Stupid computer...

I wrote a pretty good sized blog last night then it froze/crashed when I tried to post it. So...I'm not re-writing it haha. Too tired and cranky! Maybe later. I did workout yesterday though and eat pretty healthy, so yay me. Next!

3 down a million to go

Today's one of those days where I'm seeing way too much of the big picture when it comes to weight loss. I see how far I still have to go and not how far I've come. I managed 30 minutes on my elliptical today (I was sore as hell...best I could do) but I still feel all depressed about it because I know I have to do it a million more times if I want even a chance at getting to my goal weight.

Its nice that my wedding ring is loose, but I want it to fall off. It's nice that my pants have some extra room, but I want it to annoy me to the point I have to buy a belt or new pants. I feel stuck and I hate it. I'm trying so hard to just keep focusing on that one thing...exercise...every single day. SOMETHING. Anything that constitutes getting my heart rate up and burning calories. So...3 days down..way too many more to go. But man am I wishing I'd just gotten the same genes my sisters all did right now.

How to motivate a 4 year old...

I got a bit of a late start this morning, so I didn't get on my elliptical like I wanted to before things got a bit busy. BUT! I didn't let that be an excuse today! Once I had the time, I decided it was nice enough for a walk (albeit with a jacket on). Only problem...4 year old. It's about .9 miles to the local Maverik gas station, which isn't a huge distance but it's still good exercise. So what did I do? Told her if she'd walk the whole way with me, I'd let her pick out a treat at the gas station.

She kept pointing out as we walked, just how far away we were getting from our house and saying things like "I'm not allowed to go this far by myself". Nope, you're not! But she sang some made up songs and kept me company and we had a good mommy/daughter walk. Tomorrow though, it's back on the elliptical. More calories burned and easier to get my heartrate up that way!

But as long as I'm not making excuses to avoid getting SOME form of exercise in, I'm doin just fine :)

No more excuses...

A pattern that I've come to notice in my life and in my weight loss...is that I am a great starter but a really crappy finisher. If I've blogged about this before, I apologize, but all I can think about lately are excuses. From the time I started my first "diet" back at age 15 with "Weight Watchers" to this latest attempt with HCG...I have always found an excuse to quit.

In college I lost 25 lbs with Jenny Craig only to find out I was pregnant. The circumstances surrounding my pregnancy sent me into a severe depression and the stress was unbelievable. I gained more than 80 lbs during that pregnancy and that was my excuse. I've joined Golds Gym and Curves only to quit due to finances or lack of motivation. I even did the Richard Simmons diet with my mom once and that just made me laugh.

I gave up on one diet attempt after falling down my stairs and busting my tailbone, which for a while was a legitimate reason. But after a few months it was just another excuse.

I've done Atkins, I've hired a personal trainer, I've even just recently gotten my hands on a copy of P90X (which I'm too scared to start using just yet). I've literally done it all. Or close to it. And when I put it on paper (virtually), it sends me to tears to see how much of a quitter I've been my whole life. The question though, is why?

What am I afraid of? Why when I start to do well, do I find some way to sabotage it or talk myself out of it. Hell, I had my kidney stone surgery almost 2 months ago now and today was the first time I've stepped onto my elliptical machine since then. I AM SO SICK OF THE EXCUSES!!!!!! I guess I'm just terrified. Of what, I'm still working that part out. Maybe I'm just scared of being out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm scared of getting attention. I've always been quiet and anti-social. I'm perfectly happy to stay at home, hiding from the world and sparing them having to look at the big fat girl. Maybe I'm scared that losing all my weight means I'll have to get a life.

In 2 more years, all of my kids will be in school full time. I've been a stay at home mom for 11 years. What am I going to do when there's no one left at home to take care of all day? I'm horrified that no one will hire me because of my size. I was 17th in my class in high school and have 2 years of college under my belt. I'm a smart girl...but will that matter when they see me in person? Maybe I'll go back to school. And then I can sit next to 19 and 20 year old perky college girls and feel even worse about myself. Maybe I'm just scared that losing the weight means I'll actually have to DO those things. That I'll have to get a life outside of being a mother and a wife. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE those things. There is nothing more important. But I've been so focused on that for the last 11 years...because mostly I think I'm just afraid to focus on me. I don't like....ME.

