Season 1 ends

I have to say I'm really proud of myself. That sounds like bragging..and I guess it is. But like my Grandpa Heaton always used to say...it ain't braggin' if you can do it! "Season 1" of my Jillys Losers weight loss competition ended yesterday and I just can't stop smiling. It was just a small group of us this time around, but I feel like I did something good. Not only did it help me to lose another 26 lbs (I'm now down 46 from my heaviest)...but it also helped people I love and people that became new friends to lose weight with me. I'm so proud of them that words can't even express.

I've done Weight Watchers before and Jenny Craig and every other weight loss plan in the book. But nothing I've ever done before had this much success. Ever. After 3 months, I have a close knit group of friends who push me like no one ever has. We weigh in every week and give each other advice and pointers and we talk every day. Everyone is held accountable. There's even a little competitive edge to it that makes us all want to try harder every week. I'm just so happy to be a part of something that has improved my life and my health and that of others as well. There's still such a LONG way to go.

As a group of 9, we lost over 150 lbs in 13 weeks. It's not quite the same as if we were all on the Biggest Loser ranch, but it's still pretty damn good! We're starting "Season 2" on January 1st and I am hoping to get more of my friends and family involved. I have to laugh..that after trying literally every diet in the book..the thing that worked the best is just regular exercise and calorie counting. I guess I've known that my whole life huh?

46 lbs down...134 to go! I'm determined to look sexy as hell at my baby sister's wedding!

The Protein Overdose

...or lack thereof. I lost more weight in 2 weeks at my parents house than I did in almost 2 months time at home and frankly..it's pissing me off. I go to the gym almost daily for at LEAST 90 mins. I eat 16-1700 calories a day..and I still find myself only losing 1.5 lbs a week, if that! My sister Heidi and I have come to the conclusion that my body just has some screwed up super-sensitivity to carbs. And when I don't get enough protein into my system..it doesn't matter how many calories I ate. I won't lose.

Maeli tells me I should be getting in around 180-190g of protein a day (as does every website I've looked at). And it's FREAKING HARD! I got in 105 yesterday...127 the day before. But I'm still struggling with it! In Florida I had both parents helping me immensely by making protein shakes twice a day and always having protein bars on hand. And I was just more careful I guess. Having 8 people in a one floor house tends to make you very conscious about what you eat haha. But I was also a lot more active. Not only did I get in workout time at the gym, but there was always something else going on. Golfing, the beach, bike riding, family outings..you name it. At home, I tend to keep to myself more and with the cold, crappy weather..it's even less incentive to go anywhere!

So this week, Nathan and I decided to pull out our "Iron Will" selves and really get serious about things. No eating after 7. No eating out (unless it's Subway). No desserts and hopefully LOTS of protein. So we'll see how it goes. Our Jilly's Losers competition ends in a little less than 2 weeks and I'm in 3rd place. So, if I want any chance at moving up in the ranks, I need to work my ass off!! So bring on the protein overdose!

It IS possible to lose weight on vacation!

It's possible that I'm a little bit insane. I just returned from a 3 1/2 week long trip to Florida with my kids...in which I drove the whole way. Nathan drove out with us but had to fly back for work after a few days, so the trip back...all 2400 miles...was all me! But in between the long, tiring drives..we had an amazing vacation. My mom usually has a habit of baking yummy treats for the grandkids when they come to visit, so I was worried that dieting while there would be impossible. Turns out I was wrong!

My mom did bake once or twice, but the entire time I was there..both my parents did everything they could to help me stay on track and I can't say thank you enough. They kept healthy foods in the house and made me protein shakes left and right. My mom also took me to the gym a few times each week and kept me active by going golfing or with trips to the beach. I even went for my first bike ride in over a decade with my sister Tiffany! I've been afraid to for so long because of my weight. Afraid of embarrassing myself and popping a tire or just looking like a fat girl on a bike. But I did it! I rode 3 miles without stopping and it felt amazing.

Over the 3 weeks I was away, I lost 10 lbs and I was SO proud of myself!! It's funny though...now it seems being home is the hard part. I have to re-adjust all over again to reality. My first workout nearly killed me because of the change in altitude and the dryness of the air. Not to mention I hadn't lifted any weights in 3 weeks (only did cardio in Florida) and so my muscle soreness is off the charts!

Tomorrow is Monday and the holiday is over..the kids will be back in school and Nathan back to work. So hopefully I'll fall right back into my own routine as well. I'm 1 lb. away from being 289...the lowest weight I got to on hcg before I got sick and gained so much of it back. So that puts me down 40 lbs from my highest weight and people actually notice it a bit now! It feels great to see people I haven't seen in a while and hear, "wow you've lost weight!" Let's see what they say a year from now!

Owwwwww....

Heading into week 5 of my Facebook version of biggest loser and everyone's been doing really great..but HOLY CRAP am I sore!! Words can't even express how much easier this is for me to keep going every day with so many great friends doing it alongside me. I only lost 1.2 lbs this week, which to be honest...pissed me off. But as a group we lost 24 lbs! That's pretty freaking incredible.

Being the biggest girl in the group is hard. My percentages are horrible compared to those of the smaller girls and it can get pretty depressing..especially after working really hard during the week. But it just pushes me to keep going. I KNOW I'll get there.

I'm definitely addicted to my workouts now. I spend at least 90 mins a day in the gym if not more and I'm getting more conscious about what I eat. I think my problem is too many carbs and not enough protein..despite the fact that I've been eating healthier kinds of carbs for the most part. Something is still causing my body to hang onto the weight. So I'm going to change up a few things this week and see what helps. The biggest challenge will be having no sugar for the whole week. It was a challenge posted by my group and while I hate it...I love it. I know it will help me lose more and hopefully start a trend.

One thing I've definitely noticed a change in, even if my weight isn't changing much...is my self confidence. It no longer bothers me to be in a weight room full of strong, gorgeous men or skinny, beautiful women. Now instead of seeing them as people who are judging me...I see them as examples of where I'm trying to get. I want that. I want to look cute in leggings and a tank top when I workout! I want to have a butt that guys stare at when I bend over hahaha. I do!! So the people who used to scare me...now help to motivate me. I still have a long way to go, but getting out of the house to workout every day has really helped.

I really do think it's going to stick this time. I've been working out 4-5 days a week in the gym for going on 6 weeks now and I LOVE it! A year from now I'll feel silly for being so whiney and impatient about it. Now if only I had a time machine to get there.

Week 2 of Jilly's Losers!

So I'm totally in love with this FB version of The Biggest Loser that I was able to put together with some friends of mine. It's been a HUGE motivation and support for me and now that some of the stress/chaos in my life has subsided, I actually had a great weight loss week! I was down 2.8 lbs this week, which is infinitely better than the .2 lbs I lost last week. Since I'm a bigger girl to start with, that's not a very high percentage of weight loss compared to my other awesome "Losers", but I can't be upset with almost 3 lbs in one week. I'll admit, sometimes I miss the 10 lbs/week of the hcg diet...but at the same time I know that in the long run, doing it this way will be much more long term and a complete life changer for me.

Last week I worked out 6 days, which is my goal. It was the first time I've ever accomplished it and I was so proud of myself. It's hard work though. I'm still a bit sore but it's getting easier. Not to mention blisters are becoming normal haha. But I actually am to a point now that I crave that time in the gym. I crave the time away from the chaos of home and the responsibilities of mom/housekeeper for a couple hours.

I'm still working on my eating habits, but having this BodyMedia Fit armband seriously helps. It's amazing how much more conscious I am about my food choices when I see the calories of EVERYTHING and how it balances out with my caloric burn for the day. I aim to burn at LEAST 1,000 more calories a day than I take in, so it's nice that I can see what I can afford to eat at any given time...and most days I'm way over that 1,000 mark! Exercising is far easier than eating right though, I've decided.

So my goal for week 3 is to lose more than 3 pounds. I'm 7.8 lbs away from being under 300 again and this time I want to STAY under 300. So I'm going to work my ass off (hopefully literally!) and we'll see how it goes. I feel so blessed to have the support that I have. I don't know what I'd do without such amazing friends and family.

Stressed...

It's true what they say about stress affecting your weight. I had a great week as far as working out and eating went and was really hoping for a 3-4 on the scale today. However, yesterday my daughter was involved in an accident on her way to school in which her leg and her bike were run over by a car and we spent the majority of the day in the hospital. She's okay..her leg is broken..but she will be okay. However, as a result, my eating has gone to crap and I've had little sleep and my stress levels are OUT OF CONTROL.

Add onto that a change in Nathan's job and changes for our family and I'm just stressed to the max. So when I weighed this morning, I was only down .8 for the week. I know it's a loss, which is better than a gain...but it just reminds me that even when I'm working my ass off..there will be weeks when my hormones and emotions are going to have other ideas.

Today starts season 12 of The Biggest Loser and my own little version I'm hosting on FB. Jilly's Losers! My starting weight is 310.6 and I'm excited to see how well I can do with a bunch of friends doing it with me. The moral support helps more than I think anyone realizes.

Now if I could get myself back into the right frame of mind and get back to the gym....

A new outlook...

I guess I haven't written in a while huh? It's been so long, it would take a novel to really update everyone on every little thing, so I'll try for the short(er) version!

