No more excuses...

A pattern that I've come to notice in my life and in my weight loss...is that I am a great starter but a really crappy finisher. If I've blogged about this before, I apologize, but all I can think about lately are excuses. From the time I started my first "diet" back at age 15 with "Weight Watchers" to this latest attempt with HCG...I have always found an excuse to quit.

In college I lost 25 lbs with Jenny Craig only to find out I was pregnant. The circumstances surrounding my pregnancy sent me into a severe depression and the stress was unbelievable. I gained more than 80 lbs during that pregnancy and that was my excuse. I've joined Golds Gym and Curves only to quit due to finances or lack of motivation. I even did the Richard Simmons diet with my mom once and that just made me laugh.

I gave up on one diet attempt after falling down my stairs and busting my tailbone, which for a while was a legitimate reason. But after a few months it was just another excuse.

I've done Atkins, I've hired a personal trainer, I've even just recently gotten my hands on a copy of P90X (which I'm too scared to start using just yet). I've literally done it all. Or close to it. And when I put it on paper (virtually), it sends me to tears to see how much of a quitter I've been my whole life. The question though, is why?

What am I afraid of? Why when I start to do well, do I find some way to sabotage it or talk myself out of it. Hell, I had my kidney stone surgery almost 2 months ago now and today was the first time I've stepped onto my elliptical machine since then. I AM SO SICK OF THE EXCUSES!!!!!! I guess I'm just terrified. Of what, I'm still working that part out. Maybe I'm just scared of being out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm scared of getting attention. I've always been quiet and anti-social. I'm perfectly happy to stay at home, hiding from the world and sparing them having to look at the big fat girl. Maybe I'm scared that losing all my weight means I'll have to get a life.

In 2 more years, all of my kids will be in school full time. I've been a stay at home mom for 11 years. What am I going to do when there's no one left at home to take care of all day? I'm horrified that no one will hire me because of my size. I was 17th in my class in high school and have 2 years of college under my belt. I'm a smart girl...but will that matter when they see me in person? Maybe I'll go back to school. And then I can sit next to 19 and 20 year old perky college girls and feel even worse about myself. Maybe I'm just scared that losing the weight means I'll actually have to DO those things. That I'll have to get a life outside of being a mother and a wife. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE those things. There is nothing more important. But I've been so focused on that for the last 11 years...because mostly I think I'm just afraid to focus on me. I don't like....ME.

So today, I did what I do best. I started over. I took my ipad, logged into Hulu and went back to Season 1 of Biggest Loser. I hit play and got on my elliptical machine and I just went. Everytime there was a commercial, I went as fast as I could go and refused to stop until the credits rolled. That show inspires me. After watching season 11, going back to season 1 was a bit disappointing...but the idea behind it is what drives me lately. So that's what I'm going to do this time. Every day. Next episode...exercise until its over. 60 mins, 700 calories...protein shake...and I feel FANTASTIC.

Here's hoping that tomorrow...no excuse can talk me out of doing it all over again.