So today, I did what I do best. I started over. I took my ipad, logged into Hulu and went back to Season 1 of Biggest Loser. I hit play and got on my elliptical machine and I just went. Everytime there was a commercial, I went as fast as I could go and refused to stop until the credits rolled. That show inspires me. After watching season 11, going back to season 1 was a bit disappointing...but the idea behind it is what drives me lately. So that's what I'm going to do this time. Every day. Next episode...exercise until its over. 60 mins, 700 calories...protein shake...and I feel FANTASTIC.

Here's hoping that tomorrow...no excuse can talk me out of doing it all over again.

The first big change...

The first big change we've made to our family's diet is replacing all our bread/buns/tortillas/etc with 100% whole wheat products. And yanno...they're pretty damn good! I think I got lucky. I know a lot of kids would whine at their parents, but mine just eat it like it's not any different from what they used to eat. The bread part I've kind of been easing into over the past few months by working Sara Lee's 45 calorie whole wheat and honey bread into everyone's sandwiches and toast but now we're going all out!

Saturday I grilled some pork chops (yay george foreman grill) and made them into sandwiches on whole wheat buns. Then last night we tried Philly cooking creme for the first time and made some whole wheat enchiladas with a mix of low fat mozzerella and cheddar cheese. SO good! Of course there was still room for some low-fat chocolate brownie frozen yogurt but hey.

It feels good to not have to restrict myself anymore. I know I'll probably do the hcg thing again at one point, but right now it's just too stressful for me. I think what was said in one of the comments on my last post is true. When you have more than 7 things on your mind at once, it's infinitely harder to make the right choices when it comes to food. With everything going on here, I definitely have more than 7 things on my mind! So I'm not eating perfectly by any means, but I'm eating healthiER than I was. Low-fat cottage cheese and peaches for breakfast and I'm good to go! Now if the weather holds out, I'll go for a walk.

So here's to making changes, one little thing at a time.

Maybe next time...

So Maeli wasn't kidding when she told me that when you cheat on the diet during phase 2...it makes you hungrier. I felt so sick to my stomach I finally stopped taking the drops and went back to a normal diet. I'm angry with myself for letting it come to that, but I guess now I've learned my lesson. It also doesn't help that I'm feeling as stressed out as I have been lately. So until I'm ready to try again...Nathan and I have bought a whole bunch of healthier choices for food..and are going to try and go on a walk, just the two of us, every night. Last night we walked 1.3 miles. It was gorgeous out. Today it's raining...figures.

So..I didn't quite lose what I wanted to. Maybe next time...

Facing the music...or the scale

As someone pointed out to me (thanks Julie!) I haven't posted here in a couple days. I tend to avoid it when I know I'm screwing up...which isn't a good idea. Writing here and being accountable help me to get back on track. The last 3 days have been stressful, depressing...and without proper diet food in the house, you tend to resort to eating things you shouldn't. All 3 days I started out strongly...then all 3 nights I caved. So the scale punished me for it.

HCG is not very forgiving to messups because when you eat things you shouldn't while taking the drops..you actually gain weight a lot faster. So in 3 days I gained back about 6 pounds. My own fault.

Today I'm going strong again and intend to keep doing so. I know I can do this. I've done it before. Food is just harder to resist under stress I guess. Luckily I have just one more week on the drops before I switch over to maintenance and then I can ease some other foods I'm craving (like bread!) back into my diet. ONE MORE WEEK JILL! My weight loss won't be as great as I was hoping for this cycle, but as long as I'm down from where I started, it's a good thing. Right?

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater...

So yeah...last night I cheated on my diet. I'm not going to get into it or dwell on it because I'm not proud of it and today I'm right back on track. Hopefully the scale doesn't punish me too harshly tomorrow.

Crap, the fridge is empty!