After my last round of hcg, I was down to 285 lbs. (yay me). However after a battle with a kidney stone that landed me in the hospital twice and had me laid up for nearly 3 weeks...and then 3 weeks with severe chronic bronchitis...I gained back most of it. I went back up to 317 lbs. To say the least I was pretty depressed and went through a period of just not giving a shit (pardon my french). I went back to eating whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like it and decided this was just how my body was meant to look and always WILL look.

Then...something happened. I found out that Biggest Loser was having auditions in Salt Lake City and I knew I wanted to go. The thought of being away from my family for several months and having to work out for hours and hours and hours every day scared the crap out of me, but I wanted to do it. SO badly. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am terrified of crowds and of people in general, really. I hate stepping out of my comfort zone and letting people see me. So you can imagine how I felt about standing in line for hours with hundreds of random strangers and then meeting with producers of this show I'd come to love and try to convince them that I'm awesome and would be perfect for the show.

But I was determined to do it. And I shocked myself. From the moment we got into line, I began talking to the people in front of and behind me, making friends and watching myself evolve into this whole new person. I don't know if maybe it was just because these were people like me who were overweight and feeling as scared as I was..but whatever the reason, I came out of my shell. I even walked right up to a few of last seasons contestants who had stopped by to visit and had a conversation! It was a "Jill" I decided I'd really like to see more often.

I didn't get a call back to be on the show, but that day still ignited a whole new desire in me to really get serious about this...and not by going back on hcg. I want to do this the right way.

So I got me a gym membership and I bought me a BodyMedia Fit armband kind of like those the Biggest Loser contestants use to keep track of their caloric burn...and I got to work. I'm now down to 311.4 and still going. The weight loss is slower and it's hard work, but it's rewarding. I still indulge in my favorites from time to time, but I find myself consciously choosing things that are healthier because I know I can eat so much more! Just this morning, I took Emma to Einstein Bagels to stock up on their new "Bagel Thins" and Reduced Fat Shmear. 2 of those and a bottle of vitamin water and it was only about 350 calories. Subway has also become a huge addiction for me. 6 inch Subway Club on wheat with just lettuce, tomato and some fat free honey mustard and I'm in heaven. Toss in a bag of Baked Lays and you are full and only up about 480 calories. Haha I sound like an infomercial!!

So now we're up to the present. Season 12 of the Biggest Loser starts next week on Sept. 20th and I want to do my own at home kind of version since I won't be on the show. I'm inviting all of my friends and family (on facebook) to do it with me. Everyone who wants to do it will put $20 into the pot and starting weights will be posted in a private group I've created. Then every week when the show airs, everyone will take a snapshot of their scale showing their new weight and at whoever has lost the highest percentage of weight come finale time wins the whole pot!! It should be fun. But most importantly, I think it will help a lot of people that I care about (as well as myself) lose some serious weight.

So that's about it for now :) Wish me luck! Again!

Stupid computer...

I wrote a pretty good sized blog last night then it froze/crashed when I tried to post it. So...I'm not re-writing it haha. Too tired and cranky! Maybe later. I did workout yesterday though and eat pretty healthy, so yay me. Next!

3 down a million to go

Today's one of those days where I'm seeing way too much of the big picture when it comes to weight loss. I see how far I still have to go and not how far I've come. I managed 30 minutes on my elliptical today (I was sore as hell...best I could do) but I still feel all depressed about it because I know I have to do it a million more times if I want even a chance at getting to my goal weight.

Its nice that my wedding ring is loose, but I want it to fall off. It's nice that my pants have some extra room, but I want it to annoy me to the point I have to buy a belt or new pants. I feel stuck and I hate it. I'm trying so hard to just keep focusing on that one thing...exercise...every single day. SOMETHING. Anything that constitutes getting my heart rate up and burning calories. So...3 days down..way too many more to go. But man am I wishing I'd just gotten the same genes my sisters all did right now.

How to motivate a 4 year old...

I got a bit of a late start this morning, so I didn't get on my elliptical like I wanted to before things got a bit busy. BUT! I didn't let that be an excuse today! Once I had the time, I decided it was nice enough for a walk (albeit with a jacket on). Only problem...4 year old. It's about .9 miles to the local Maverik gas station, which isn't a huge distance but it's still good exercise. So what did I do? Told her if she'd walk the whole way with me, I'd let her pick out a treat at the gas station.

She kept pointing out as we walked, just how far away we were getting from our house and saying things like "I'm not allowed to go this far by myself". Nope, you're not! But she sang some made up songs and kept me company and we had a good mommy/daughter walk. Tomorrow though, it's back on the elliptical. More calories burned and easier to get my heartrate up that way!

But as long as I'm not making excuses to avoid getting SOME form of exercise in, I'm doin just fine :)

No more excuses...

A pattern that I've come to notice in my life and in my weight loss...is that I am a great starter but a really crappy finisher. If I've blogged about this before, I apologize, but all I can think about lately are excuses. From the time I started my first "diet" back at age 15 with "Weight Watchers" to this latest attempt with HCG...I have always found an excuse to quit.

In college I lost 25 lbs with Jenny Craig only to find out I was pregnant. The circumstances surrounding my pregnancy sent me into a severe depression and the stress was unbelievable. I gained more than 80 lbs during that pregnancy and that was my excuse. I've joined Golds Gym and Curves only to quit due to finances or lack of motivation. I even did the Richard Simmons diet with my mom once and that just made me laugh.

I gave up on one diet attempt after falling down my stairs and busting my tailbone, which for a while was a legitimate reason. But after a few months it was just another excuse.

I've done Atkins, I've hired a personal trainer, I've even just recently gotten my hands on a copy of P90X (which I'm too scared to start using just yet). I've literally done it all. Or close to it. And when I put it on paper (virtually), it sends me to tears to see how much of a quitter I've been my whole life. The question though, is why?

What am I afraid of? Why when I start to do well, do I find some way to sabotage it or talk myself out of it. Hell, I had my kidney stone surgery almost 2 months ago now and today was the first time I've stepped onto my elliptical machine since then. I AM SO SICK OF THE EXCUSES!!!!!! I guess I'm just terrified. Of what, I'm still working that part out. Maybe I'm just scared of being out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm scared of getting attention. I've always been quiet and anti-social. I'm perfectly happy to stay at home, hiding from the world and sparing them having to look at the big fat girl. Maybe I'm scared that losing all my weight means I'll have to get a life.

In 2 more years, all of my kids will be in school full time. I've been a stay at home mom for 11 years. What am I going to do when there's no one left at home to take care of all day? I'm horrified that no one will hire me because of my size. I was 17th in my class in high school and have 2 years of college under my belt. I'm a smart girl...but will that matter when they see me in person? Maybe I'll go back to school. And then I can sit next to 19 and 20 year old perky college girls and feel even worse about myself. Maybe I'm just scared that losing the weight means I'll actually have to DO those things. That I'll have to get a life outside of being a mother and a wife. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE those things. There is nothing more important. But I've been so focused on that for the last 11 years...because mostly I think I'm just afraid to focus on me. I don't like....ME.

So today, I did what I do best. I started over. I took my ipad, logged into Hulu and went back to Season 1 of Biggest Loser. I hit play and got on my elliptical machine and I just went. Everytime there was a commercial, I went as fast as I could go and refused to stop until the credits rolled. That show inspires me. After watching season 11, going back to season 1 was a bit disappointing...but the idea behind it is what drives me lately. So that's what I'm going to do this time. Every day. Next episode...exercise until its over. 60 mins, 700 calories...protein shake...and I feel FANTASTIC.

Here's hoping that tomorrow...no excuse can talk me out of doing it all over again.

The first big change...

The first big change we've made to our family's diet is replacing all our bread/buns/tortillas/etc with 100% whole wheat products. And yanno...they're pretty damn good! I think I got lucky. I know a lot of kids would whine at their parents, but mine just eat it like it's not any different from what they used to eat. The bread part I've kind of been easing into over the past few months by working Sara Lee's 45 calorie whole wheat and honey bread into everyone's sandwiches and toast but now we're going all out!

Saturday I grilled some pork chops (yay george foreman grill) and made them into sandwiches on whole wheat buns. Then last night we tried Philly cooking creme for the first time and made some whole wheat enchiladas with a mix of low fat mozzerella and cheddar cheese. SO good! Of course there was still room for some low-fat chocolate brownie frozen yogurt but hey.

It feels good to not have to restrict myself anymore. I know I'll probably do the hcg thing again at one point, but right now it's just too stressful for me. I think what was said in one of the comments on my last post is true. When you have more than 7 things on your mind at once, it's infinitely harder to make the right choices when it comes to food. With everything going on here, I definitely have more than 7 things on my mind! So I'm not eating perfectly by any means, but I'm eating healthiER than I was. Low-fat cottage cheese and peaches for breakfast and I'm good to go! Now if the weather holds out, I'll go for a walk.

So here's to making changes, one little thing at a time.

Maybe next time...

So Maeli wasn't kidding when she told me that when you cheat on the diet during phase 2...it makes you hungrier. I felt so sick to my stomach I finally stopped taking the drops and went back to a normal diet. I'm angry with myself for letting it come to that, but I guess now I've learned my lesson. It also doesn't help that I'm feeling as stressed out as I have been lately. So until I'm ready to try again...Nathan and I have bought a whole bunch of healthier choices for food..and are going to try and go on a walk, just the two of us, every night. Last night we walked 1.3 miles. It was gorgeous out. Today it's raining...figures.

