyone!)

Yesterday, a very close friend shared something in my weight loss group that really struck a chord with me. It was a blog entry I guess you could call it... written by a woman who had been extremely overweight and became obsessed about calorie counting and weight loss until she became what society wanted her to be. It talked about how all of her worst fears about her fat self were proved true once she lost the weight. She was suddenly no longer invisible. She could suddenly fit into seats at restaurants, theaters, etc. Men were everywhere wanting to talk to her and women suddenly wanted to be her friends. Doors were held open for her instead of slammed in her face, she got better service in restaurants..and she was just overall treated like a human. What she said about all of this is what stuck with me the most.

"And it pissed me the !$@# off."

It SHOULD. Losing weight shouldn't be the thing that earns you the right to be treated like a human being.

Until 2011, I was that obese, invisible woman. I had no friends unless they were on the internet and couldn't see me. I never left my house unless I HAD to. I wore 3-4x clothes and could only really shop in 1-2 different stores. I had to get an extender for my seat belts or not wear them at all on planes. I had to squish myself into the seats at movie theaters just to be miserable for 2+ hours. I ate in my car or in the privacy of my home because eating in public always got me stares. I could go on...but that's not why I'm writing this.

When I made the decision to change my life and my habits it wasn't so that I could wear a size 6 (which I never will), have men and women pay attention to me or to be able to fit into society's definition of "healthy and good looking". It was so that I could live my life. It was so that I could play with my children, climb the stairs in my house, learn to eat healthier...and so many other reasons that had nothing to do with society and the way it would see me.

When I lost weight pre-baby #4, sure...I got complimented quite often by those who saw me on a regular basis. But as my weight loss went from 50lbs...to 100lbs..to OVER 100lbs...some of the compliments started to turn into "You've lost enough, you really should stop." (Even though I was still over 200lbs) I even received an anonymous text from God knows who that told me I had an unhealthy obsession with weight loss and that I was ignoring my family and that I needed to stop. I still to this day have no idea who it was from, but it pissed me off.

Yes...I run a weight loss group and have been for 5 1/2 years. Yes, the number on the scale plays a part because it's how winners are determined each season, but for anyone who might think that I have an unhealthy obsession with weight loss, let me say this...

While I have seen more than 1,000 pounds lost by the men and women in my group, I have also seen the following...

-I've seen people exercise for the first time in their adult life.
-I've seen people learn what it means to treat food as fuel and not as an emotional crutch.
-I've seen people complete weekly challenges that they never thought were possible.
-I've seen people lose 10lbs in a week and also gain that same amount because this journey is a roller coaster and it's OKAY.
-I've seen people open up to complete strangers who became family and find a support system they never knew they needed.
-I've seen people with all different body types and personalities find different ways to lose weight and body fat that would never work for another person because WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.
-I've seen people (including myself) lose a LOT of weight and then gain a lot of it back...because LIFE HAPPENS!
-I've seen those same people refuse to give up when things get hard.
-I've seen people battle depression and anxiety and watched it improve right before my eyes as they learn to take care of themselves a little better.
-I've seen people learn to truly love themselves and be PROUD of themselves at ANY size.
-I've seen people run their first 5K, 10K, half marathon and even marathons.
-I've seen complete strangers support one another through some of life's most difficult moments...birth, death, marriage, divorce.
-I've seen people tell each other "It's OKAY that you had cake for breakfast after the night you had. It does not define you. It will not ruin you."
-I've seen people laugh together, cry together, push together and cheer each other on like you wouldn't believe.
-I've seen people over 300lbs and people under 120lbs work together to motivate each other because everyone has their struggles no matter their size.
-I have seen unconditional love.
-I have seen lives changed forever.

And unfortunately, yes...I have seen obsession with the number on the scale. I myself have had moments like that where I let that # set the course for my day whether good or bad. But I am a changed woman.

I may be back up over 270lbs, but I'm not the same person I was the first time I hit that #. I'm not ashamed of my clothing size. I'm not embarrassed to go to the gym and shake my body in front of an entire Zumba class! I have NO problem going out to eat with my family. I have friends. Good ones who love me for who I am, not my size. I play with my children and I climb the stairs and I put on swimsuits and I LIVE MY LIFE.

Losing weight wasn't about losing the weight...it was about learning to love myself again. And I do. Yes, I am still working on shedding some lbs and I probably always will be...but as long as I am healthy and able to be a good mother and wife and friend...then there is no rush. I will continue studying and learning and trying to treat myself kindly so that I can hopefully help others do the same.

