New Years...Habits...

It's January 1st and everyone is making their typical New Years resolutions, or even resolutions for a whole new decade. I've decided to try something different this year. Yesterday, I was reading an essay on "Habits" for a History of Psychology class I'm taking and while I initially dreaded reading 24 pages on the subject, I found it rather interesting. It talked a lot about the science behind the formation of a habit, comparing it to water cutting a course out of a new terrain and then finding it easier to follow that exact same path the second time.

If you think about it, everything we do in our daily lives is the result of habit formation, most of which were formed when we were kids. Walking, eating, getting dressed...all of these things have becomed so ingrained in our subconscious that we don't even really have to think about it to do it anymore. And while most of us probably couldn't say off the top of our heads which order we wash our bodies in in the shower or which pant leg or shoe we put on first...it's almost guaranteed that we do it the same every time. Out of habit.

Now, while it's obviously much harder to form a new habit as a fully formed adult, it's not impossible. And I've decided that instead of making resolutions this year...I want to create some new habits. This essay, by William James, stated that it's crucial not to "slip up" in the early stages of habit formation as doing so can make it harder to ever start over again and make it to completion. He says that it's better to suffer acutely for a little while in the beginning in order to be "free" later on. Perfect example of that for me would be any and every time I've tried to completely cut sugar out of my life. The second I slipped up, those old habits came back like it was yesterday. I don't do well with extreme changes or deprivation, so this year I'm trying to see it and even word it...differently.

Here are a few things that I am going to strive to make a habit in 2020. This doesn't mean they will be done to perfection forever, but I know that it's crucial to have a strong start for at LEAST a few weeks. James' said one way to help form a habit is to make a public declaration...so here we go:

1) Personal prayer and 10+ minutes of scripture study daily.
2) Making my bed and straightening my room daily.
3) Drink 100 ounces of water daily before allowing myself any other sort of beverage.
4) Eat at least 1 fruit and 1 vegetable a day.

This is a short list, but I know better than to overwhelm myself before I've even begun, especially since I'm already trying not to feel overwhelmed with the whole work/school/single mom combination. Firstly, I've learned over the past year that when I'm more invested and involved in my relationship with my Heavenly Father...I'm happier. I'm lighter. So I want to really try and make that a habit instead of a "when I remember to" kind of thing. I've also learned that when I start my day off with a made bed, my stress levels are way lower. Go figure! As far as eating...I'm not going to put any deprivations on my list like "no sugar" or "no carbs" or "no soda", but instead focus on these habits of things that I WILL do and see how they affect everything else first. The thing that will help the most with some of these is that my parents and I have agreed to focus on healthier eating together. Having 3 adults living in the same house (plus 2 teenagers and a 5 year old) makes it hard sometimes to keep the junk out of the house, but we're going to try. We know that for all 3 of us...if something is in the house, we're going to eat it. So if we just don't allow things like soda, chips, sweets to be in the fridge/pantry then that's a start. The kids aren't thrilled, but they could do with a few less cans of soda too these days haha.

Goals aside, I'm excited for a new year and a new decade. Life is finally starting to look up and we're no longer hyper-focused on the trauma of the past year and a half. Our new normal is finally starting to feel that way...normal. So bring on 2020 and all that comes with it. Happy New Year everyone!

The monotony and extreme importance of repetition...

Last night I was having a conversation with my oldest niece about fitness and nutrition and she asked if I was still writing in my blog. I told her I really hadn't been lately because after so many years and so many ups and downs, I'm starting to feel like I'm just repeating myself and not really going anywhere. And then as I headed to bed, I couldn't stop thinking about the concept of repetition and that it's actually not such a bad thing.

When it comes to my own personal journey, repetition means that I haven't given up. Sure, it may bore those who read this blog to read for the umpteenth time about how I've finally gotten myself back to the gym, but to me it's exciting! When we were living in Utah, I was in the habit of spending at LEAST 5-10 hrs a week at the good old Clearfield Aquatics and Fitness Center. Between teaching my own classes and being a student in others, it was my home away from home and it's what kept me sane. It also helped me to keep my eating somewhat in check.

After moving to Florida, our nearest gym was 25 mins away and was (in all honesty) in horrible shape. Old, rusty equipment, broken air conditioning, very few class options and I found it really hard to convince myself to go most days...especially if there wasn't a zumba class. But on July 1st, after watching the brand new construction finally get finished, a beautiful YMCA opened just 10 mins from my parents' home! Brand new equipment, TWO fitness studios, endless class options, and a lot of really friendly staff members.

It's amazing how "new" things bring new motivation and a fresh start. Since its grand opening, I have now been to 3 Zumba classes, a body pump class and a tabata strength class. And there's so many more I want to try! And that repetition is going to make exercising become a habit once again. It will become a NEED. It will finally become a regular part of my routine again and from there I know that other things will slowly start to fall into place.

My mental health has been a wreck for the past 13 months and I know that it will take time to heal...but when my physical health is a priority, my mental health drastically improves. I'm desperate to get back to the best version of myself both for my children's sake as well as my own and I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm off to a good start.

WAKE UP...DO MY BEST...SLEEP...REPEAT!!!

Don't tell me I can't...

I know that when people look at me nowadays...at 290+lbs...their mind doesn't go immediately to... "I bet she's a fitness instructor!" Believe me. I know this. Upon first glance, most people who don't know me would assume I've never worked out a day in my life and eat Big Macs for every meal. Now this isn't me trying to put myself down...and if you are honest with yourself, you've probably misjudged someone the same way at least once in your life. I have most certainly been guilty of that myself in the past. I know better now.

I also know that when I was at my healthiest...after losing 123lbs...that people looked at me and couldn't believe there was a time when I was over 330 lbs. A time when I wasn't in the gym every day or teaching fitness classes or coaching others in how to make changes in their own lives.

But I've been both of those people! I've been the extremely obese woman who never worked out, who ate thousands of calories a day and was miserable all the time. And I've been the strong, healthy, skinnier (for me and my height) fitness instructor who ate healthy more days than not and helped other people to do the same. The only difference is that now I'm a combination of both of those women and people aren't really sure what to make of that. What they first see with their eyes tends to win out over anything else.

This past year has been pure hell for me and my family and I took comfort in eating. I'm not proud of it and of course food doesn't fix anything...but that's what I did. I quit going to the gym at all for several months and I ate what I wanted because I "deserved it" after everything I was going through..and still am. But after a few months of this self-loathing and punishment, I realized that I really did NOT want to go back to who I was at 330+lbs and I went back to the gym. I found a Zumba class/instructor that I loved and I dove back in to running my weight loss group. But the damage had already been done.

In the past year I've put on 50+lbs and my body is feeling the strain. I can't jump quite as high or do as many jumping jacks or dance a salsa at quite the same speed. I become breathless much more quickly now...but in my head, I am still the same person I was a year ago. I can still choreograph a fun playlist for a Zumba class and then TEACH every single song. I can still plan a good, hard HIIT workout for a client. I can still coach someone on how they can improve their eating habits or ways to change up their workout regimen. I still have the licenses to teach Zumba/Zumba Gold and Pound classes. I still have the certificates saying that I can not only teach a group fitness class, but also be a personal trainer. I am still CPR/AED certified and I am still a nutrition coach. I may not look like I take my own advice, but I am still damn good at what I do when it comes to other people.

So don't tell me that I can't. Sure, many people benefit from working with a trainer who looks the part. My sister, Heidi, is herself one of those amazing trainers. She has worked hard for YEARS to get the body she has, but her body isn't what makes her good at her job. It's what's inside! She is smart and she is fun and most importantly, she knows how to push those she coaches to be their best selves. And that motivates people. Her students absolutely love her for it! But some people (like myself at times) can feel intimidated by coaches who look like my incredible sister. And walking into a classroom and seeing a woman my size at the front...then watching me push through a 60 minute class...makes them see that hey! Maybe they can do this too. Good coaches/instructors come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Some of the best I know have been either senior citizens or pregnant women! And the only way to find out if they're good at their job...is to let them do it.