So..I didn't quite lose what I wanted to. Maybe next time...

Facing the music...or the scale

As someone pointed out to me (thanks Julie!) I haven't posted here in a couple days. I tend to avoid it when I know I'm screwing up...which isn't a good idea. Writing here and being accountable help me to get back on track. The last 3 days have been stressful, depressing...and without proper diet food in the house, you tend to resort to eating things you shouldn't. All 3 days I started out strongly...then all 3 nights I caved. So the scale punished me for it.

HCG is not very forgiving to messups because when you eat things you shouldn't while taking the drops..you actually gain weight a lot faster. So in 3 days I gained back about 6 pounds. My own fault.

Today I'm going strong again and intend to keep doing so. I know I can do this. I've done it before. Food is just harder to resist under stress I guess. Luckily I have just one more week on the drops before I switch over to maintenance and then I can ease some other foods I'm craving (like bread!) back into my diet. ONE MORE WEEK JILL! My weight loss won't be as great as I was hoping for this cycle, but as long as I'm down from where I started, it's a good thing. Right?

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater...

So yeah...last night I cheated on my diet. I'm not going to get into it or dwell on it because I'm not proud of it and today I'm right back on track. Hopefully the scale doesn't punish me too harshly tomorrow.

Crap, the fridge is empty!

One thing I really hate about this diet is that because it's SO specific, you have to constantly go shopping for the approved fruits and veggies because they only stay good for so long and have to be eaten quickly. Well...we've had to go shopping more often than I expected these past two weeks and now all the fruits and veggies that are REQUIRED to be eaten every day...are gone! 2 days till payday. SO...what to eat, what to eat!

I'm thinking I'll cave in to the protein shake mix in the pantry and hope that supplements it all enough and doesn't screw with my drops too much. Thursday is also weigh-in day and I'm dying to see if I can break 280, though I doubt it.

Luckily there's plenty of chicken and fish (blech) left. OOOH! I nearly forgot. I still have some of the chicken & celery soup I made last night. I gotta say that's probably my favorite thing to eat on this diet. Chicken soup without the noodles and carrots isn't so horrible. (Funny thing is...I can't remember if the chicken broth was approved for phase 3 of maintenance...or if it's okay for right now. Oh well, guess we'll see haha)

LUNCHTIME!

Curiosity didn't kill nuffn!

So yesterday, Nathan gave in and weighed himself after only 2 days...and had lost like another 6 lbs. I was like "HOLY CRAP! WTF!" I wanted to try and wait till Thursday again but when Nathan breaks down...it's like...this need I have to follow suit haha. It's one of our downfalls.

So this morning I caved to curiosity and got on the scale. I can proudly say that in 3 days, I've lost 4 more lbs and I am now at my lowest weight in 10 years! 287.8 baby! I know if I'd waited a few more days that number would be even more impressive, but I'm still excited.

I do think I'm not quite getting enough calories though. I'm not feeling massive hunger pains or anything, but I haven't been eating the melba toast this time around and last night I got realllllly lightheaded when I got up. So I'm going to try and shove a little more protein in me. I don't want to eat the melba toast if I don't have to. It seems to slow my weight loss and I only ever really ate it when I was feeling sick with hunger. I'm doing so well this time I want to try and avoid that. But dizzy is no fun...way worse than curiosity hehe.

That's more like it!

I'm SO glad I decided to stop weighing every day on this diet. My stress levels are down...I can focus on other things besides my being hungry/deprived...AND!! I'm down 10.2 lbs! Considering my first 2 days of this past week were loading days and I probably gained a few pounds, I actually lost MORE than 10.2 But 10.2 from where I started out is great! I'm only 3 lbs away from my lowest weight, which is totally doable. Nathan is also down 7.2 lbs this week which is so great :) He'd gained back 12 as well so we're both having to shed some lbs we'd already shed...or so we thought.

I needed the scale to be good to me today. Yesterday was one of those days where I wanted to just make a batch of brownies and eat the whole thing and just embrace being fat forever. I think part of me is scared to be anything else. This is who I've been for such a long time and it's what I'm used to. I'm NOT used to walking into the pool for my kids swim lessons and having to keep pulling up my pants! haha. It's a really weird feeling to be too small for some of my clothes. Of course I WANT to be skinny, but I have a lot of work emotionally to do as well as physically to get there.

My favorite show right now is Season 11 of the Biggest Loser. I'd never watched a full season before, but now I wish I had. It is so inspiring to watch these people going through what I'm going through...and making a change. Sure they're doing it in an extreme and restricted environment, but they still have to do the work..both physically and mentally. And it's hard! Some of them have lost 100 lbs or more but they still have the mindset of an overweight person, and that's hard to break. Feeling ashamed, alone, embarassed...not wanting people to see you (especially if you're eating) and just not liking yourself. They're all things that we beat into ourselves for years and years and losing weight requires a change in all of that.

So as the pounds come off, that's something I need to try to work on as well. Realizing...that I'm pretty damn awesome and I don't need to be ashamed of who I am. Maybe one day I'll really believe that.

Short Update

I don't really have much to add today...same as yesterday. Diet's still going great..haven't cheated yet haha. Having some cravings for delicious nummy things like nachos or pasta...and some some weird reason...spice cake. I don't know why it just sounds good right now!

2 more days till I weigh in..just gotta keep doing what I'm doing! Wish it would stop raining out so I can go for a walk though. When I'm stuck here all day food is all I can think about!

Happy Mother's Day!

Today was day 2 of phase 2 on round 3 of my hcg diet. If that sentance confuses you, you must be new to my blog haha. Being mother's day, my children brought me breakfast in bed..and bless their hearts it consisted of a sliced apple and some egg whites. Dieting on mother's day sucks...just saying. All day long I've been craving a huge stack of pancakes or waffles..carbs of any kind really. But luckily I haven't had too many hunger pains so I made it through without caving. Yay me.

I was tempted to step on the scale this morning, but I'm determined to wait until it's been a week! I want to be HAPPY when I step on that thing and not beating myself up or stressing out over a .2 or something. I'm hoping that I'll be down at least 10 after week 1. We'll see!

One thing I do miss when I'm on the drops is not being able to full out exercise. Because I'm on so few calories, I'm not supposed to break a sweat or burn a lot more than I do just doing normal every day things. I CAN go for walks...and I wanted to today, but it rained all day. Maybe tomorrow. It's only 8pm and I'm getting tired. I forgot how much this diet wipes me out at night. But sleep is good, and important. So here's to an early night!

The Jilly 500

That title just made me giggle..I had to. Sorry! :P So yesterday was loading day #2 and we made sure to enjoy it. Nathan's doing the hcg diet with me again so wish him luck too! We had a big, yummy breakfast of eggs, bacon and my mom's orange rolls and I savored every bite! I made sure not to eat junk all day long cause I knew I'd feel crappy today if I did...but we still had fun with it.

Last night my girls had their very first sleepover party at a friends house so Nathan and I went on the first date we've had in ages. Nothing fancy, but we went to Olive Garden and enjoyed two different kinds of nummy nummy lasagna, lots of breadsticks and salad...and of course some dessert. That was a good last meal, I'm tellin ya.

So today is the real start of this diet. 500 calories and LOTS of water. I'm really hoping this is more like the last time I did it and not like the very first time where I felt violent hunger pains for 3 weeks straight. But at least I know that no matter how it turns out...I can do it. I'm physically and mentally able. I'm going to try and do this for more than 21 days this time, if I can stand it...but at the very least I'm going that full 3 weeks.

Last round, I ended up getting pretty sick around day 17 and had to quit early and it completely threw me off track for the months after that. So I've had a kidney stone and gotten really sick in the past month to get it all out of the way! (I say that like I had a choice haha) So here's hoping the next 3 weeks are healthy and productive and full of weight loss!

I won't be weighing every day, to save my sanity, so I'll not be posting my weight again until this coming Thursday. Time for strawberries!

Back to square....2?

Okay so enough of this "my body hates me" crap. In the past month and a half I have passed a kidney stone (after weeks of pain and surgery to break it up)..and then been horribly sick with a nasty flu like cold. I'm FINALLY feeling a bit better and I still have a few months before we end up moving across the world (assuming it happens..more on that later). So now's the perfect time for round 3 of hcg I think! Even if it's not, I'm doing it anyway.

The last time I weighed myself about 6 weeks ago, I was at 302. That number depressed the hell out of me, but when I weighed yesterday I fully expected to be 10 lbs heavier than that after the horrible time I've had and the stress I've been going through. But weirdly enough it was still 302! I can deal with that.

So today was loading day #1 and I've decided that this time around I'm not going to weigh every day. I'm going to weigh once a week and hopefully be blown away by the results..instead of the .5 - 1 lb a day I experienced last time. Unfortunately, I'm already experiencing the typical "beginning of the diet" headache. And its bad. It's not your normal dull headache. It hurts like a sonofa !$@#...seriously. Thank God I still have some good meds. I get the feeling I may need them come Monday.

So I've been to the store and I'm stocked up on chicken and fish and lots of veggies and approved fruits. Just need to go get me some Walden Farms calorie free dressing/bbq sauce and we're good to go! Wish me luck!

Such thing as too much?