If nothing else, I hope that all of the men and women who have been in my group (or may be in the future) know that IT IS JUST A NUMBER. It is not how I define you. It is not how you should define you. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are INSPIRING. And I love you! And regardless of how the outside world may treat you...I hope that at the end of the day, you treat yourself with the love, kindness and respect that you deserve. Because THAT is what this journey is all about. And that...is what I'm obsessed with.

4 weeks down and I'm still alive!!!

It's been almost a month and things have pretty much become routine for me, which I'm extremely grateful for. It's also the reason I'm not blogging as often. There's just not that much to say!  This past week had a few temptations, but I managed them without any problems. I still find myself occasionally daydreaming about bread or a big piece of cake with TONS of frosting...but it passes pretty quick and I know I'll get to have those things again in 2 more months!

I've decided that once my birthday comes, I'm going to change up how I'm doing this. A good friend of mine at church is doing this same kind of low-carb diet with her husband and the two of them have one night a week where they have a 6 hour carb window. They eat bread, have dessert or whatever and then move right back into their low-carb routine. I think that sounds totally doable for me. I'll have to see how my body reacts to it, but I refuse to say I'll never eat bread again. But for now...2 more months with NO sugar and no bread!!

So...after 4 weeks, I've lost 11.7lbs! I'm pretty happy with that. I think it would have been slightly more, but I'm rather bloated at the moment if ya catch my drift (Sorry!). But I did take my measurements yesterday and since 2/6/17 (which is 3 weeks before I started keto, but it's the only measurements I could find)...I have lost about 3" over my body. It's not as much as I'd like to see, but considering I haven't worked out much since then I'll take it. I know things will ramp up more once I'm back to building muscle again. It's a slow process to regain all that was lost over the past 3 months.

So things are going well and I'm excited to see how the next month goes. If I can keep up this pace, breaking 200 by the end of the year is totally doable! Fingers crossed!

Days 22 - 25...it's all a good blur!

I waited too long to write this, which means I can't really remember what happened/how I felt on each individual day...but I do know this. I didn't slip up...even when I REALLY wanted to.

Physical therapy this week was tough. I'm having some muscle/tendon pain around my injury site again and it's rather frustrating. Just when I feel like things are really improving and my walk is almost back to normal...I am forced to limp again. I have 2 more PT sessions before worker's comp would have to approve more and I don't know that they will...so I'm really hoping they help.

The toughest food day for me was probably on Friday. My 10 year old hurt her foot/ankle on the trampoline the week before and it still wasn't healing so we spent TWO HOURS at the doctor having it checked out/x-rayed only to be told it's just a nasty sprain and she's gotta keep using her crutches and boot as she already had been. I hadn't eaten breakfast before her appointment since I usually try to keep all my meals between 11-7, so by the time we finished at 12:30, I was ravenous. She asked for Subway on the way home, which meant I had my sweet onion chicken teriyaki salad. But at only about 200 calories, it didn't hold me for long. I had PT not long after I made it home and then a date with Nathan for pedicures, so I became hangry all over again amidst all the chaos with not a single snack to tide me over. Luckily the pedicures were just what I needed to help calm me down and instead of grabbing a burger and fries on our way home like I REALLY wanted...we picked up a whole bunch of ribs from Famous Dave's for us and the kids to have at home. I of course ended up WAY under my calories for the day, but I didn't cave to the cravings, which to me was more important that day.

So overall things are going well :) I'm getting better at bringing my own snacks/treats to places where I know there will be food I might not be able to have and it really helps. I also tried a new recipe for pizza crust made out of chicken that was so good even my kids inhaled it! It didn't make me stop missing a good stuffed crust pizza, but it eased the craving enough to get through the day.

I can't believe it's almost been a whole month. People still think the girls and I are nuts for doing this...and some days I do too...but thus far it's been totally worth it. It's especially nice to be losing weight even though I'm barely working out compared to what I'm used to.

I really need to get in better shape quick though or teaching is going to kill me haha. It may be time to just do the workouts I really don't want to..but can...like a spin class or a lap swim in the pool. Man I miss Zumba :( 2 more weeks until I see my surgeon. Fingers crossed my pain is gone by then.

Week 3 results!