This 290+ lb woman has helped more than 350 people lose weight and make changes to their lifestyles since 2011. That's not a brag, it's a fact. And a humbling one. 350+ people have trusted me with their most vulnerable selves. With their weights, their full body pictures, their losses and their gains, their triumphs and their pain-filled struggles. And through it all, they've watched me work alongside them and they've seen all of those same things from me. They've seen my ups and downs both physically and emotionally. They've seen that I'm HUMAN! They've seen that it's okay to fall. We all do it. But they've also seen me get back up...over and over again. And hopefully, if nothing else, it helps them to realize they can do the same. It is never too late to try again.

So don't tell me that I can't. Don't brush me off just because I'm a little different or a little bigger. I may have a lot of self-work to do, but I still have a lot to offer. And if you can't see that, someone else will. So thank you. Thank you for re-igniting my fire into a raging inferno. I can do anything that I put my mind to and no one is going to tell me otherwise. The number on the scale and the size of my jeans do NOT define me.

Here comes the exhale...

This entry is going to be the hardest one I've ever had to write, so please be gentle with your judgements and forgive my scattered thoughts. I'm sure I've said that before...but back then I didn't know how good I had it. I haven't written an entry since April. You could say I've been holding my breath this year. Trying to keep in all of the chaos and trauma and heartbreak and emotion. But it's the end of 2018 and it's finally time to exhale. So brace yourselves. And if you get through this whole entry, then thank you for listening. If not, that's okay too. Either way...as always...I write these for me. And it's time.

At the end of 2016, I was stressed out. My husband's job was being threatened and we were sure he'd lose it. But he didn't. And life went on. At the end of 2017, he DID lose his job and I was stressed out. 2 months later, he got his job back, but it came with a mandatory relocation. Across the country. And I was even more stressed out. Fast forward to now and I'd give anything to go back to just being "stressed out".

Now...this is a health and weight loss blog. So while this is MY blog and technically I can write about whatever I want, I will tell you right now that I'm not going to go into graphic detail about exactly why 2018 was the worst year of my life and the lives of my family. If we are good friends...you probably already know. And if you already know, you know that the "graphic details" should never and will never be aired on social media (if I can at all help it) as it's not solely my story to tell and frankly, as my friends and family keep reminding me...it's not really anyone's business. But 2018 had a profound effect on my health, both physically and mentally, and since writing is my favorite and most effective form of therapy (even my therapist agrees)...that's what I'm going to do.

One thing in 2018 that has had an effect on my health that I WILL tell you all about is the car accident I was in on May 19, 2018. I was rear ended on my way home from the dollar store a mile from my home. At the time, it didn't seem like it was all that bad. Yes, my rear lift-gate was damaged and needed thousands of $'s in repairs, but my airbag didn't go off and no one was severely injured. But within an hour, whiplash set in and I ended up in the ER twice within a week having every test possible run. Of course all that they found was "soft tissue damage" and I was told to ice it and take ibuprofen. That was in May. Now as the year closes out, I still deal with fairly frequent headaches and neck pain that only deep massage and a good snap from my chiropractor can help. I don't tell you all this to complain, but for someone who's life revolved around fitness this time a year ago, it has put a real damper on things. But still...this obstacle, for me, falls under my old definition of "stressed out". The one that really just seems silly now. But having that kind of almost daily discomfort/sometimes pain seems to exacerbate things, so it plays its part.

2018 ripped my life out from underneath me. "New year, new me" is a cliche phrase that we hear every January 1. I'm sure I've even used it in a blog entry at some point. But this year it holds all new meaning.

I am going into 2019 as a newly single, full-time mother of 4. Well...3 and a missionary currently serving in Durban, South Africa.

I am going into 2019 living with my (incredibly selfless) parents in Florida. If you know me, I HATE humidity and this was never in my plans.

I am going into 2019 without the job that I loved and at one time was passionate about.

I am going into 2019 with newly acquired depression and anxiety that push me to my limits on an almost daily basis.

I am going into 2019 without the amazing support system that I had back in UT, though they all do their best to keep in touch via chat/text...and I am struggling to open up enough to try and build relationships like that here.

I am going into 2019 extremely vulnerable and terrified of putting my full trust in anyone.

I am going into 2019 weighing over 290lbs...and at a point where my poor health didn't even rank in the top 5 on this list. This one has been very hard on me considering it wasn't much more than a year ago that I had lost more than 100lbs and was feeling the best I'd felt in my life.

I don't even recognize myself anymore. A year ago, life was amazing. I was happy. I truly had everything I wanted. My family, my job, my friends, my church, my health, my dreams...I was a bit spoiled! In an instant, it was all taken away. 2018 truly broke me. I am not the same Jill I was.

In that instant, it was like everything health related that I had spent the last 7 years of my life learning and building and working towards was forgotten. Lost. Unimportant. Food was once again my best friend. Exercise was an inconvenience. I mean, who wants to drive 25 mins to get to the gym where they don't know anyone? Well, I'm sure some people do, but I miss my workout buddies something fierce. My priorities no longer had any room for ME. For my health.

They say you can only focus your attention and will power on so many things at a time and that has proven so very true this year. But surprisingly (not), the heavier and more out of shape I've gotten since the end of May...the harder it's been to manage all of those things that ARE on my priorities list. Go figure huh? Who knew. *raises hand*. And yet...despite KNOWING that...it didn't matter. The effort that I know it takes for my body to shed weight and be strong and healthy...was no longer worth it to me.

Are ya still reading or have I depressed you enough to quit yet? But seriously...who is this person! This is not me! I'm usually miss optimistic. This is not the me that I worked so hard to bring out! It's not fair! I know change is supposed to help us grow and adversity make us stronger but THIS IS NOT FAIR! This trial can be over now...please and thank you. Because I don't know how much more I can take.

But if I've learned anything this year...it's that I am incredibly strong. Even when I really, REALLY don't want to be. My lock screen on my phone has said "I can do hard things" for almost 7 months now and it won't change anytime soon. Because I need that daily reminder. I can do hard things. And that includes finding a way to take what I've been given and using it as the first step on this all new path I've been set on. I can't control the things that have happened/were done to myself or to my family, but I can control how I let it determine the rest of my life. And while I know 2019 will still have many days where the fetal position is the only appealing course of action...it is going to be better than 2018. It has to be.

So to add to my list above:

I am going into 2019 with new opportunities and possibilities for the future.

I am going into 2019 as a certified Personal Trainer/Group Fitness instructor/Licensed Zumba/Pound Instructor.

I am going into 2019 as a BYU undergrad on track to (finally) finish her Bachelor's degree in Psychology.

I am going into 2019 with the most amazing and resilient children you will ever meet (I'm a tad biased, but it's true nonetheless) and I'm going to watch them overcome their own nightmares to do amazing things with their lives.

I am going into 2019 with great friends. Both old, new, and those still to come.

I am going into 2019 with 2 parents and 3 sisters who love me unconditionally despite my current state...and who have taken my kids and I in and helped us to find a new life here in good old FL.

I am going into 2019 with an understanding that I will probably never be back at a weight that appeals to the general public...and that's okay.

I am going into 2019 with the same food addiction issues I've struggled with my whole life, but with a desire to continue fighting against them. I'm not ready to give up.

I am going into 2019 with 2018 in my rear view mirror as much as possible. I know that 2018 will be a year that bleeds into every other year going forward, but it will not define me or my children.

*inhales*

*exhales*

Let's do this.

The spiral to beat all spirals...

This blog entry is really hard for me to write, but that just means I need to do it that much more. I haven't been this embarrassed since I started losing weight to begin with and that's saying something. I've fallen "off the wagon" before, but nothing like this and never for this long. So I'm just gonna say it.