So yesterday I did something I haven't done since my high school volleyball tryouts. I did 2 workouts in one day. I was only able to withstand 30 mins on the elliptical yesterday morning...so I did another 45 late last night right before bed and ended up tossing and turning all night with cold sweats. I didn't feel like I'd overdone it yesterday, but with the lack of sleep and soreness, I only managed 20 mins on it this morning before I felt like I was going to collapse. So is there such a thing as too much? I didn't think an hour-ish of cardio was a huge deal. Maybe I'm not ready for that much yet. Who knows. For now I'll slow it back down I guess...long as I'm exercising every day.

Long freaking day...

So I woke up sore as hell this morning. I knew it wouldn't be enjoyable, but I knew the best way to get over it would be to force myself to workout. I only managed 30 mins on the elliptical today but it's still something, so I'm proud of myself for that. I also finally got the chance to go use the coupon I got from Nathan for a pedicure and took Emma with me to get her nails painted. (bright pink of course!) That was fun..and relaxing.

But then it was like the day went into overdrive and now I just want to kick something. (and ruin my purdy toenails in the process probably). The rooms that were spotless just a day ago are now trashed and it seems our vacuum has decided it will no longer suck. (Or just suck completely, depending on the definition of the word). We also decided it was a good day to change out the cat litter box. It's a huge box..and we keep it stored in our tiny laundry room where the furnace also resides. Yeah...bad idea. Apparently my son hadn't been as thorough about cleaning it out as he said he had been the last 2 weeks and with his help, I spent 2 HOURS sweeping and mopping up cat crap from tiny little spaces and from under the edges of the furnace. My mood quickly turned as foul as the stench in that room.

In my crankiness, I did pop a fun size reese's pb cup and an almond joy in my mouth...but I still put them into my food journal and am still doing pretty well on calories for the day. I'm just...pissed off in general. I want Nathan to come home...I want to have a body that doesn't depress me every day...and I want my house to stay clean for more than 5 minutes. I know these are all problems that other people have, but they're completely overwhelming me at the moment and I don't know why.

Okay, I think that's enough venting on my blog for one day :D At least I kept my swearing in check!

COME ON JILL!

With all the depression and eating I've had/been doing lately, I've stayed away from the scale. I knew I was creeping closer back towards 300 lbs. and didn't want to see that and hurl myself into a deeper depression. But after watching 3 episodes of Biggest Loser yesterday and seeing how much weight these women were losing...I was thinking to myself, "Okay..enough. You're going to get on that scale and face what you've done to yourself the past month and then FIX IT." I decided that if I can't lose 7 lbs by myself with lots of exercise and eating right (like I supposedly had trained myself to do)...then I'm going back on the drops and doing it the hard way.

So I stepped on the scale this morning and managed to not break into tears when I saw 298.8 show up. That means that since I went off the drops last time, I've gained back 10 lbs...6 of which were just from my horrible comfort eating/being sick over the past month. I'm glad I didn't quite hit 300, but I'm beyond upset with myself for letting this happen. Nathan comes home in 3 weeks and I want to look smaller, not bigger. So now I'm going to hop on my elliptical (after popping some fruit and almonds down the hatch) and watch some more Biggest Loser while I do it. My workout is going to come from sheer anger today and disappointment in myself.

I WILL NOT GO BACK TO 300 LBS! I won't. I can't.

Cookie Dough is the Devil

So last night I made chocolate chip cookies. I hadn't baked any in a while and the kids were so good for me yesterday. I needed that...so I wanted to make them a treat. I need to find better ways of rewarding them that don't involve nummy, chocolatey cookie dough within my reach *grumbles* It's always been a weakness of mine. It's easy to resist it when I'm on the drops. Everything is easier to resist. But right now I'm running on sheer will power and it's still a bit low with everything going on.

I did manage to get my girls to go for a walk with me though to get in a little exercise and fresh air. That felt good. I am so excited for warmer weather to set in so that I can do it more often.

Today's off to a good start so far. I got in my eggs and fruit for breakfast and I decided to forgo the bread for this meal cause I know I'll have plenty of carbs later...but hopefully the better kind. The only kind of bread I buy my family anymore is the Sara Lee 45 calorie bread...so at least I don't have to feel guilty when I make a sandwich! Another thing I hadn't been doing was drinking all my water. So I bought some new water bottles and I'm going to get back into drowning myself in H2O.

Just need to take this one day at a time :)

Time to kick my own butt...

More and more people are pointing out to me that I haven't written on my blog in quite a while. The guilt is sinking in and I decided it was time to do it. As I'm sure most of you guessed...I wasn't writing because I wasn't proud of what I was doing.

Since Nathan left for Amsterdam, my stress and depression levels have climbed and I fell back on my all time favorite comfort. Food. I'm not proud of it, but it did it's job...temporarily anyway. Luckily over the past month I only gained a couple pounds. I'm around 294 right now. Considering the gross amount of food I've taken in since Nathan left, I'm amazed and lucky that it's not more. Well, let me rephrase that. It's not so much the amount of food as WHAT I've been eating. Between being sick and being depressed...nothing was off the menu. But then of course there were also days where I didn't eat anything at all until dinnertime...which isn't any better for my body either.

Today I had the first protein shake I've had in weeks. I also went grocery shopping and bought some more healthier options for snacks and stocked up on fruits and veggies. It's a start. Within the next few weeks, I plan on going back on the hcg drops and getting my butt back in gear so that I can start losing again.

My dad pointed out to me something that is very true. While the comfort eating may be comforting (for now)...if I undo all the hard work I did, I'll be SO disappointed in myself. And it was hard work. I earned every pound I lost and if I hit 300 lbs again, I know I'll sink into a depression I will have a hell of a time climbing back out of.

So enough with the compulsive eating. I need to remember that it's okay for me to still have the things I like, I just need to balance it out in moderation and make sure I'm eating all the other things I'm supposed to be. The carbs won't kick my ass if I'm making sure to eat all my protein too.

So there ya have it...I wrote on my blog. Hopefully I'll do it again tomorrow...and the day after that. Accountability is a huge part of why this has been working for me...so good or bad days, I need to write them down! Thank you guys for reading and supporting me. It helps more than you know.

I don't deserve this...

I haven't written my blog in a week and I hadn't weighed myself in 11 days. I figured sick or not..I need to do both. So after the last week of pretty much eating whatever I wanted to or whenever I wanted to (with the occasional healthy day in between) I figured I'd have gained at least 5 lbs.

Nope. I lost .8 I really don't deserve that. Maybe it's because I've been sick, I don't know. I ate healthier yesterday but still only maybe 3 times instead of 6 and I haven't worked out yet due to how I'm feeling physically. So I really really don't deserve to have lost weight! I guess I shouldn't complain..and I know this doesn't mean I should get in the habit. I know I can lose more than .8 in 11 days when I'm really trying. Just...wow.

Nathan's now left for Amsterdam. He had to go there for work and will be gone for the next 6 weeks. With him gone and the kids home from school and me sick..it's extremely stressful around here. But I'm hoping that at the very least, I'll be able to be more strict about my diet while he's gone. I'm even pondering going back on my drops, but I've only been off them for 3 weeks. I need to learn to eat right and exercise ALL the time, not just when on this diet! Otherwise what's the point?

So now if this sickness would GO AWAY, I could buckle down and get going again. I slept for 12 hours last night and still feel just as crappy. I suppose I should go eat something now.

Falling off the Wagon

So while tax refund checks are great for some reasons, they really suck for others. We got to set aside $ for our trip to vegas and get some fun things for us and the kids that we've always wanted...BUT! We also went out to eat...a lot. You know thinsg aren't going well on this diet, when I don't even bother to write a blog huh? I told myself I was going to today because part of the reason I'm doing this is to be held accountable. So this is my confession. haha.

Today started me back on my "I'm going to have ONE good day of eating the way I'm stupposed to" kick. So far I'm doing great...even cut carbs out of my breakfast as punishment haha. I haven't weighed myself, and I'm not going to until Friday. I'm hoping to drop a few of the lbs I gained over the weekend by then. It was so fun to just eat what I wanted for a few days...but at the same time...my body hated me for it. I haven't felt this BLAH or had this many stomach issues since I started this diet. I guess that'll teach me huh? Or at least I hope.

I can't help it, the Pad Thai was just SO GOOD! *sighs*

The Maintenance Gain

So today was my weigh in day and as I expected, I gained about 4 lbs. This happened last time I started maintenance too, but this time..I'd kinda cheated haha. There was about a 2 day period where I basically just ate whatever was on hand or was ordered because we hadn't been shopping. My stomach hated me for it, but my tastebuds were so happy! I'll take the 4 lbs.

Last night we went food shopping though and today it's back to the grind! Cottage cheese w/ peaches (or at least what my kids didn't steal from my bowl) for breakfast and then 45 minutes on my elliptical machine. I'm feeling good and ready to go! We bought a whole bunch of nummy AND healthy foods yesterday so no more excuses. Well okay, just one excuse. Today is my Ariana's 7th birthday so tonight we're going to Chuck E. Cheese. Enough said.