One thing I really hate about this diet is that because it's SO specific, you have to constantly go shopping for the approved fruits and veggies because they only stay good for so long and have to be eaten quickly. Well...we've had to go shopping more often than I expected these past two weeks and now all the fruits and veggies that are REQUIRED to be eaten every day...are gone! 2 days till payday. SO...what to eat, what to eat!

I'm thinking I'll cave in to the protein shake mix in the pantry and hope that supplements it all enough and doesn't screw with my drops too much. Thursday is also weigh-in day and I'm dying to see if I can break 280, though I doubt it.

Luckily there's plenty of chicken and fish (blech) left. OOOH! I nearly forgot. I still have some of the chicken & celery soup I made last night. I gotta say that's probably my favorite thing to eat on this diet. Chicken soup without the noodles and carrots isn't so horrible. (Funny thing is...I can't remember if the chicken broth was approved for phase 3 of maintenance...or if it's okay for right now. Oh well, guess we'll see haha)

LUNCHTIME!

Curiosity didn't kill nuffn!

So yesterday, Nathan gave in and weighed himself after only 2 days...and had lost like another 6 lbs. I was like "HOLY CRAP! WTF!" I wanted to try and wait till Thursday again but when Nathan breaks down...it's like...this need I have to follow suit haha. It's one of our downfalls.

So this morning I caved to curiosity and got on the scale. I can proudly say that in 3 days, I've lost 4 more lbs and I am now at my lowest weight in 10 years! 287.8 baby! I know if I'd waited a few more days that number would be even more impressive, but I'm still excited.

I do think I'm not quite getting enough calories though. I'm not feeling massive hunger pains or anything, but I haven't been eating the melba toast this time around and last night I got realllllly lightheaded when I got up. So I'm going to try and shove a little more protein in me. I don't want to eat the melba toast if I don't have to. It seems to slow my weight loss and I only ever really ate it when I was feeling sick with hunger. I'm doing so well this time I want to try and avoid that. But dizzy is no fun...way worse than curiosity hehe.

That's more like it!

I'm SO glad I decided to stop weighing every day on this diet. My stress levels are down...I can focus on other things besides my being hungry/deprived...AND!! I'm down 10.2 lbs! Considering my first 2 days of this past week were loading days and I probably gained a few pounds, I actually lost MORE than 10.2 But 10.2 from where I started out is great! I'm only 3 lbs away from my lowest weight, which is totally doable. Nathan is also down 7.2 lbs this week which is so great :) He'd gained back 12 as well so we're both having to shed some lbs we'd already shed...or so we thought.

I needed the scale to be good to me today. Yesterday was one of those days where I wanted to just make a batch of brownies and eat the whole thing and just embrace being fat forever. I think part of me is scared to be anything else. This is who I've been for such a long time and it's what I'm used to. I'm NOT used to walking into the pool for my kids swim lessons and having to keep pulling up my pants! haha. It's a really weird feeling to be too small for some of my clothes. Of course I WANT to be skinny, but I have a lot of work emotionally to do as well as physically to get there.

My favorite show right now is Season 11 of the Biggest Loser. I'd never watched a full season before, but now I wish I had. It is so inspiring to watch these people going through what I'm going through...and making a change. Sure they're doing it in an extreme and restricted environment, but they still have to do the work..both physically and mentally. And it's hard! Some of them have lost 100 lbs or more but they still have the mindset of an overweight person, and that's hard to break. Feeling ashamed, alone, embarassed...not wanting people to see you (especially if you're eating) and just not liking yourself. They're all things that we beat into ourselves for years and years and losing weight requires a change in all of that.

So as the pounds come off, that's something I need to try to work on as well. Realizing...that I'm pretty damn awesome and I don't need to be ashamed of who I am. Maybe one day I'll really believe that.

Short Update

I don't really have much to add today...same as yesterday. Diet's still going great..haven't cheated yet haha. Having some cravings for delicious nummy things like nachos or pasta...and some some weird reason...spice cake. I don't know why it just sounds good right now!