This morning, I saw 268 on the scale. Yes. 268. That's up 46 lbs since Halloween. FORTY-SIX. And at least 20 of that is just in the past month. What the hell happened?? I gave up. That's what happened. The holidays brought your typical treats and food binges, but then my husband lost his job and I let the stress get to me. My food addiction has been in full swing and in complete control for the past several months. I've had bad weeks before but this was unprecedented. I kept waiting for it to "pass", but I just sank deeper and deeper. I...did...not...care. I have seriously never cared less about what I put into my body. As a fitness instructor and nutrition coach who runs a weight loss group...it's horrifying for me to type that.

I'm sure some people are thinking that maybe there's something medically wrong going on in my body to gain so much weight so fast...but if you knew all the things I'd eaten over the past 4-5 months, you'd quickly change your mind. I did this to myself. And it breaks my heart. I've almost completely undone all the hard work I did last year and it makes me SO MAD.

But this isn't about the number on the scale, horrifying as it is. It's about how I feel. And I feel like CRAP.

-I no longer fit into most of my clothes
-Teaching my classes is 10 times harder and I know my students can tell
-I have very little energy to do things and am tired ALL the time
-I don't sleep well anymore
-Sitting in certain chairs has gotten difficult again
-I can't cross my legs the way I used to
-I only work out when I'm being paid to
-I'm lucky if I eat one or two fruits/veggies a week
-I no longer know how to help other people with their own struggles

Trying to run Jilly's Losers started to feel so hypocritical that I put the group on a mandatory break about a month ago. I had to. I couldn't do it anymore. How can I coach and inspire other people to become healthier when I had no desire to take care of ME?

I can't keep doing this to myself. Why can't I find a freaking balance between extremes? I don't do well in moderation. I can't control my sugar/food addiction any more than anyone can control any other addiction. AND IT PISSES ME OFF!!!!

But at least now I can say that some of my surrounding circumstances have changed. Maybe that will help pull me out of this seemingly bottomless pit. Nathan got a job and I quit mine. I will continue teaching Zumba, but I will no longer be working the front desk at the gym. This will allow me to be home for dinner most nights, which I think will make the biggest difference. The last thing I've wanted to do the past few months is cook myself dinner when I get home at 9pm. So it's been quick drive-thru options really late at night....several times a week. Not anymore. Not only has it been adding the lbs back on but it's been extremely hard on my wallet and that has to stop.

Noticing how much sugar we've been having around the house lately, my children have asked if we could all do a no sugar challenge until my birthday in June. I'm glad it was their idea because that's the only way I think I'd ever have agreed. I can do anything for my kids. I know...I should do it for me...but right now, this is all I've got. So starting today, it's all been tossed out. No more desserts. I'm not going to go as extreme as I did this time last year and beat myself up about carbs AND sugar at the same time...I'm just going to give up the sweets and go from there.

I'll add in more fruits and veggies and whole grains...and water. LOTS of water. No more soda for a while. I just need to go back to basics...and more importantly...to fueling my body so that it feels GOOD again. I miss feeling good. I miss feeling strong. I want that back. I don't care what the scale says as long as I FEEL good. So that's my goal. Pamper my body with foods that make it feel good...and get in a few workouts a week that I'm not being paid to do. I miss the workouts I was doing for ME. I love teaching so very much. It is my passion. But when I teach, it's for my students, its' not for me. And I miss that.

So it's back to day 1...again...for the millionth time. And I'd appreciate any support and encouragement I can get. And please...DO NOT BRING MY FAMILY TREATS ANYMORE! haha. It's time to re-learn how to tell myself...NO.

Week 1...the good the bad and the blah...

So obviously, my schedule these days is not conducive to a daily blog entry and that's okay. It'll make them a little less boring...maybe? Week 1 actually went pretty well. I didn't stick to keto 100% like I did the first time around, but 90% lost me 7.8lbs in week 1 so I'm happy about it! I know it was 7.8lbs that was mostly water and all put on pretty recently, but at least it came back off quickly.

As always, the problem is sticking to it. The problem with NOT going 100% like I did last year is that after I weigh-in with my group on Tuesdays, I tend to reward myself with a treat meal. What's wrong with that? Nothing...in theory...if I kept it at just one meal. And I thought I could. But then Wednesday afteroon, my daughter brought home a box of World's Finest chocolates to sell for the National Jr. Honor Society and the rest is history.

I had 3 chocolate bars (luckily they're skinnier and thinner than the last time I remember eating them so at least there's that...)...and then that set off ALLLLLL the cravings. I think I had an omelette in there somewhere yesterday to pretend I was being healthy...but most of the day was sugar. Tootsie rolls, mini cheesecakes, caramels....and a whopper and fries at 10:30pm cause I was bumming about a rough volleyball game and of course that must mean I'm dying of starvation and need a whopper, right? Cause who doesn't. Also...fry sauce.

Ugh....

Why do I do this to myself? I know I'm not the only one either. I was telling my group this morning that I wish I were one of those people who just really isn't that big into food and only eats cause they need to to live. I mean yes...I am glad I enjoy eating, but wish maybe I just enjoyed it a lot less. I know more people who are food addicts than people who are food toleraters...but they do exist! Strange people they are :P (Sorry Liz! haha) And sometimes I'm jealous.

I really don't want to re-gain those 7.8lbs though and I know I'm going to eat some fun things while we watch the Super Bowl on Sunday (GO PATS!!!!) so I need to get back on track HARD today. Stating that outloud (or whatever you call this) helps me to feel more committed in doing that. And it's not just about not wanting to re-gain weight. I feel like absolute crap when I eat that way. If only that were enough to make me stop, right?

So today's a new day. I'll keep it clean and get in a good workout teaching Zumba tonight and then I will NOT have fast food for dinner. Shouldn't be anyway. Need the $.

But man was that whopper good...

Day 3...when your body fights you on it...

Yesterday was another success food wise! I didn't even eat any Halo Top! My good friend, Maren, made me some healthy granola that I was pretty excited about...so I may have eaten an extra serving there, but still kept my macros in check.

Yesterday's issue was more physical. It seems I pulled a glute muscle playing volleyball Wednesday night...and I also have junk settling back into my chest again, so I'm not feeling super fantastic. Both of those things compounding made it hard to teach my Zumba class last night, but I faked my way through it. The hardest thing about not feeling well is avoiding the tendency to comfort myself with food. I wanted to. I really wanted to. But I didn't. I know it would've made me feel better in the moment, but I would've felt yuckier this morning.

Physical ailments also cause severe sleep deprivation, so I'm writing this blog on about 3 hrs of sleep and I'm sure I'm rambling. Sorry about that! But I know how important sleep is to my health and so when I don't get it, it tends to affect my whole day. So this is me telling you that I won't let it do that today. I won't let my lack of sleep become an excuse to eat whatever I want today. I will fuel my body properly because I know it will help me feel better faster. (Yeah, I'm pretty much writing this to convince myself at this point.) I won't eat crap today, I won't eat crap today...

My hubby did find me my new favorite breakfast though. I love omelettes, but suck at making them. He found these things called "Just crack an egg" and they're DELICIOUS! So I'll start there.

Time to end the rambling. Without even reading back I know this blog entry is a mess. Maybe I'll go take a napzzzzzzzzzzzz

Day 2...trying to be positive...

Why is it that the first day of anything seems to last FOREVERRRR. I'm proud to say I made it through Day 1 successfully and saw a 2lb drop on the scale this morning...though I know that's just water weight. It's still nice to see that what I'm eating actually does matter and make a difference. I will admit that when I got home at 11pm last night from a volleyball game (which we won, woohoo!) that I ate an entire pint of Halo Top peanut butter ice cream...but I had saved enough carbs to do so, so I don't feel bad in the slightest. I didn't intend on eating the whole thing, but I got so into watching "This is Us" that I didn't realize I'd finished it off, till I did. I'm grateful for keto friendly desserts!