Tuesday was pretty great. I went to lunch with my good friend, Kate, and as per usual we went to Zupas! (Well I did. She had a salad from Noodles & Company, but they were right next door, so we ate outside haha). I tried a new salad this week since my usual go to protein bowl is extremely carb heavy (beans, corn, etc). I had their California cobb protein salad and was surprised how much I liked it. I also got to enjoy a cup of my favorite soup in the world...Wisconsin Cauliflower. I LOVE that I have learned how to make room for indulging in some of my favorite things and still stay on track!

Later in the afternoon, Nathan and I took the kids to the park to fly kites for the first time in YEARS. It was SO nice to be able to spend some time outside. I can't wait until I'm physically able to start enjoying the trail next to our house again. I LOVE springtime. I hope it lasts and doesn't jump right into summer.

Tuesday also marked day 21 and the end of 3 weeks of no sugar/low carb (keto) for me! When I weighed this morning (Wednesday) the scale read 274.9 which is great :) It was a half pound lower yesterday for my Jilly's Losers weigh-in, but that was after a good, sweaty workout so this was a great number to see without sweating at all. So that's 3.4lbs for week 3 and 9.2lbs overall in 3 weeks! An average of 3lbs a week is pretty amazing (even though it was actually more like 7lbs week 1, gained week 2 and then lost again in week 3 haha). So that's definitely enough of a change for me to want to stick to it. Next week I will do my measurements after completing 1 month and hopefully see some more changes atop the scale #'s. I really hate re-losing weight, but at least it's coming off. I will start to feel a bit more excited when I'm below 250 again since I got there right after baby came in 2014 then gained ever since.

Day 20 (Monday)...Foot frustration and sushi...

Since I don't feel ready to go back to Zumba at the gym for a full 60 minutes yet, I decided to do it in my kitchen to my own choreography and see how far I got. I made it 30 minutes before not only was my foot sore, but I was beyond out of breath and my heart was racing. It was the way I used to feel when I first started working out. The good news is that my salsa looked more like a salsa and I can cha-cha without having to take out one of the "cha's" so it looks more like zumba and less like big, chunky white girl having a fit. It felt good to just dance. But it's beyond frustrating how much muscle and endurance I lost in those few months I was off my feet. I'm hoping it will come back quicker than that because I need to be able to teach soon and I'm still not even close to ready.

To make matters worse, I decided it was a good idea to take my daughter shopping at Walmart and after more than an hour of her trying on clothes, I was near tears and basically balancing on one foot. She kept asking me if I was okay as I limped up to the checkout stand and out to the car. She tried to help me, bless her heart. So needless to say I spent the rest of the day with my foot up on ice. But I need this to stop! It feels after 30 minutes the way your feet would normally feel after spending 12 hours standing in lines at Disneyland or something. I'm tired of being patient.

My husband and I had decided that our oldest needed some mom and dad time alone, so we took him to dinner anywhere he wanted last night. His choice. I knew this was a dangerous game, but I wanted him to enjoy it...so he picked Sushi Ya. I wasn't at all surprised, though I had hoped he'd pick somewhere with a bit more of a variety so that I could stick to my low-carb plan. I let the boys eat their all you can eat sushi and I ordered sesame chicken thinking it would be relatively low-carb. I made sure to order it with no rice on the side and just a side salad, miso soup and a few pieces of tempura veggies. Come to find out that that chicken had been breaded more than I'd ever seen a chicken breaded in my life haha. By the time I was done eating, I had a plate full of breading that I had scraped from my chicken. It still tasted pretty amazing though and I managed to only steal 2 tiny pieces of sushi from the boys. All in all, I was over on my carbs by just a bit (about 51g net carbs total). But the most important thing was that I got some much needed bonding time with my son, who is hardly ever home, and to just spend time laughing and catching up with him and my husband. It was worth a few extra carbs :) And it didn't seem to have much of an effect on the scale, so yay!

Tomorrow, I'll be posting my week 3 results and I'm pretty excited. It's been great to see the scale moving in the right direction again and to feel things becoming easier. Still though...it feels like it's been 3 months, not 3 weeks. Hopefully the motivation and the scale keep up!

Day 19...Sundays are my favorite

Sundays are always like a reset for me and I love them. It's the one day of the week that ALL of my kids are home and there's no work or errands to be run and we can attend church together and then just spend the rest of the day together relaxing.

I've come to accept that there will almost always be treats when we go to church whether it be during a lesson on Sunday or an activity during the week. Yesterday, my good friend Emily (who is like a gourmet cook/chef/baker by the way) brought in some delicious looking banana bars (with cream cheese frosting *drools*) for the 12-13 year old girls that we teach. Because she is such a good friend, she brought in some fruit leather for Ariana and I so that we wouldn't feel left out. It never ceases to amaze me how many people take the time to consider us when they plan these things. They certainly aren't obligated to, but I hope they know how much we love them for thinking of us on our "no sugar" journey!

