Obsession...

(I had a lot of thoughts that I was struggling to put into words. Hopefully I've done so in a way that makes sense and doesn't end up unintentionally upsetting anyone!)

Yesterday, a very close friend shared something in my weight loss group that really struck a chord with me. It was a blog entry I guess you could call it... written by a woman who had been extremely overweight and became obsessed about calorie counting and weight loss until she became what society wanted her to be. It talked about how all of her worst fears about her fat self were proved true once she lost the weight. She was suddenly no longer invisible. She could suddenly fit into seats at restaurants, theaters, etc. Men were everywhere wanting to talk to her and women suddenly wanted to be her friends. Doors were held open for her instead of slammed in her face, she got better service in restaurants..and she was just overall treated like a human. What she said about all of this is what stuck with me the most.

"And it pissed me the !$@# off."

It SHOULD. Losing weight shouldn't be the thing that earns you the right to be treated like a human being.

Until 2011, I was that obese, invisible woman. I had no friends unless they were on the internet and couldn't see me. I never left my house unless I HAD to. I wore 3-4x clothes and could only really shop in 1-2 different stores. I had to get an extender for my seat belts or not wear them at all on planes. I had to squish myself into the seats at movie theaters just to be miserable for 2+ hours. I ate in my car or in the privacy of my home because eating in public always got me stares. I could go on...but that's not why I'm writing this.

When I made the decision to change my life and my habits it wasn't so that I could wear a size 6 (which I never will), have men and women pay attention to me or to be able to fit into society's definition of "healthy and good looking". It was so that I could live my life. It was so that I could play with my children, climb the stairs in my house, learn to eat healthier...and so many other reasons that had nothing to do with society and the way it would see me.

When I lost weight pre-baby #4, sure...I got complimented quite often by those who saw me on a regular basis. But as my weight loss went from 50lbs...to 100lbs..to OVER 100lbs...some of the compliments started to turn into "You've lost enough, you really should stop." (Even though I was still over 200lbs) I even received an anonymous text from God knows who that told me I had an unhealthy obsession with weight loss and that I was ignoring my family and that I needed to stop. I still to this day have no idea who it was from, but it pissed me off.

Yes...I run a weight loss group and have been for 5 1/2 years. Yes, the number on the scale plays a part because it's how winners are determined each season, but for anyone who might think that I have an unhealthy obsession with weight loss, let me say this...

While I have seen more than 1,000 pounds lost by the men and women in my group, I have also seen the following...

-I've seen people exercise for the first time in their adult life.
-I've seen people learn what it means to treat food as fuel and not as an emotional crutch.
-I've seen people complete weekly challenges that they never thought were possible.
-I've seen people lose 10lbs in a week and also gain that same amount because this journey is a roller coaster and it's OKAY.
-I've seen people open up to complete strangers who became family and find a support system they never knew they needed.
-I've seen people with all different body types and personalities find different ways to lose weight and body fat that would never work for another person because WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.
-I've seen people (including myself) lose a LOT of weight and then gain a lot of it back...because LIFE HAPPENS!
-I've seen those same people refuse to give up when things get hard.
-I've seen people battle depression and anxiety and watched it improve right before my eyes as they learn to take care of themselves a little better.
-I've seen people learn to truly love themselves and be PROUD of themselves at ANY size.
-I've seen people run their first 5K, 10K, half marathon and even marathons.
-I've seen complete strangers support one another through some of life's most difficult moments...birth, death, marriage, divorce.
-I've seen people tell each other "It's OKAY that you had cake for breakfast after the night you had. It does not define you. It will not ruin you."
-I've seen people laugh together, cry together, push together and cheer each other on like you wouldn't believe.
-I've seen people over 300lbs and people under 120lbs work together to motivate each other because everyone has their struggles no matter their size.
-I have seen unconditional love.
-I have seen lives changed forever.

And unfortunately, yes...I have seen obsession with the number on the scale. I myself have had moments like that where I let that # set the course for my day whether good or bad. But I am a changed woman.

I may be back up over 270lbs, but I'm not the same person I was the first time I hit that #. I'm not ashamed of my clothing size. I'm not embarrassed to go to the gym and shake my body in front of an entire Zumba class! I have NO problem going out to eat with my family. I have friends. Good ones who love me for who I am, not my size. I play with my children and I climb the stairs and I put on swimsuits and I LIVE MY LIFE.

Losing weight wasn't about losing the weight...it was about learning to love myself again. And I do. Yes, I am still working on shedding some lbs and I probably always will be...but as long as I am healthy and able to be a good mother and wife and friend...then there is no rush. I will continue studying and learning and trying to treat myself kindly so that I can hopefully help others do the same.

If nothing else, I hope that all of the men and women who have been in my group (or may be in the future) know that IT IS JUST A NUMBER. It is not how I define you. It is not how you should define you. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are INSPIRING. And I love you! And regardless of how the outside world may treat you...I hope that at the end of the day, you treat yourself with the love, kindness and respect that you deserve. Because THAT is what this journey is all about. And that...is what I'm obsessed with.