This week in my Jilly's Losers group, I decided to do a body positivity challenge because I'd noticed a lot of people putting themselves down over their weight or their looks or their habits, including me. The timing of this challenge is perfect for me because it's helping me to focus on my WHY again. It's also helping me to remember just how far I've come. Today's challenge was to take a full body picture in an outfit that we feel sexiest or most confident in. In a challenge like this, I know I need to set the example, so I got showered, curled my hair, did my makeup and put on a pair of skinny jeans and a long sleeve top...both of which I'd bought a few months ago at Old Navy to show myself I could fit into a smaller size and that I wasn't in fact "too fat" to wear them! After a tough couple of months with food (freaking holidays!), I wasn't sure I'd be able to get them on today....

...but I did! And I feel good! I told everyone they had to be smiling in their pictures and that they weren't allowed to say ANYTHING negative about them. I'll admit that part was hard for me. I wanted to point out the little bulges and imperfections...but I didn't. I smiled and I owned it. And I'm proud of that. (not proud of the mess on the floor behind me, but I'll get to it haha).

I still have a long way to go with my weight/body fat composition and more clothing sizes to drop...but I have definitely gotten better at loving my body at every stage of this journey. It's strong and it's healthy and it does things I never thought it ever could. So here's to day 2. I'm ready for ya.

Accountability...Day 1

One of the main reasons I created "Jilly's Losers" back in 2011 was to give myself accountability on my weight loss journey. Having to weigh in with my friends and post pictures and do challenges made it easier to keep my motivation up. After doing those things for more than 6 years, I guess it shouldn't surprise me that having to do those things doesn't even phase me anymore. Telling people my weight or posting a picture in a sports bra is just another day for me and that's making it hard for me to keep my motivation up for more than a week or two at a time. Needless to say, I'm feeling frustrated.

I made it through January 12th with no sugar and low carb before I headed out on vacation to meet my new, adorable nephew in New Jersey! I actually didn't eat as horribly as I normally would on vacation. My sister and I made some really healthy meals and only ate out twice. I was pretty proud of us. But I still caved on the sugar and ate more carbs than I had been and as has become predictable with me...it triggered another fall off the wagon once I got home. Writing about this stuff is getting old, but at the same time I can acknowledge that over the past 6 years...the times I was doing the best were the times I was consistently writing in my blog and tracking my food on MFP. I'm sure I've said that before as well, but hey...sometimes we forget ;)

All this extra holiday weight really is making me feel like crap. Not because I "feel fat" but because I have less energy, my stomach feels heavy and in knots and I feel on the verge of illness all the time when I'm not fueling my body properly. And yet I keep doing it! (And I know many people who do!) So rather than waiting for "Monday" or "January 1" to roll around again, I'm gonna start today. Again. For the 2098234th time. (Get used to it, I'll be writing entries like this for the rest of my life haha).

So this is day 1. Again. As hard as the ketogenic diet is during those first 2 weeks, I still remember how much I LOVED it once I got going last year and how easy it became. So I just need to fake it till I make it through those first 2 weeks and then I'll be fine. Lucky you, this means (hopefully) daily blog entries again just to help push myself through it. I've got my pepperoni and cheese snacks stocked up, I've made some low-carb/no sugar cheesecake bars for my "treats"  and I've got my pinterest fired up and ready to go.

At this point, it's not even so much about the weight loss that I know will come from doing it (though it's always nice). I am just really tired of feeling gross. No more.

Jilly's Losers Season 35 Rules!!

1. Season 35 will begin on Tuesday, January 9, 2018. It will last 8 weeks and our final weigh-in will be on Tuesday, March 6.

2. The buy-in fee this season will be $25. This is a singles season. Fees should be sent via Paypal to Jillyslosers@gmail.com with the note “Season 35 buyin fee” and your name. All fees MUST be paid by January 16. Make sure to mark your payments as being sent to family and friends to avoid any PayPal fees.

3. This season we’re going to try something a little different. Since we have so many people participating, it will be like we’re actually running multiple competitions at one time. Here’s how it will work! There will be two separate weight loss competitions going on. They will be separated by weight grouping. The final groups will depend on where everyone stands at the starting weigh-in, but ideally they will be something like this:

Group 1: (Weight 200 and under)
Group 2: (Weight 201 and up)

If after our starting weigh-in, I find that the groups are severely imbalanced, I’ll adjust accordingly. You will only be competing against those within your own group for weight loss! What this means is that there will be more winners as well! Each group’s prize pot will be equivalent to the # of people in that group. The person with the highest % of weight loss in each group will win 60% of their group’s prize pot. 2nd place will win 30% of their group’s pot. And the remaining 10% will go to a points winner, which will be explained below. (NOTE: All prizes are given after challenge rewards are paid out and 15% is taken out of the pot for myself since I was forced to promise I would do so during our last season! Thanks guys, I appreciate it.)

NOTE: For those of us who are current group members returning for season 35, your final season 34 weight and your starting season 35 weight will be compared and the lower of the 2 will be used as your OFFICIAL season 35 starting weight! (If for whatever reason you chose to skip the final weigh-in of season 34, your week 5 weight will be used in comparison) This means that if you start season 35 higher than you ended season 34, those extra lbs won’t count towards your weight loss. Let’s start the new year off right and don’t spend the first week overindulging. We did that all last month haha. For those who are coming in brand new…Please don’t make me be the bad guy. I know it’s tempting to eat all the food the night before starting a new health plan, but please keep things honest and do not pad your starting weight this way.(HUGE week 1 weight loss will be viewed with suspicion) This group is very much about honesty. I know that it can be hard between seasons to keep control over our eating, but let’s all try not to go too crazy!

4. Regarding weigh-ins: We have mandatory weekly weigh-ins every Tuesday. (Why Tuesdays? Because that's the day that The Biggest Loser aired on NBC when I started this group and it's just stuck!) Your weight picture must be posted by midnight MST to count! Please weigh in under the same circumstances every week (morning/night/clothed or not, etc) As for strikes...you are allowed 2 missed weigh-ins per person. That's 1 per month (or 2 in a row). On the 3rd missed weigh-in, you will be disqualified and you will not get your $ refunded. (You may continue to stay in the group and weigh-in but you will not be eligible to win any $ or prizes either from challenges or the final weigh-in) Remember that weigh-ins must be a picture of the # on your scale. Not just a post of your weight. I will also allow a picture of any weight watchers weigh in stickers as I know a few people in our group participate in those weekly weigh-ins and I know they are legit. Just make sure that you use the same scale all season. (At the very least, you MUST use the same scale for your starting and final weights)

5. Before pictures are MANDATORY. The pictures may be with or without a shirt (you'll notice more of a change if you do it without), but they must be full body pictures. If your before picture is not submitted within the first week of competition (by January 16), you will be disqualified. (If you submitted an "after" picture for season 34, that will count as your "before" picture for season 35) Those who win prizes at the end of the season will not receive their prize money until an AFTER picture has been submitted and they must do so within 48 hrs of the winning announcement.
NOTE: Newcomers to this group always worry that their pictures posted in the group will show up for the public to see. This group is secret. As long as you are on the group wall BEFORE posting your pictures, no one will see them but those in the group. Your pictures will show up on your own feed when you view it, but I promise you no one else can see it!

6. Starting and final weights will be confirmed with a KEY WORD. This is to ensure that starting and ending pictures are truly taken on the day of the weigh-in and not before. I will post the KEY WORD in this group the night before the first and last weigh-ins. It should be written on a piece of paper or notecard and placed at your feet in the front of your scale before taking your picture.