I'm still trying to avoid sugar for the most part, but I'm being a bit more flexible this time around. We bought lots of whole wheat foods like crackers and tortillas and TONS of produce! Since I'll be off this hcg diet for a few months I've decided to just slowly integrate things that are healthy for EVERYONE into our daily routines. Not just for me and Nathan. From now on my kids will only be eating whole wheat bread, for example. My 11 year old is a bit on the large side for his age and that boy can EAT! So hopefully this will help him as well. I don't want him to have to live the same life I did, with body image issues and whatnot.

So here's to another start and hopefully back on the weight loss wagon!

No food in house = CARB OVERLOAD!

Holy crap we were bad yesterday. We didn't have the time to get to the grocery store for all the produce/meat we need for this diet...so we were uh..kinda bad yesterday and ordered pizza. And that was just one meal. Sure, it was thin crust and we went light on the sauce and cheese, but still..that's a lot of carbs! THEN! Nathan went out with friends last night had MORE pizza. THEN! I ate spaghetti (only a little, but still) with my kids for dinner...and THEN...Nathan brought home a late night thing of nachos from Rancheritos *cries* They were so good....covered in steak and melted cheese..with sour cream. Oh man. All I can say is ..today is going to be a protein shake day all the way.

I feel kinda guilty but at the same time...I had to get the cravings out of the way haha. And no way am I going to weigh myself today. I already know I was bad! So today I've got to get to the grocery store and stock up so as to avoid another day like yesterday.

Man I need some fruit!

Frustration

Whatever this stomach thing is..it's starting to piss me off. It's not your typical stomach ache. The first two days, it was nausea. Today it just...hurts. It's really making it hard to eat :( I managed to eat a few eggs for breakfast and a couple slices of whole wheat toast for lunch, but I know that's nowhere near what I'm supposed to be eating throughout the day. I'm trying to at least get a protein shake or two in my system since it's the most rounded meal I'm managing to eat, but even those are proving hard at the moment. UGH! I'm just so frustrated.

I can't workout until this goes away either, which just doubley frustrates me. I know it's not the end of the world if my weight hovers for a week or two, but I want to keep losing. I'm afraid if I lose momentum, I'll lose will power and everything will have been for naught.

Unfortunately, I can't just curl up in bed like I want to. Nathan took great care of me over the weekend, but it's back to work today...and the kids started their off-track swimming lessons this morning. So it's busy busy busy and no food in the tummy. Not smart Jill. SOOOO frustrated!

So freakin' sick!

I haven't written in the past couple of days and I'm not going to write much now. The nasty cold I had, turned into some sort of stomach bug/flu that's had me unable to eat much other than some whole wheat toast. Nathan tried to make me a lean hamburger last night and it tasted so good..but halfway through my stomach started to protest. This illness is pretty much screwing up my entire diet.

Tonight's the super bowl, so we're debating making some nachos for us and the kids. IF my stomach can stand it, I may very well just eat them so that I have something in my stomach at all. But after having to end my drops 5 days early and this cold screwing up my regular diet by preventing me from eating much at all..it's hard to worry about WHAT I'm eating. Right now I'm of the mindset...get better...and THEN go back to worrying about grams of this and calories of that.

Hopefully when I weigh again next Friday I won't find that I've gained 10 lbs. It's not like I'm going to McDonald's right?

Pounds & Inches

So I just got back from seeing Maeli again for the first time in a month and I'm a bit disappointed. Since the last time I saw her, I've lost 17 lbs (I ended my hcg round early this time, which didn't help). 17 is still great, but not as great as my last round. I figured that at least my body fat % would have gone down a bunch and that I'd have lost a lot of inches on my body as well. Not so much.

I'm only down another 1.35% body fat since the last time I saw her and 10.2 inches total over my entire body. It's still a loss and she said she's proud of me, but her guess as to the reason is that the hcg I used this time around may not have been as pure a form as the kind I got from her. Maybe. I don't know. On round one, with Maeli's hcg..I lost 22 lbs, 7% body fat and 43 inches of fat from my body. Oh well, I'm going to try not to stress over it. I'm still going in the right direction. I was just hoping for some bigger numbers today.

If I choose to do a third round of hcg, it won't be for a few more months. I'm told the third round is a bit harder and sometimes the body just doesn't produce hcg as well as it did the first two times. Not to mention I'm sick of the strict diet. So I'm going to do my 3 weeks of maintenance and then work on living the lifestyle change I've made for a longer period of time. I hopped on my elliptical for 40 mins today, which is a great start. The maintenance plan Maeli has me on "should" have me losing about 1.7 lbs of fat a week she says...so that's what I'll aim for. As of today I'm hiding the scale away until next Friday. I'm only going to weigh once a week so as not to drive myself nuts!

A quick update on Nathan..he was down 2 lbs today, which was a nice break for him since he's been stalling most of the week. Today's his last day on the drops so it'll be nice to have him on maintenance with me. I may send him in to see Maeli so she can draw up a specific plan for him. She told me that men require completely diff. plans because of their metabolism..not to mention he weighs 40 lbs less than me. So we'll see.

Back to Maintenance

So today started my first day of maintenance. I'm still feeling kinda sick (though improving)..so it was still hard to eat..but it was nice to be able to have more freedom in WHAT I'm eating. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling well enough to start back up on my elliptical so that I can keep the weight loss going. I'm meeting with Maeli tomorrow afternoon to have her do my measurements and whatnot. I'm curious how many inches I lost this time around, though my weightloss wasn't as great as the last time.

Nathan's still got a few more days before he can join me on the maintenance part of the diet. I'm proud of him for continuing on the drops even without me doing it. Unfortunately though he's gained .4 in the past two days and we're not sure why. Hopefully it'll go back down for his last few days. Either way, he's had a lot of success so far and he's lookin' really good.

I'll check in tomorrow with the #'s I get from Maeli! Can't wait!

To quit or not to quit...

Having 3 sick kids has finally caught up with me. I feel like rundown crap. Not actually vomiting (yet...my kids all did) but I'm pretty sick. So the question is..do I stop the drops early and work some calories back into my diet or do I push through it? Stopping the drops today, I'd still need 2 days to get them out of my system in order to avoid gaining weight back when I eat. Or I could just suck up the couple of pounds and just eat what I need to.

The stubborn part of me wants to just suck it up and keep going for a few more days, but the smart part of me knows that if I don't get some food in me, I might be sick longer than I would otherwise. But I also know that part of me just wants to quit so that I can eat. Ugh..stupid illness, why couldn't you wait a few more days! At least I was down another .8 today.

The obesity marker...

Ha...I feel like that title should be the name of an episode of "The Big Bang Theory", but I love that show so it's okay. This blog is about my Nathan! He is 6'4", so the obesity line for him is at 250 lbs. He passed that yesterday and I am SO excited for him! That's a huge deal! He's now at 248.4 and still going. He was in such a great mood yesterday and dancing around all skinny like haha. It's great to see him feeling good about himself. I'm still amazed at how far he's come. When I started my first round of this diet in November, he was around 275 lbs. One day I'll weigh less than him, but it'll be a while if he keeps losing at this rate haha. Keep up the great work baby!

As for me, I'm down another .6 today. Not too bad, but still feeling bloated and blech. That obesity marker is still a ways away for me. Around 220 or so I believe. But I'll get there eventually.

Today's cravings are brought to you by Pizza Hut, Mountain Dew and a GIANT chocolate cake! Excuse me while I go fill up my water bottle again *sighs*

About that time again...

So yesterday I was up .4 and today I was down .6 from there (so down .2 over the last 2 days basically). I was wondering why and last night I found out. It's ..you guessed it...that time of the month again. Another TMI blog, brought to you by the letters UGH and the number..well.. POINT 2!

I hate this part of my diet because I retain water like crazy and just feel overall BLECH. And of course, stalling on my weight loss isn't any fun either...especially when I've only got 1 week left on these damn drops. I swear if I ever do a round 3 several months down the road, I'm going to try and load on these kinds of days so that it doesn't hit me halfway through the drops phase and throw me off my goal. I was really hoping to hit that 50 lb. mark by next weekend but now I'll settle for 45. I know 50 won't be far behind it and it will feel even better if I get there on my own with diet and exercise.

So here's hoping that this "thing" goes away quickly and doesn't ruin my entire week. Of course Nathan won't have THIS problem. Lucky bastard.

40 pounds GONE!

I'm still in awe of that number. 40. FORTY POUNDS OF FAT gone from my body. I don't think people really realize just how much that is. That's 160 sticks of butter. 160!!!! It's kinda disgusting haha. And to think I still have as much as I do left to lose! I am 290.2 today and I can't believe I'm almost into the 280's. That doesn't sound so horrible.

I texted Maeli this morning to let her know I'd hit that huge milestone and told her I'll probably come in next week just to have her do my measurements and a pinch test so I can see exactly how much fat I've lost. She was so proud of me..it felt great. She may have cost a fortune to get me started on this diet, but she really did help me out a lot.

Nathan started losing again today. He's down to 251.8, which is great. Not too bad of a stall for drinking a whole bottle of Mt. Dew *mutters* He's lucky it wasn't worse than it was..but I'm glad. He joked this morning after seeing his weight had dropped again..."So does that mean I can have another one today?" HA! No. We only have 9 more days on the drops. Then we can ease some of the good stuff back in. Like cheese! Mmmmmmmmmm cheese.