After church, the kids wanted some turkey and cheese sandwiches, and not wanting to make 2 lunches, I made my "sandwich" on leaves of Romaine instead of bread. It was so good! Need to try that with BLT's I think. I'm finding it easier and easier to substitute romaine for bread, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to seriously savoring that one tiny bite of bread during the sacrament at church yesterday. There are some days I seriously just want a slice of toast with butter and honey...but of course even one slice of bread would wipe out most of my allotted carbs for the day...so I don't.

I've had a couple people ask me why I can't have bread if I'm doing "no sugar" and so I explain to them the reasoning behind going "low carb". Something that I think most people (including myself not too long ago) don't realize is that the body processes A LOT of foods the exact same way as it does straight up sugar. Bread turns to sugar in your body. Pasta.....sugar. Fruits & starchy veggies? Sugar. They're carbohydrates and they provoke an insulin response in the body...things get turned into fat and voila. So while I'm not having my girls give up bread/pasta/etc...I chose to do it for myself because I know it has played a huge part in getting rid of the cravings I was dealing with and it is most definitely helping me to lose weight, feel more energized and to eat less/healthier!

Sunday dinner was a repeat of last week with the baked chicken parmesan that I'm in love with. Even the kids love it. So anytime I can get away with making a single dinner for all of us, I'm going to do it haha. The last few days I have made sure to save enough carbs for my new favorite "dessert". I cut up 1 cup of strawberries, pour 2 Tbsp. of heavy whipping cream over it and then sprinkle a touch of stevia on top. It's SO good and when you haven't had sugar in almost 3 weeks it's extremely indulgent. I love that I'm finding new ways to avoid feeling deprived. I have yet to reach a point where I can walk by the bakery at the store and not feel that ache in my stomach telling me I WANT EVERYTHING IN IT....but I will. And it's getting easier.

Days 17&18...Good friends, parties and movies!!

I'm writing this two days later and I'm still feeling Day 17 (Friday)!! I had physical therapy AND did 45 minutes of pilates and 2nd day soreness is no joke!! I shouldn't be surprised that the most sore part of my body is my right calf. My PT commented on how tight my calf is after not using it for 2 months and it seemed no amount of stretching was helping. But he still pushed me through several minutes of leg press and calf raises...all things that used to be easy for me and now aren't. He also rather enjoyed having me balance on my injured leg while he stood behind me trying to gently knock me off balance. At least my walk is starting to look more like a walk and less like a limp. Now if only the pain would go away once and for all!

Friday night we went to a goodbye party for some very dear friends of mine who are moving out of the country. On the menu for everyone was taco salads, because I have AMAZING friends who took me into consideration. The only ingredient I had to give up was the chips! Of course passing on the s'mores around the fire was a bit harder, but I still managed it. S'mores will always be there. They're not going anywhere...but my friends are :(  It felt great to make the party about the people and socializing instead of about the food...and to go home NOT feeling guilty about what I ate!

Saturday was nice and lazy. I made waffles for the kids and made a 2 carb waffle for myself (1 scoop protein powder, 1 raw egg, pinch of baking powder & water) so that I felt like I wasn't missing out. I'm really starting to love these waffles. It's nice to feel like I'm having one of my favorite breakfasts while still getting 30g of protein in the process. Oh...and bacon. Lots of bacon. Man, I love bacon. Good thing it's totally Keto friendly!

In the afternoon, I took my girls on a date to see Beauty and the Beast! I packed some macadamia nuts, a pepperoni stick and a babybel for my snacks and even had 1 cup of movie theater popcorn since I'd made sure to save enough carbs for it! Who knew a movie could be enjoyable without milk duds, frozen jr. mints and diet coke?? The movie was wonderful. Even better than I expected. And I highly recommend it. With or without sugar ;-)

So...I'm holding off on posting my actual weight until week 3 is over, but the downward trend has continued for several days now and I'm feeling better about things. I'm hoping it keeps moving for a while before I plateau out again. That keto "whoosh" is a real thing afterall! I really do wish I had tried this out sooner, but it honestly terrified me. I didn't think I could do it. I was afraid of failing. But regardless of the scale, I'm realizing that it's impossible to "fail" when you cut out sugar. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks and I can feel a huge difference. Hopefully my kids can too.