7. We will continue doing weekly challenges. I try to come up with new challenges whenever, possible, but for those of you who have been around a while, I'm sorry to say you will see some repeats! Each challenge will have different rewards/prizes that will hopefully help keep people motivated. There will even be a couple big prizes depending on how large a group we have! And it looks like it will be a HUGE one!

8. POINTS!!! As mentioned above, we will be tracking points this season for various things.

POINTS SYSTEM DETAILS!!! (borrowed from sixsistersstuff.com) -There is a weekly point calendar for each of the 8 weeks. (It will be posted as a separate document under the “Files” tab on the group page) Print it out and use to track your points and weight loss. If you prefer to use an excel spreadsheet that will do your math for you, Cody Mecham made one a few seasons ago that we’ve updated and will post as well for you to download.

-Beginning on Week #2 there is a double point challenge (highlighted in yellow)

-You can exercise each day, but you will only receive points for exercising 5 days a week.

-You can avoid carbs after lunch every day, but you’ll only receive points for doing so 4 times in a week (Carbs in this case is referring to the obvious…breads, pastas, cereal, grains/oatmeal etc, sweets. Fruits and veggies are FINE!)

-You can choose to not eat sugar/treats each day, but you will only receive points for not eating sugar on 6 days (everyone needs a free day!).

-There is a sample food journal that you can use or you can use your own kind of food journal to keep track of what you eat.

-Daily contact with teammate: It’s amazing the strength that comes from encouragement from your teammates! We said that you could email, call, or text someone in the group to encourage them to have a healthy day. It helps knowing that you are all in this together and makes you accountable for what you do or don’t do. Posting or commenting on the group page also counts. Hitting LIKE does NOT count!

-Example of maintenance points – If your weight is the same or lower than your lowest weight of the season, you will get 5 points. There will be no points this season for losing so that will save everyone some math!

NOTE!!!!! Points totals MUST be sent to Jill Tracy via PRIVATE message by midnight MST each Tuesday. With such a large group, I’m afraid there will be no exceptions. If you forget to tell me one week…they won’t count. I’m sorry!

9. Remember that this group is about gaining health and losing weight through eating right and exercising. EXTREME FAD DIETS/PILLS/POWDERS/CLEANSES ETC ARE NOT ALLOWED!!. Weight Watchers and things like that are fine, but no pills/drops/powders etc.

10. This group is only for those who will be actively participating in the competition this season, so while I hope everyone will stick around, please know that if you choose not to join us this season, you will be removed from the group. You are always welcome to join us in later seasons :)

2018...New year, new blah blah blah, you get the picture...

Last January I wrote a blog similar to this one. I set a lot of goals for myself...and then broke my foot the next day and got set back just a tad. But as I read back over that blog entry today I realized that I actually did a pretty dang good job despite all of that. I got back to exercising for myself (instead of just teaching), I got back into the habit of tracking my food, I wrote more blog entries, and while I didn't reach my goal of 207lbs, I still lost 60lbs from March to October. That's not bad at all.

And then then Halloween hit.

I'm sure most people can tell when things aren't going well for me health/fitness wise because I stop blogging. Needless to say, I spent Halloween to New Years eating all the food. All of it. And man was it gooooooooooood. But by the end of December, I was beyond ready for the influx of goodies and excuses to eat...to be OVER. And now they are. Deep breath in and it's time to move forward!

I know it's cliche to wait until New Years Day to start fresh, but it's a very real mental obstacle. I joked that I would wake up today with renewed motivation and will power....and I was right. I totally did. I woke up at 7:30am on a holiday and went to the gym where I took a 60 minute spin class  and then snuck next door to finish the last 30 minutes of a Pound class. My legs were jello. Then I came home and made myself a low-carb/high protein waffle with berries and cream and started chugging my water. It was like the last few months of carb-maggedon never happened (unless you ask the scale). And it felt great.

It's time to get back into the ketogenic swing of things full time and let it start working again. It worked last year...it will work again. This is the year I am going to see a "1" at the beginning of my weight. It's going to happen. I haven't been under 200lbs since December of 1999 and IT IS TIME people. I am going to stick to keto until it happens. So if we're friends, I'm going to ask that you help me get there...whether that means dragging me to the gym or not being offended when I say "no thank you" to some undoubtedly delicious thing you've made! I need this. I need my body to be in the best shape it can be.

Why? Well...sometime very soon I will officially become a certified Personal Trainer (YAYYY!!) and I'm pretty stinking excited. And while I am in "good" shape, I need to be in far better shape to be effective when it comes to helping other people reach their goals. I need to set a good example. If I'm being honest, I also don't want to be known around the gym as "the fat personal trainer". So I won't be.

So here is my list of goals for 2018, and hopefully I can be as successful as I was in 2017 if not moreso!

1) I will complete my personal trainer certification and have at least 5 regular clients by the end of the year.
2) I will continue tracking my food daily, even on the rough days.
3) I will stick to the ketogenic diet 90%
4) I will exercise at least 2 times a week on top of teaching my own classes and one of those two WILL be strength training.
5) I will weigh 199 or less by 2019
6) Regardless of where my weight stands from week to week, I will be proud of how far I have come and remember that I am more than just a number.

So bring it on 2018. And if you could...please don't toss anymore big injuries my way. I've had serious ones the last two years in a row and I'm kinda over it. Thanks.

Season 34 Holiday Rules & Guidelines!

1. Season 34 will begin on Tuesday, November 21. It will last 6 weeks and our final weigh in will be on Tuesday, January 2, 2018.

2. The buy-in fee this season will be $25. This is a singles season. Fees should be sent via Paypal to Jillyslosers@gmail.com with the note “Season 34 buyin fee” and your name. All fees MUST be paid by November 28. Make sure to mark your payments as being sent to family and friends to avoid any PayPal fees.

3. This season happens to fall during the holidays, which has always proved to be the roughest season of the year for Jilly's Losers. So this season will be a little different than the rest of the year and hopefully a bit less stressful (for me too!) For the first time ever, we’re going to do a “Choose your own goal” season! You may choose to either maintain or to try and lose some weight over the holidays. Whatever you choose, it’s up to you! When you post your starting weigh-in photo, you will also state your goal weight for the end of the season. You may not change it once you post it unless the change is to lose MORE. Anyone who reaches their goal weight will split the prize pot after the 6 weeks are up! Hopefully everyone reaches their goal and the split ends up only being a few bucks, but don’t worry! You’ll still have the chance to win bigger prizes for challenges! (NOTE: All prizes are given after challenge rewards are paid out and 10% is taken out of the pot for myself as insisted upon by you brats a few seasons back *grumbles*. Thank you lol)

ATTENTION!: For those of us who are current group members returning for season 34, I’m going to do something you may or may not enjoy haha. Your goal weight for the holiday season must be at or below your final weight for season 33. (If you missed the final weigh-in, your 3rd week weigh-in will be used. If you DQ’d before that, you will start over.) It really won’t be so bad though since all you have to do is be AT or LOWER than that weight in 6 week’s time. It’s totally doable for every single one of us! NOTE: You will still weigh-in on the 21st so that we can see where everyone is at and how we did on our week off!

4. Regarding weigh-ins: We have mandatory weekly weigh-ins every Tuesday. (Why Tuesdays? Because that's the day that The Biggest Loser aired on NBC when I started this group and it's just stuck!) Your weight picture must be posted by MIDNIGHT MST to count! Please weigh in under the same circumstances every week (morning/night/clothed or not, etc) As for strikes...you are allowed 2 missed weigh-ins per person. On the 3rd missed weigh-in, you will be disqualified and you will not get your $ refunded. (You may continue to stay in the group and weigh-in but you will not be eligible to win any $ or prizes either from challenges or the final weigh-in) Remember that weigh-ins must be a picture of the # on your scale WITH your feet showing. Not just a post of your weight.