2 more days till I weigh in..just gotta keep doing what I'm doing! Wish it would stop raining out so I can go for a walk though. When I'm stuck here all day food is all I can think about!

Happy Mother's Day!

Today was day 2 of phase 2 on round 3 of my hcg diet. If that sentance confuses you, you must be new to my blog haha. Being mother's day, my children brought me breakfast in bed..and bless their hearts it consisted of a sliced apple and some egg whites. Dieting on mother's day sucks...just saying. All day long I've been craving a huge stack of pancakes or waffles..carbs of any kind really. But luckily I haven't had too many hunger pains so I made it through without caving. Yay me.

I was tempted to step on the scale this morning, but I'm determined to wait until it's been a week! I want to be HAPPY when I step on that thing and not beating myself up or stressing out over a .2 or something. I'm hoping that I'll be down at least 10 after week 1. We'll see!

One thing I do miss when I'm on the drops is not being able to full out exercise. Because I'm on so few calories, I'm not supposed to break a sweat or burn a lot more than I do just doing normal every day things. I CAN go for walks...and I wanted to today, but it rained all day. Maybe tomorrow. It's only 8pm and I'm getting tired. I forgot how much this diet wipes me out at night. But sleep is good, and important. So here's to an early night!

The Jilly 500

That title just made me giggle..I had to. Sorry! :P So yesterday was loading day #2 and we made sure to enjoy it. Nathan's doing the hcg diet with me again so wish him luck too! We had a big, yummy breakfast of eggs, bacon and my mom's orange rolls and I savored every bite! I made sure not to eat junk all day long cause I knew I'd feel crappy today if I did...but we still had fun with it.

Last night my girls had their very first sleepover party at a friends house so Nathan and I went on the first date we've had in ages. Nothing fancy, but we went to Olive Garden and enjoyed two different kinds of nummy nummy lasagna, lots of breadsticks and salad...and of course some dessert. That was a good last meal, I'm tellin ya.

So today is the real start of this diet. 500 calories and LOTS of water. I'm really hoping this is more like the last time I did it and not like the very first time where I felt violent hunger pains for 3 weeks straight. But at least I know that no matter how it turns out...I can do it. I'm physically and mentally able. I'm going to try and do this for more than 21 days this time, if I can stand it...but at the very least I'm going that full 3 weeks.

Last round, I ended up getting pretty sick around day 17 and had to quit early and it completely threw me off track for the months after that. So I've had a kidney stone and gotten really sick in the past month to get it all out of the way! (I say that like I had a choice haha) So here's hoping the next 3 weeks are healthy and productive and full of weight loss!

I won't be weighing every day, to save my sanity, so I'll not be posting my weight again until this coming Thursday. Time for strawberries!

Back to square....2?

Okay so enough of this "my body hates me" crap. In the past month and a half I have passed a kidney stone (after weeks of pain and surgery to break it up)..and then been horribly sick with a nasty flu like cold. I'm FINALLY feeling a bit better and I still have a few months before we end up moving across the world (assuming it happens..more on that later). So now's the perfect time for round 3 of hcg I think! Even if it's not, I'm doing it anyway.

The last time I weighed myself about 6 weeks ago, I was at 302. That number depressed the hell out of me, but when I weighed yesterday I fully expected to be 10 lbs heavier than that after the horrible time I've had and the stress I've been going through. But weirdly enough it was still 302! I can deal with that.

So today was loading day #1 and I've decided that this time around I'm not going to weigh every day. I'm going to weigh once a week and hopefully be blown away by the results..instead of the .5 - 1 lb a day I experienced last time. Unfortunately, I'm already experiencing the typical "beginning of the diet" headache. And its bad. It's not your normal dull headache. It hurts like a sonofa !$@#...seriously. Thank God I still have some good meds. I get the feeling I may need them come Monday.

So I've been to the store and I'm stocked up on chicken and fish and lots of veggies and approved fruits. Just need to go get me some Walden Farms calorie free dressing/bbq sauce and we're good to go! Wish me luck!