Our tax returns should be in in a few weeks as well and then we can start planning our trip to Vegas! We're getting re-married in the next couple of months and decided that instead of planning some big she-bang..we're just going to take a much needed vacation alone and get hitched Vegas style. Get a really nice hotel...eat whatever we want (diet be damned) and go see lots of neat things you can only see in Vegas. So until then..we'll work our butts off and try to lose as many sticks of butter off these bodies as we can!

Ohhh yeah baby!

Yesterday was really rough. A good friend of mine is doing this diet with me over the internet..or was. She didn't have the guidance of a nutritionist like I did with Maeli so I'd just written up the pointers I was given and was just trying to help her through it and be her support system. She was having a really rough time because she thought it'd be better to eat less than 500 calories and then wondered why she wasn't losing. Then she would eat things that weren't on the allowed foods list and ended up gaining 2 lbs. I felt so bad that I couldn't get her through this. She was just miserable. Yesterday she finally told me that she'd gone off the drops on Sunday and even went so far as to go to McDonald's yesterday. My heart sank..I so wanted for her to enjoy the success I have as she doesn't weigh much less than me (at my current weight that is) and she was really wanting to lose it. But this diet isn't for everyone and it IS really really hard. Hopefully she can find something that works for her like this has for me. I just want her to be happy.

Yesterday was also the day that Nathan cheated on his diet!! Yes you mister. He caved and had a Mountain Dew at work. I really don't know how he hasn't cheated before now. His co-workers are jerks when it comes to this diet. They eat some new treat in front of him every single day just to try and make him crack..so I guess a Mountain Dew isn't the worst he could do. But as expected..he gained .4 today and will probably stall for a few days before going back down again. I know you can do it baby...stick it out with me! 1 1/2 weeks left!!

So yeah..yesterday was rough because it made it that much harder for me to stick to the diet when I felt like no one else was. It took everything I had not to just drive down to the 24/7 Mickey D's and get a Big Mac & Fries and NON-diet soda. But I managed to fight back the urge and lost 1.2 lbs today! WOOHOOO! That makes it worth it to me. Especially after 2 days of .4 losses. I'm now .6 lbs from hitting that 40 pound mark and I'm SO excited. I never thought I'd ever lose that much weight...ever. I really thought I'd be over 300 lbs until I died. SO this is pretty stinkin cool.

291.2!!! OH yeah baby!!!

Nickel n' Dimin'

Down another .4 today and the frustration begins. I suppose I should still be grateful I'm at least losing...but .4 at a time is just slowwwwwww. And it always seems to happen when I'm about to break into the next 10 pounds. I'm SO close to having lost 40 lbs and I just want to get there!

Nathan was down 1 lb today. Yay!! He really is doing so freaking well on this diet, I'm grateful for his success. We've both had nights where we're just mentally hungry and have wanted so badly to just fade out of the drops early so we can eat...but he said to me, "Nah, it's just 2 more weeks...I'm not a quitter." He keeps me going when I am REALLY tired of this diet. Round 1 was physically hard. Round 2, for me, has been mentally exhausting. I feel great 99% of the time, I'm just sick of it. I look forward to having months of a NORMAL diet...healthy one of course, but normal nonetheless.

So for now, I'm nickel n' dimin' it ...and hoping that I can break 20 lbs again on this round. 7.2 to go!

Stupid red meat...

Steak is the best part about this diet. It's nummy and it's something that in normal, every day life, I've never really gotten to eat very often. It was always kind of seen as a luxury food. The problem is...if you eat it too often on this diet, it can cause a stall as it takes longer for the body to metabolise than lighter meats *sighs*

So just as I suspected..2 mornings after eating the steak, it's caught up to me. I was only down .4 today (292.8) and Nathan was only down .8 It's better than nothing, but it still has me worried about the second week slow down I had last time. I don't want to relive the frustration of doing this diet perfectly and having my weight stay around a certain # for 5-6 days..up and down. I want to lose more weight this round than I did last time and I'm already more than halfway there.

So I guess that means more chicken and fish and less (if any at all) red meat *sighs*

The sleep method...

So Nathan and I had some steak last night and it was cooked like...medium rare. Probably not the healthiest for this diet, but it was good. This morning Nathan was only down .2..so I figured we were both going to hit a stall over it. Sure enough when I got up really early and weighed myself, I was at exactly the same weight as yesterday.

So I took my drops and got the kids off to school, and since Emma was still passed out in my bed, I went to lie back down with her. 2 hours later (Yay for sleep!) she woke me up to play. So I went and re-weighed myself. Now I've talked about this before but now I'm a more firm believer than ever in this "take your drops then sleep more" diet haha. 2 hours later, with drops in my system, I had lost 1.6 lbs. I don't know why it works, but it does...every single time I've ever done it. Get up early, take the drops...and sleep for another hour or two. Voila! Weightloss.

So now I'm down 12 lbs. on round 2...almost the same as I was at this time on round 1. Over the next few days is where I get nervous. Week 2 was where I started to stall out and had some weight gain even. So we'll see how it goes.

The other option...

So Nathan and I were looking at a weight/height/BMI chart today to see how low we have to get to get out of the obese category. Nathan is 6'4" so he needs to get to about 250 to be borderline obese. He's almost there! He weighed in at 254.6 today and I'm SO excited for him! At his height, he really only needs to get down to like 220 lbs to be at a good weight and be healthy. He'll be there in no time :)

Me, however...

At 5'10" inches, I'd need to reach about 210 to be out of the obese categoy..so I still have another 85 lbs to go. That's overwhelming to think about, but I'm 36 lbs closer than before. I was down another 1.4 today, which technically puts me at 35.8 total (10.4 for the round). So I was groaning over Nathan's shoulder while looking at this chart and he says, "Well..you could always just grow 2 inches instead." Yeah..I'll try that, that will be easier!! *focuses and grunts* Nope, didn't work.

Oh well...back to the weight loss option I guess.

Just a quick update

I'm running on little sleep and am kinda cranky today so just a quick update :) I'm down another 1.2 lbs. today and Nathan was down .6! Yay! That puts me at 9 for the cycle and 34.4 total..and 9.8 total for him. Woohooo! Things are still going well, we're just both really fighting the cravings right now. The hunger pains are minimal, but we're still wanting to just go to Rancheritos and pile on the numminess.

One really awesome thing we realized too is that since I started my very first round of hcg...Nathan has lost almost 20 lbs! He lost 10 on what my mom calls the "no food in the house" diet...though we still had some of the kids munchies stuff. But he was trying to hard to be supportive of me that he lost weight in the process. So he's doing awesome!

We'll be a couple of hotties when Vegas time comes around in a month or two.

Breaking Habits and Breaking Out

So I was only down 1 lb. today, but Nathan was down 2.4! So yay Nathan! However...naughty Nathan saw a packet of crackers on the counter today and snatched one up without even thinking. He got all upset when he realized what he'd just eaten but it'll be okay. It's just a habit that's hard to break. Ya see something sitting out and ya just wanna grab one..or a handful...cause you're hungry. It's just like wanting to lick brownie batter off your finger *cries*. It's a habit you have to break on this diet and it's hard! Nathan's got co-workers all around him right now eating chocolate cake and he's having to not give in to habit and join in. Him doing this diet is infinitely harder than it was for me, simply because I got to stay home and control my environment. His co-workers aren't exactly the most supportive people. It's like they're trying to see who can make him crack first. But I know he can do it. I KNOW he can. And then they'll all be chunky and he'll be the skinny guy with a six pack. So HA!

The other thing I hate about this diet is that I get acne...more than I ever do at any other time. As my mom said to me..when this stuff is working really well, you can almost feel your fat coming out of your pores. That sounds pretty nasty..and yeah, your face can get oilier than usual. So now I have this giant zit on my chin and it hurts! I've always been overweight, but I've always had a great complexion. It was the thing I was always complimented on growing up, so I've kinda clung to that. But now it's all icky and I hate that haha.

Okay I'm freakin hungry. I'm done writing for now.

Never going back..

I finally did it. I finally broke 300 lbs and I'm NEVER going back!!! 298.4 to be exact and if I didn't have a massive headache I'd be screaming and jumping up and down! I don't remember the last time the number on the scale started with a two and I am nearly in tears just writing it. It's still a horribly obese weight for me to be, but its 32 lbs. less than I was..and it's never going to be that high again.

I feel like there's so much more I should write for such a huge milestone but I honestly can't think of anything other than I just feel so..damn...happy.

That's just mean!!!

So on the plus side, I've now passed the 30 pound mark! YAY! On the down side...I'm at 300.2 lbs. POINT 2!! That is so not cool! It was kinda funny because I knew I could break 300 today but before even stepping on the scale I said to myself, "It's going to taunt me and put me .2 over, I know it is." And sure enough....

Still though, losing 1.8 is a pretty good day. Not to mention, Nathan was down another 3.4 lbs to put him at 260.6! I'm so excited at how well this is going and we're only on day 4. I really am grateful for how much easier this round has been thus far *knock on wood*. I haven't had any bad hunger pains and no massive mind splitting headache. Of course, I was stupid last night and made brownies for my children, which caused me to have to muster up every ounce of will power I had NOT to have one. Nathan reminded me how close I was to breaking 300 and I managed to resist but even he stood there looking over them and drooling haha. Mmmm brownies. I had actually bought the mix (cookie/brownie mix...my favorite) for loading days but we were so freaking full on other crap, we never got to them! So hopefully I can get my kids to eat the rest today haha.