5. Before pictures are MANDATORY. The pictures may be with or without a shirt (you'll notice more of a change if you do it without), but they must be full body pictures. If your before picture is not submitted within the first week of competition (by Nov. 28), you will be disqualified. (If you submitted an "after" picture for season 33, that will count as your "before" picture for season 34) Those who win prizes at the end of the season will not receive their prize money until an AFTER picture has been submitted and they must do so within 48 hrs of the winning announcement. NOTE: Newcomers to this group always worry that their pictures posted in the group will show up for the public to see. This group is secret. As long as you are on the group wall BEFORE posting your pictures, no one will see them but those in the group. Your pictures will show up on your own feed when you view it, but I promise you no one else can see it!

6. Starting and final weights will be confirmed with a KEY WORD. This is to ensure that starting and ending pictures are truly taken on the day of the weigh-in and not before. I will post the KEY WORD in this group the night before the first and last weigh-ins. It should be written on a piece of paper or notecard and placed at your feet in the front of your scale before taking your picture.

7. We will continue doing weekly challenges. They are not mandatory. But for this season, they will work a little differently! I like to do a 12 days of Christmas kind of thing where every day for 12 days (leading up to Christmas), a different prize is given away in a drawing. They will range from small gift cards to some really big prizes (depending on how big our group is)! What this means is that all of the challenges leading up to the 12 days of Christmas will earn you raffle ticket entries that can be used in any drawing you choose. Once the 12 days of Christmas begin, I will announce that day’s raffle prize first thing in the morning and you will have until that evening to decide if you want to use some of your tickets for the drawing, which will be done that night via FB live video. It’s a lot of fun with some fun prizes and hopefully will motivate everyone to work hard on the challenges to earn lots of tickets! NOTE: You may only win ONE prize during the 12 days of Christmas.

8. POINTS!!! Since so many of us rely on the points system to keep us on track during the week, I'd like to keep using it. The person with the most points at the end of 6 weeks will win a $25 Target or Amazon gift card.

-There is a weekly point calendar for each of the 6 weeks. (It will be posted as a separate document under the “Files” tab on the group page) Print it out and use to track your points and weight loss. If you prefer to use an excel spreadsheet that will do your math for you, Cody Mecham made one a few seasons ago that I’ve updated and will post as well for you to download.-Beginning on Week #2 there is a double point challenge (highlighted in yellow)

-You can exercise each day, but you will only receive points for exercising 5 days a week. You can earn 5 points for 30-44 mins of exercise and 7 points for 45+ mins. Just enter the minutes of exercise in the box on the excel sheet.

-Instead of no sugar/treats this season, we’re limiting it to one treat/serving per day. So when a neighbor brings over Christmas cookies, you just get one! Hopefully this will prevent any binges, but also allow us to enjoy the holidays in moderation.

-I’ve replaced “no carbs after lunch” with “get 7 hrs of sleep”, which may end up being harder for some! You can get 5 points for this…up to 4 times each week. “Sleep” means being in your bed TRYING to sleep. No phone, no tv, etc. You won’t be penalized for bathroom breaks or nursing babies.

-There is a sample food journal that you can use or you can use your own kind of food journal to keep track of what you eat.

-Daily contact with teammate: It’s amazing the strength that comes from encouragement from your teammates! We said that you could email, call, or text someone in the group to encourage them to have a healthy day. It helps knowing that you are all in this together and makes you accountable for what you do or don’t do. Posting or commenting on the group page also counts. Hitting LIKE does NOT count!

-There will be no extra points for pounds lost, but instead just the 5 points for either maintaining or beating your lowest weight of the season. NOTE!!!!! Points totals MUST be messaged via Facebook to Jill Tracy by midnight MST each Tuesday in order to be counted. With such a large group, I’m afraid there will be no exceptions. If you forget to tell me one week…they won’t count. I’m sorry!

9. Remember that this group is about gaining health and losing weight through eating right and exercising. Extreme/fad diets are not allowed. Weight Watchers and things like that are fine, but no pills/drops/powders etc.

10. This group is only for those who will be actively participating in the competition this season, so while I hope everyone will stick around, please know that if you choose not to join us this season, you will be removed from the group. You are always welcome to join us in later seasons :)

Before and After...

What does that mean exactly. "Before and after" what? For most of the world, the first thought upon hearing those words or seeing someone's "before and after" pictures...whether it be for weight loss or any other drastic change...is that the "before" is bad and the "after" is good. Our first thought is, "Wow! You look so much better! Good for you!". But have you ever really stopped to think about the "in between"? Or the fact that there really is no "after" when it comes to losing weight and becoming healthier?

Before and after isn't just a picture. It's oh so much more than that.

Before...

I was morbidly obese.
I was depressed.
The most exercise I got was grocery shopping.
I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I wore a size 28.
I wore clothes that were baggy to hide myself.
I couldn't climb the stairs without feeling like I was dying.
I couldn't fit in most chairs.
I couldn't play with my kids for very long.
I snuck food and often ate in my car.
I had no friends because I didn't want anyone to see me.
I didn't feel attractive or worth anything.
I could go on, but I won't....this list is long enough.

After...

Well...frankly...there is no after. I'm not done! I never will be...because I'm not on a diet that will one day end with me being my ideal weight forever without having to work on it anymore. HA! If only, huh?

So how about this.

Now...

I'm only a few lbs over being labeled as "overweight".
I am the happiest I've ever been.
I exercise almost daily, whether in someone else's class or teaching my own!
I've learned how to enjoy eating healthier without feeling like I'm deprived all the time.
I wear a size 16.
I workout in leggings and a tank top and feel pride in my body and what it can do.
I can take the stairs running (though I still hate them!)
I can sit wherever I want...comfortably. AND I can cross my legs!
I can keep up with my kids no matter what they're doing and I set a good example for them!
I only eat in the car when on road trips and I'm not ashamed of what I eat (though we all have bad days!)
I have more friends than I can count and they support and love me in my journey.
I feel sexy! And I love myself and know that I am worth the love of others.
And finally...(for now anyway)...I am PROUD of myself.

But as great as all of those things are...they are far from being an "after". That list doesn't talk about the in between. I have worked HARD to get to where I am now and will have to continue to do so for the rest of my life. I will never be "done" with working out or "done" with eating fewer calories and having to exercise control over WHAT goes into my mouth and how much. If I stop doing those things...I will go back to the "before". And I don't want that. I am a food addict if ever there was one and I struggle every single day with cravings and the desire to eat anything and everything. Sugar is my crack.

I have been running Jilly's Losers (my online weight loss community) for 6 years now. In those 6 years, 310 (yes...I counted) different people have joined and given it a try. 310. That's a lot of people. Some of them stuck around and have become like my second family, though most of us have never met. A lot, however, found that it wasn't for them and only stayed for one season. It made me sad going through 33 seasons worth of names and not remembering so many of them.

Do you know how many "before and after" pictures I have on my computer from 33 seasons? That is A LOT of befores. But if we're getting nitpicky...there aren't really any "afters". I can't think of a single person who joined Jilly's Losers...changed their life, got healthy, lost weight and then said, "well, I'm all done. Thanks for the help!" and left forever without ever having to struggle again. We're all a work in progress. Every single one of us "losers" still has work to do.

I've seen countless stories in the past 6 years. I've seen severely overweight people become thin. I've seen couch potatoes become gym rats and marathon runners. I've seen people recover from injuries and life changing surgeries. I've seen people completely transform their entire lives in more ways than you can imagine and it's BEAUTIFUL to watch. But if you think it's been 6 years of nothing but the positive then you obviously haven't given it a shot yourself yet ;)

I've also seen determination turn to frustration turn to "I QUIT!" I've seen hundreds of pounds lost only to be regained again. I've seen healthy, hard-working athletes succumb to injury/illness. I've seen months and years of hard work seem to come undone as a result of work, stress, death, birth, sugar, addiction, exhaustion.....and any other number of things.

