Yesterday was eye-opening for me. It was the first time I'd actually felt shame since starting the keto diet almost 7 weeks ago. I had mentioned making a low-carb dessert for Easter and how excited I was at the prospect of doing so...and only having a little bit. Right? Well yesterday I proved to myself that I'm just not ready for that. I maybe never will be.
When I made that dessert, I doubled it so that it would make a full 13x9 pan. Bad idea. That meant that yesterday there was still half a pan left. And all day long it was literally ALL I could think about. I lost track of how many times I went over to that pan with a spoon and scooped another bite into my mouth. I'm sure it was pushing 1000 cals worth, but I honestly didn't count. I didn't want to. Maybe it wasn't even as bad as I thought...but it made me FEEL horrible.
Every time I left the kitchen, I couldn't stop thinking about going back for another bite. Just one more bite and then I'll be satisfied. I haven't had a real dessert in so long, this one won't hurt me if I have a bit more. There's no actual sugar in it, so it's fine. Excuse after excuse after excuse until the pan was empty again. It's a good thing my kids asked for some when they did or I am sure I would haven eaten the entire half pan all by myself. The moment that last bite was gone and the pan was in the sink soaking...my mind cleared and I wasn't thinking about it anymore. It was so bizarre. WHY DO WE DO THAT! Why does it have to be completely GONE for me to not want it anymore?? Why can't I just have a little and be okay with that? Why can't that be enough??
So no more baking for a while. I just can't have things sitting on counters that tempt me. That was an issue before and it's obviously an issue now. I am not strong enough to do that yet. I hope one day I am. But for now...it's back to single serve fat bombs and not letting the words "sugar free" tempt me into thinking they're okay to eat.
I'd say I'm curious to see how this will affect me on the scale, but I'm really not. I don't have to weigh to know that it probably won't be great. I can feel it. Time to get serious again and show my demons who is boss!
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