The thing I'm having the hardest time with, I think, is just boredom. Having already done this once, I've gotten bored a lot quicker with the restrictive menu that I'm allowed to eat. And of course, each day goes slower than the one before it..so it feels like maintenance will never be here. I just need to keep reminding myself that after maintenance this time..I won't be doing another round for a few months and I'll be able to have those brownies sometime.

But for now...orange time!

So close I can taste it!!

For the second day in a row, I've lost 4 lbs. That still only puts me 3 below where I started but it also puts me only 2 lbs away from breaking 300!! I honestly don't remember the last time I was in the 200's. I "think" it was when Gregory was a few years old maybe? Years and years ago though. And I am more excited than I can even begin to explain...to be back under 300.

When I met Nathan in 1998, I weighed 190 lbs. Even then, I was doing Jenny Craig and had just lost about 20 lbs. My pregnancy with Gregory, however, was really hard on my body and I gained about 80 lbs in 9 months. My blood pressure was crazy scary high and the whole time I was just miserable. With Ari and Emma, I only gained about 12-15 lbs each time and the pregnancies and labor were much easier..but I never managed to lose any weight in between. When I finally topped out around 330 my weight just stayed there. I ate what I wanted and it didn't go up or down, it just waivered right there. When we bought our elliptical and I tried to get serious about doing that every day...I lost 11 lbs in about 2 months but then I fell down my stairs and got a horrible bone bruise and it killed my momentum as I couldn't use the elliptical for quite a while. My weight then went back up to 330 and stayed there again.

This is the first time I've been able to lose weight...keep it off...and be EXCITED about doing it. It's fun to have Nathan doing it with me, though it's an adjustment trying to feed the kids completely separately. I'm always afraid I'll forget they haven't eaten yet because I already have haha. Nathan lost 3.6 lbs today. That's so awesome!! So far he's having an easier time of it than I did my first round, though we've both had mild headaches. But we're not dying of hunger and we're still able to sleep. His biggest complaint is peeing so much haha. The water is hard to get used to but its really no different then if you're not dieting. Water intake should always be half your body weight in ounces, no matter if you're dieting or not. Neither of us is used to drinking that much though. Poor guy's been gettin teased at work..co-workers talking about water falls and sprinklers and rain. I told him "Now you know how I feel when you do that to me!!" haha. Live and learn. I love him for doin it though.

2 more pounds! WOOHOO! Too bad I won't be able to celebrate with cake.

Ahh...much better

The crappy feeling of being drowned in grease has finally passed. Now I'm just waiting for the hunger pains to hit haha. We'll see which is worse! The first day of 500 calories is always easy because your body is still working off the food from the loading days..and as crappy as I felt, I didn't want to eat anyway. This is where it starts to get harder.

Just like with round one, I was down 4.2 lbs after the first day. Yay me n' stuff. Nathan was down 1.4. Woohoo! I'm not letting myself get all worked up about it though because that happened last time and then from there on out it was usually 1 pound...if that haha. Besides, I gained more during loading days this time. I'll be excited when I break 300...THEN I'll let myself get worked up. I've been hovering between 305 and 310 for a month now and it's driving me crazy!

I think this time it will be so much easier though because I do know what to expect...and my body has already cleaned out all the nasty stuff from before my first round...like yeast and whatever other toxins were making me feel like crap. So "hopefully" this time it will be easier.

Yesterday I taught nathan how to use the website I use to add up my calories for the day. It's www.nutrimirror.com He said, "Can't you just tell me what to eat and I'll eat it?" After pointing out I wasn't his mother *snickers* I told him that the whole point in him doing this himself is to learn a healthier lifestyle. If I just say "open up" and shove the proper portions in his mouth, he won't learn and will go right back to doing what we were before. So he whined at me, but learned it haha. I'm proud of him and grateful that he's doing this with me. It helps so much to have someone so supportive right beside me. I love you baby :)

Here we go...

Oh man do I feel like crap run over by 10 semi-trucks....times 10. Seriously. Apparently loading days are a lot less pleasant after you've already done 1 round of hcg/maintenance and your body has gotten used to NOT eating crap...and gotten used to NOT eating a lot...and your stomach has SHRUNK! I honestly don't think we really ate that much yesterday, but I feel like my stomach is still about to explode...and it's the next day!

We went to Five Guys burgers & fries last night. They built one near our house and we'd heard all the raves about it and agreed we'd try it out on our loading day. It really was very good...but after not having burgers & fries for 2 months, my body did NOT like it. At all. I suppose it's a good way to remind myself of why I'm doing this and that my body actually does prefer the healthier foods. In the past I could just say it was worth the stomach troubles, but not anymore. This really isn't worth it.

So today starts our second phase...500 calories a day. I know today will be pretty easy because we're both still feeling pretty damn full from the weekend's overeating, but I'll admit I'm really nervous about this first week as it progresses. Last time around, the first week was miserable for me and I nearly quit. I'm hoping my body manages it better this time around, because I really don't want to relive all of that. I also hope that Nathan doesn't have as rough a first week as I did. At least in this case I CAN say it was worth it. And I'm doing it again, so it must be.

We both gained quite a few pounds back from loading, but that's normal. Nathan's now at 269 and I'm at 310.2. Tomorrow those numbers will probably take a big dive. Here's hoping. Below I'm posting our "before" pictures. Although mine can kinda be seen as "after" pics from my last round too I guess although you can tell how crappy I feel by looking at them haha. I promised myself I'd post them though, so be nice! So phase two, here we go. Wish us luck!

Round 2! *Ding Ding!*

So I did manage to lose another 1/2 a pound this week but I've decided to go ahead and start round two of hcg this weekend. The difference this time is that Nathan will be doing it with me! YAY! Maeli kept telling me not to do it at the same time because he'll probably lose faster than me and it might upset me...but I don't see it as a competition. I'm sooo freaking excited to see how much he loses and to help him with the diet and get us both into a healthier lifestyle together.

So today starts our first loading day...although we started, technically, last night and took our first set of drops before ordering our first pizza in months. I totally pigged out and I'm not ashamed haha. We ordered my favorite...thin crust ham & pineapple pizza and some wings. I don't remember the last time I ate that much!! Oh how I love loading days. Of course I felt like crap later cause my body isn't used to it but it tasted good haha. But we're going to try and not just eat junk either. We bought our very first avacados to make some guacamole with. Avacados are a really good kind of fat, especially for loading days so we'll see how that goes. We also stocked up on nuts, which are good. But we all know I'm going to take advantage of basically having permission to eat whatever the crap I want....and eat exactly that. I even bought some Ben & Jerry's Half Baked and some chocolate chip muffins *drools* Then come Sunday...its back to Chicken, fish and lots of veggies haha. Time to stock up on the Walden Farms dressings and BBQ sauce again! This time around I also have some of their 0 calorie chocolate dip, courtesy of my mom..so we'll see how that goes.

So....as my friend Jen put it...today is R2P1D1 (Round 2, Phase 1, Day 1). And we're off! Measurements have been taken for both Nathan and myself. I won't post them here cause it's just a bunch of numbers. But starting weight for me is 305.2, and Nathan's is 265.8. Wish us luck! Now excuse me while I go eat another muffin. Woohoo!

Oops?

So...there's a new Rancheritos (Betos) right by our house and I've always LOVED their food. I'd been really good lately about my diet so I told Nathan to bring home dinner and figured I'd get full on half a burrito and be done with it. Yeah....I nearly ate the whole thing. And then had a serving of my "no sugar added" ice cream...and some Mountain Dew. Oops? haha. I can't say I felt guilty per se...I just knew it wasn't the best choice for my diet. But I remembered what Maeli told me.

She said if you do eat more than you should..or eat things you really shouldn't..the most important thing is what you do next. If you get up and let it ruin your whole rhythm and skip breakfast or eat carbs upon carbs, you'll gain weight. But if you overcompensate...you can balance it out. So today I've been super uber good! I cut the carbs out of my breakfast AND my snack and for lunch I'm just having a protein shake. So hopefully when its time for my next trip to the scale...her method proves to work.

It's okay to eat some of what you want once in a while. The trick is to not overdo it. Everything in moderation. And when you do slip up...overcompensate to fix it! Protein protein protein! I also got in my 40 minutes on the elliptical this morning so hopefully that will help too. *sighs* It's so much easier to give up sugar and candy and baked goods than it is to give up fatty foods like super nummy burritos with sour cream and cheese in them. Dammit, now I'm hungry again. Oops.

Another goal to reach...

While I was sitting poolside for Emma's lessons again this morning, my eyes wandered around the enormous aquatic center and up to the giant window that leads into their cardio equipment room. People on treadmills and bikes and ellipticals all lined the window, overlooking the pool. And I decided on another goal. I want to be able to run. Not racewalk, not bounce up and down while walking fast....I want to RUN.

I don't have the best knees, but I know most of that is because of my weight. I want to get to a point where it no longer physically hurts me to even try and run. I want to be able to run a mile without even thinking, like I did in high school. I've never been much for distance running...but I took forgranted that I even could. I ran track one year in high school...and was the secretary for the men's track team at Brigham Young University...and I never really appreciated how good it felt to just put on some music, strap on some running shoes and a pair of shorts and just run.

I know it'll be a while before I get to that point, but its good to set goals all along the way, right? I also wouldn't mind not having to wear two sports bras when I do it *chuckles*

Oh sugar, how I missed thee!