I've seen...LIFE.

And life is what happens between the "before and after".

I am beyond proud of all of the "works in progress" that I have had the opportunity to meet and work with. I have loved getting to know so many people and hearing their successes and their struggles. Every pound or inch lost...every burpee or pushup or mile run (or whatever crazy challenge I've made them do!)...has changed lives and pushed ME to be better. I am inspired daily by those I call my "losers" and while there may be times I feel overwhelmed or tired of the work involved...I wouldn't trade my losers for anything.

So here are just a few of them :) Each of them has worked their butts off (literally) to get to where they are now and I have LOVED watching their journeys. I'm grateful that I've gotten to walk alongside them for even a part of those journeys and I know I've made lifelong friends because of it.

This is Chrissy "before"! She started her journey long before she became a "loser" and she has inspired me every day since we met. She's a mom and an incredible photographer...and she is HILARIOUS!

NOW! Chrissy is down 135lbs and is as badass as they come. I asked her what is something she loves to do now that she couldn't before. In true Chrissy style, she said, "I love that I can sit cross-legged in chairs now. I spend so much time with my legs twisted under me and it's the best thing ever." It's the little things.

This is Kate "before"! She is a mom of 3 and works with the children's ministry at her church. She and I met in a workout class at our gym a few years ago and have been close friends ever since. I don't even recognize the girl in this picture!

NOW! Kate has worked extremely hard (this past year especially) to make exercise a regular habit and to entirely change the way she looks at food. She has lost 45lbs! She is now an avid runner and although she hates Zumba, we are still the best of friends haha. THOSE ABS THOUGH!!!

This is Cody! I've shared his story before, but it is worth repeating. Cody is the reason I finally gave the ketogenic diet a try this year and subsequently lost so much weight. He did it himself first and lost close to 100lbs! He has been such a wonderful motivator and source of knowledge for me and I know his entire life has changed because of the changes he made in himself and his lifestyle.

This is Melissa "before"! She often shares the story of being called a "petite plus sized woman" when this picture was taken at her son's 8th grade graduation several years ago and how that comment set her on the path that got her to where she is now!

NOW! Melissa lost 67 lbs to reach her goal weight and has been maintaining for months now...but she still sticks around my group for support. Little does she know that she's the one supporting us. She is strong and determined and doesn't let anything stop her. She recently completed her first marathon and qualified to run in the Boston Marathon in 2018!! She retook her "before" picture at the same son's high school graduation this year and the difference is stunning. Especially in her smile :)

This is Shari! I met Shari in a Zumba class at the gym. She was quiet and reserved but she never missed a class. I watched her from the back as she kept coming back smaller...and smaller, the smile on her face growing bigger and bigger. I admired her long before we ever said hello. Now she is one of my very best friends. We are workout buddies and each other's support system...and if there were a "Foodies anonymous" group, we'd probably be each other's sponsor. Despite a tough year, she has made her health a priority and I'm beyond proud of how far she's come. She's lost 64lbs! She pushes me to be better every day.

These "before" and "now" shots make my heart happy. Seeing my friends happy...makes my heart happy. But the best "before" and "after" of this whole thing is that before I met these people...and all 310 that have come through Jilly's Losers...I was a wreck. After meeting them, my life has changed for the better in more ways than I could ever count. Each of them has taught me something(s) and each of them has carried me through my own tough spots more than they know. I'm grateful we are all a part of one another's "in between".

100lbs gone...again...

On July 2, 2013...I posted my giddiest post ever. I had lost 100lbs and was over the moon about it. It was fun to go back and read this yesterday as my scale FINALLY made it's way back to that mark.

It has taken me a long time to re-lose the weight I put on when I got pregnant with Cooper in 2014. It was very frustrating to see that scale go all the way back up to 284.1 before I finally buckled down in March of this year. I had forgotten how much better I feel at this weight. Everything is physically easier...work, play, cleaning...everything. And I love it.

When I hit this mark the first time around, my mama was in town and took me shopping for a whole new wardrobe. Hitting this mark again, I'm fitting back into those clothes and it feels like a whole new wardrobe all over again! It's nice to have clothes in my closet just waiting for me to wear them again...but it'll be even more exciting when I finally get into NEW territory.

I have 23 lbs to go before I hit 207lbs, which is how low I had gotten in 2014 I was when I found out I was pregnant. I would really like to break the 200 barrier by new years, but I'll be happy to hit 207 again. Of course these next 3 months are the hardest 3 of the year when it comes to weight loss...at least for me. Food is EVERYWHERE over the next 3 months and it's all my favorite kinds. October won't be so bad because my family is still doing "no sugar" until Halloween. But I need to come up with some ideas for how to keep myself from going overboard on pumpkin flavored everything and Christmas goodies when the time comes. I refuse to be the person who won't have any at all. I'll never be that person. But I'm going to have to set some boundaries so that I can enjoy the things I love (and only get once a year) without going on a complete binge. Being so close to my goal should help :) So will spending Christmas at home I suppose. We were hoping to go to Florida for Gregory's last Christmas before going on his mission next year...but airline prices are ridonkulous. So we'll be here. One plus to that is not having my mom's famous Christmas fudge in my face for 2 weeks straight haha. (Love you mama!)

Losing the weight this time around has definitely been harder. This last pregnancy screwed up the way my body works when it comes to weight loss and I had to tweak some things...but I've learned I really can do hard things. And those hard things have been completely worth it. I just feel...good. Really good. And I'm excited to inch closer to seeing a "1" at the front of my weight for the first time since 1998. It's gonna happen this time people. Nothing's gonna stop me.

Pep Talk...

One of the mini-challenges I gave my group this week was to write themselves a pep talk and share it with their teammates. So here's mine...

Jill...you have come such a long way, it's almost impossible to see the starting line. I know your motivation rises and falls like the worlds craziest roller-coaster, but you always bounce back from the lows. Always. When the tough days come, lean on the amazing friends and family you have that have always been there to support you. You wouldn't be where you are without them!

You can do hard things. You've changed your diet, your exercise habits, your way of thinking, your level of self-confidence and respect, your habits...your entire life. You are a completely new person and a constant work in progress. So even though sometimes you might feel like you're tired and fed up and like it's just not worth the effort any more...don't give up. Those feelings always pass. Always. Push through them, and let others help. You don't have to do it by yourself.

You are almost back to 100lbs lost! Don't let that become a mental road block for you. You've lost almost 50 lbs since March and know how to reach your goal of breaking into the 100's by New Years if you just keep on doing what you're doing. Keep fueling your body with healthy things. Keep exercising and pushing yourself a little harder each time. Keep sharing your struggles and your successes with others and keep right on improving. You've got this and I'm proud of you.

Love, me

Back to the extreme...

As expected, Girls Camp completely threw me off of my routine. I had a great time with the girls and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it definitely ran me off the rails as far as diet and exercise go. I tried to bring some of my own snacks and whatnot, but I really had no control over what was served each meal....and while I did have control over how much of each thing I ate, I exercised that control rather poorly. French toast, potatoes, chili cheese fries, cobbler with ice cream...I'd like to see most people say no to all those things haha.

But the problem wasn't so much the week at camp as it was that once I got home, I didn't jump right back into my routine like I should have. We had 2 sick kids and 2 weddings and 3 days of training for my new job...and I let it all become reasons to put off getting back on the wagon. We spent the last week eating out most of our meals and I'm pretty sure I've eaten my weight in baked goods. I truly feel sick. Not mentally....physically sick to my stomach. I don't know why we do this to ourselves. Eating that way makes me feel absolutely MISERABLE and yet it's so hard to stop!

Well today is a new day and it's time to go back to extremes. And this time the whole family is on board. Today is day 1 of no sugar in the Tracy house and the goal is to make it until Halloween (or Emma's birthday for herself...Oct. 20). I'll also be going back to doing the ketogenic diet every day, though the kids won't be doing that part with me. Ariana did ask if she could and I told her that she doesn't need to. I told her to just make healthier choices when it comes to carbohydrates. More fruit and veggies, whole grains, etc. She's excited to do it :)

I'm not as nervous about it as I was the first time around, since I know it works and works well...but I also know that I'm starting over from square one and the first 2 weeks SUCK. I'm not looking forward to it. When I was in full blown keto mode, I ate all my meals between 11am-7pm and rarely felt "hungry". Now it's barely 10am and I already feel like I'm starving. I know it's because I've lived off of carbs for the past 2 weeks and my body will need the time to re-adjust...but man it sucks. I'm so frustrated with myself for letting this happen. I knew it would happen...but it's like I just accepted it and let it happen instead of trying to fight it. Maybe one day I'll figure out why my brain works the way it does.

I need to get my eating under control because my workout schedule is going to be very different for the next couple of weeks due to lots of hours at work. I tend to struggle even more with my eating when I'm not getting in enough exercise so I need to really stay on top of it during these first 2 weeks. And I know I can do it because the first two weeks in March when I started this the last time were done while I was still unable to really workout due to my injury. So...no excuses.

So we're off and running. We have a new paper chain made and everyone has picked out something they want to earn should they successfully complete all 86 days of no sugar. I know for me, this is much easier when I'm not the only one doing it. Even Nathan and Gregory are in on it this time! So hopefully the 10lbs I put on in the past 2 weeks will come off quickly and I can continue on down towards breaking into the 100's by the end of the year.

Anyone else want to join us? ;)

New job + girls camp = more routine change to challenge me!

After my mom and sister headed back to Florida (We had a BLAST with them here!) I was able to get back on track pretty quickly with my eating/exercise routine. Routine is what saves me. Routine keeps me motivated. In the past I really haven't done well when things change or when that routine is disturbed. So life is about to get very interesting!

Most pressing is Girls Camp. Since I am lucky enough to work with the young women (ages 12-18) in our church, I get to attend girls camp with them next week! While this is a lot of fun and a great experience to have...especially with my own 13 year old daughter...it makes me nervous. Last year around this time I had just lost about 20lbs and was finally in a good groove. Then girls camp happened. I did plenty of "exercising" around the camp...so that wasn't the issue. But I have no control over the food for 4 days and that's where I get nervous. After girls camp last year, I lost all mojo and ended up putting 30lbs on over the next 6 months. I REALLY don't want that to happen this year. It's not that the food at camp is super unhealthy or anything, it's just not what I've been eating for the past 6 months and it will be an adjustment to eat that way for a few days and then come back home and not let it become a habit again. I'm going to try and bring my own cooler with protein shakes/snacks to use as often as possible, but that won't fix everything lol. So I will just have to watch my portions, drink lots of water, load up on veggies/fruit when offered and promise myself to get right back on track the day I get home!

Exercising regularly has been easy for me for the past several years. I found workouts I love and it's just become habit for me to get a workout in at least 5 days a week. Well starting in August...even that is going to get challenged! I GOT A JOB!! I'm actually really excited. I haven't had a job in a long time. Yes, I know I'm a Zumba/fitness instructor, but at most that's an hour or two a week. Now I get to work part-time at the front desk of my gym. I'm really excited. When the job opened up, I jumped on it. I've always wanted that job, but wasn't sure if/when they'd be hiring or if I'd have the ability to even work outside the home given Nathan's job and the kids schedules etc. But it all worked out and I can't wait to start.

I have to get trained first, but once I am...I'll mostly be filling shifts for people who are sick/out of town or ones that no one is able to take. What this means is that I really won't have much of a regular schedule. While school is still out, I can fill in a lot more often since the older kids are home to watch my youngest while daddy works. This means that more often than not, I'll be working when normally I would be up in the aerobics room taking a class. This truly makes me nervous. I've relied on these classes for the past few years and while I know changing your workouts can often be a good thing...I really don't want to haha. So I will have to start trying out some of the harder classes that are offered at night or get back into working out alone with the weights/cardio machines. I'm nervous, but I know it'll be good for me. It's either that...or workout at home, and frankly I hate doing that if I don't have to.

So between camp and work, both my eating and exercise routines are about to get turned upside down and I am going to do everything in my power not to let it be the end of my progress. As of last week I was down to 243 and I REALLY want to get past that 100lbs lost barrier again. I do NOT want to see 250 again and have to go through that struggle yet again. So wish me luck....or hard work and determination. I'm gonna need it :)

Well we knew it was going to happen...

Over the last couple of months as I did no sugar and low carb...the thing I probably heard the most from people was, "I wish I had your will power. You are so strong! How do you not give in?" I kept telling people that it wasn't always that way...and it wouldn't always BE that way. Being on a journey of health and weight loss has always been..and will ALWAYS be a roller coaster. That's why I ride the highs for as long as I can. Because I KNOW the lows will always come. Well here we are.

Something always happens in life whether good or bad that disrupts the routine and allows for old habits to seep back in. This time it's a great thing! My mom has been in town since the end of June and I LOVE having her here. I've been blessed with truly the best mother in the world (She just is, you all need to accept it and not argue me here :P). She is the most selfless person I know and having her around just makes life easier. And happier. Not to mention my kids are in heaven having their Gram around. Now if only Pappa (my daddy) were able to be here too! But having company always means a change in routine. And while I've definitely handled it better this year than in years past, it still tends to give me that mentality of "vacation" and I get a bit lax with my rules about eating. I'd say I can't help it but we all know that's not true. I just don't WANT to help it haha.

We've kind of had it both ways these past 2-ish weeks. Some days I make everyone, including my mom, eat MY way. And other days, we go out to eat or to parties or with friends/family...and I just enjoy it. My mom was also kind enough to make all her signature baked goods while Nathan and I were away celebrating our honeymoon so that there wasn't quite as much of it sitting around my kitchen. But it was still there. It's been a long time since I had sugar that actually tempted me...just sitting around my house. None of this is my mother's fault and I hope as she reads this she doesn't think I'm blaming her at all. This is just how my brain chemistry has always worked and the best way for me to work through it is to write about it! The sooner I write it, the sooner I seem to move past it.

Ironically last night was my first real "binge" in months...and my mom wasn't even here haha. She was at her high school reunion. But I had cravings that hit me HARD. I had eaten well/low-carb all day but it wasn't enough. And I was cranky and stressed and just plain MAD. And I said screw it. We had Thai food for dinner and I had more carbs than I can count. Then as we sat and watched a movie I ate about half a bag of the cadbury mini-eggs I had hidden back in March when I wasn't having sugar at all. I felt justified and ate every single one with an "I'm eating this and you can't stop me" attitude. Of course as I sit and write this, I feel sick to my stomach with a food hangover and regret every bite...but I think I needed to go through that. I think every once in a while...everyone needs to go through that. It's a growing and learning experience.

And I have grown. In the past, a binge like that would just be the start. It would last for days or weeks and I would go silent and depressed and probably put on another 10lbs. But not this time. I let my emotions take over and that's okay. I'm still learning how to deal with them without food and probably will be for the rest of my life. Today is a new day.

Tonight we have a dinner with a bunch of ladies I haven't seen in years. We're going to Zupas which is one of my favorite places...and used to be a binge issue for me. But not today. I know what salad I'm going to get and will be passing on the soup/sandwiches and desserts today. Because I don't need them. My mom is only here a few more days and I am not going to let food be the central focus while she is. It shouldn't be the central focus of anything frankly. But come Tuesday I will be making another paper chain and sugar is going right back out of the house. I REFUSE to put 10lbs back on before I start losing again. I'm below 250 and intend to stay that way permanently this time. So this is just a little detour on my road to better health...not a road block.

This dip in my roller coaster is going to be the shortest yet. Time to head back up that climb.