Last night was Gregory's birthday party. I made a marble cake with chocolate frosting. It was just your typical homemade cake, nothing special. But oh man...when I finally tasted it...I swear it was heaven for that brief moment. I'd bought "no sugar added" ice cream to offset the incredibly huge amounts in the cake (amazingly enough 1 serving of the ice cream only has 3 grams of sugar...yay)...but oh man. I've had better cake in my life, but last night..it was the best thing I'd ever eaten in my whole life. Honestly, I was a bit worried that the damn would crumble and the flood of urges I've held back would suddenly come crashing through, causing me to eat the whole cake at once (or even eat it for breakfast today). Surprisingly...I've still only had the one piece! It really is bizarre to me!

It still sounds delicious *licks lips*, but I stuck to a protein shake this morning and cottage cheese and pears for my snack. It's so nice to be able to fit things I enjoy back into my diet again and know that I now have the will power to not over-indulge. It's amazing what you can eat if you know how to properly manage your diet and portions.

Today I'm going to try and make a Boboli pizza I bought the stuff for. The crust is 100% whole wheat and thin, and I won't be able to pile on the toppings, but I've been craving pizza for 2 months now so I'm willing to try anything at this point!

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm tempted to feed my kids cake for all 3 meals today just to get that temptation back out of my sight! Mmmmmm Sugarrrrrrr.

All on my own...

So today was my last meeting with Maeli and I'm officially done with the maintenance phase of my diet. Time to see how I do on my own. And honestly...I think I'll do just fine.

I am down to 305.8 lbs as of today, which has me super excited. I can't even explain it. Hopefully by this time next week I can say I broke that 300 mark I've been aching to get to. (I'm not going to weigh again for another week...if I can help it haha) I also lost another couple of inches over my body..mostly in my shoulders and buttockals (as my dad calls them. Gotta love my family haha) Another great thing is that while I didn't quite reach my goal of 300 lbs. by the end of this round of dieting...I DID reach my goal for body fat percentage! When I started out I was at about 47.5% body fat. As of today I'm at 40%. Yay me!

So now that maintenance is over, I have a bit more leeway with my diet. AND....I can have sugar!! SHOULD I have it? Well no....but if I balance out my carbs properly, like I've learned to do, if I have cake at my son's birthday party today it won't completely screw up my diet or undo the work I've done. My body is officially retrained! I really do feel like a different person. Eating healthy comes naturally to me now and exercise isn't as taxing on my body. I actually enjoy it. I eat 6 small meals a day and drink lots of water...and I don't crave the junk I used to. Will the birthday cake taste good? Um...hell yes. It's cake haha. But I won't eat a giant piece and a huge scoop of ice cream, nor finish off the pan when the kids are at school not looking either.

I know a lot of people have been critical of this diet because while on the drops/500 calorie diet it seemed so extreme...but you can't look at me now and tell me it didn't work exactly the way it was supposed to. I've lost 25 lbs, almost 8% of my body fat, and nearly 50 inches of fat over my entire body...all in 6 weeks! And people can keep calling it a crash diet but look at what I trained my body to do...and my mind. I reset my hypothalamus so that I could re-train my body when and how to process/store/burn my food and fat. And now i'm eating healthier than I ever have..and not because I feel like I HAVE to either. My body actually WANTS to. Was it hard? Hell yes...those 3 weeks I was on the drops were some of the hardest I've had...but it was worth every second. 3 weeks of struggle was worth the complete turn around I've done with my way of thinking and my lifestyle. And 3 weeks of struggle will be more than worth it when a year or two from now I'm literally half the person I was when I started.

I will be doing another round of hcg drops, but not just yet. Since I lost so much weight on my own this last week just with healthy diet and exercise, I'm going to keep going as is and ride it out. When I hit a plateau then I'll give myself another little kick start with another round of hcg. But until then...I'm all on my own :)

Aspiration...

Today I took my daughter to her swimming lesson. As I sat and looked around the pool, inhaling the scent of chlorine..it took me back to when I was a kid/teenager swimming competitively. I always missed it, but it became more apparent today just sitting there watching others do what I used to love. I was pretty damn good too if I remember right. I gave it up when I hit high school in order to play volleyball instead, but I've always missed it.

So today I decided that that's something I want to aspire to doing again. Swimming. And not just lounging around in the pool with the kids swimming either. I want to get myself in shape and get back into lap swimming...rebuild my strength and maybe eventually look into the adult swim team around here. Given, this is something that would be way out in the future when I've lost a lot more of my weight, but it's something that I think I'd enjoy.

I also want to get back into volleyball, now that I think about it. It was also something I did fairly well at (though my sister Heidi can kick my butt now haha)..but it became harder to really play seriously with all this extra weight. I can still wail a ball over the net when I serve, but there's a lot more to it haha. So these things are more motivation for me to lose the weight. I want to get back to doing things "I" enjoy...and not just being the mom all the time.

I think I lost my sense of self and individuality somewhere in all these rolls haha. I've forgotten what it's like to do things for myself and not just for my family. Here's to rediscovering them!

Holy !$@#

So curiosity got the better of me this morning. I wasn't going to weigh again until Friday when I have my last meeting with Maeli, but I just had to know! I was fully expecting to have gained another 10 lbs and spend the day crying, but I needed to know. So after not weighing myself for 6 days, I stepped onto the scale..closed my eyes for a moment..and then looked down. 306.2 was what it read. I did a double take. "That can't be right." So I zero'd out the scale and did it again. Same thing. "HOLY CRAP I LOST 7 POUNDS!!!" I was practically jumping up and down like a little kid at Christmas

Hours later I'm sitting here still in shock that I'm finally losing weight after working my butt off on this maintenance plan. It only took 2 weeks to get the numbers going the right way again but it finally happened. I even cheated a little bit the other day and shared half a burrito with Nathan. It was so good. It would've been worth the half pound gain honestly. I'm in such a good mood now though and I needed that boost.

The plan for me is to start my next round of hcg drops a week from tomorrow, but first I'm going to see if I can lose more just doing this eating right and exercising thing. Now that I've trained myself to do it, it's a lot easier...and healthier. So I guess we'll see. Either way...I'm only 6.2 lbs .from breaking that 300 pound mark and I can't freaking wait!!!

Can I borrow some energy?

9 hours of sleep last night and I'm still feeling just plain yuck. I can't believe I've been in bed before 11pm every night since coming home from Florida, not to mention up at 8am. I suppose it's healthier for me than staying up till 2am and getting up at 10. My body still can't decide if it wants to get sick or not. Make up your mind would ya! I should be eating my cottage cheese and fruit right now so that I can hop on the elliptical for my workout but I just cannot seem to find the energy to even go into the kitchen. Can I borrow some?

They always say youth is wasted on the young and it couldn't feel more true today. I had to wake my 6 year old up to get ready for school. This child can sleep till 11 if you let her, even if she's gone to bed at 9pm the night before. But within a minute of me waking her up she's her perky little smiling self and ready for the day. Can I borrow some of that please?? I mean come on!

So this is now week 3 of maintenance for my diet. I'm allowed to have carbs with my dinner should I choose. I suppose it's a bit more important that I at least remember to actually EAT all my meals. I think my body is trying to rebel again. I'm just not hungry. Some people might say "well that's great, then don't eat, you'll lose weight". But it's not true. If I don't eat breakfast then my body will just store fat anyway, thinking it needs to. Maybe if I stare at the fridge hard enough, it will open and the cottage cheese and fruit will make itself. Maybe.

One of those days

Today is just one of those days. I'm not feeling all that great. I'm just blah. Stuffed up, tired, what have you. Add to that feeling beyond overwhelmed by the mess my kids have made in my house to the point I'm hiding from it, which only makes it worse. It's one of those downward spirals I can just feel coming on. All of this caused me to completely forget all about eating lunch. And now it's 8pm and I'm craving a giant plate of nachos. Maybe I should just climb in bed and start all over tomorrow. Stupid diets! :)

Sugar-free candy is no substitute...

So last night was new years and the kids were picking out treats to have at home. They were so cute, they even picked out sugar free ones. I'm sure it wasn't on purpose, but it still made me smile. So I picked out some for me as well. Yes it's carbs I still should go easy on, but I wanted me some candy so that's what I got. Werther's Originals are not meant to be sugarless. They were um....tolerable, I suppose. The chocolate covered peanuts however, I had to put away before I ate the whole bag. It was the closest thing to sugar I think I could have found, but still not the same *sighs* I think this is the first time I'd really craved anything sugary in a while. I'm not sure why. But it was fun to at least pretend for a few minutes anyway.

It feels good to wake up today, on the first day of a brand new year...and know that I'm already well into my resolution of losing weight. Most people don't start until New Years, but it feels so good to know I started early and I've come a long way before 1-1-11 even hit! I know it sounds so cliche, but that's still my biggest resolution for this year. I want to be half the person I was when I started all of this by the time the next new year comes around...or at least close to it. But numbers aside...I just want to stick to all the hard work I've done and not slide back down the slippery slope. I want to keep my will power as strong as its been the past month and a bit. I couldn't do it without my amazing family. I know I couldn't. I love them so much and thank them for always checking up on me and encouraging me to keep going. I feel so much happier already in life now that I've started to like myself that much more!